Messages By: logicat

My self image involves my husband.  I'm self employed and do the best I can at keeping all the bills paid, even while going through cancer treatments.  I think my husband is only here because I support him.  He says he loves me but does NOTHING to help support the household.  He keeps the yard work done, does little fix-up jobs on the house but that's all.  We don't sleep together, he refuses to go anywhere with me and generally treats people poorly.  He is really cute with me at times and after 16 years of marriage and since my cancer diagnosis he's finally remembering my birthday and our anniversary.  Still......  he won't help financially and won't change anything he's doing.  At one time he threatened to take my house if I tried to divorce him.  His name is not on the title, I bought the house with my late husband but since I've supported him for 16 years, I'm told there is precedent for that to happen.    

Since my cancer was diagnosed, I've gone through surgery, chemotherapy and radiation.  The surgery took one breast, the chemotherapy took my waist length hair and the radiation took my energy.  I still do the best I can, which isn't too bad, but the future is uncertain.  Since hubby won't work, I fear for if and when the cancer returns and I'm unable to continue working.  I am on Medicad, Social Security Income won't even  pay my house payment and I feel as though I'm held hostage to a man that's only here because I support him.  What is wrong with me that I have to pay to keep him here?  I'm told I'm still attractive, a little weight gain from the treatments but still within normal limits, I try to look and do my best but I can't shake the feeling that I have to buy his friendship.  This has never really been a marriage, I guess, but I'm told I'm loyal to a fault.  Needless to say my self-image is as low as dirt.... 

Thank you for your reply.  Perhaps I can shed a little more light on this subject...  I thought I was getting a loving, nuturing husband when I married him.  My late husband was mentally and physically abusive.  At least this one isn't beating on me.  He was so very sweet and attentive when we first married.  Somewhere along the line, too slowly to much notice, things began to change.  He started staying up all night with friends, sex got rarer, then about 3 or 4 years ago he started sleeping on the couch.  Claimed the bed hurt his back.  He did hurt his back on the job right after we first got married and I guess he got too used to staying home all the time.  Oh, jobs...  He actually had a job about 8 years ago then started his own company, hired a crew, bought lots of equipment and did some of the best work in framing that has been done and had the quickest crew in the area.  He made over $160,000 gross in 5 months before he was fired by the contractor.  He gave me a total of $3000 in those 5 months.  He was so deep in debt by that time that he had to file bankruptsy.    

I don't know how to be loyal to myself, I guess.  I feel as though I've always been the butt of somebody's bad joke.  Meanwhile I work hard to keep bills paid, occasionally go to lunch with friends I've met since I've had cancer and am building a relationship with my family again.   

My husband came from a really off the wall family.  So I guess I cut him a lot of slack because of that.  But how do I reconcile the life I have with what could or couldn't be?  I've made such poor choices in men that I don't trust myself to even think about trying that again.  The thought of being "available" again really doesn't interest me.  I tend to end up marrying the few men I've ever dated seriously.  This husband is #3.  I simply can't trust my own choices.  Now, I'm 59, have gone through cancer treatments, can't work a lot of jobs because I have problems from the chemotherapy treatments and tend to get quite down because of the poor choices I always seem to make.  I feel as though I'm running into a wall here.....  Would I really be better off all alone than with this loser?  

Oh my, we're really doing a lot of typing here, aren't we???  LOL  Your suggestion of an "obnoxious" hobby made me laugh.  I used to paint and have decided that I need to pick up my brushes again.  Actually that is not dependant on anything my husband says or does.  He does not stop me from doing anything.  He is totally non-controlling.  He knows that I'm not a cheater, says I'm the most honest person he's ever known but it's not always said as a compliment.  He's tried to talk me into not reporting money that I'm paid in cash, laughed at me for being upset if I see something going on that's wrong and aside from that he doesn't say much of anything about what I do.  However, my time constraints need some work.  Seems I'm spending so much time job hunting lately that it's cutting into my work time.  Not good.  As I've said before, I'm self-employed and do several small jobs. One that I landed while going through chemotherapy, was my dream job.  I could work, on the computer, anytime day or night and I got paid fairly for the work.  But it was temporary and ended the middle of March.  I made enough that I could pay almost all my bills and the other jobs took up the slack.  As you can see, my husband is becoming secondary in my life.  I'm close to giving up on that situation changing.  I have many very good reasons why I can't leave him, my work is all from my home, it's was my home before I married him, and I have pets making renting impossible.  Besides, I've been told that the person that leaves the home usually doesn't get it back in court.  Not in Utah, anyway.  And when I asked him, or rather told him to leave, he said "NO!".  He has a destructive personality so it would mean nothing to him to destroy everything he could smash if I tried to lock him out.  No, I'm not really afraid of him but still.  

Actually, I'm living almost single.  He's only in the house to sleep on the loveseat, shower and occasionally to fix a meal.  Outside of that he's out in the "hut" he built for himself.  It's even got an electric heater, an air conditioner, built-in vacuum cleaner, a television and his foosball table.  And I'm paying all the bills, doing all the laundry, housework, dishes, etc!  I've told him more than once that all he needs is a bed and I'll move his clothes out there, too.  I'm married but single.......   Sounds like between the two of us we could write a book about poor choices in spouses, but your suggestion to "explore every option" is very good advise.  Just be sure to keep a candle lit for me so I can find my way around in the maze. 

sunshine80, thank you so much for your responses.  It helps to know that someone out there can understand what I'm going through.  I just don't think I can be alone now, with the cancer being a constant threat in my life.  Perhaps this is my punishment for making stupid mistakes in the past.  A lifetime sentence.  If I still had my son I might try to go it alone but that's not an option anymore. 

I will try the name David Oliver and see what I can find.  I must admit that when I'm generating enough money to pay the bills, I tend to stress so much less about everything.  LOL, I think that's pretty normal.   

Loading the "hut" on a trailer and hauling it away put such pleasant images in my mind...  Thank you, LOL. 

The David Oliver search turned up nothing...  Darn.  Still searching for a job I can do with my limitations.  Do you have anything else on this?  

Hubby is totally non-cooperative.  The last time I told him to leave he said, "No!".  He has a destructive streak and knows how to pick locks so that isn't much of an option.    

We had a short conversation today and I told him I wanted to find a way to earn enough to get off Medicaid.  He asked why and I told him that if I have to stay on it they will take everything when I pass away.  He said, "So what?"  He doesn't even care.  He once said that when I die he has a friend that will just shoot him and that will be that.  He has no care or concern about the future and no intention of working except for the little bit he makes to buy his gas and soda-pop and whatever.  He does occaionally bring home fast food for a meal and will even cook on occasion.  That and taking care of the yard.  His total contribution to the marriage.  His total contribution to life!  How sad.    

He already has a microwave, built-in vac, television, heater and air conditioner in his "hut".  The fridge won't fit!  LOL  At least I can still laugh about this ridiculous situation...  

I need something other than just the name David Oliver.  In the search mode I can find the D.O. photographer, blog writer, flautist, writer but not a thing on jobs or anything job related.   

As for the central-vac, it was being thrown away because it didn't work.  He brought it home and repaired it.  Same with lawnmowers, snowblowers, light fixtures, plumbing fixtures and the like.  He gets by on very little.  Rarely does he ever ask me for money because he knows I struggle to keep the bills paid.  I won't pay his bills and haven't for years.  He filed bankruptsy almost 7 years ago, got a few credit cards, ran them up to the limits and wouldn't make any payments.  The last dentist he went to to get a tooth pulled hasn't been paid and his teeth are falling apart.  I just do't know what it would take to get this man to act like a MAN!  He acts like a homeless bum but with a roof over his head and regular meals.  It doesn't make any sense at all to me.  And he claims he loves me???  Refuses to get out or do anything more than what he's doing!   

Sorry to trouble you with this, I guess I just have to vent a little.  You have been so kind to just put up with what I'm saying and to continue to respond.  I really appreciate it.  Thank you. 

As a cancer survivor who is sole support of the household (hubby refuses to work), I feel I am sort-of qualified to speak here. 

The cries for help are genuine and a dream is but a dream.  You obviously have never had something totally beyond your control happen, threaten your very life and make you realize how short your life could be cut.  Yes, it would be nice if everyone had some sort of emergency fund or rich uncle or whatever it takes to get them through a crisis but we're not all that fortunate. I live on a VERY small income but I've learned to live within my means on a monthly basis.  When cancer struck I was panicked but did a closing 6 days after surgery (I'm a real estate agent among other jobs).  Through chemotherapy and radiation treatments I learned when I'd feel better and when I wouldn't.  Someone with a regular job would not have the luxury of being able to set their own schedule and only work when they feel up to it.  Lots of people lose jobs in this situation. Along with heavy medical expenses and little income through the sometimes year or more of treatments, debt and bare survival become heavy burdens that most will never know.  Debt that they can't escape from without losing everything they've built up and even the roof over their heads

You have to understand one thing here, cancer treatments affect different people different ways.  Some can go through with very little problems, others are almost totally unable to function and it's a matter of how their individual bodies react to the treatments.  I was in the middle.  The gal that wrote the original post may be one of the less fortunate ones.  One of the side effects of treatments and the nature of this horrible disease is depression.  It sounds as though she may be a victim of that, also.

Yes, in a Utopia, I would have a real job at a resonable wage, medical insurance and be able to manage a few bumps in the road but we don't all have that luxury either.  Have any idea how much insurance costs the self employed?  Believe me, you don't want to live in that situation.  I played the odds and lost.  Cancer trumped me.  My "standard" cancer treatments have already cost almost $150,000.  A fortune to someone in my situation.  Now Medicaid rules my life.

As to the comment, "For the rare few that work really hard..."  you say you cheer helping but they don't need your help which lets you off the hook.  Yes, there IS help, of sorts,  for the truly homeless but is that where you want this gal?  I would like to see her get her head together and be able to do whatever it takes to get her life back on track.  Preaching, as a backward slap, is not going to help either.  The first thing I would recommend our gal do is sit down, write down all the bills and start calling creditors to explain the situation.  Some will work with her others will not.  Pare expenses to the bone.  Maybe, as a last resort, talk to a lawyer about filing bankruptsy.  Any horrible disease can devastate people financially, mentally, emotionally.  It's not something that can be budgeted into the monthly paycheck although some who have plenty think that's the way it should be.  Things will never be the same after a debilitating disease.  You get shoved over a bridge into another type of life and the bridge disintegrates behind you.  Pick up the scraps you brought with you and begin anew.

Call the agencies that are there to help, check with the hospital on debt reduction plans, call the American Cancer Society, talk to people that have been through the same thing and ask what help there is available then don't be afraid to put a plan together for survival.  Shift the focus to volunteering to help other people in the same situation.  That helps ones own attitude so very much.  Take full responsibility for your own life and get on with it. 

I do agree that we're not teaching the proper lessons but even with knowledge things like cancer, and a multitude of other life threatening things, happen.  Helping in that situation is so different than helping someone who simply makes wrong choices that are bound to happen again.  Spend a few hours in a chemotheray or radiation treatment center talking to the people and you'll find out that things are not always as they seem from your present perspective.