Messages By: brandi24

I am 24 and lost my father 2 weeks after my 21st b-day. We were fighting when he passed away and  I didnt get the chance to tell him that I loved him or goodbye.  It was unexpected...he died from a cocaine induced heart attack at the age of 48. He had always denied any use of drugs.  The thing that is the hardest for me is that I still for some reason  blame myself.  I know I had nothing to do with it at all but we were just starting to become close.  We had just reached that point when I could actually open up to him and talk to him about things.  I still to this day think about him everyday and I wish I could get over the fact that he is passed and move on, but I cant. I miss him so much and I've been seeing a councelor but I dont think its working..she doesnt understand, she hasnt lost one of her parents and I feel like I would get more help if I just talked with people who understand me and my emotions and what I am going through.  Any advice would be greatly appreciated. 

Since 2002 (when I was 21) life has gone down hill.  Isnt that supposed to be the best time of your life?  It was the worst for me. On Valentines Day of 2002 my father  passed away.  My father and I had been fighting when he died so of course I have alot of guilt.  My brother and sister did not want the responsibility of controling his estate, so of course I had to be the one to do it and it was not fun at all. That had to be the most stressful period in my life.  

 Also that year I was diagnosed with crohns disease. No one in my family understands the pain that I go through almost daily with the disease. I have been in the hospital 2 times since Aug 04 and my weight has been up and down.  Right now I am not happy with myself.  We were told that it was hereditary but we cant find anyone in our family who has had it.???? 

I am recently married although right now I am separated.  I have a waitressing job and business is slow so I am not making money, therefore  I have to stay with my mother. 

I have been through alot at such a young age.  I know that I am smart, beautiful ,and I always try to look at the positive.  I know everything happens for a reason although we may not understand why it happened at that particular time eventually we will get it.  I am thankful I have a home a job and a car.  But it is still hard trying to cope with everything that has happened and my daily stresses. 

Any suggestions on how to deal with the stress? 

 I met this amazing man in April and in May decided to get married.  A week before we were to marry, I found out I was pregnant.  I have crohns disease which has caused my tubes to have alot of scarring on them and they thought I could never get pregnant but I was told to call my Dr. immediatly if i ever did have a + home pregnancy test..  I went in that day for blood work and everything was good, she told me to come back in 3 days to make sure my levels were going up.  On Sun. May 15 I started to bleed. I was aware that 25% of all pregnancies spot, so I wasnt too worried.  I ended up going to the Dr. again and found out that my levels had dropped to 20.  I was devistated.  The only thing  I want out of life is to be a mother.  Everytime I would go to the bathroom ( and I am sorry if this offends anyone) and I would see the blood all I could think was that that was my baby.  I cried for weeks. I was depressed, I couldnt eat, I couldnt sleep, I couldnt work, I could not do anything  I didnt  even want to get out of bed.  It was rough, and although no one in my family has ever gone through this they were there for me to help me.  I still think about it sometimes but  I know that I have an angel in heaven and when I die I will meet him/her.