Messages By: nikki_pvn

Today is the 2nd of Nov, and I'm still not smoking!,  I should feel happy but I just don't.  One part of me feels proud and determined, ( every hour, every day is a great achievment for me), then theres this other part of me (  didn't know it existed until now), that is moody, vulgar, and snaps at anything that breathes, ( I'm lucky that I have a very understanding husband).  The conflict between the 'two' is wearing me out,  I am not going to give in!! 

Sorry for venting like this, but I would like to know if others are having unusual withdraw.sympt? 

Thanks for your support! 

Gina, a big hello to you, and I too, still have two cig. sitting on the fridge. 

Good luck to all others  who are also trying to give up! 

I know how you feel.  My post could have been similar to yours a year ago. 

I had never had weight problems, I could eat anything, my stressful career , grateful metabolism, family  responsibilities allowed me to eat myself silly and not one gram would cling to my hips, I have an insatiable love of chocolates, (actually most sweets) and that did not pose a problem either. 

About a year ago I was lucky enough (or so I thought ) to be able to work from home. I swapped my prof.suits, stilletos and makeup for jeans, t-shirt and slippers. I was really happy......... 

I have always cooked our meals and I bake alot too ( I believe in 'healthy eating'). I had started without realising, to eat alot more, even while cleaning the house I would 'snack' on something savoury, then I naturally had to have something sweet, and then I had to have 'breakfast', never at the table but picking from the fridge and pantry. While cooking I would have to taste everything so many times that I would have eaten 2 meals before it was even ready. 

I started to wear pants with the elastic waist thing and bigger t-shirts, I still didn't realise how much weight I had put on, because to me I looked 'slim' in my big clothes. Usually on a Sunday I bake cakes and other deserts for my family to have during the week, they would have a normal piece, and while they would be out of the house, (work,school), I would eat the remaining cake, sweets etc, I would then quickly have to bake the same things before they got home, (not because anyone would critisise me, (they wouldn't have believed it anyway) but I was so ashamed at what a eating monster I had become). 

I ate mostly while I was alone ( great deal of the day) I would literally feel sick and bloated from the food but I knew it would all settle down and I would start all over again. I lived and thought only of food! 

One weekend we had to attend a family function, and I saw for the first time that I could not wear any of my clothes, my few months of working, eating and 'happy hibernating' in the home had given me a 'new fat body'.  I cried and carried on, and in the end I wore my old maternity dress, yeah everyone there said I looked great but who is actually going to say,  '"gees your fat and you look like crap"!............  My self esteem spiraled and any positive thought s that I had about myself went out the door. 

I have an absolutely wonderful husband,  he said that he only wanted me happy, and loved me no matter what and that he loved me inside and out. But how could he love me when I didn't even look like the person that he had married, all these thoughts caused me to withdraw and hate myself even more, but I just could not get out of the viscious love-hate cycle with food.  

My once great and regular sex life......(I am sorry, I am not trying to be crude), was almost non-existant.  In the rare occassion that it did happen, the 'preparation' for it killed even the slightest mood,  no lights, my husband was not allowed to touch my body anywhere,  I would have eaten so much throughout the day and night that I couldn't move anyway and would be so stressed out from making sure he does not see me.  All this sounds perhaps extreme but when you are going through a difficult period in your life, rational and normal thinking is usually not present. 

I would promise myself  every Monday that I would start a diet and excersise, my family would support and encourage me, I couldn't tell them that I didn't know 'which Monday',  because I felt so bad and miserable I continued to eat the most when alone, and I was angry at the whole world because I felt such a liar and failure. 

I then wanted to go to the gym, and when I saw how the groups mainly consisted of 'slim' women, I knew that no way in hell was I going to bare my rolls to them, I was too ashamed. How stupid I was. 

I withdrew from my friends and felt that I could not talk to anyone about this problem, so I ate more and both my mental and physical healthwas fragile. 

I knew that I couldn't live this way any longer, I did not consult a doctor because I thought my diagnosis is clear, I put mounds of food in my mouth, I've turned into a fat person and i had to try and stop. 

I bought a few pilates, yoga, etc tapes and each morning I tried a few excersises from each tape, it was very difficult for me in the beggining as I had little energy and a lazy body, but I persisted and I gradually was able to suprise even myself. I started to eat mainly vegetable soups and snack on light things ( no fatty foods whatsoever), for the first 3 days I thought that I could not survive the temptation for food was enormous, I had headaches and all sorts of pains but with each day that I 'survived' I just did not want to give up. Within the first 2 weeks I felt  great, full of energy and that alone gave me the greatest motivation to continue. 

I realised that it was not just about 'doing excersises and dieting' you have to really put your mind to it and do it whole heartedly, I gained willpower by firstly focusing on my feelings, I did not want to be miserable and frustrated any longer, I did not want to use the excuse that food was a void filler or problem solver, I had had enough of lying to myself. 

I took things one day at a time, I stuck to eating smaller portions of food and excersising everyday (even if it was sometimes for 15 min), and with each day I saw the changes in my mood and ofcourse body, these positive changes gave me even more determination and willpower. 

I am no longer 'fat', and after being through such a bad experience I fully understand how food can destroy a persons life and happiness, I really appreciate the harmony and peace that I feel within. 

I am sorry for writing such a loooooooong post, I just needed to share apart of my experience. I wish that I had known about this site long ago, I perhaps would not have had to shed oceans of tears and be so alone with my problem at the time.  I believe strongly that a person can do almost anything if they set their mind to it and really want to, I am a proof of that. I know how difficult it is, and bad habits are hard to break but you can do it!! 

Thanks. After posting my 'frustrations' yesterday I felt alot better. 

I do know that each time I had tried to set a date to quit, I couldn't, simply because I would smoke myself silly and feel panicky that I am actually going to give up something that I enjoy doing so much; that is one of the reasons I came onto this board.  The advice that worked for me the best was the most simplest, "enough is enough", (Gina).  

In this short period that I have not smoked, I notice how nice it is not to smell like an ashtray, I never could or would have believed how foul clothes, hair and body could reek of this! 

I actually feel that I have more energy and I love it.  I've stopped drinking coffee (that I didn't plan on) i just don't hve a taste for it without a cigarette.  

I still have cravings, not so much in the morning, but after midday  and especially after meals. 

The less that I focus on the fact that I have 'given up' it seems easier for me, try without setting a date and simply just stop. You will see the 'clean and fresh' difference in the first few days. 

Good luck! 

Dr. Wilson, I greatly admire what you have achieved and accomplished.  

You had the inner strength and determination to gain a good education.  One of the missions and purposes in your life is to extend and share the academic knowledge that you pocess to children,  to help them also gain knowledge, so they too may one day pursue their dreams and goals. 

Don't throw your dreams away. 

It is an unfortunate and uneeded situation that you and your family are going through, but perhaps this is an obstacle, a test that life has dealt you,  I am sure that you will overcome this. The scars will always be there, but you will gain yet a knew knowledge and strenghth that will lead you on the right path. 

Best wishes to you and your family 

Bridgette spends money so easily because she didn't put in the hours to earn it.  I believe that prior to her marriage she was not very 'switched on' to 'life in the real world' and entered into her marriage with the same attitude. 

I think that she is manipulative, she probably did feel 'guilty' when her husband received a bill, but she knew by walking out of the room his 'anger' would soon subside, relief.......... time to plan for tommorows spending spree. And every other day. 

She has little or no respect for her husband, but then she didn't know if she loved him when she married him?!, but it didn't stop her from spending his money on frivolous and stupid things, oh I almost forgot, she mentioned something about  a 'void', obviously she isn't aware that most people on this planet have some sort of 'void', for those who are not fortunate enough to have money waiting for them to take or steal each morning, they must work for it!, therefore that makes plenty of  different 'voids' in the world! 

Finally her days of 'spending how much and when I want days' have come to a bump, so the best thing to do is to come on the Dr Phil show and hopefully he will give her 'spending habit' a long clinical name and even tell her that she is not to blame..........   

If Bridgette respects Dr Phil  ' above all others', then why did she never take the advice he had given to other people who had 'habits' like hers on previous shows, I guess those ones she happened to miss while out shopping. 

Bridgette has never had to face consequences for any of her actions, blaming others for her disrespect and selfishness. 

Bridgette, grow up and get a job. 

Your doing great!   Don't give up. 

You don't need anyone to hold you accountable, if you really want to you can do it.  What also helped me alot is that I tried not to just focus on my weight situation, as the constant thinking about it made me feel as if I was under pressure all the time.  Think of it as a normal part of your life, eat smaller portions of food (be aware of what you eat), and whatever you do do not stop your workouts. ( I found that I had to have alot of variety in that too because I would get bored and aggitated), but it will pay off.   I haven't given up on many things that I like (sweets), it's just that I have them occassionaly,  and food is not my priotity any longer. 

Good luck,  believe in yourself, don't give in and you will see the results. 

You say that you and your partner have been together for over 2 years, in which you both had time to see if you were compatible enough to marry.  You discussed matters which you felt were wrong in your realtionship with your partner AFTER you had left him, been with someone else then came back to him, shouldn't you have discussed these things before you left him? 

I don't think that you really have a right to pressure your partner into making a 'quick' decision about a life long commitment.  He does need time to think,  vengence is not on his mind, naturally he has issues with trusting you. Stop and think for a moment, if it had been you that was dumped for someone else, and you partner came back how would you feel? how would you react? and would you ever trust that person again?. I doubt it.   

He is not feeling good about himself or the situation, he is in turmoil about being able to trust you. You will not achieve anything by being sarcastic or impatient, that is making him more insecure and distant. 

Try and talk things through with him, you have to be able to understand at least how he feels and the position he is in.  I am not judging you or being harsh, but don't place all of the blame on him, you left him for someone else, how do you expect him to believe in your love and loyalty overnight. 

You both need to cool off.  You should use this period to search your heart and see if you really are ready for marriage, or are you afraid of being alone.  I don't think that either of you are ready, too many issues and feelings unresolved. Perhaps some sort of counselling would be appropriate for you both.  

I feel that you already know the answer to this dilema. 

Good luck 

Annie, everyone goes through a rough period in their lives,  we all come to a point where we are trying to find out who and what we are and our place in this world. You have gone through all of that and  now have a 'solid footing', Don't destroy your life ! 

What you did in the past is just that the past,  I presume you have paid enough for that by feeling guilty and realising that cheating didn't bring you much hapinness.    

The main thing is that YOU have forgiven yourself,   you needed to find yourself,  now I'm sure that you have a better understanding and respect for yourself and your marriage. Don't throw that away. 

Imagine if your husband told you that he had cheated on you not with one woman but  with more than he can remember, how would you feel and would you be able to forgive, love and trust him again, I doubt it. 

Be happy,  concentrate on your future and leave the past alone. 

Good luck! 

We all want, wish and strive for our kids to be healthy and have a good and solid future. 

You say that your daughter dropped out of College, and at about the same time, you who "can't stand how she lives", dropped out of her life and moved out, what are great example you are. 

Your husband completely supports his daughter as he is the only one there for her, he might not be going about things the right way but he is doing the best he can and perhaps the only way he knows how, he does not wish do give up on them. Could you not have gone to your daughters doctor to see what is wrong with her and together with your husband get advice on how to manage and overcome these 'issues'?   You could have and still can ask for guidance and help from a family counseling organisation, so that BOTH you and your husband  are aware of how to go about in steering your family in the right direction. 

I greatly admire your husband for sticking in there,  hopefully you will not just observe what is going on with your family from the 'sidelines' . 

How many single mothers struggle, with little or no support to raise their kids, how many people have kids that are handicapped/disabled who also go through many obstacles to provide a secure and safe environment,  imagine if they all threw in the towel and gave up on their kids the way you did........................ 

I am not trying to be harsh, but a mothers love and support is hard to replace, a mother never gives up on her children.  Wake up and get involved!! 

If you had read my original post then you would have seen that I did not agree in the way the father was dealing with his daughter, but that he was probably doing the best that he could, and  in the only way he knows how. 

Yes, both parents should be making decisions together,  the father is at home and the mother is throwing in her 'suggestions' from somewhere else, obviously that isn't going well for them. 

I definately don't agree that the daughter should be living the way she is, but are the mothers reasons valid for leaving the home?    A child being a 'slob' is not a reason for abandoning your family.  As I had said previously, would it not have been logical for the mother to at least consult the daughters dr to actually know what is happening with her and what type of 'issues' her child has. 

You say in another post that the father probably has mental issues of his own and should seek help,  why, just because he is obviously not well equipped to handle the situation in the right way does not mean that he has mental issues.   He is still in his childrens lives, and the mother is not. 

Perhaps because I am the type of person that does not give up easily on any obstacle or problem that may arise in my life, I find it almost impossible to believe that this mother could just walk out and wait for a tv show to hopefully answer her questions. No normal parent gives up on their children without a fight,  which makes me think that there is more to the story than just the daughter being a 'slob/pig', every story has more than one chapter. 

I could not do that , and from what I see I don't believe that you are a person that would give up on your family.