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Messages By: mrs_affair

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September 28, 2005, 10:04 am CDT

need to vent

Hi.  I've been the "other woman" for 1 1/2 years.  We don't see each other very often, maybe once every month or so.  He feels real guilty because we are both married with kids, but he keeps coming around.  I never have felt guilty, I know that sounds bad, but I can't help how I feel.  To me, this is something I do just for me, no one knows about it.  We are very discreet.  And neither of us would ever admit to it.  I know there are lots of women in this situation.  Most of us get slammed for it.  And I can see why.  But it still dosen't change anything.  My feeling for this other man are very strong, and yet I'm happily married and wouldn't want to change that.  I guess I want my cake and eat it too!  Are there other women out there that get me?
 
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October 10, 2005, 6:59 am CDT

It just may be over

Quote From: mrrobe

Well, I get what you are saying.  But I'm afraid that your story might not end up having a happy ending. I was sort of in a situation like that not too long ago.  I was the other woman and he was married. I am also married and my husband is actually related to my affair partner.  The affair started between me and this man in March and ended in a very disasterous way in June.  It's very easy to get caught up in the "good" feelings.  I felt like I had everything I had ever wanted with this guy.  My husband and I had BIG problems way before the affair and once the affair begun... I wasn't even considering breaking it off (the affair) because it was an outlet for my frustration and stress.  And eventually I fell totally head over heels for this other person and he kept trying to persuade me to actally be with him.  At that point I realized I was absolutely totally out of control.  My life was spiraling and I had no idea what I should do.  My situation at home with my husband was escalating and I ended up telling him that we needed to separate for a short time.  He moved to his dad's and in the meantime I told the other guy we needed distance as well so I could figure out what in the world I was going to do.  While this was all taking place... our secret leaked out.  His wife had become more and more suspicious over the few months even though my husband was absolutely clueless and totally unsuspecting.  She found out and brought it all to light and pretty soon the whole family knew.  To say the least, our "relationship" was ended promptly and left many unsettling and unresolved feelings between the two of us.  So back to your situation:  You may feel that it's harmless or try to tell yourself that it is... but be careful because you will get burned.  And your heart will end up broken into pieces and you will hurt others as a result of your secret fun.  I get what you are saying though I really do.  I was there not too long ago.  I miss the other guy everyday.  I think about him every single day even though my husband and I got back together.  I believe that I did love and still do love the other man, but wrong place wrong time wrong people under our circumstances we were in.  We absolutely were being totally careless and irresponsible in the worst possible way.  Not only did we hurt everyone else but we set ourselves up for the most awful heart wrenching disappointment we could've imagined.
Thank you for your advise.  I'm finding out how right everyone is!  Me and the OM got together a few days ago.  Afterwards, he got really ugly to me because he got a sudden case of guilt.  I've finally had enough.  I've seen him several times since (our kids go to the same school) but have had the will not to speak to him.  I'm still really sad and angry at him, but I know he is right.  He asked me "what if your husband finds out?  What if my wife found out?"  What made me angry is why have sex with me and then get the guilt trip?  He shouldn't be seeing me if he feels that way.  He keeps coming over to me, smiling at me etc, but I've just ignored him.  I'm really proud of myself for that, but not proud of what has happened.  I guess what I need to know now is, is it possible to get on with my life like nothing has happened.  I am very happily married no matter what anyone says.  My husband dosen't suspect a thing.   I know it was just something selfish I was doing for myself.  I think I've had that "bored housewife syndrome".  No one knows about the affair, but like you, I still think about him all the time.  Maybe as more time passes, it will get easier to be without him.   Is there other women out there who have had an affair, ended it and no one ever found out?  I hope if neither of our spouses find out, no one else has to get hurt. 
 
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October 10, 2005, 7:09 am CDT

It would never work

Quote From: lutt0031

I had been seeing a married man for over seven months when his wife found out. He decided that he would work on the marriage and stay with her. They are going to marriage counseling but he has not stopped contacting me. This went on for about two months. Just recently he has decided that he really cannot continue to have contact with me if he is to really give his wife a chance. I am heartbroken. He's been married for over twenty years. God, she's had a chance to be a good wife to him. What the hell? She had to have suspected that he was messing around and did nothing. When she found out about me then she stepped it up. She all of a sudden wanted sex and now she wants to be this amazing wife. Why is it that she wants to do this after she finds out about me. I am crazy jealous right now and all I want is her to be out of the picture. I don't understand how he can be fooled by her.

Honey, your MM loves his wife.  There are always two sides to every story and I bet you haven't heard her side.  My MM was always honest with me about his wife.  I knew he loved her and I also loved my husband.  Neither of us wanted to be "found out".  Why we fooled around is still a mystery to me!  One thing I've learned is, it is very painful for everybody, especially the other woman.  I've lost alot of my self esteem and it sounds like you have too.  I hope we both can get it back.  My advise to you is to forget him, find someone who loves you, not just loves having sex with you.   

 
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November 2, 2005, 12:40 pm CST

Still wanting him

Hey, I'm back again!  Well...although me and the OM haven't slept together again since the last incident, we've been talking on the phone like we are friends or something!  I still want him more than ever and I feel very confused.  When I hear his voice I just melt!  My husband and I aren't having any problems or anything so I don't know what is wrong with me!!!  I wasn't ready for it to end...but will I ever be? 
 
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November 2, 2005, 3:26 pm CST

I remember!

Quote From: ritehere

 Do you remember a few posts back when you said he got ugly with you after HE felt guilty, and then laid a guilt trip on YOU? Why does he get to call the shots? You wanted to end it, and have made a good attempt, even though you two keep talking on the phone. Do you see what needs to happen here to put it behind you once and for all? Your character is being tested here, let him be the failure, not you.
Oh, believe me, I remember that well.  But, honestly, I don't know what needs to happen to end it once and for all.  Quit talking to him altogether?  I wish I could.  What do I do with all these feelings for him?  I think about him all the time.  Whenever he calls I jump for the phone!  I feel so weak when it comes to him!  You are so right...he get to call all the shots and I hate that!  Have you been in a situation like this? 
 
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November 3, 2005, 10:48 am CST

trying to find myself

You know, you guys give the best advise!!  I am so happy I found this message board.  It seems to really help writing all this down. Its like therepy for me.  The only reason I can see for me doing this is I must have gotten married too young.  I know that is no excuse for my behavior, but I've been married 19 years and I'm only 36!  We do have 4 wonderful kids (ages12 thru 4) , and they would hate me if I screwed up my family.  That is one thing I wouldn't be able to forgive myself for.  I don't think I would ever stop this affair if it was up to me, but you both are right about one thing, I should do it for my family.  My husband (who is the greatest guy) and my kids don't deserve for me to do this.  I've been in denial about what would happen is we ever got caught.  And the OM is married with 2 kids also.  So that is two families that would be torn apart.  So, I've decided not to take his calls, and not to call him.  I have to cut off all contact and hopefully in time, I will be able to get over him.   Thank you for all your wonderful advise and I will keep you posted on my progress!   

 
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November 8, 2005, 11:55 am CST

Still hanging in there

Quote From: cwgrlbusdr

I used to come to these boards before they changed them to this format. I just can't get used to the new stuff so I don't come here very often. What I want to say to you is this:  Until you dig deep down inside yourself, and actually learn what is causing that emptiness or that "hole" inside of yourself, you're never going to be completely happy. This affair you are having is a temporary fix.   

I suggest personal counseling. It helped me tremendously.  I am finally a "whole' person. The emptiness is gone. My marriage is better then it ever was; we are not only best friends but also passionate lovers...with each other. I didn't get this way on my own and it didn't happen overnight. My affair took place almost 7 years ago. We both ended it and never spoke to each other again. I told my husband and it devastated him.  We worked hard to get beyond it. Neither of us are the same people we were back then. We are very fortunate that it turned out the way it did.  I count my blessings ever single day and NEVER will I take my marriage for granted again. 

Mrs. Affair, you are living on borrowed time. Your life cannot stay the way it is. Something drastic is going to happen and it's not going to be good.  End it COMPLETELY with the OM now, for everyone's sake. 

Thank you for your advise.  I was really missing my OM and wanted to call him, but instead I decided to check the message board and found your message.   This message board is really good for me!  I have concidered counseling, but since I haven't told my hubby about the affair, (and I never plan on telling) he would really wonder why I needed counseling.  I think he is better off not knowing about it  (tell me if I'm wrong folks, actually I'm sure you will!  : )  Anyway, I'm just taking it one day at a time like AA, (except its affairs annonomous!)  I was wondering how long your affair lasted, and also how long did it take you to get over him?  I still think about him all the time.  Actually I'm curious from all of you who have been involved in affairs how they ended and how long it took to get over it.  Most of what I hear is the affair ends when they get caught.  We have never gotten caught and neither of us want to, thats the main reason it ended.  I really could use some more "happy ending" stories!  Thanks!
 
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November 9, 2005, 2:56 pm CST

Who am I to judge!

Quote From: pinkhoops

I really would like to have someone to talk to about what has been going on in my life with someone who understands and seems to be in the same situation. Is anyone interested that won't judge me for what I am doing?
Please feel free to talk about what is on your mind here, or email me.  Most of these posts have come from people who have been unfaithful.  No one has been harsh or judgemental to me, and I have a pretty messed up story!  It really helped me to speak freely here, and I hope you can do the same. 
 
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November 22, 2005, 5:53 pm CST

to getitnow

Quote From: getitnow

I had a very similar situation. 

2 years ago I had an affair. I couldn't understand why I did it because I have a fantastic husband. I think it was mid life crisis. I was 46 he was 35. 

I did go to counseling, I told my husband it was because I was having a hard time going through menopause and needed someone to talk to because he did not take me seriously. 

My husband was suspicious at times but never knew for sure. 

He ended up finding out about the affair as did  the other man's wife. 

I never see him anymore because he works for a different company now. 

I still think about it everyday and feel like I need more closure. 

I sometimes feel like I need to talk to his wife and ask her for her forgiveness. 

When our affair ended there was no hard feelings, we did not want to get caught and neither of us were going to leave our spouses. We were just physically attracted to each other. 

I wonder how him and his wife are doing and wonder if he ever thinks of me. 

I don't know how long I will continue to think about him. 

My husband and I are still together, which I am so grateful for, I do love my husband. 

The hardest thing that I had to do was to sit down and tell my grown children that I had an affair. 

My daughters have done better than my son. I hope that one day he will forgive me, for I love him dearly. 

I hope this helps, I hope you can find a way to move on. 

I hope just one day will go by and I won't think about him at all, because I still think about him everyday.  We still talk about once a week (nothing sexual though) and I wonder if it would be easier if we didn't talk at all anymore.  I'm scared that if we keep in contact something will happen between us again.  And I wonder if deep down inside that is what I want to happen.  If not, then why am I still talking to him?  I noticed your affair was 2 years ago, and you are still thinking of him, wondering if he still thinks of you.  How long did your affair last?  I would advise you not to contact his wife though.  If they have moved on and are trying to work things out, you contacting her would bring back all her painful memories.  I am lucky that we were never caught.  My hubby and my OM's wife don't suspect a thing and I know I will never confess!  I don't think my hubby would ever look at me the same if he knew.   I feel like I'm still in limbo here, I want my hubby but I still want the OM too.  I don't know how to turn these feelings off.  Shouldn't there be a button or something somewhere? 
 
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November 23, 2005, 9:53 am CST

to lunnychick

Quote From: lunnychick

 I just want to thank you OW out there for sharing how you feel...... As a betrayed wife I always wanted to understand the justifications and thought processes behind you knowingly involving yourself with a Married Man.  Just to hear you say   "You hope one day you won't think of him, even though it is supposed to be over...., but you secretly know it is not.... because you keep a window open to your heart by  his voice contact......Of course you want to do it again ...otherwise, you would, stop the contact.
This behavior is why it is so hard for me, the wife,....to believe that the OW is indeed still a threat.  And Why I have to waste so much energy being concerned about her.  I believe the man is somewhat full of guilt  and wants to let the OW emotionally, down easy...But unfortunately the OW  sees this compassion  as continued "fantasies of real love".   If he loved you , he would have chosen you and ended  his other relationship..The fact that he doesn't shows you that he can't respect you properly.
So get over him , please for the wifes' sake. Let him alone.   I only wish the OW had had the guts to be honest to me about their relationship.......As well as apologise to me to being confused ,based on my husbands actions...that she was mislead, etc...What ever...I think an apology acknowledges that the wife is entitled to her marriage ..and it is a way of reasuring her that You are no longer a threat and you truly are Sorry..........It's called do unto others as they wish they'd do for you if the roles were reversed!
I'd like to thank you for your thoughts as well.  You know, I have never really concidered his wifes feeling until I read your message.  I hate it when I read posts from OW who act like its the wives fault, or like the wife has no right to her own man.  Because it is us, the OW who have no right to that man or to intervere in his marriage and family.  I think some men are weak, so it is up to the woman to  end it for good.  I've been weak myself and I need to be strong.  You are so right about everything you said, so once again, thank you for giving me another point of view to think about. 
 

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