Messages By: dede7007

I'm so sorry that you have been going through this for so long. I have been going through much the same, and I too feel so much hurt that I almost wish I didn't know about the affair. But, if I didn't find out, he would have still continued on with the friendship, "as he calls it" . And said he wouldn't have stopped contacting her, because he is her "mentor". (that kind of creeps me out)

  He doesn't understand that he can no longer be "friends" with this other person. Even his counselor told him to STOP all contact with her, if he was to give our marriage the slightest chance. ( he still doesn't understand why) I don't think he wants to understand. But, if it were me who had the affair,  he would have kicked me to the curb and not looked back.

  I wish I had some love advice for you. I am going back into counseling on Saturday. I was in counseling but had to move and the cost financially was just too much for me. It hurts because I desperately need counseling, but the cost of it causes such financial stress, that it ADDS stress on top of stress.

  I also did what you did as far as becoming more self sufficient and independent. I just completed a computer course at the local college, and have to "start over" at 50 years old. It just isn't the way I ever imagined my life to be. I've had a physical pain condition that has limited my ability to do certain jobs, and I've been in a real financial bind.

  What also hurt so much is all the promises my husband made to me, and all the plans we made for our future and for so many other things, that he didn't keep. All the years of planning, sacrifice, work, commitment and trust went out the window when he met the "other" woman.

  He wants me to "put it in the past" because it was just a "mistake". I found an e-mail that the other woman wrote to him this past Christmas about how much she still loved him, and about their sex life, etc. It was heartwrenching and I felt like throwing-up. My husband emotionally left me a long, long time ago. But, blamed his affair on me. That one is hard to understand. He's been in counseling now for several months, and has learned a lot about himself. He knows that he's hurt me A LOT, and that he has hurt our two grown children, but still has a lot of "excuses" for it.  Like I said in my other post, he is a "blamer", and doesn't like to take responsibility.  He has been lying to the "other woman" as well, but she still wants him.

      The counselor also told my husband that it takes 2 years for someone to get over a betrayal from a spouse. It's only been 4 months for me, since I found out the "absolute" truth, even though the affair had been going a while back, and suspected from the start.  So, for him to tell me to "just get over it", is more hurt, because the pain is so new and raw.

  I do wish you well, and I know there are some good books on Amazon.com about marriages, affairs, loss of love, emotional distance, and abuse. One good book is "Why is it always about you?".  I'm not "trying" to give advice, but did want you to know there are others of us out here.

Take care,

Dede

It is so sad that our husbnds have been so deceptive with us AND with the other women, and to tell us that both women fill a "need" within them.

Don't they understand that we as women have the exact SAME NEEDS as them. Only instead of turning to other men, we want to draw closer to our husbands, but the husbands turn to someone outside of the marriages.

THAT IS WHAT WE DON'T UNDERSTAND.

 Don't they understand that we would give them so much MORE if they let us "into' their lives? instead of pushing us away from them? and then blaming us on top of it?

    Also,  husbands (like mine) who have the mid-life crisis affairs, who are feeling "old" and need someone to listen to them and make them feel "good' again, don't realize that we as wives feel the same.

  We feel old too, and want our man to tell us that we are still attractive and

 desired again

    I know for myself, I would GLADLY return the words and compliments, if he offered any.  I tried for many many years to do this. He knows and agrees that I worked very hard at that and has no explaination for why he did'nt return them. And that the affair was just a

 "mistake", and that she is "just a kid". He's repeated that over and over. So why the affair then? more excuses? And why want to keep in contact with her "as a friend"?

Also,  gifts they give to the OW, are gifts they would NEVER think of giving us. Flowers, jewelry, special event tickets (that were "boring", when suggested by us). etc.

 I sacrificed SO MUCH for him to get where is he in business. He promised to make it up to me, but instead, he gave "what  I wanted for years" to the OW.  She isn't the one who put up with temper tantrums, picking up after him like he was a toddler, making do on less than nothing, and being told to "stay home" while he went out and had fun. Never having time for me and the kids, and never taking vacations because of "WORK". I took care of his mother with Alzhiemer's, and spend years attending to her. (which he now takes credit for)

     I tried the sexy approach, the quiet demure approach, being aloof, staying thin and working out and being attractive, keeping up with "what's happening in business", helping him in HIS business. It didn't matter, NOTHING worked. He was and still is just TOTALLY ABSORBED IN HIMSELF. So, now I am just working on ME. I thought that a couple could grow "together", not be around each other "every minute of the day", but at least have an emotional connection and grow closer "together". How wrong I have been. I'm also angry at myself for "believing" what he was saying. But why do we have to go around mistrusting everything our partner says? That doesn't seem right either.

     We as women (even the OW's) are looking for a COMMITMENT from these men. If they can't make a commitment to the wives that they took VOWS with, how can they make commitments with other women? They have fallen prey to the same "charming" ways as we did. Notice, that many OW's are much "younger" than the current wives.

     There is not much that hurts worse than a husband cheating with another less than half your age. Talk about the ultimate blow to the self esteem! ANY CHEATING HURTS, but the younger, the "ow" the worse the wife feels. (At least in my case)( I don't mean to speak for anyone else)

    Some day the OW's are going to be the "older women", and get traded for another younger one. That day WILL come. I know thousands of people in my profession, and have seen very few marriages without some type of infidelity on the part of the husband. Of course wives do this too, but over all, it's still more the husband. We women get 'used up", from raising kids, housework, careers, trying to be sexy, alluring women, and keep on top of the "information age" at the same time. We STILL have to do the MAJORITY of everything.

 If  husbands and wives could turn to EACH OTHER, instead of thinking that "someone else" is going to meet that need, a lot of horrific pain and family turmoil could be avoided.

     I don't know what the answer is, and I am having a TERRIBLE time trusting ANYONE at this point. Betrayal is a terrible thing, and I feel so naive, stupid and hurt. (angry too)

   I've also wanted to talk to the other woman. I know she's been hurt too, and lied to. But, now I have found out that she KNEW that I DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT THEM, but by leaving evidence around where I could find it, she was hoping that I WOULD FIND OUT,so that I would "dump" my husband so SHE could have him. What a way to START a relationship. Even if we divorce and she gets him ALL TO HERSELF, she will NEVER KNOW if he will be totally faithful to her, and VICE VERSA. The've started their entire "relationship" on lies and deceipt. (Not a good way to start) There will ALWAYS be suspicion on BOTH their parts.

Anyway, I WANT to forgive the other woman, but she pursued my husband relentlessly, which I witnessed before it went "too far", and regardless of my warnings, and trying to be a better wife to draw him "away' from her, it didn't make any differece. SAD. I wish I could stop crying. Every day is filled with tears. Who for? For all of us.

Dede

I too, sacrificed and waited years for my husband to finish his PhD, and "supposedly" the rewards that were supposed to come from it. We made plans for years, and that he would make my "sacrifices" up to me. (14 years to finish this degree) I sacrificed a lot, and worked very hard to help him in his business, and in life, and with whatever he needed so that he would have less stress on him. Anyway, we've been married 24 years now.

     When he got to the dissertation point, we were on a "working vacation" 3 yrs. ago.(he always worked on vacation), and met a young girl, 23. (less than half his age, and 3 years younger than our youngest daughter) She pursued him relentlessly, and he "ate up" all the attention she gave him.  In front of the people they were both working for, "and ME", they went to lunches together, (working of course) had drinks after work, and e mailed each other from that point on. Regardless of what I said or did, he refused to stop writing her, or calling her.

     They started an "emotional" affair. I knew immediately that something was wrong. I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach by a mule.  My husband said he didn't believe there was such a thing as an "emotional affair". He continually denied anything was going on with the OW.

     When my husband finally finished his degree, and WE were supposed to start living all the things he said we "couldn't" do while finishing the degree,  he got a job in a different state, moved there, and then started a physical affair with the OW.  This he blamed on me, for not "moving there with him".  This was crazy because the house we were living in was a shambles, needed months of repair, and had to be put on the market to be sold. I was left back in the "trash' of our "old life", had to repair the house, and get it ready to sell. He was off living his "new" life. What hurts the worst, is that what my husband promised to ME, he gave to the OW. (meaning his attention , love and new life) Also, I was in severe pain from surgery, was taking care of his Alzhiemer's mother, (which he also left behind) and when the house sold, he kept all the money, bought a house (for both of us) in HIS NAME ONLY. But, then he didn't want me to move there,( because he was involved with the OW). I had to move out of our old house, was living out of a small bedroom in my sisters condo, (and my car). I had no job, no money, and was devastated from the inside/out.

         I found out about the affair positively  this past January, when I found an e mail that she sent him about how much she still loved him, and about their sex life. I WAS SICK.  It's only been 4 months and my husband keeps telling me that I have to "GET OVER IT". That it was "just a mistake", and that she was "just a kid". Those statements do not help me at all in trying to "get over it".  The OW knew that I didn't know for sure about them, but she still kept writing him, and he kept writing her, and says that he doesn't know why he still can't be "friends" with her.

       He has now been professionally diagnosed with Adult ADD/ADHD, and is on medication and in behavior therapy. The counselor (with me present) told my husband that ALL CONTACT with the OW had to "stop"! But, my husband isn't doing anything to try to reassure me that all contact HAS stopped. He just keeps saying, "I don't want to talk about it".   We have learned about the behavior of ADD'ers, but still the ADD didn't make him have an affair. My husband says he still wants the marriage to work, and he wants to "make it up to me now", but I am having a REAL HARD TIME believing this.

      He knows now how much pain that he has put me through, and I have become someone that I don't even recognize any more. The devastation has been beyond belief. The ADD/ADHD causes a lot of it's own damage to spouses and families, let alone an affair on top of it.

      For over 20 years, I tried to be as best a wife as I could be. I know everyone says that, but I really tried hard. This my husband DOES admit, and says that I did and gave everything I could to the marriage, and doesn't know why "he just couldn't give me what I needed or deserved".  This is an awful thing to find out after SO MANY years together.

    I have wondered if I have just been "fooling myself" for all these years, or was just blind and stupid, or what. But, everything my husband was SAYING, was different than his behavior, and vice versa. He constantly was keeping me "off balance".

    What's amazing too, is that he always had a sexual dysfunction. (from young adulthood) This he has always blamed on whatever girlfriend "came before" the one he was dating. And when he met the OW, he then blamed on me. His mother even knew about this, because one of his former girlfriends broke up with him because of it. (AND TOLD HIS MOTHER ABOUT IT) amazing, even I couldn't have done that.

    Anyway, this whole thing has changed my life forever, and there are days that I don't think that I will EVER stop crying. I know he lied to the OW, and he lied to me TOO. He had sex with me, but was telling her that he wasn't. She also visited him at "our new house", and left things there for me to find. She wanted me to find the items so that I would dump him, and she could have him all to herself. (Also, I don't know what he was telling her) Maybe he was telling her that he was going to divorce me, or me him) But, starting a relationship on lies, deceipt and cheating is not the best way to "start" a life together. I am the MOST angry at my husband, because he KNEW BETTER. He was as he calls it, "her mentor" (which creeps me out), and crossed the line in professionalism. Another point: If it was me who had the affair, he would have kicked me to the curb and not looked back. (he admitted this)

    But, nothing hurts so much as having your husband "hook up" with someone so young. He was going through a mid-life crisis at the time, (no excuse) I have had plenty of temptation myself, but wanted to turn "towards" my husband, not look outside the marriage for resolution. I have never felt so old, used,  and degraded.    

     At this point myself, I don't know whether or not I'm beyond hurt, or just too hurt to feel anything. I am in counseling, but this betrayal is terrible. Our two grown children are VERY hurt, and what they have seen happen to me has hurt them even worse.

   It's awful at 50 to have to start my life over again. I took a couple of classes at a local college, and am working on myself right now, and am living with my youngest daughter. It certainly isn't what I imagined my life to be.

    Now, in counseling I have to decide if it's worth it to believe him again, or just move on. It is so hard after so many years.

    Is this an epidemic? There are so many wives in this position.

   Thank you Ami for the kind words. I think you have a pretty good insight about the mid-life body snatchers. :) But, I am sorry you had to see it first hand, because of your parents situation. I feel for your mother, and I know how much hurt there is from such a betrayal. The damage is great. My girls are really hurting because of all this too. They don't want their family to break up, but they don't want their father to keep hurting me and lying to everyone either. If we get back together, it is going to be very hard to "wait" 10 or more years, or how ever long it takes for him to get OUT of this ML crisis.

   I need his reassurance now, and some healing now, and I keep hearing, "someday we will work this out", and,  "this is going to take more time". I'm thinking, "how much longer do you want and need?"

   His counselor is now telling him things that I've been saying for a long, long time. And now, he is sarcastically telling me these new "revelations", about how a marriage and relationship "should" be. Again, it's not reassuring, it's discouraging. Especially in the WAY he is telling me. More and more, I don't really believe he wants the relationship to work, he just doesn't want to have to "split up the assets". As he has said, "I don't want to loose everything  " I "  have worked so hard for".  I've told him, "you did not get where you are ALONE." I worked very hard to help us get what we had. He doesn't want to hear that either.

  It's a very hard, hard thing to deal with. No one knows how devastating it can be unless you've lived it. I don't think that OW's realize how MANY people they are hurting when they involve themselves in other people's lives. I can understand how they can fall for the attention and "love" of a MM, but the aftermath is nothing but destruction. Look how it affected you and your siblings, and now mine, and many many others. Also, the men too, don't THINK. They have their choices just like we do.  To throw away so much for their ego's is hard to understand.

  We as wives have the same needs, the same ego needs, the need to be desired and feel like we are important too.

   I've read many posts from the OW's, and they say they wouldn't have had a chance if the marriage wasn't already in "trouble". SO WHAT!! EVery marriage has trouble, and every person has problems. It doesn't make it right or make the problems or relationship BETTER, if another person involves themselves emotionally and physically into another person's marriage. They wouldn't want it done to them. They even get jealous of the wives, so how do they think WE FEEL? We didn't ask for them to get involved. Plus, many of us have BEEN trying to make our relationships better. Again, we don't have to justify our marriages to the OW's. The MM chose US to marry, and it was US they made vows to, and it is US that they are supposed to work things out with. That's the bottom line.

  But, here in this country, an older woman doesn't have the same "appeal" as an older man. (maybe to some, not the majority) Hollywood doesn't help this.  I wish I knew what to do.

   Each day presents it's own issues. It's hard, and it hurts. But, thanks for the encouragement.

Dede

Thanks again Ami. I do agree with what you said about a wife being a caretaker for so long for her kids, but longer still for her husband, that she becomes part of his identity. Many of us loose our own identity, especially if the husband is totally "self absorbed", and demands that the rest of the family cater to him.

      I've heard people say, "no one can MAKE you do anything you don't want to do". Hey, in a marriage, where you fall in love, and start out loving each other and trying to build on that, you don't realize that little by little, year after year, one starts taking more and the other giving more. Hoping that later on, things will "even" out.   Many promises get made,(maybe even with good intentions) so you make "allowances" for things that you would NOT tolerate in other situations.

     Sad to say, my daughters watched as I became entrenched in my husband's identity. They now give more in "their" relationships than they are given in return. I am so sorry that I set that example. But, who would have thought that being giving, and loving, and doing the best you can will turn out to be the "wrong" thing to do? I too have apologized to them numerous times, and still do. Their father hasn't apologized once. He's mad at them for their mistakes, and for dissapointing HIM!

     His WORK was and still is all there is to life. He said today that his main priority in life is to have the "Admiration of his peers". What a sad thing. It's nice to be noticed by your peers, but when it becomes an obsession, it's just wrong. It's been an obsession for him (getting worse every year) to the exclusion of the girls and I. And to put that ABOVE your family is a hard thing to understand. He has no friends, (except phone,e-mail,etc). But, nothing to where he has to "invest" time and energy into nurturing a friendship, let alone a marriage or raising his children. Actually the computer gets ALL his time. (each year this got worse)

     He is so angry at our girls,because they have made mistakes in their own love lives. But when they were small he spent NO time with them whatsoever in helping raise them. He would angrily complain about how he had to work "two jobs", and that was enough. He didn't think his job went any further than that. I told him many times that single mothers have to do that EVERY DAY, and STILL raise children and love them and prepare them for the world.Girls need their fathers to hold them and tell them they are beautiful and teach them how a real man is supposed to treat them, so that they know later in life how to choose a mate.

     He now says that he knows that he wasn't "ready" for marraige, or having children.( We were both 27 when we got married.)  TOO BAD! He took the same vows I did, and I had to be responsible for my actions, why doesn't he?

     Thinking of myself first, and taking care of myself doesn't seem normal, since I've been taking care of people since I was young. But, it is important to do, I know. I did take two computer classes at the local college, and will take another soon. Plus, I'm looking for a job, but again, at 50 starting a career is a little late. I have to admit that I really lack confidence in this. I have a pain condition that's unpredictable, so jobs are limited.

    I've always tried to keep my appearance up, stay well dressed (makeup, hair and everything), and not let myself "go" so to speak) I worked even through my pain, and did all the housework, laundry, yardwork, and still did all HIS behind the scenes work.

     I know young women in today's society are taught more of a "me first" attitude. (college and carrer and all)  But, when they get married, they find out that the guys haven't kept up with "society". The women STILL have to do the majority of everything. Surprise! (not all, but many) 

     Again, thanks for the kind words, and I'm sorry you have had to go through so much.

Dede

Hey girl,

    It's not your fault that your husband "stepped out of the marriage" to fufill "his" needs. It is NEVER ok for someone to go outside of a marriage to get their needs met, whether it is physical or not. (emotional affairs are just as wrong)

   So what if you messed up finances. So, do husbands. My husband messed our finances up so bad, we wound up bankrupt, but he wouldn't let me near the finances. I didn't go have an affair over it. Don't beat yourself up about that. My husband had also had a sexual problem and would NOT get help which drove me sexually crazy. After being married a couple of years, the sex went from about once a week to once a month, then down to about once every 3 to 4 months, now about twice a year. Guess who had the affair? HE DID.

   It is very hard to get over the betrayal of an affair. I suspected that mine was having an emotional affair (which he denied) and when it turned sexual, he denied it further. When I finally found out (proof positive), he finally confessed, and said it was a "mistake", and that she was "just a kid" and that he knew he really messed up. But, that didn't make the hurt any better, or make me feel wanted or ok. He is in counseling now, and he is finding out many things that he did to contribute the lack of communication in our marriage, and just how much HE was to blame for many of the things that he was blaming ME FOR.

  Anyway, you WILL be OK. I didn't believe that myself. It took almost two years for me to finally believe that I was going to be ok. The hurt and pain are still there, and I still don't trust him. That trust has been so broken, that it may take a while to get it back.

   My husbands counselor told me that it takes at least 2 years for a spouse to get over the "shock" and just the initial hurt and betrayal of an affair, so don't be too hard on yourself about it.

    Even though my husband wants to get back together, and is trying very hard to convince me that he really means it, he is still being secretive about things.

    He too, doesn't want our grown girls to know about his infidelity. Too late. They already know. Children, adult or not, are a lot smarter than parents give them credit for. We knew our step father was cheating on our mother when we were younger, and we had no proof. Kids just know.

   But, what  kids see the most is the hurt their mother is going through. Many people try to tell us to be "strong" "for the kids". Baloney!

      If your kids ask, and really want to know, use your best judgement and tell them only what you feel comfortable with. If you don't think it will be good for them, don't tell them. You know your kids well and what they can handle. They probably already have their own issues with their father. I don't mean to make assumptions, but my kids have told me things that I had no idea they knew. It has been an EYE OPENING experience. Sometimes I think "how could I have been so blind"?, especially when the kids saw everything I didn't?

    I know you are hurting, and there are many of us out here. We are hurting along with you, and are thinking about you, so don't think that you are alone.

   What is wrong with today's husbands? There are thousands upon thousands of husbands cheating on their wives, and abndoning their families. Yes, women do it too, but I think the numbers have been altered in the media, because the amount of husbands cheating on their  wives seems to be way out of proportion.

  Since Hollywood has made it so "chic" to sleep around, get married and divorced several times, it seems like the rest of the country has followed suit.

   I'm not blaming all ills on Hollywood, but they DO play a major role in affecting our culture. This shouldn't be, but it is.

  But, why are so many people having affairs? I wish Dr. Phil or someone would really look into this on a major scale.

  Also, women's lib did a lot for women back in the 60's to get equal rights and pay, but THAT TOO is still way out of proportion. Plus, WHERE are the womens libbers right now? Why aren't they being advocates for the women who are getting LEFT because of so much "so called freedoms".  Women work now, but STILL have to do the majority of work at home, and raise the kids, etc. The men have NOT kept up with "society".

   My husband has worked with college kids for the past 18 years, and we have seen men becoming MORE complacent about being involved in their families lives. Of course, THERE ARE THE EXCEPTIONS. Some men are very loving and caring, and give of themselves generously to their families, but they are in the minority.

   Why are so many husbands wanting their cake and eat it too? Then blaming everything on the wife? It is so infantile, juvenile and just plain SELFISH. I guess it just boils down to that. Just plain being selfish. If they don't want the responsibility of a wife and kids, then DON'T GET

MARRIED, and especially DON'T HAVE KIDS.

   That is a harsh thing to say, but look at the result of all this. Our country is falling apart at the seams, and even the main line media is reporting that it is because of the BREAKDOWN OF THE AMERICAN FAMILY. I never thought that they would actually report that, but the statistics are in, and we are in serious trouble.

   Morals and plain "common sense" seem to have dissapeared somewhere. Having been in the school systems (elementary through college), state and private schools, now for over 24 years, we have seen a breakdown in family life like never before. Children are growing up to be callous, hurt and anxious adults, not having stability at home, and not knowing where to get it.

   The teachers and the state CAN NOT take care of EVERYTHING. That is called socialism. It doesn't work, and history has proven that repeatedly.

   Sadly, it is in my own family as well. The pain and hurt of all this is creating such a broken society. We need to fix this.

   Maybe I am being a little too pessemistic here, but when day in and day out, all you see are broken families and broken lives, it gets overwhelming. Plus, my own pain over all this, and from the cheating and divorce, lies and deceipt that went on in my own parents lives, is still affecting my family, and those they touched.

   I read these all these posts from all over the country, and it just breaks my heart.

   I'm praying for everyone.

Dede 

   What is happening?  

Yes, I understand that. And, I've been doing things just for myself. I did loose some weight, and have slimmed back down. I took two computer classes, and did well in those. I am physically disabled due to a car accident, and have a chronic pain condition. I've have worked inspite of it, but am limited. I can't work full time due to disability. I'm only allowed to make 800.00 per month,(including the disability which is 530. a month)  which is obscene, because others get a couple thousand a month. THis means that I can only earn 300. a month on top of disability. It's awfully hard to live  on 800. a month when I have no medical benefits from disability.

  I have been getting healthier due to less stress of being around my husband. Meaning, the pain has lessened, and I'm way down to almost nothing on meds. I also took myself off of 3 the doctor had me on. The doctor is aware of this, and I'm working with him on this.

  I said what I did because of incredible frustration with this whole thing. There are days that I'm so angry I want to break everything in the house. (but don't) I have to work through it. My next counseling appointment is coming up, and there is much to talk about. The anger with myself is even more of an issue. I tolerated too many things for too long. I believed his promises and in the plans that we were making for our future. Now I feel foolish for that. But why shouldn't a couple make plans and believe in them?

    When I found out about the affair 5 months ago, it hurt so much I couldn't belive the pain, even though I suspected it. He denied it to the hilt until there was proof positive, and he couldn't deny it any more. Why did he have to lie to the enth degree?

   No one wants to call themselves stupid for believing in the lies of someone they love. But I was stupid and naive and that hurts. And, he blamed me for the affair. I am not to blame for him going outside the marriage.

   I am trying to put myself first, but when you've always been in a cartaking position, it is very very hard. Believe it or not, there are days when I look in the mirror and just ask myself. HOW, how do you put yourself first? That may sound unbelievable to some, and crazy to others, but there are those of us who are asking this, and we don't want to be put down even more (after being put down by our husbands) for not knowing how to put outselves first. This is something that I have to really work on with my counselor.

   Even though I am living with my daughter, I get very lonely. I have friends, hobbies and am a musician and play music with other musicians.  Still, every one wants some individual attention and love now and then. (even just to be held in someone's arms)  So do I.

   I've read several books about broken relationships, and what I'm going through is pretty normal for the circumstances. The counselor hasn't told me otherwise.

  You are right about letting him decide the due course of our relationship. That is something that I have been telling him outright. He is NOT GOING to  decide which way this is going to go or will CONTINUE to go. He has done that for too long.And if he doesn't like that arrangement...tough!

  I have yet to balance out my emotions and issues with myslef because of the marriage being so lopsided for so long. We have been separated now for almost 2 years. This was not my decision but his. He says now that he regrets the decision. I don't feel bad that he is feeling bad about it. He didn't consider my feelings when he decided to move and take a job elsewhere. He moved for himself, and for the OW.

   The generalities I made are not sweeping, over all, black and white generalities. I get reports from many, many arenas, and there are so many people hurting from infidelity it is staggering.

   There are a lot of hurting people, and many are here on these boards.

Hi again,

   Well, my husband and I are planning to get back together again in less than a month. We have both been in counseling, and have been doing well. But, a month ago he dropped another bomb. He refuses to give up contact with the other woman. He says they are still friends, and he sees no reason to give up their friendship. I disagree.

   If the roles were reversed, he would have a FIT if I had contact with an ex-lover.(which I don't have)  We wouldn't even be contemplating reconciliation if I had cheated.

     Dr. Phil and other counselors say that ALL CONTACT MUST STOP between the "other person" and the offending spouse, if the marriage is to have a chance at survival.  I agree with this.

    By accepting her phone calls and e-mails, I believe he is encouraging her that there is STILL hope for them. He denies this. He says she doesn't believe that, and that she won't try to interfere if she knows that we are getting back together. But, she is still calling him, and he is STILL taking her calls. I don't believe that this is right.

   This woman is much younger than us, (early 20's) and I think my huband is enjoying the "thrill" of having two women "wanting" him. Again, he denies this.

     Also, by taking her calls, he is not totally dedicating himself to what WE have to do, which is to put our lives back together again. There is going to be a part of him that is in one place, when he should be totally in our relationship and dedicated to it. (not wanting his cake and eat it too)

   I can NOT get back with him if he continues to make this an absolute. He says that I have to forgive him, and by not letting him do this, I am not forgiving him. (What?) What sense does that make?  This other woman fell in love with him, and I read her letter to him only 6 months ago, saying such. I believe my husband is still in love with her, but is in major denial and wants me to be in the same denial. Again, he thinks I am overeacting.

    I have my gut feelings, but I need you guys input on this as well, and I am going to have him read your inputs. You can write either way on this.

Thanks,

Dede