Quote From: guiltridnThe crying has lessened, at least for now. But I was the same way. It seemed some days that's all I did was cry. I worked long hours because that was the only time I didn't think about my problems. School is occupying most of my thoughts right now. It isn't easy learning how to study again. But it sure feels good to know I can do it! And my h thinks this is easy for me because I stopped letting him see me cry. He actually said I seem to be having fun with all this! I'm scared silly and he thinks I'm having fun!
There's been so much over the years, especially since I put a stop to sex. I'd never done that before. After that he kept alternating between being nice and being nasty. I asked why he was being nasty and he said because being nice wasn't working. The last 2 years were worse than the 30 before it put together. I broke the pattern. He was used to me asking forgiveness for getting upset at his bad behavior. Then he'd tear me up and down for awhile, then decide to make up.
But now for the last 2 months, he's been only nice. Sometimes I think I'm afraid he has changed. It almost scares me when he's being nice. I actually think maybe the outburts will never happen again. I was able to stop him from talking down to me in front of his parents some years back. I think he finally realizes I'm serious about this. The trouble is, I don't know if I could ever feel close to him and want to have sex with him again. Maybe I could forgive him, but how would I ever forget the things he said. Does anyone ever recover from abuse? Can a person fall back in love with someone who was so mean? He said I should have nipped this in the bud a long time ago. I said if I had, this same thing would have happened, just a lot sooner.
Every day part of me wants to go back. I miss my house, my garden, my old life. But something always stops me. We're supposed to be in counceling, but it was thru work and he quit, again(he does that a lot). He didn't like the counceling because he was worried what she thought of him. It wasn't doing much good anyway, because she didn't seem concerned about the last 30 years. She just kept asking" but how did he treat you the last 2 weeks?"
He's been only nice.........for 2 months........well, .......don't you fret..........he hasn't change.
These men can go for long periods of time just being nice........part of the cycle of abuse.......have you familiarized yourself with those tactics and details? I can offer web sites to educated you on the dynamics of abuse.........the way the cycle plays itself out, etc.
Do you need to read that material? Have you already?
2 months is not a true test of time..................and remember you are only seeing what he wants you to see when you have to interact with him.........remember manipulation , remember the tactics. Remember the things that he said and did........what help has he gotten to learn another way of being in the world?
Most experts in the field of domestic abuse, violence, make note that if he were to be one of the rare, very rare men that are willing to really change............then the observation time.......at the least......is at least a full year. A FULL YEAR , at the least!!!!!!
I have empathy for you .......that you miss your house, your garden.......a life that you wish were really true.......a life that you never really had did you? Wasn't the abuse there thru-out the years?
Do ya think that being nice ........isn't part of why you consider going back.....believing that you could handle him.......with your boundaries........do you really think this man has taken the time to go inside and do all his "own homework"?
You know your abuser, better than I do.......however........the facts, studies, statistics, and experts do know something.
As far as the counselor that you used in the past.......well, she was just trying to get a feel for his behavior........in the present time. ..... its interesting to me that even though she gave him that benefit of the doubt.......he still wouldn't open up and work in the session......more concerned about what she thought of him. Not concerned with getting things on track with you or especially with himself.
So much of what you're feeling is normal after being in a relationship of abuse......the longing, the wishing......the hoping.......the bits and pieces of normal that can seem huge........because we want it so bad......the fear......the uncertainty........the feeling of being alone.....the longing for a pair of arms around us.......a safe place to fall.
At least one year!
At least 1 year!
I do hope that you are getting support from a support group that can help explain the stages you will pass thru.......the journey gets easier with support.
Take care.
