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Messages By: nikki_pvn
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February 23, 2006, 2:05 pm PST
 Quote From: kamogelo The step-sister issue is very confusing to my 12 years old son, he found out about her existence three weeks ago. After being an only child for ten years, his sister arrived was a big adjustment to him and now he is expected to accept another sister. He has even requested to go and stay with my mother. He does not understand how his father can have another child with another women, he also question his father’s love for us. He even asked me why I stayed with his father as he has another women and child. Why didn’t I look for another father for him? He is 12 yrs and I taught him that when two people love each other they make love and have children.
How do I now explain that his father happen to love two women? How do you explain this kind of relationship to 12yrs old? I love my son and I hate the fact that he is now confused and hurt, he even told me and his dad that he will never ever love this child since it is not his mother’s. I did try to explain that his father is to be blamed not the child, but he does not want any relationship with her, I think it is still early days, and I think forcing him to meet her will alienate him further. My only consolation is that my 21months old daughter will never have problems accepting this child since she is still so young, I think she should be the first one to have relationship with her step-sister, and want until my son is ready. I had accepted this child before and I was willing to be there for her, until her mother started harassing me, I just started to hate this innocent child because of her mother’s behaviour.
I know how mad she can get by the way the reason why her daughter was never able to visit was because she told my husband that she does not want me near her child, that is when I decided I really also do not want this child in my life either. The hardest part is dealing with this and trying to make my son understand. I am also confused my husband promised we will go for counselling but he is not making arrangement, I think he expect me to be the one initiating this programme.
And I feel that if I need to initiate counselling then it means he is not serious about us as he claims to be. The other alternative is for me and my children to move out and start afresh, then I really need not deal with this mess.
Children are alot more resillient than we often think. Children in most cases should be told the truth. You tell your son just enough so that he does know what is going on, simplify the details and do not allow your anger to take over. Even if your son was never told of anything previously, I'm sure that you realise he can and does see things that are taking place in your home between your husband and yourself, and not having anything explained properly to him can cause him to be stressed and confused. He obviously can see that this situation has made you an unhappy person and it is natural for a child of his age to think that his half sister is to blame.
You say that you had " accepted this child before and were willing to be there for her until her mother started to harass you? BUT in your first post you say, " one of the conditions for us getting together was that he should cut all contact with this woman and that I do not want this child in my life".
In honesty, I believe that what you said about not wanting the child in your life was what you really thought, and it is understandable that you are angry, but you really should have given this situation alot more thought before you made any decisions, and as for the other woman, her knowing how much yu are against her daughter and your husband seeing each other is going to make her determined that you do not destroy their relationship.
Someone has to take the first step, and if you really wish to make your marriage work, why should it not be you? You all cannot just live a life with mistrust and hostility, and for the sake of all the kids you all have to come to some reasonable solution. These kids are already being used as 'dispute settlers', and that will not have good results.
Make the appointment to see the counselor and tell yur husband the time and date, if he is serious he will go. As I said previously, you forgave him and he chose to be with you, and for the happiness of all the children involved do not allow things to continue in the way they are now, get the help that you all need to overcome and settle this matter. |
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