Messages By: trinket

Quote From: lissbaby

Okay, I'll start by saying that I am 24 and I've been dating my boyfriend for 4 years now.  I live at home with my parents and have been attending a local college since graaduating high school.   

  

My parents are super controlling and over protective and I don't know what to do about it!  They are so controlling that they never taught me how to drive, my boyfriend did when I was 21 years old, and I just got my first car in March of 2005.  My parents have a very strict curfew of midnight, not a minute late.   

  

My boyfriend lives an hour away from me and for 4 years he has done all of the driving in our relationship.  He got a new car in Oct of 2001 that already have 98,000 miles on it, just from driving to see me on weekends only.  My parents will not let me drive my car anywhere except to college (a 15 minute drive) and to the mall, and I must have the cell phone on me at all times because they are so scared something is going to happen to me.   

  

Recently my boyfriends car has broke down, so this weekend I was suppose to drive an hour to where he lives so that we can see each other.  However, my parents won't let me drive there because I'm "Not experienced enough and might get killed," therefore we can't see each other which jepordizes our relationship.  I am tired of it and don't know how to change things! 

  

When I ask about why I have a curfew of midnight I am told "its more for the respect of others in the house" when really I know that's not the case!  They are so scared and paranoid I am going to do something they don't approve of.   

  

Any comments would be appreciated!   

Quote From: apay06

I never thought that I would be a cheater's wife.   After 26 years of marriage, my husband told me he needed to move out to decide if he still wanted to be committed to our marriage.  He told me all of the cliches that a man who is in a midlife crisis says.  ( he hasn' t been happy, he needed space)   He left almost 6 weeks ago.  

After doing some investigating on my own, I confirmed that he was and still is having an affair.  He said that he has known her for three years and would "run into her from time" for the first two years.  In January of 2005 he "turned on" the affair, as he put it.  Our only child left for college in September 2005, at which time I started to suspect something was not right. 

He never admitted to the affair until I confronted him after seeing his car in front of her house one night.  He was still living home at the time.  I told him to leave that night.  Within a week he was calling me crying and apologizing and wanting to work things out.  He was going to end the affair within a few days. Almost six weeks later it's still going on. He says he loves her and she loves him too. (By the way she was cheated on during a 10 year relationship.)  He says he loves me too and knows that he can't have us both.. He says he needs more time to decide whether he wants to try to rebuild our marriage or live a single man's life. 

As each day passes, I remain less hopeful that we can rebuild our marriage.  I am starting to see that it's his problem not mine.  I will not make his decision for him by giving him an ultimatum or saying that our marriage is over.  As a result he (and I ) remain in limbo. I told him that I do not want to speak to him or see him unless it is about our son or financial obligations.  He wants to still see me.  I think it relieves some of his guilt.  He said if the shoe were on the other foot, he would wait for me. What a joke!   

I am trying to move forward.  Everyday is difficult .  I have a support group of family , friends and a therapist. 

At this time our son does not know that his father has left.  He went back to college in January a few days before I confronted his father about the affair.  Our son is coming home in four days for Spring break.  We are going to tell him then.  It is going to be the most painful  thing that I as his 

mother  have ever done.  However, none of this is my doing. My husband is going to do the speaking and I will probably cry.  I cannot keep this secret from him any longer.   My husband is in denial that this news will affect our son.  He thinks that because he's 19, he will have so many other things on his plate and this will not be in the forefront.  I totally disagree. 

These two shows have shown me that I am not alone in experiencing this ultimate betrayal.  It is going to be difficult for me to move on with my life at age 50.  I have spent 32 years with him.  Some days are good but right now most  are bad.  I didn't know that it is possible for one person to cry so much.  I have lost my son and husband within 5 months.   

I can fill up pages describing the many conversations that my husband, family and friends have had during these past 6 weeks. There are no answers, only a lot of soul searching, self doubt, self reassurance and may glassess of White Zinfandel. 

Quote From: ms23ms23

 Thank you Dr. Phil for letting him know that he is slick, and that you as well as other are acknowledging that. This does not mean that it is all his fault though. Let me start by saying that when she said that what he is doing is hurting the relationship and he replied that it wasn't,  was sign #1 that he hasn't changed. Maybe it was taken out of context, but I believe he means it. That one comment showed that her feeling did not matter to him and that he is still very selfish. I think that he is too selfish to even be able to care for anything other than what he thinks is good for him. She on the other hand still seems timid and is still being walked over. It is one thing to be able to say that you have changed, and a whole other thing to actually have changed. She seems to stick up for him a little to much for all this happening a month ago. There is still four months from now and it seems now will become then and he will want to go back to the other woman. Overall I think that she needs to leave him and see what he does with her gone for a while, I'm sure it will have to do with the other woman. As for her I feel really bad that the only man she can find is a married one, what town do they live in? (that was sarcasm she deserves to feel the pain she has caused this family.

Quote From: tebssis

I really identified with this young father, I find it hard not to use the "F" word in day to day life and not because I lack the vocabulary, because it's so darn funny. As proven by the laughs while you read the "rose" list.  I've found that if I slip in front of children even strangers, if I apologize immediately and tell them that what I said is strictly adult talk and they should never repeat ANYTHING that I say, they have acted according to my wishes. It's kind of a running joke with my friends' kids, they finish the rest of the apology before I can even finish.   

Lighten up, people, it's a WORD! Although I don't condone cussing in front of children, I'm tired of catering to a bunch of kids that aren't going to be prepared to live in the real world because you've sheltered them from any and all adult language.  

  

Quote From: mwactx

This is a continuation of my attempts to explain how it works for us and my views on the judgmental people: 

One of the worst shames to me are to see closed minded folks trying desperately to fit everyone into their personal set (or interpretation ) of morals. I never ever said Polyamory is the only way, I never said it was my first choice. I came into this situation thru a roundabout path. I have always had trouble asserting myself. My wife has absolutely no trouble asserting herself....what happened is we found excitement and fulfillment in "reversing" the roles we were living. I found that where I have weakness she has strength and where she has weakness I have strength..we mesh extremely well and complete each other quite well. I was on my own...I hate doing finances...I hate "running " the household. My pet (it is my "pet" name for her even before the lifestyle change ) is great at running our house. She is awesome at managing our money and I never want for clean clothes or a clean house. I am blessed to have a wonderful woman who listens to be mutter about wanting something sorta special like a certain candy or something small, and the next thing I know I am surprised with a special treat given to me as a token of her love for me. Than is how I know I am blessed. I also cannot imagine a life without her in it. We have had many deep discussions of who we are what we wanted and then as we discussed our deepest thoughts we discovered that we could change our relationship into something that completed us even more. We had been close before...however now I know without a doubt that we are each others soulmate...this closeness we have found was due to stripping all the blame and shame from being who we are. Since that time we have both been learning and growing. I am not saying everything has been peaches and cream. There have been problems and what we found is we both have common things we agree on and also some we cannot...but the underlying love for each other made it all work out. 

  

Yes I do understand one person being enough. I am not saying susan was not enough for me...she is. What I am saying is we are secure enough to be able to see that we are able to love others as well. Society does not look well on loving more than one person except if it is in a non-sexual family way. I have found that we are attracted to different people...and others are attracted to us and we can share our lives and love with others and it does not take away from our love of each other.  

  

I do take offense to you calling terri "second best" ...she is not second best to anyone ...PERIOD  What she IS is she is my second girl. she is not second best...she just happens to be the second girl because I was already married before WE met her. WE love terri and include her in our love. I am not at all trying to convince anyone that they should try this relationship style. What I am saying is that we live it and it can work...I do ask that people be open-minded enough to understand that other people do things differently than you and it is not automatically wrong if you do not understand or like it.  

  

I am sorry you lost a friend...I have had many people "hitting on me" and many people "hitting on " susan and terri also, however we handle the situation in a different manner. Yes we have lost some friends, but for the most part our lifestyle is tolerant of attractions and hitting on someone BUT when it is addressed and someone is told NO that is respected as a final answer and everyone moves on and usually remains friends. Just because the intimate contact is not desired does not mean we have to alienate them from us as friends.  Our lifestyle (for the most part) is very accepting of differences. But we have our share of predators and jerks. 

  

We do agree on the point that marriage is about love, respect and fulfilling one-another's needs and desires. In my case we have chosen to allow another to share in our love...and it is not one-sided....we all love each other. 

  

As for the Lord Almighty not creating us to love more than one...why is it in so many books of the bible that there were multiple wives in so many cases? are they all wrong? is it all listed just to show how many times it was wrong? I am not as good on the bible as I should...my wife is much better and looked for me. she found many mentions of multiple wives and it was in both the New and Old testaments.  

  

I will tell you that I do feel like I am the King of my domain...I am on top of the world...I have the love and adoration of  some wonderful women and they are loved without measure. I do my best to help them grow and be happy without harming anyone in the process. I have more friends I trust with everything now than I ever did before. I think society today has lost a lot of its honesty and integrity due to poor role-models, people in power doing bad things and just plain old lack of doing whats right. What I have found is an alternative society that has a different set of standards that most adhere to...and some of the most important ones are honesty, personal integrity and respect. I know people who do not live this lifestyle do not understand it. It really is not for everyone.  

  

Be Well, 

Charles 

Quote From: sweetsilk

ihave been with the same man for 5 years  all and all we have agood relation ship hes anice guy and has agreat since of humar, we have been engaged for ayear  anddgetting him to set a date is  difficult we was going to do it this year things came up cant afford it so we are not doing it  isuggested  lets do it on vacation he seems to still be thinking about it im not sure if hes scaried of marriage cus his parents didnt have the perfect marriage and two of his brothers had cheated several times on there wifes so im not sure what he is thinking i dont want to pressure him but i also dont want to just be his live in girl friend . so any body with good advice  would help.