Messages By: paulmish2

I have been divorced once, and am currently happily married.  I have never been cheated on, my first marriage had other problems, but both my mother and sister were cheated on.  I have watched them over the years, and I see such a huge difference between them and myself, and I really think that it is significant.  Both of them looked at marriage as something they needed to be valid / valued as women / people.  When they were cheated on, it was obvious that they were so dependent on being that person's wife that there would be no real consequences to getting caught, other than alot of ugliness, which can be avoided simply by ignoring the other person.  If I were cheated on, I would act very selfishly about it.  Here's what I would do:  wait until the cheater is home, and in charge of everything (house, kids - I have three), let them know I am going on a little vaca, and then go someplace cool, and not check in at all for at least three days.  At that point, they would be terrified, and would at the very least know if you are worth keeping.  That's where I would start, althought I seriously doubt the marriage would last anyway.   

  

Another thought, cheating is SO common, it's obviously a challenge to prevent.  So why not use strong measures for a big threat?  My husband knows I would go ballistic on him if he cheated, and frankly, if I cheated, I would fear for the guy's physical health (haha)!   

  

SO many women (and men) are trapped by: religious fears, fear of looking like a failure, financial dependencies - it just makes the temptation to cheat even stronger because the spouse knows there probably won't be a big consequence.  The truth is, if you've been cheated on, the damage is already done to you personally.  Hanging on, being "patient," etc, doesn't change that.  Patient my butt! 

  

Just an opinion... have a nice day!!  

Actually, I didn't point out that my husband is an amazing dad (I wouldn't marry or stay with anyone who wasn't responsible enough to be with his OWN children).  So, my idea still stands!

I've had that same thought about dating many times.  My family members are sort of negative by nature, and I've heard the "it's a man's world" lecture so many times.  However, I have never had a hard time meeting men.  I know that I can expect what I give, like you so eloquently said, and I open myself up to those men.  Every time I hear the saying "it's just as easy to full in love with a rich man," I think, isn't it easier for the rich man to fall in love with a supermodel? haha 

  

Remember the show where this service showed women how to many a rich man?  That was a hoot.  If I were a super-rich women (hardly), I doubt I'd fall for some bozo who went to a seminar to trick me into marrying him! 

I'm so sorry for what happened to you.  Is there anyone, friends or family, you can call, and just say "I need help?"  If so, do it right now!  Ask just for some grownup company, or for a coffee and muffin from the local shop.  You'd be surprised how people want to help, but don't want to invade.  Hope things look up soon. 

I'm not judging morally, the moral issue is a no-brainer.  However, it seems to me that it is much harder to capture a man's attention when he is single and free as a bird, than when he is married, and can only look for extra nooky at work, or places that he goes as part of his married life.  Therefore, finding a single man takes more of a woman.  As far as the woman having a "blast," is that just being together with no kids?  'Cause that is a blast for any couple.  Raising kids is sooo hard, that the "blast" get set back somewhat.   

  

Bottom line, you get what you pay for. 

Bottom bottom line, men who cheat may look like they have it made, but they are not on the same level as people who keep their word, and accept their responsibilities.  Don't envy them! 

Someone mentioned younger men - the 50's generation of men and women are, as a group, more conventional than their younger counterparts.  I do not look at marriage as my life's work or accomplishment, but as a large part of it.  My husband (actually 44), is not expecting a baby doll who will "lay his clothes out."  We are so much more equals than that. 

  

Another thing, there is a difference between not working and being dependent!!!  I stayed home for several years after my twins (child 2 and 3) were born, obviously the right choice for us, but my net worth still kept growing - by that I mean real estate equity, IRA, savings, etc.  It didn't matter who earned it, we own everything jointly.  As far as having no job skills, having children does not stop you from keeping your hand in, waiting on your husband like he's a corporate king does.  I've had TWO careers, and we have three kids!  The difference is that we make each decision as it comes, we never assumed that he was the BW and I was the HM.  I pity the man who never gets to be the SAHD for awhile, it's magnificent. 

  

Another thought, is materialism a culprit for ending marriages?  When the so-called successful couple gets caught up in all the things we are supposed to want (and chase), maybe there's no time for fun anymore. 

  

Men aren't pigs, anymore than women are paycheck-sucking and lazy.  Many people get married to the wrong person, and then add kids to the mix (and never just one, have you noticed!!) 

  

  

What on earth is boycotting Aruba going to do?  The traffickers that use Aruba will simply find another more crime-friendly place to go.  I disagree that having many poor girls willing to be prostitutes makes the selling of Natalee less likely - she is American and blond, and that's the appeal, if, God forbid, that's what happened. 

  

I have two daughters.  I know that things like this go on - in MANY countries.  I also know that the police are not going to "protect" my daughters - maybe they're having a bad day, or maybe they don't really care.  It's my job to protect them, as much as I can.  There are NO guarantees in life, but I always thought from the beginning that going to Aruba as part of a high-school trip was INSANE. 

  

Let's be realistic about this issue, and talk about what the real problems are, and how they can be, if only a little, addressed. 

It isn't enought to have every possible birth control device available.  We have to make it "OK" to use them.  In my opinion, here in the US, we still have this "cowboy/baptist" attitude toward women.  A women (like me) who sees sex as her own choice, and birth control as just one more medical responsibility, is often labeled a (horrors!) feminist, ie. unnatural man-hater.  Catholic teaching (my own experience here) is STILL saying not to use birth control at all.  So a young girl who wants to keep a boyfriend will choose taking a chance over using birth control - somehow in a twisted patriarchal way, that's the less perverted choice!  Why isn't birth control FREE?  Why is Viagra covered and not birth control - hello!  Being married is no excuse for not protecting yourself.  In fact, being married makes accidental pregnancies more possible, right?  

  

In the end, I agree that people get what they bargain for.  If I had too many kids already, um, tubes tied / pill / depo provera already!  That way, a sneaky husband can get some fun, but no more kids! 

I don't think the daughter misunderstands, I think to her the Sacramental part of the marriage IS the marriage.  I'll bet she would have reacted better is the only action was a legal divorce.  This guy can't have it both ways...