Messages By: dede7007

It's sad that so many women today are in the same situation. This woman doesn't need this aggravation because if nothing's done, it will only get worse. I too am a woman whose husand, "demands" to rule all monies, including everything I make. But, since I'm disabled and can't make much, it's been harder, because I hear," well, if you were making a decent salary, we wouldn't be struggling so hard". I work very hard, despite my disabilities, in keeping a clean house, doing yardwork, laundry, child raising (grown now), but still a mother, and my job will NEVER end, and I will never get to retire. 

I am also going to see a lawyer to see where I stand legally, because I only make about 6,000 a year, and he makes a very good salary. But, he STILL makes me hand over every check. I think it's because he doesn't want me to be financially independent. Why do so many men behave this way today? Also, why are we as women still seen as being SUBJECT to them in every way? I've been married now 23 years, but because of other issues as well, I am too tired to keep on trying to make this thing work. 

I'm glad for the Dr. Phil show, because he gets in peoples faces and tells them the issues straight on. He never beats around the bush. Keep Up The Good Work, Dr. Phil 

Dede7007 

  I think too much emphasis has been put on "celebrity status" instead of the original title of the show which is "STALKING THE STARS". 

  Yes, America has a ridiculous obsession with celebrities, because they are an "image" of what the readers would like to look like AND live like. But, would they REALLY like to? 

   Anyway, the paparazzi should have strickter laws against what they do. Why do they call it paparazzi STALKING? (because it IS stalking) Stalking is outlawed in almost every state. I don't think that the press is any different when it comes to stalking. Because they are stalking  people on their own time, in their own houses and properties, and people are being invaded by unwanted attention and downright harassment. 

   If I was obsessed by a teacher or special coach or doctor, (who are in the public eye as well, only in a different way), and I stalked them by taking their pictures, following them all over the city, and never left them alone, I WOULD BE ARRESTED. To me, stalking is STALKING, celebrities or not. 

   We need to have a boycott of all tabloids, and long enough to send a message to these people without any conscience to stop harrassing celebrities. And, maybe it would also help Americans begin to put celebrities in a better perspective in their own lives. 

Dede7007 

Thank you for being such a caring person. I'm sorry the two of you have had to go through so much, but I admire your courage, endurance and longsuffering. Congratulations on your anniversary. 

Dede7007 

 This is a difficult subject, but one that needs to be exposed, and talked about. I also think that a show needs to be added to this one about what this addiction does to the people who need the pain killers and can't get them because of being accused of being a "junkie". 

   This happened to me. I was rear ended in a car crash, and suffered unbearable back and neck injuries. It took eleven years to get a diagnosis of what I had, and then I received several corrective surgeries. But during the eleven years, while experiencing excruciating low back pain, leg numbness, neck and back spasms, migrains, and numbness and weakness in my right arm, I could not get anything for pain relief without being given the third degree by doctors. Many nights I ended up in the ER, to try to get the pain relieved. I would be given a prescription for Motrin. It's been 27 years now, and I haven't know one day without pain. But, I do thank God that I finally found a specialist in pain and it's being managed much better now. But the years of suffering was almost too much to bear.  

   I don't understand how these people GET the pain killers, and all the drugs that they get. It just baffles me. Do they really understand HOW many people they really affect? 

Dede7007 

I felt really bad about this mother/son/daughter-in-law situation. This mother could have been my mother though. Even though there could be things on both sides of the relationship that could be worked out, IMO, I would have liked to see the mother take the high road on this one. 

    Since she did not own up to anything, even to share some of the problems to try to help ease the stress, she did not. She only held her ground about how "right" she was. 

    It seemed like the mother was MORE concerned about not saying anything wrong about her co-workers, and didn't want them to know that she talked about them, "even when others were doing it", because she completely denied anything there. She maybe didn't want to put her job in jeopardy. This was not talked about on the show, but the underlying subject was there. 

   But, the part about being like MY mother. My mother did everything she could to come between my husband and I, but when confronted about it, she always denied it, or changed her story.  She talked trash about us to anyone who would listen, and her favorite saying when being confronted about it was, "deny, deny, deny". She often said. " those were the most important words in the English language".  I would have still liked to see the mother  take the high road, and back down for the start of a healing. I have had to do this at times with my own grown children, and it usually has worked out for the best. People used to tell me, "you only have one mother", but in my situation, we had to remove ourselves from her for a while, because she was just too toxic to be around. She did not change, but we had time to heal and grow and it was worth it, because she passed away shortly there-after. We had time to make our peace and "no it wasn't a wonderful send-off for her", because she still held so many grudges and hate before she died, but at least I know that we were there at the end, and know we tried our best. 

   But, I agree with Dr. Phil. Please stop wasting time on all this nonsense, because it's not worth it. If someone in the family is INDEED being abusive behind the scenes, then the whole thing must be re-evaluated, but time is precious indeed. Please make good use of it. 

  Dede7007 

My situation is very similar to other "long term" marriages that are ending for various reasons. I too have grown children, who are struggling with my decision to end my marriage. 

     But, after almost 24 years of living with an emotionally distant, workaholic husband has really taken its toll on me, and other people keep telling me "not to throw away so many years". 

     I have sacrificed so that he could get his PhD, (which took 14 years), lived with very little money, worked even though I have a chronic pain condition, and had to constantly put up with his moodiness, anger, and then continually build up HIS ego because he was "down in the dumps".  

    Now, that it is MY turn to get some of my dreams to come true, the rules have changed. Why is this the case so often? Now, I am physically disabled and cannot work a full time job, (which has always bothered him, because I "wasn't pulling my fair share of the financial burden"), I am in a state of mental, emotional and physical "paralysis".   

    There is so much more to tell, but I am just STUNNED at the many women who are being "left at the curb" after giving so much of their lives to a husband who took the SAME marriage vows, but have not carried them out. 

    There is still SO MUCH BURDEN still put on the woman to keep everything together. In the end, though, we get nothing but grief. Why is this happening so much any more? 

    At this point, I am so angry at myself for letting this go on so long, wondering why I didn't end it sooner, and also angry that HE didn't fufill any of his promises to me. 

    Since my husband never let anyone outside our family get close enough to him, people look at me like I'M THE CRAZY ONE.   

    Also, now we are separated because he took a job in another state, so even though we've been living as roomates for the past 7 or 8 years, we are now totally living apart.  He doesn't understand why I don't want to move there to be with him. Are all men as emotionally distant, and unloving towards their families as mine? He has A LOT of trouble being physically affectionate, or saying loving things, and has LOTS OF EXCUSES as to why he CAN'T do it. But, he still wants to stay together. He wants me to forget the past, and "move on from here". TO WHAT? WHERE? HOW? 

    I have been so starved for love and affection, and just plain "niceness" that I've had to distance myself from my own emotions just to stay sane. But, I don't like what that has done to me. 

    I feel foolish, and stupid, and feel like I have wasted so much of my life, waiting for promises that were made and never fufilled. But, he swears that, "he loves me". I just don't understand. 

    Now, it's a battle for self survival. I don't like what this marriage has done to me, because I don't know who I am anymore. I feel unattractive, like I have nothing to offer anyone anymore, and that everything in me has been used up. It's a hard place to be, and I feel like I'm drowning and struggling to come up for air. There are so many questions, so many plans to make, and I don't know where to start.  

Dede7007 

   I was a little frustrated with the people who wrote in with the attitude of "do it or die". Also, again with the Anti-American, "throw everything away" attitude. People outside this country need to stop listening to our biased press, and visit some of our states, and hometowns, but really get involved with some of  our "too quiet  vast majority"  who have strong family values, and are not "throw away everything people".  Many of us are getting SICK of the rest of the world judging us, when their own countries have horrible atrocities too numerous to mention. 

    With THAT said, this is there is NO reason whatsoever to stay in a marriage that has abuse written all over it. The first couple in this show seems to fit in this category. The wife is definetely abusing her husband. They need some serious counseling, but it's obvious that she does NOT love her husband. This couple never HAD a honeymoon. It was over before the honeymoon began.  They need to re-evaluate their situation, and maybe starting over with other people is a better choice. There has been a lot of hurt here, and the wife doesn't really care how much hurt she is causing.  

    My honeymoon was over as well, before it began. I married a workaholic. He took ONE day off of work so that we could go away. (which was spent driving to and from our honeymoon suite in the Poconos Mountains) It was not a fun time. Plus, since he was so pre-occupied with work, he couldn't focus on the reason WHY we were there. DUH!    I spent several hours just waching TV, while he worked on papers. 

    I am not a "throw away" person, and have tried to stick this thing out. But, after 23 years of a husband who cannot and will not put anything into this relationship, I have decided to call it quits. 

    It's hard to try to give love and attention to someone who will not return it, and who has dozens of "excuses" why he can't do whatever. 

    But, yet he INSISTS that he loves  me, and does not want a divorce. How can you believe that someone loves you when they will not touch you, hug or kiss you, or even make time on a holiday for your family? 

    My husband's problem of workaholism, (which goes deeper than just work), has caused major problems in our entire family. Our two grown children have never known what it is like to spend an entire day with their Daddy. He never went to any of their school functions, or took them any place special. Also, he "forgot" most of my birthdays, and anniversaries. Holidays, were a total chore, because he would constantly complain about money, would grouch all day long, eat dinner and then dissapear to his office for the rest of the day. I would have to spend the rest of the day entertaining our children and guests.  I did all of the decorating, cooking, and housework, as well as work, and he still complained about "his work". It is awful being married to a person who is unhappy ALL the time, and cannot find happiness in any part of life. Especially, when there is so much to be thankful for. 

     I feel guilty now, for staying in this marriage for so long. The hurt that has been done is so deep, and though I have tried anything and everything that I could to make things better, nothing worked.  

     I tried reading books, getting therapy, treating him special, trying special intimate things, and he always pushed me away.  

     Now, that I want out, he is begging me to stay. But, there is again, no action on his part that says that he is trying to change. I am 49 years old, and I feel that half of my life has been wasted on someone who is unable to get past his own issues to give to me as well as others. 

     Sometimes the honeymoon is over, and this one is, sorry to say. 

Dede7007 

I am glad that you have strong beliefs about marriage and a "stick to it" attitude. This is what "most" people hope for when getting married.(not all) Also, I wish you continued success and hope you get everything out of life that you and your spouse deserve. 

     I have to disagree on something though. Yes, in years past, people were married and stayed married, even though they had never met. There was love and respect mutually as far as we know. And for the most part, this worked well for society as a whole. But, in years past, WOMEN did not have a voice. Women were treated horribly in many, many marriages. Did you know that in most states here in America in past centuries, it was permitted for a husband to "BEAT" his wife, and or children, and this was even sanctioned by the law. He did not even need a valid reason. 

     There was MUCH abuse, but, because times were different then, abuse was something that was never talked about. There was MUCH sexual abuse and rape in families, and again that was something that was NEVER brought up. If a woman DID mention abuse, of course it was the woman's fault. Also, a man could divorce his wife with NO valid reason, but a woman could not. And if a woman did, she was ostrisized by the community, and was looked upon as a "wicked woman", while the man still held a good standing. 

     Now, here in America and other countries, women and children, AND husbands have more of a voice legally to say that they are being treated unfairly, and ABUSED. Plus, our court system is backing them up for the most part. But, sad to say, this leads to divorces, and puts divorce out into the open, where before it never was.      

   It would be a wonderful world, if people could take their marriage vows seriously and work toward them for a better life for all, because even one marriage affects more than just the two people involved. These are different times, and the information age has changed so much. 

   "Work out your problems"? That is a harsh statement to make when someone is being beaten and mentally or emotionally abused by someone. In most marriages like this, the person doing the abusing doesn't think that there is anything to "work out", especially when it comes to themselves.  

    Please, be a little more generous to those of us who have been in abusive situations, and yes, have chosen "wrong" partners because we did not know the difference between a "decent and upstanding person" and an "abusive, self-serving one". Even professionals sometimes tell abusive persons to "take a hike", when they re-fuse help.  

   Have a great day, and many wonderful years ahead to you. 

Dede7007 

     Wow, you sure have your hands full girl, and you SURELY need a break.  There is ONE thing about being thankful to our husbands for everything they do, but their is also the flip side of the coin. (which is) THEM being thankful for everything that WE do. 

     Being thankful goes both ways, not just one ; " the husband bringing home the money", or "bacon" so to speak. Woman and now men, who stay at home (especially with 5 children) have a full time job, with NO breaks, and NO vacations, and NO rest. A homemakers job is priceless, and the challenges and devotion to it are exhausting. 

      I agree when you said that being "thankful" includes a father spending time with his children and wife.  Nothing can show love to children more, than a husband taking time to spend some loving, plus "helpful" time with their mother. Children learn by example, and the wife "can't do it all". 

     I have had to carry so much of the home life and social life of the family ( plus working ) because my husband worked insanely long hours, that we developed a very "unbalanced" life. Funny thing about that though, is that even though he became a "workaholic", we were always in trouble financially. A lot of work doesn't always mean a lot of income. Sometimes, like my husband, people work because it becomes "their" escape from stressful situations. 

     My grown children show many symptoms of "too busy" parents. My husband was too busy with work, and I was too busy with trying to hold everything together. So, the children kind of got lost in the shuffle. It's hard for me to hear their pain now that they are grown, "and now tell me stories of missed opportunities, and things that hurt them".  I have asked forgiveness from them for many things, but more so, I try to show them as much unconditional LOVE and ATTENTION as I can. (Even though they are grown, they are still my "babies")  Glad to say, our relationships are closer than they have ever been, and I'm so happy about it. 

     Here's wishing you strength and love, as well as prayers.  

Sincerely, 

Dede7007 

My husband and I have been married for 23 years, and even from the very beginning we have had a VERY unsatisfying sex life. 

     One of the first issues is that my husband has PE, and has it pretty bad. Sex lasts anywhere from 50 seconds to 3 minutes. On rare occasions it lasted about 20 minutes.  "Bill", went to the doctor about this (only twice), and he had to have a vericose vein removed from his penis, but he didn't get any help for the lack of desire. The doctor gave him some Viagra, but it gave Bill headaches, and he stopped using it. I know he is embarrassed about not being able to sustain an erection, and because he ejaculates so fast.  

     I tried reading everything I could about PE, sex drives, and what a woman could do to create desire in a man, and please a man, but surprisingly he does not like me to be "assertive". It actually turned him off. I got to a point to where I didn't know WHAT to do. When I say I tried "everything", I mean I tried EVERYTHING, but nothing worked. 

      It's frustrating that he does not have a very strong sex drive. We married in our 20's, but even then he didn't want sex very often. (we only had it about once to twice a month) He had excuses for everything, and would NOT face this issue for the first ten years of our marriage. He would just get MAD about it, and make excuses for why we couldn't do it. He said that he just did not "desire" me. 

But, he didn't desire other women either, he just "didn't want sex". It had been VERY FRUSTRATING. I have always kept myself up physically, people have always told me I was attractive, and not to brag, but I think I look pretty good. So, it's not because he find's my PHYSICALLY unattractive. I just don't understand what's going on. 

     Now, for the past several years, we have just lived as roomates, with the past year, sex being totally non-existent. I tried to teach Bill about a woman's body, and what a womans needs are, and how a woman's body works, (he had very little knowledge about this when I met him) But, still again, whatever I say, he does not put into action. 

     I neglected to say that my husband is a workaholic. Work is his entire life. Coming from a very dysfunctional family, he chose work as his choice of addiction. His siblings chose chemicals. I believe that this, and a fear of failure had caused some of his sexual dysfunction. 

     What's most frustrating, is that he puts so much back on me. "If I would only do this,or if "I would only do that", but when I DO the things he asks, it still doesn't change anything. Because of his work habits, his mind really is NOT on the task at hand. (pardon the pun) When I was going through "my sexual prime" in my 30's, I was "burning up with sexual desire", which was terribly frustrating, because I could never get my needs met. I wasn't asking for sex every day, ( but I could have used it), but I would have liked it at least a couple times a week.  

    This whole thing, (plus others) has had a terrible effect on MY self esteem. I feel totally undesireable, unattractive, and now don't even WANT him to touch me. I know exactly what's going to happen if he does. It is going to be "sex as usual". He gets aroused, orgasms before we can even get into it, and I am left hanging. 

      He gets angry at me, and says, "I SAID I WOULD FINISH YOU", but that doesn't sound very appealing, and believe me, it isn't. Especially in the manner in which he says it, AND approaches it physically. 

      Because of this, and other problems, I am contemplating divorce. Is there anyone out there that is going through this as well? Have you had any success in making things better, and what were your methods? I would be interested. Thanks for listening. 

Dede7007