Messages By: bactphd95

I could have been the original poster (hanlukari : "My 7 year old is in 2nd grade and gets what is supposed to be 20 minutes of homework a night.  The 20 minutes includes a math worksheet (sometimes two-sided), as well as a reading/writing assignment and also 15 minutes of reading."). I, too, heard the standard line about "10 minutes a night per grade level." NOT!! As in my case, this looks more like 40-45 minutes per night, at least.

My daughter (now in 5th grade) dragged her feet both in and out of class so badly (homework would take HOURS) that one teacher was convinced (to the point of "Get thee to thy pediatrician," presumably for meds) that my daughter had AD(H)D. Several months, a battery of psychological/IQ tests, and visits to a separate therapist later, we find, courtesy of the last therapist, that the "10 minutes a night per grade level" rule is no longer valid: in "high-achieving," usually suburban schools, that rule of thumb is actually doubled, so it's more like 20 minutes per grade level a night, which is in line with hanlukari's report. In our case, once we were told that tidbit in late 3rd grade, it all made more sense; it was unreasonable to expect the 3rd grade homework given to be completed in, e.g., 30 minutes; it was really more like 45-60, 4th grade was more like  1 hr. 15 min., this year it's closer to 1 hr., 40 minutes (on average, Mon-Thurs). BTW, after "surviving" 3rd grade, my daughter was an honor student last year and is doing OK so far in 5th grade.

As far as the suggestion that hanlukari "make a deal" that s/he supervise no more than 20 min. of good effort a night and write off the rest, Good Luck! Unfortunately, with all the emphasis on test prep these days, the child may well be accused of being "lazy" and "unfocused" if she can't get the work done in the stipulated time (never mind that the expectation is unreasonable to start with)!

Honey, you are being used!! Your own words ("he has been messing with me...") bear this out. What man in his right mind gets another woman "a ticket to the honeymoon and a hotel room"?!? WTF?!?? Sounds like your Sweetie would commit bigamy if he could. He isn't worth it -- what makes you think, even if he dumped his fiancee at the altar for you, that the two of you would have enduring happiness?

You are 22-23 years old, presumably an adult. For the sake of your own self-respect, end it, now. If you won't do it for that reason, think of this: You have a child (by the SO in your life when you and Sweetie were apparently "off"). Is this good behavior to be modeling for your child?

"when everything came to light i left him ...and me and this man ran into each other again and yes again he told my a story that once again did not include his fiance. so maybe i was being naive or maybe i just really wanted to believe him. ...i am just a young female who is guilty of making some bad chioces in the men that i let in to my life. and as far as i knew...he was honest, and treated me like a queen i was given a commitment ring and the whole nine we went apartment shopping,..."

At least you admit to your part in the "bad choices."  Nevertheless, to use the cliche, "It takes two to tango." Sounds like Sweetie is a Class "A" manipulator and liar (but you knew this the first time out, right? So much for his "honesty".) who happens to be able to flash the cash (face it, that was his hook).  As I said in my response to your original post, he sounds like he would be a bigamist if he could. You are much better off far, far away from this jerk (So would his fiancee, but that's neither here nor there, so far as you are concerned.).

I trust you are "older and wiser" now. For your sake, I hope there isn't a third time...

J and his mom are going to have a rough time of it, if first graders at his school are getting 2 HOURS of HW a night (see my earlier post, "NOW They Tell Me!"). Here are some questions for J's mom:

• Is it just this teacher, or are other first graders going throught the same thing? If the latter, it's probably coming from "on high" b/c of the emphasis on test prep (yes, even at this stage!), and complaining to the principal about the homework amount per se will not get too far.
• Are the other mothers/parents getting similar rude reports about their offspring? If so, there's a good case for a reprimand for unprofessional behavior. There is NO excuse for discussing other students with other parents, period, end of sentence.

Unfortunately, if J is already getting tagged with the "disorganized" label, it may follow him as long as he is at that school, unless he gets a teacher who doesn't believe everything s/he hears or reads (I speak from experience on this one). Good luck, and keep us posted.

I am not sure what you saw that Dr. Phil and the overwhelming majority of posters to this board did not. None of this group is going to win the Fidelity Derby, but let's deal with the current situation. He's been unfaithful, not once, but several times (Angie appeared to be merely the latest). Of course he hasn't left, for Angie or any of the others -- Amber cooks his meals and does his laundry, etc., etc. , and, up 'til now, didn't rock the boat too much. As long as he can have his cake and eat it too, why change the status quo? His body language spoke volumes.

Your proposed solution has Amber becoming almost a Stepford wife just so Dennis' precious ego can get enough strokes. I looked up the site you cited -- some useful stuff there. However, to use Harley's terminology, this couple's "Love Bank" is not only bankrupt, the FDIC couldn't bail it out! It would work if, and only IF, Dennis were willing to truly re-commit himself to his marriage. It's got to be a 2-way street. Unfortunately, from what I saw, I don't think that's a realistic expectation.

Amber has already thrown enough good money after bad, so to speak. It's past time for her to make a stable life for herself and her children.

BTW, this sounds very similar to the Brad-Michelle-"Sarah" triangle Dr. P. featured in May of '05 (selfish man, XX infidelities, last straw was with wife's best friend). Wonder how that one turned out?

All I have seen so far is the online slideshow version (our market doesn't get Dr.P. until 5 PM ET), but I wanted to get this post up.

Glad to hear that Amanda seems to have turned her attitude around. Hopefully, Linda & dad (I forget his name) have improved as well. I hope the turnaround is genuine...she doesn't have to be a clone or parrot of her parents (God forbid!), but she needed to learn that a household, like society in general, has rules that need to be followed, even when we don't like them. 

One thing I am curious about: The slideshow version mentions in 1 sentence "[Amanda] is no longer dating the boyfriend...". Who ended it, Amanda or George, i.e., did she see the light, or did he dump her as soon as the taping was finished b/c of (a) the trouble heaped upon him and his and/or (b) she was no longer around to gratify him sexually? 

Let's get this straight: He cheated on you, he made noises about filing for divorce but has not done so. Meanwhile, he is shacking up w/the other woman, but is still sleeping with you on occasion. De facto, who is now the "wife" and who is the "other woman?"

Her issues, which appear to be legion, don't really enter into it, except he may live to regret getting entangled with a "user". If he really wanted you back, don't you think he'd have tried to win you back over the last 7 months (by ending it with the mistress), rather than buying himself a new place and moving her in? Quite the contrary, he's real happy to string you along, figuring you don't have the nerve to go through with an actual divorce; meanwhile, he's getting nookie from 2 different women.

Take charge of you. Close out the bank account (if it's "or"; if it's "and", both of you will have to do it), get your own insurance, and Good Riddance to him. Further delay will only keep the wounds bleeding longer.

"A journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step."

Unfortunately, your ex is being selfish, pure and simple. My own guess is that as long as your ex's wants were accommodated when the children were small enough to be dragged around, everything was just fine. Perhaps their father was more "involved" when he lived in the same town? Now, however, your children are teens and very much have lives that are separating not only from yours, but from that of their father as well. Had the ex been more "involved," and is now "demanding" that they come to the new home on "his" weekends, they are angry at him, and with good reason (what teen does ANYthing b/c his or her parent "demands" it?).

If he has half a brain, he should realize that it's about them and his continued presence in their lives, not about the location of where the visits take place. They are teens; they need to come to their own resolution on this one...you can't force it either way, except to encourage your ex to come to your (their) town to support them in their activities..

I've read the exchange between you &  ldjesus about your situation. A couple of aspects of it reminded me of me a decade ago: My ex-husband's life was "over" when he found out about the expectation...that's a major part of why he is now my EX. Second, your X-BF, like my X, started making "I wanna be a daddy now" noises after a new sweetie came into his life (in my case the time lag was years, not months).

The reason I quote this particular post is simple. One thing that jumped out at me about your ex is that he feels he needs control (or maybe it's the gf who needs the control). A little background is in order. My ex didn't bug me much, nor I him, for years after the divorce. The visitation was minimal (one Saturday or Sunday afternoon a month) for 7 years, by his choice. Enter the new woman. She has gone behind my back concerning scheduling/timing of visits, has her calling her "Mom" (a big no-no, according to the divorce decree; my second husband is not, and has never been, "Dad"), and (with my ex) cites ME as an excuse for why things aren't a certain way.  Things started getting acrimonious between me & my ex to the point where legal action was threatened if I didn't acquiesce to his/their demands for increased visitation, with me providing the transportation of 100 miles 1-way every other time (the decree stipulates that transportation is his responsibility, unless I were to leave the state). I decided to make the opportunity for increased visitation available; however, this was pretty much met with, by their behavior, "we really don't want to schedule additional time." The only result has been that now I don't know what their intentions are until the last minute; even when a date is scheduled, they have changed it with less than a week to go 2 of the last 4 times.  I have discussed this with my ex on several occasions in an effort to get things stabilized, but to no avail; it's actually gotten worse. Our plans are etched in Jello. Also, the CS, which had come like clockwork, evaporated to the point that I had to go to the authorities to garnish his paycheck (now I'm "keeping him from realizing his dreams," which they have also told the child).

My pre-teen daughter is now at an age where she wants to pursue activities, i.e., sports and a social life. My ex and new sweetie want her in their town during visits; I can at least live with that. Hence, the effort to get the schedule stabilized as much as possible so she knows what's coming/where she's going and I know what to schedule when (as far as I can do so) .  Unfortunately, he seems to have little regard for what this pre-teen wants to pursue, e.g., she is on the ball crew for a major college volleyball team; although he was expressly invited by me to come, he has not seen her once. This sounds, again, like a control issue (see my earlier post responding to the actual query).

My point (as well as allowing me to vent :-)  ) is to concur w/ldjesus on this point: Document, Document, Document!! Try not to have to go to court (but don't let threats buffalo you either; the documentation will be on your side).  If the X-BF stays in, I suspect you are in for a rocky road as this child matures. Keep the faith, do your best (none of us is perfect), and the child should turn out OK.