Messages By: mayzeegrl

This story about the abusive mother, Michelle, really broke my heart.  Michelle reminded me so much of my mother when I was the youngest girl's age.  My mother too called me a "drama queen".  The youngest daughter seems to get the worse of the abuse because she is the weakest target of all for the mother to bully and abuse, as was my case.  The oldest child is becoming damaged too and seems to be in "survival mode", and cut off from her emotions.  I'm glad Dr. Phil is bringing these topics to light.  Emotional, mental and verbal abuse causes such deep scars, you just can't see them because they are inside the soul.  It was brave for Michelle to come foward, but in my opinion, those girls need to be removed immediately.  I feel that they are already scarred and will need extensive therapy.  I empathize that Michelle was also abused, but this not allow her or give her a license to torture these poor children with her rage.  Dr. Phil is right, Michelle is addicted to the adrenaline rush of being in a constant state of rage.  Our children are precious.  I just hope that the right people intervene to save these poor girls.  Abuse is abuse.  And what Michelle is doing is clear abuse.  These girls will grow up developing maladaptive coping skills and a life full of self-destruction if the right steps aren't taken.  I hope these girls can be saved the way I wished I had been "saved" many years ago.   

I have bipolar disorder. My symptoms began when I was nine years old and  I had major depressions.  Back in the 70's they didn't have the kinds of meds or knowledge that they have now.  My sister could have easily gotten bipolar disorder, but I was the fortunate one who did.  I fought depressions and suicide attempts and was put on medication that didn't seem to work.  I had worked since I was 15 years old taking care of mentally challenged, being a CNA  taking care of the elderly and Then became LPN taking care of the elderly... During all that time I had to fight the depression and hospitalizations.  I had also attened a community college and graduated with honors and earned an associate's degree and then went on and got my nursing license.  It has been a tough road and I used to beat myself up because I couldn't be like  "other people".  It's difficult to try to explain to someone, who doesn't understand, as to why you are so sad and depressed.  I've felt hollow and empty alot of my life.  It's been difficult but I had a purpose in this life and that was to take care of people less "fortunate" than myself.  I had difficulty with relationships with men, because they would say that I acted like I had different personalities.  It was true that I would have mood swings but I didn't understand it.  It was very confusing to me.  Some periods in my life I would do fine, be motivated to do things, become creative, and having fun.... but, the dark times were the worst where all I could do was lay in bed and cry and force myself to go to work.  I tried to hide my illness, but people all knew there was something "wrong" with me.  I felt hopeless because all the medication I took didn't work, and I would abruptly stop taking them out of frustration and being unable to afford them, and then I would crash and be hospitalized for a suicide attempt...  I had also tried to self-medicate with alcohol but all that did was make me even more depressed as alcohol is a depressant, that's when I would try to end my life.  Ex-boyfriends called me psycho and I lost alot of friends as I had worn them out with all of my problems and worries.  I felt like giving up many times, but did not.  I had still continued to work by taking care of people and that kept me going but my father also kept me going as we shared a place together and he said that I was the reason for him to live.......  makes it kind of hard to go and kill yourself when someone is depending on you for a reason to live.  Finally it got to a point when my father said that if I was going to kill myself, to just rent a hotel room and do it there, because he was sick of worrying about coming home and finding me dead.  I know he didn't mean it, but I was burning him out along with other family members.  I felt hopeless...... It's terrible to be depressed all the time and my mind telling me I'm "no good" and "kill yourself"  I had gone to therapy and took the meds. that did not work.  It was such a struggle to endure waking up every day and thinking "Oh my God, I have another day to get through, why did I have to wake up"???   

Then, when I had turned 30 yrs. old, I had increased one of my meds. on my own, because I thought I knew what was best.  Because of increasing a certain antidepressant I ended up going into full blown mania and psychosis, along with delusions and hallucinations.  I actually had believed that I was the next Mother Mary who came back to earth to give birth to the next Christ Child so he could save the world. I really believed this.  I also believed that I was the chosen one and that all my sufferring was worth it if it meant I could save the world.  I was hospitalized and finally diagnosed with the "right illness"-----bipolar disorder.  I was put on mood stabilizers and antipsychotic which took me out of "it"....  I had a great treatment team and a wonderful doctor whom I'm forever greatful for.  Things did get better and I tried to return back to work as a nurse, but the stress of it made me get sicker and sicker.  I've spent numerous times in the hospital for "psychosis and mania", but fortunatley I've been regulated for over a year now.  It is scarey to be mentally ill.  I also saw angels and things that "weren't there", but I know they were there, but people don't believe me cuz I'm mentally ill.  I too also thought my husband was the devil and tried to exercise him...  I could go on more and more about my story.  Bottom line, I am on disability.  I do not feel ashamed that I can no longer work, but I have to put myself first and take care of myself.  I also feel that I've contributed to society by taking care of the "less fortunate" for 15 yrs. while having a mental illness.  I'm more gentle with myself now and I take good care of myself.  I know my warning signs and I work very hard in therapy.  The meds. seem to work, but because I have Bipolar Type 1, the antidepressants can all of a sudden stop working for some reason and then I need to go through more trials and errors.  I have a wonderful husband and three cats and a bird that I love very much.  I have a life and I am a worthy person despite having a mental illness.  My life does matter. I have good days and I have bad days.  Main thing is to take care of myself.  I don't care what people say about me for having this kind of illness because it is out of pure ignorance and fear.  The biggest challenge of all was to get my family to understand because they could be the most judgemental people, but I feel the reason I am here is to help people to become more informed.  My family are very loving and supportive now.  It can be very difficult having a family member being afflicted with a mental illness, but they are not ashamed of me and they finally understand why I acted the ways I did years ago.  I couldn't help it.  Bottom line is, people who judge or make fun of people with mental illness---think about it, you could have been randomly selected as I was to get this mental illness, and it could happen to one of your own family members or child like it happened to my mother's child.   

Thank God for more awareness out there.  I'm greatful they have made advancements in the field of psychiatry.  There is hope.  I hope Dr. Phil has more shows on about mental illness because the public needs to be informed.  Afterall, we are people too......................... 

I feel for each and everyone of you have bipolar disorder or a loved one who has it.  If I can be of any help to anyone by sharing my experience I'd be willing.  Just a background on me, I've had bipolar since I was nine years old (at least that's when the symptoms started with major depression).  I've heard that there is a bipolar gene that scientists have located. So, I believe that I was born having bipolar disorder.  As a child, I had raging mood swings.  I didn't know how to control my moods.  I only went to therapy when I was nine back in 1979 because they didn't have the diagnostic tools they have now or the right medication.  I spent many years sufferring up until my 20's when I was finally put on antidepressants because I had had such severe depression and suicide attempts, but the medication did not seem to work and I kept getting depressed.  I also didn't want to be labelled as "weak" or different from everyone else because I couldn't toughen it out on my own.   

I also self-medicated with alcohol which I feel that alot of people with mental illness do so that they can either bring themselves back down from a manic episode.  But, because I only reported the depressing times and not the times I was doing well, I wasn't accurately diagnosed until I was 30 yrs. old as having bipolar disorder when I had gone into a full-blown manic episode with psychosis, delusions and hallucinations. 

Now, I am on the "right" kind of medication.  I don't drink or do drugs, I go to therapy every week.  If I'm doing really bad, I go into a day program and "work"on myself.  I have surrendered and realized this isn't something I can control on my own, and it's not my fault I have mental illness and it doesn't make me "less" than other people.  I wouldn't wish this illness on my worst enemy.  I'm fairly stable now, although I had to go on disability.  I did gain 50# because of the medication, but I made a decision, I'd rather be "fat" and mentally well, instead of skinny and "mentally ill".  There is hope out there for people who have this illness.  It may take some trial and errors with the medication and it may have to be fine tuned, but think of it as having an illness like diabetes and your insulin needs to be regulated from time to time.   

I've also learned alot of coping skills and have plans in place, such as family members being aware of signs that I might be getting ill again, and they can decide to have me put in the hospital.  I am not my illness.  I have a wonderful husband, who was also diagnosed bipolar, so I know the other end of it too.  I guess I just want to say that If I have survived 35 years, then there is hope. This is coming form a woman who has attempted suicide more than I can count and one who was so pessimistic and depressed.  Life can be good.  There are resources out there and help.  It's a battle we all must endure, but never ever give up hope................ Best Wishes...........  

I think it's great that your husband has your dog to help him out with reality.  I never would have thought of something like that, like seeing if your pet reacts to something. That's a great plan.  I myself have three cats and a bird.  I love them more than anything and it gives me a reason to get up each day to feed them and care for them.  They also entertain me very much by the cute things they do such as playing with one another.  I do feel unconditional love from them and it seems that they can sense when I'm "out of sorts", (depressed) and they come and give me more attention.  They don't care if I'm mentally ill.  They are my friends and my family... Thanks for your post.  Hope your husband continues to do well........... 

My sister and her husband did not have "sexual relations" very often, but one day, a day after her menstruation was finished, they did.  A month later she was pregnant with my nephew.  So, I guess no method is 100%..... and, anything is possible despite scientific proof...............