Messages By: sedusa88

Hi!  I just found out about my niece that is dating a child sex offender.  We had no idea about him before attending an overnight family New Year's Eve party. There were a total of 8 children under the age of 13, the youngest was 3, and none of us, but my niece and her parents knew about him.  She had finally told her parents just before Christmas and he was still allowed to come to our family parties.  What is wrong with people?  I was more upset after I was told and had time to think about it.  How can a person encourage someone like my niece to leave the guy and pursue other interests?  She is 27 years old and has been married once before.  The guy she married ended up being a loser too!  He was skitsophrenic and had gone off the deep end. 

I believe people can change, but why give them a chance to hurt my own kids or  my other little nieces or nephews?  I would forever be looking over my shoulder to make sure he wasn't going to do it to them.  I would hate to live this way the rest of my life.

I guess I am asking what can I do or say to help her realize this is wrong and she wouldn't be happy living this way either?  Any suggestions?

Are there bad people in prison.......definitely!  However, sometimes good people end up in places they never imagined they would go. I met and fell in love with a man 19 years ago that is sitting in a prison cell for life. He comes from a good family, and has never been in trouble before. Does that make committing a crime acceptable,.....not at all.  A man with a loving family, someone's son, uncle, brother, father, was killed. In the blink of an eye, a life was lost, and as a result of that, another life is accountable. I didn't plan on falling in love with a man that would spend his human existence in a prison cell. As a matter of fact, it sounds so trivial even mentioning it, when you think about a mans life being taken.  I thought, in my heart that I was strong enough to endure the circumstances, and committed myself to making this relationship work. I had no clue the "hugeness" of what it was I was up against. When I fell short of my expectations, I considered myself weak. I discovered, through my experience over the last 19 years, that it is IMPOSSIBLE to have a healthy relationship with a person that is incarcerated. Relationships need to be paid attention to. Growing together. The one thing I would have done different, If I could go back 19 years, is paid more attention to what MY needs were. I still, to this day, have not made room in my heart, for any one else. My choices over the years were based on what "he" would think, or how "he" would feel. As a result of that, I gave up many opportunities. No regrets. I learned a lot about myself over the years, and have what was, and is MY experience. I hope, from what I learned, that no other woman will ever treat herself with the dis-respect that I treated myself with. Also, unlike Sara, I would NEVER allow this to happen a second time, never mind a third. Another thing, I don't know for sure, but, I would like to think, that if I had children, no man, inside or out,...... would EVER interfere with the well being of my children!  My wish for Sara is that one day she will see her worth and esteem, so that her beautiful children will not pay the price for her settling for less. You deserve better Sara!!!

DARLENE.......

P.S. I hope my appearance on the Dr Phil show will help others to see that this is about   "Loving Yourself" enough, to do what is in your best interest.

Hi Sarah;

I'm in the 20 year club myself.  I know exactly what you are talking about.  There are good men in prison, but they put up a hell of a wall to the free world and try and stay tough.  I've seen men like your husband and mine with kids and it is really amazing.  I've seen hardened criminals sit on the ground and play blocks with little ones, riding the see-saw, etc... (when the guards allowed it) and they are putty in the kids hands.  You sound like you have your head on pretty straight and as long as you keep your eyes open and it's working for you, don't let anyone put you down for it.  YOU are the one that has to keep you happy.  I remember the high I felt after a good visit and the anticipation for the next visit...roller coaster ride, definitely.  I saw a movie once where a grandma described living life either on a carousel or roller coaster taking chances...she preferred the roller coaster!  I've come to the conclusion that all the good men are either gay, married (or both), or in prison.  A lot of them are in there for stupid decisions and non-violent crimes.  Tell your husband to keep his head up and that he is a lucky man to have a woman like you supporting him.  Good luck.

Mary

In my 20's I was drawn to losers like a moth to a flame.  They were all looking for a "good woman" to help them "change their ways" Yeah right.  I was cheated on, slapped around, lost hundreds of dollars paying their bills.  I wised up and kicked my last and final loser to the curb. The difference between me and these women is that I NEVER drug an innocent child into my stupidity.  I finally married a wonderful man and we have a one year old daughter.  He is a wonderful role model for the baby, he works hard and he loves and respects me. 

What right to I have to judge these women you may ask.  I am a mother and it pisses me off to see women that are so cavalier with their children's futures.  The first relationship with a man a little girl has is the relationship with her father, and it should be a wonderful loving healthy relationship.  She should grow up demanding that the men she date treat her as well as her daddy does.

I am the most laid back person in the world, if your gay that's fine with me, if your muslim I don't automatically assume you're a crazed terroist.  However women that don't stick up for their children make my blood boil.  And yes I am including the woman that takes her daughters to prison to visit a murderer in my statements.

Sarah,

I noticed there was footage of you shown from a show or movie called "Battlefield America"- could you please explain what this is about, or when it's out?

Sarah,

Any person that would hurt another human being can not be safe. You say your husband would HURT anyone who hurt children. Law abiding citizens don't HURT anyone. This doesn't say much about his character, and it is something I would pay attention to. Also, there seems, from my observation, to be a lot of anger associated with the opinions of those involved in this message board, regarding your situation. If in fact you are truly secure with the situation you are in, I don't see any reason for the defense. If I am happy with the choices I am making in my life, it doesn't matter to me what others think. On the other hand, if I make a choice I am feeling unsure of, I get defensive when others comment on it!  Everything that you are hearing now, I heard 20 years ago. I felt unsupported and extremely defensive! 

Time Will Tell,

Darlene

My ex-husband was a convict in the federal prison system. He was in prison when we became penpals, after 2 years of corresponding I moved 2000 miles to be near him. After a year of visiting him at the prison, he was released on parole and we were married that day. Every TV special and talk show I have watched on this subject concentrate on the relationship and what it did to the woman. Ladies I would like to enlighten you on the inmates side of the story.

On Dr. Phil today they brought up the fact that Willy is religious and that was important to her. The religion thing comes off great for the inmates because to the outsider it makes him look like he has a soul and may be repentent for what he did and is willing to change. This also makes him look good to the parole board. For the inmate who do not get visitors, his belief in religion gives him the chance to sign up for visits from prison ministries volunteers. Also when you are put in prison you have to find a "group" to belong to, for protection. Groups like Native Americans, Hispanics, African-Americans, Skin-heads, Bible thumpers and so on.

The inmates in the visiting room are well behaved because they are being watched very carefully by the guards and they know it. One wrong move or raised voice and they lose their visiting room previledges or worse. Put the same inmate out on the street and he is a completely different person.

The thing that impressed me about my ex was his intelligence, and he seemed to be so well read on a variety of topics. I discovered that he seemed well read because even the most illerate inmate will get book after book out of the prison library just break up the boredom of their lives. If they want to impress a penpal, just find out her interests and go bone up on the subject. Suddenly you are birds of a feather.

These men have hours upon hours to learn how to be a better criminals, and to con the well meaning women who write to them.

If you really want to know what the inmate is like, meet his family, meet his friends who are still on the outside. Watch and learn. If I had met my ex's family before I married him, I would went running for the hills.

I completely agree that any woman who WANTS to hook up with a man in prison has little or no self respect.  And women who aspire to be with convicted criminals are called GROUPIES.

And people out there like me, who were married for years to men who were good providers, who had built homes, families and lives with our men, to have their men make a bad choice and get ripped out of our lives - we can't stand women like Sarah.  She is a pen-pal.  They profess to love and miss someone who've they've never shared a day with, let alone a bed.

My life isn't glamourous or cute, or cool, it is horribly dysfunctional now.  But I made vows - for better or worse, and this is the "worse".  My husband will be home shortly, and he's been away for 3 years.  He isn't a drugged out loser, he made a stupid choice, and he paid his debt to society.

I never saught this life out - it was never even in my realm of conciousness.  I am ashamed to be an inmates wife, and women like Sarah make it even harder.

I hate to read the sweeping generalizations of inmates, and how they really feel about visitors.  Let me set the record straight on that.  It is a GROSS OVERSTATEMENT to say that 90% or more are just "using" thier visitors.  There are very many mothers, sisters, fathers, grown children, aunties, pastors, and friends who visit inmates.  The inmates are happy that there is someone out there who cares enough to visit.  Not all inmates are out to use people.  Many are, but not all of them.  The ones that do use people, don't usually have people on the outside who care about them - and that IS FOR A REASON!  They are users and abusers on the streets too.

I love my husband, and I hate that he is in prison.  Can I get a little credit, for keeping my vows?  

And before you get all high and mighty about the "crime" aspect, please don't forget that you never know what could happen.  Your perfectly law abiding husbands could be driving home, completely sober, and they could accidentally hit a child riding a bike.  Now you have vehicular manslaughter, and with a child victim, a jury is sure to convict.  It could be you - would you stay?