Messages By: jessilynn6

Hi everyone -

I have been living with herpes for about a year and a half, and have noticed it hasn't made a difference in my life, to be honest.

I was with the man I got it from for 3 1/2 years before I got it from him, and yes, I knew he had it.  He was honest with me, and I chose to accept the risk.   We broke up about 6 months after I got it, but for reasons that have NOTHING to do with herpes.  I personally feel kids and exes and jobs and finances and in laws, etc., are FAR more stressful to a relationship than herpes ever could be.

I have dated since breaking up with my ex bf, and have found dating just as hard as I did before, and herpes hasn't been an issue with anyone I have told.   I have been thanked for my honesty, and asked a few questions, but that's it.

I think people need to be VERY careful when making assumptions about STDs and when placing value statements on people who live with one (or more.)   Just some quick facts:

*One in 4 in the US have genital herpes type 2, and 30% of all new genital herpes cases are caused by someone with herpes type 1, which usually causes cold sores, performing oral sex on someone. 

*Up to 80% of the population has had or will have HPV, the virus that causes genital warts and abnormal cells on the cervix.   

*It is estimated that if you have had 3 or more sexual partners in your lifetime, you have been exposed to HPV.

I think people like to think that only "certain people" get STDs, and I think they like to think that because it makes them feel better about their chances of not getting one.  But we also know something about STDs - they are just germs doing their biological thing.  They don't stop and take a moral inventory before infection someone, and they don't care that you have always used condoms or been really choosy in who you have sex with.  They don't care if you are nice, or not, or popular or not, or smart and successful.  They just do their thing.

As has been stated, most std testing does NOT inlcude herpes testing unless you specifically ask for it.  Even if you ask to be tested for "everything," you might not end up being tested for herpes.

Testing for hpv is tricky for women, and there is no FDA approved test for men.

Some great sites to check out -

http://www.racoon.com/herpes/  be sure and check out the support forums

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/PickingUpThePieces/  a yahoo group

http://www.ashastd.org/  for info on herpes, hpv and other stds

http://www.westoverheights.com/freebook.html the Herpes Handbook - a great resource, written by Terri Warren, NP - one of the nation's leading herpes experts.

Take care,

Jess

There are three antivirals that are used to manage herpes.

One is valtrex, that you hear a ton about.  It is very effective, yet VERY expensive.

Another is acyclovir.  It is as effective as valtrex, but you have to take more of it (twice a day vs once a day).  Valtrex is a prodrug of acyclovir and will turn into acyclovir into your liver.   The choice between the two is really cost vs convenience, as acyclovir is FAR cheaper than valtrex.

The third is famvir and is effective, and VERY expensive.

All 3 do require prescriptions and you need to talk to your doc about them.  Keep in mind that, as with any medication, they all work differently for different people, and while valtrex might work for one person, it might not be as effective for someone else.

Jess

as is anything in life.

You might also be surprised how many people you know have it.  The 1 in 4 number is universal, not just in bigger cities. 

I think you are buying into the stigma, and doing yourself a HUGE disservice.  Its only dirty if you let it be dirty.

And don't forget that if you go to a support group, everyone there will have herpes too.  They can't share your stuff without sharing their own, ya know? 

Jess

I am 38, and single.  Dating is HARD, with or without an STD.

I think we have to remember that herpes isn't, by far, the biggest thing to mar a potential relationship.

By the time we reach our 30s, we all have some sort of "baggage."  I have found that exes, kids, finances, addictions, in laws, jobs, etc., are all far more taxing to a relationship than herpes or hpv ever could be.

It also helps to remember that while you are sitting there sweating about herpes or hpv, your date is also sweating about you finding out about something.

It might be debt, intense sibling rivalry, a bad job (or no job at all), or a lack of ability to save money.  They might be worrying about your reaction to a beer gut, baby flab, scars, acne, a hairy back, stinky feet, or flatuence issues.  They might have a criminal record, might have problems with being a mama's boy, or worse, might still LIVE with mama.   They might be worried about how to tell you about how many (or few) sexual partners they've had.

Or they might be sitting there sweating and worrying about how to tell you they have *gasp* HERPES (or hpv).  That actually happened to me.

While you think herpes or hpv is the worst thing ever, others don't.  And most people, by the time they are in their 30s or 40s or 50s, know someone with herpes or hpv , have dated someone with herpes (that's happened to me also) or hpv, or have herpes or hpv, and just know its not a huge deal.

Don't let yourself fall into the stigma trap.  You are worth more than that.

Jess

Canker sores are not herpes.  They are very different things. 

Cold sores are typically on or around the lips or just inside them.  Canker sores can appear anywhere in the mouth.

You are correct that many people don't know that if you have hsv1 you can give someone genital hsv1 by performing oral sex.

This is just more proof that we need a show on herpes.

I'm glad you liked the post, and it really is true.

First, I would suggest some counseling - its helped me get over and/or through some really tough men crap in my life.  I strongly advocate getting yourself together before taking on someone's stuff, ya know?

Then you'll be strong enough if someone decides little old herpes is too much to handle.  And really - if they do, thank them.  How would they handle something really big, like monthly bills, in laws, etc?  Or worse, cancer? 

Jess

"My peeves are those who sleep with others without talking about thier status beforehand and those who laugh, make fun, of etc of those with herpes with out the knowledge or education to even know what hsv is.   and those who think they don't need tested because they are sure they don't have something."

Copper - good to see you again and I couldn't agree more.  I also work in a clinic, and I hear so many people come in with something and they are so mad and are using horrible names to describe the person they got something from.  I just say "Well, tell me about your conversation about stds and testing you had before you had sex."  Most often, there wasn't one. 

Unless someone is forcing you to have sex, you do have the option to ask about testing, std history, etc..

And the reason we are all dealing with the stigma is because we are BUYING INTO IT.  We are choosing to do that - no one is forcing us.  Once we realize its just a skin condition and not a moral statement, we will be contributing to a reduction in the stigma.

Jess

I firmly believe that in order for a partner to accept that you have herpes, you must also accept it.   How can you expect your partner to accept something that you are still struggling with? 

I have told several potential partners that I have herpes, and no one has had any issues with it.  If they did, that's ok.  That's their choice.  That just means he's not the guy for me, and I am free to move on and find someone who is. 

When to tell is your decision, as is when to have sex.  If you aren't ready to have sex, and a guy keeps pushing you, why do you want to be with that man?  He isn't respecting your feelings.   On the other hand, if you are ready to have sex, why not just tell the person?  Its not nearly as big a deal as you are making it seem. 

If you are having sex with a non-infected man, he has only a 4% chance to get herpes from you if all you do is avoid sex during an ob.  Oh - and that's over the course of a year - not per sexual encounter.  If you take daily suppressive meds, that chance drops down to 2%. 

Flip that around, and he has a 96 or 98% chance of NOT getting it over the course of a year. 

Oh - and condoms?  Those are a must in any new relationship, and that will drop it down to 1%.  And if you aren't talking about your herpes with these men, are you asking them about THEIR std history?  Are you asking for copies of their most recent tests?  Just because you have herpes, don't forget that there are other stds out there that you need to know if your partner has.

Like Ms. TJ, I am a certified HIV educator, and I also test for HIV.  I work in an STD clinic, and do STD education and testing all the time.  You have got to arm yourself with info, and then this won't seem like such a whopper of a big deal.

PLEASE read the herpes handbook at www.westoverheights.com for the best,  most up to date info on herpes.

Jess

Unfortunately, you just have to do this.  If you let it go untreated, he can have all kinds of problems, including prostatitis and others. 

If you were apart from your current bf, had you all talked about being with others?

In any case, he might be able to forgive you for the other man, but he probably would stay mad for a long long time if he has severe problems from an untreated std.

Good luck,

Jess

Well, I don't know what he might have gotten from his ex, but HPV can remain dormant for YEARS, so if either of you had partners before meeting, then either one of you could have had it.

HPV is very common, and its estimated that 80% of the population has had it or has it.

The same thing happened to my sister - been with the same man for years, and when she was pregnant, she had an abnormal pap.  After she delivered, her pap was fine.  Then she got pregnant again, and again, abnormal pap.  She delivered - normal pap.

Being smart and educated for most people doesn't include stds.  Its estimated that 70% of women haven't even heard of HPV.  And there is no test for men, so there is no way he could have even gotten tested. 

I understand fear when you don't know about something, but I am not sure why you are so angry.  It seems you didn't know either.

Jess