Messages By: theta1

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Stressed

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upset
September 28, 2005, 7:17 am PDT

WHAT TO DO

I HAVE THIS FRIEND THAT I'VE ONLY KNOWN FOR 6 MONTHS. WE'VE GONE TO MOVIES AND HAD LUNCHES & DINNERS TOGETHER. LATELY SHE HAS BEEN STAND OFFISH. SHE DOESN'T RETURN PHONE CALLS, IF WE TALK IT'S MOSTLY ME THAT CALLS, SHE DOESN'T REPLY TO E-MAILS. I DON'T WANT TO END THE FRIENDSHIP, BECAUSE I KNOW SHE'S GOING THROUGH A REAL STRESSFULL TIME HERSELF. DO I HAVE TOXIC FRIENDSHIP OR AM I MAKING ABIG DEAL OUT OF NOTHING. WHAT DO I DO?
 
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Stressed

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blank
September 28, 2005, 11:26 am PDT

Ending Toxic Friendships

Quote From: ritehere

 Call up your friend and level with her in a kind way. I don't know what kind of stress she's under, but you can start out by saying that you miss the friendship although you understand she's stressed. Is there anything you can do? Listen carefully to her reply. If it sounds like she's grateful for the concern, I would give her the space she needs to get through whatever it is. Or she may take you up on your offer of help or advice. If you feel she's giving you a brush-off, ask her if she doesn't want to be friends anymore. But listen carefully to the replies, sometimes others don't know how to break things off and will drag it out. Or, they don't know how to ask for support in times of stress. For your part, being honest and up front will give them the opportunity to do the same. And you won't sit around wondering and assuming.
I'VE ALREADY TALKED TO HER ABOUT THE SITUATION , AND SHE TELLS ME THAT WE ARE STILL FRIENDS. I'VE ASKED IF I HAVE DONE ANYTHING TO MAKE HER MAD, AND SHE TELLS ME NO AND GETS DEFENSIVIVE TELLING ME  I HAVE AN ISSUE WITH BEING TO NEEDY. SHE SAYS SHE DOESN'T LIKE HAVING TO RE-ASSURE ME AND THAT I SHOULD TRUST THAT SHE IS MY FRIEND.  I DON'T WANT TO BE AGRESSIVE OR PUSHY. SHE'S  A GOOD PERSON AND FUN TO HANG OUT WITH. I KNOW SHE'S HAD BAD RELATIONSHIPS IN THE PAST, AND I THINK BECAUSE I'M A GUY SHE DOESN'T REALLY TRUST ME YET. I'VE TOLD HER THAT I HAVE NO INTIMATE FEELINGS AND ONLY WANT TO BE HER FRIEND, BUT I DON'T THINK SHE REALLY BELIEVES ME. I ALSO KNOW SHE DOESN'T LIKE FOR PEOPLE TO "INVADE HER PERSONAL SPACE", AND I'VE MADE THE MISTAKE OF GIVING HER A FRIENDLY HUG EVERY ONCE IN AWHILE, AND SHE HAS RE-AFFIRMED ME THAT SHE "DOESN'T LIKE TO BE TOUCHED". HAVE I CROSSED A BOUNDRY WITH NO CHANCE OF RETURNING TO A NORMAL FRIENDSHIP? IS THERE HOPE THAT SHE'LL FULLY TRUST ME?
 
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Stressed

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hopeful
September 29, 2005, 3:36 am PDT

HAVE A BETTER VEIW NOW

Quote From: ritehere

 All you can really do at this point is to give her her space. You may have hit the nail on the head when you said she may not trust that you don't have an ulterior motive because she's had bad relationships in the past. Let it rest for now, that may be exactly what she needs, and if  you give her that she will value you for it.
THANK YOU, I REALLY APPRECIATE YOUR OPINION. ALL I  NEEDED WAS AN UNBIASED POINT OF VEIW. I'M  VERY HOPEFUL NOW.
 
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Stressed

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blank
October 17, 2005, 11:57 am PDT

BACK FOR MORE ADVICE

Quote From: ritehere

 All you can really do at this point is to give her her space. You may have hit the nail on the head when you said she may not trust that you don't have an ulterior motive because she's had bad relationships in the past. Let it rest for now, that may be exactly what she needs, and if  you give her that she will value you for it.

HI 

     IT'S BEEN A FEW WEEKS SINCE I WAS LAST HERE, AND I HAVE NOT HAD ANY CONTACT WITH MY FRIEND. I THINK SHE HAS GIVEN UP ON THE FRIENDSHIP,BUT I NOT 100% SURE. 

I FEEL AS THOUGH I HAVE 2 BATTLES BEING WAGED INSIDE ME. THE FIRST IS THE PART  OF ME THAT NEVER GIVES UP, THAT NEVER SAY DIE ATTITUDE, I DO NOT BELIEVE IN TURNING MY BACK ON A FRIEND. THE SECOND IS THE PART THAT TELLS ME I DO NOT DESERVE TO BE 

TREATED THIS WAY, WITH NO RESPECT FOR HOW I FEEL WHATSOEVER., AND I FEEL LIKE BOTH SIDES ARE NEITHER  WINNING NOR LOSING. DO I NEED TO GIVE IT MORE TIME OR DO I NEED TO FACE THE MUSIC, AND PROTECT MYSELF FROM ANY FUTURE HEARTACHE. 

 
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Stressed

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worried
October 25, 2006, 8:19 am PDT

HOW DO I HELP

MY FRIEND JUST LOST HER FATHER IN A VIOLENT WAY AND I WAS CURIOUS, HOW CAN I HELP HER COPE WITH THIS LOSS?  I ALREADY KNOW ABOUT THE JUST BEING THERE AND LISTENING, LETTING HER VENT AND BE ANGRY. WHAT I'M WISHING TO KNOW IS IF THERE IS ANYTHING ELSE I CAN SAY OR DO?  WHAT DO I SAY WHEN SHE ASKS ME WHAT TO TELL HER CHILDREN OF HOW TO DEAL WITH THE LOSS OF THEIR GRANDFATHER ( IF SHE ASKS FOR MY ADVICE)? I'VE COMMUNICATED WITH HER FOR THE PAST FEW DAYS AND AS I'VE SAID BEFORE I'M JUST LETTING HER TALK , BUT I FEEL AS THOUGH I'M NOT REALLY HELPING.  I KNOW I'M A GREAT FRIEND TO HER, BUT CAN I BE BETTER AND HOW?
 

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