Messages By: mrs_smith

just to feel good about myself... 

I live a very healthy lifestyle. Get up every morning at 4.30 AM to do my cardio, and go to the gym 5 days a week. Next to that I eat healthy, don't smoke or drink, but still can't lose a few extra pounds... 

Working 40-50 hours a week, sitting still behind a computer, probably doesn't help. 

So, I met with a dr. and I will go under the knife in two weeks, I am so excited about it. It will be a small "extreme makeover"  I will have 5 procedures done. 

Rhinoplasty, fat injections in my lips, as well as these lines next to my nose/mouth, liposuction, and my breasts. I had breast augmentation two years ago, and am not really happy with the results I received. OF course, this is with a different dr. I can't wait. It will cost us a fortune, (I have a very supportive hubby) we could buy a new car for it, but it will be worth it. 

I have had mixed reactions to it. My friends think its great, others think I don't need it, I look good as it is, and others are against it, thinking I am too materialistic, money could be spend better elsewhere, and we need to accept our bodies as they are... well I think that's BS... you only live once, and if this is something that makes you happy, WHY NOT..... My nose has been bugging me for almost 25 years, being called witch in Highschool wasn't all that great to hear, so it's time.... and I can't wait. 

One more day to go.... 

Going under the knife, tomorrow starting at 7.30 AM... I just talked to the nurse, and she told me the dr. made OR reservations for 510 minutes, which is 8.5 hours.... wow... I should be looking "good" after that much time.... I am totally excited, and just a little nervous... who wouldn't be... Finally, I waited a long time for this... 

Trying to get pregnant is something you decide together, as a couple.... 

Why don't you just concentrate on school first, finished that, and enjoy life together with your boyfriend. You are still so young, enjoy your freedom for a while. 

You are definitely not ready to have a baby, if you don't discuss this with your boyfriend. Don't have secrets for him, that is just not right, and not the right way trying to start a family.... 

I have a feeling this  will be a long story... 

My husband and I met in 2000, and moved in together in 2001, and got married in 2002. He has two sons with his ex wife. The boys accepted me immediately, and when they were with us on the weekends, it was pretty good. Unfortunately the ex-wife was bitter, angry, jealous, and everything else negative you can think off. For two years straight, she would call me, whore, slut, bitch, trash, etc etc, and even when the children were standing next to her.... I would never respond to that kinda behavior, because of the kids...  The boys will turn 10 and 11 this summer. 

She got into a new relationship herself, and all calmed down, a little... Her new husband's ex-wife, treated her the same way she was treating me, so it kinda openend her eyes.... just a little, because she still loses it sometimes. 

She got really pissed at me, because the oldest one told her, that he called me mom.... I did tell him, that I prefer he calls me by my first name, since he already has a mom... Anyways, she started yelling and screaming at me again, because she was his mother.... obviously she didn't get the whole story. But right now, the children call her husband "dad", and suddenly it's OK to do so.... 

In the summer of 2003, hubby and I moved away, due to a change of jobs, and we are now living 1150 miles away. We have seen the boys three times since then, summer 03, xmas 03, and summer 04. They didn't want to come with xmas 04, or the summer/xmas 05. Their mother doesn't motivate them either.  

In nov. 04 she told my husband, that it's better for them, if he doesn't call anymore, since he is invading their privacy.... He knows everything about them, but  "she" doesn't know anything about us. Obviously, she doesn't get it, and probably never will. Whenever he talked to the boys, there were no secrets, and they just talked about day to day stuff. The first year, we lived so far away, we had the arrangement that one week he would call, the other week the boys would call, and that went great for about 8-9 months. But after the summer vacation, it was all over. The ex-wife didn't believe in the arrangement anymore. So from nov 04 til aug 05 my husband didn't talk to his children. Then suddenly she called, telling him, she regrets she told him that, and he can call whenever he pleases... Well, the damage has been done already. Since we don't see them, or hardly talk to them, and them having a father figure in their lives, my hubby isn't really needed... Whenever he calls, and gets about a 5 minute conversation out of them, and then they are more interested in the movie they are watching... it takes the fun out of it.  

Right now, their, hubby and ex-wife,  communication is per email. Phones doesn't work for her. She is bi-polar, and loses it really quick. Then it goes from, well, my husband will adopt them, so you don't need to pay your child support anymore, to 10 min. later talking about taking him back to court, for more.... and even though she just stated she really doesn't need his money... she get's $1000 per month. 

My husband would love to see his children this summer, but I really don't see the purpose of it. I know, it sounds harsh, but its the truth. The last time they were here, in the summer of 04, it wasn't all that great. My husband took two weeks off from work, so he could spend quality time with them. The sad part was, that after 3-4 days, he told me, after the boys were in bed, oh man, can't we send them back... He loves them dearly, but they are being raised (or actually I should say not being raised) the way we would do it. They are running the show at their house, and are beyond spoiled. They don't have just one video game, oh no, they have x-box, ninento, super ninento, playstation, and all the games with it. Motor cycles, bikes, scooters, etc etc, etc. Unbelievable. They tell their mother, they want to go some where, and mommy jumps in the car and they are on their way. 

Well, at our house it's a little different, they go to bed on time, we have our meals together, need to eat whats being served, they don't get as much candy, no soda, no talking back, maiking their bed, just basic stuff, that just doesn't happen there.  

When we lived "near" them, I taught them, how to eat with a fork and a knife, but later when they were visiting us, they were eating like they didn't know what a knife was... From the two weeks they stayed with us, the first week wasn't all that great, due to the big differences in the householdings. The second week was much better, but then it was time again to go home..... Gone for another year. Plus, a few months after their last visit, their mother called, and told my husband, that the boys thought it was ridiculous, they had to wait to go swimming. Because of them running the show at their mother's house, they believe they can do it at our's as well. Well, my husband told her, that he is the "boss" and he decides when to go swimming, or any other activity for that matter, and not two little boys. She thinks that that's wrong.... 

I remember that in the first few months that my husband and I lived together, the boys would stay with us, and at that time, they were only 5 and 6, and the ex tried to tell my husband, that the boys should be able to eat as many popsicles as they would like !!!!! The boys told her, that they couldn't... so she said, well if you have 20 popsicles in the fridge, they should be able to eat all 20, and you just need to buy MORE.... yeah right, ever heard of limitations.... He told her, that she didn't live there, she didn't pay the bills, so she didn't have any input...  

When they were with us, they were calling their mother every single day, or she called them. It droves us nuts. If I would have been in her shoes, I would have told the boys, listen, you haven't seen your dad for almost a year now. In the two weeks with him, I want you two to have fun, I will call you in the weekend, half way thru the vacation once, and then I will see you guys in two weeks.  

But no, she just wants to "intrude" because that's what my husband does, when he called once a week.... she is a nutcase. 

Anyways, we never hear from the boys, they never call us, not even on my husband's b-day, and my husband actually doesn't call either. Or they aren't home, she is not a home body, plus when he does call, the boys aren't really interested in talking.... so he kinda let go.... it's a slap in the face for him. Right now, he pays the child support, and that's it. It's sad that it is this way, but there isn't much we can do about it. Unfortunately, his ex wife loves the situation as it is... 

This year, my husband and I hope to get pregnant, and start a family of our own.... I don't have any children... we don't know, how she will react but it could get ugly.... Right now, it is very "quiet" we haven't heard anything from her, since Nov.  As long, as nothing occurs, we won't hear from her. But when it gets closer to the summer vacation ,and my husband decide that he wants the boys to come, it might get ugly again. It's a struggle to set up a date with her.... 

Two years ago, we had to re-arrange our schedule 3 times, because she kept changing on us. So, at one point my husband said, ok, let's do it, on such and such date.... then suddenly she starting crying real loud... he thought like, oh my, here we go again, what did I do wrong now.... he just suggested a date... well, as it turned out, it was "their wedding date" he totally forgot about that, it isn't part of his life any more, and now only our anniversary date counts. Anyways, she thought he was crude and cold about it, and said but that's our anniversary date.... He just ignored her, and said, will that day work for you two, (and her hubby!!!) Yes, she was already married to somebody else, for almost two years, and so are hubby and I.... there is just no way of dealing with her, so we just rather not deal with her at all... 

From one side it's sad, because the boys are actually great children, just too bad that they are so spoiled... but they have a father figure in their lives, and they are doing well in school (all A's), and sports, so it is actually better this way... Maybe when they are older, they will understand the situation a whole lot better. Their parents just don't get along. My husband is the most wonderful husband and/or father you could think of... When the children were young, he took care of them, since his ex traveled 3 or 4 days per week. The oldest was only 3 - 4 months old, when she went back to work, and left the two of them " home alone", for these 3-4 days a week, and after 11 months added on number two.... So the first 5 years of their lives, they were pretty much raised by their father, who did a great job. 

When it comes to discipline, I stayed out of it, as much as possible. Of course, we haven't seen them for almost two years now, so right now, we have no clue whatsoever... but when we lived nearby, and saw them every other weekend, my husband diciplined them when necessary. If he wasn't around, I would say no, I would send them to their rooms, if they did something they shouldn't do, but these were "punishments" hubby and I agreed on. It isn't easy being a step parent, and dealing with an "ex". Our move, definitely helped our relationship, because in the beginning I had the feeling I was living with the ex as well.... But hubby and I are on the same page, about the majority of things when it comes to the children... 

I read a posting today, regarding college... well, we will not be paying for their college. My husband had to pay it himself as well, even though his parents did have the money, and he was an only child. But we feel that we pay enough in child support,  so the ex can put money aside for that. We wouldn't spend that kinda money on our future child(ren) on a monthly basis.... She makes good money, and actually doesn't  "need" his money, so she should be able to provide it for them.... 

She already promised them, to buy them a car, when they are 16, so she might as well add college to it..... 

Unbelievable, same story, different family.... I am sorry to hear, what you guys have to go thru, it isn't easy. 

I didn't even bring up the in-laws, but my husband's parents are the same way....  

My husband told his parents, that if they wanted to see their grandchildren, they should call him, and he will make arrangements. In the beginning, hubby and I, as well as his ex and children lived in TX, and his parents in MO, so not really around the corner. We tried to prevent to have his parents really talk to his ex, because she is a nut case.  

When my husband went thru his divorce with her, she literally abused him, physically, mentally, emotionally. My husband has pictures of his legs, bruised, from her hitting him with a rake!!! while he had his arm in cast, from having surgery... but he would never hit her back, but just leave the house.... 

If I would have been his parent, I wouldn't want to deal with the ex at all, no matter what.... I would stand up for my son, no matter what his age is. You disrepect my son, you disrespect me. When he told his parents about this, the only thing is dad said, was, well, I don't know what you did to her!!! I went nuts, when I heard that.... if he would have a good relationship with his son, he would know, what kind of gentleman he is.... 

But his mother is not that way. His ex would call her constantly, because she needed a shoulder to cry on.... I thought that was ridiculous, and she should go to her own mother, instead of the in law. But his mother is a two face.... and will talk along no matter what you say. 

His parents had never met me, but his father already had an opinion about me. He told my husband, that I only wanted to marry him, so I could become a citizen.... I am from the Netherlands. Well, it isn't that easy, first you don't become a citizen by marriage, and second, this man has never met me, and already thinks the worst of me... guess how I felt, meeting them the first time.... 

Anyways, his mother would still go around us, and set up something with the ex. Saying they would come to TX, and woud stay with us, and hoped that the boys would be there too.  Then when my hubby would call his ex, she would start raising hell, about certain plans we have, and she wasn't aware of, and it took him literally 3 days to set up a time and date to meet.  

My husband talked to his mother several times, about how difficult she made it on him, by getting involved. He would get emotional on the phone, tears down his cheeks, just too much stress going on. He really is a sweetheart. So, then I got on the phone with the mother in law, since it became all too much for him. I explained to her what the ordeal is. She then told me, that she used to spent every holiday with her grandchildren, and so why should that stop now !!! I am telling you, she just doesnt get it. I told her than too, that her son was used to spending every holiday with his children as well, but due to the divorce, that just isn't possible anymore.... and she needs to stand beside him, which she doesn't. Then she started crying, telling me she didn't want to make it difficult for him...  So, at that point I told her, that I can't tell her what she can and can not do, since she is an adult, but if she keeps the relationship going with the ex, then I will prevent a relationship between her and myself, because that's what I can do... The point is, that the mother in law, and the ex are buddies, but also talk about my husband and I, and our relationship, which to us is a BIG No No... 

And this happened... there is no relationship between his parents and us.  

In the meantime, we had to move to OH. My husband lost his job, while we lived in TX. So of course now, we can't tell his parents, that they need to come thru us, when it comes to the boys, so they just contact eachother directly. We also heard, that the ex and her new husband, spent the nite, during Xmas at the in laws. Just all so weird in our eyes.  

My husband never felt part of the family growing up, it was all about his dad. He just kinda hobbled along, even though he was an only child. He really doesn't feel any different right now, because his ex and the grand children are above him. He is glad they (his parents) are kinda out of our lives, he felt obligated to visit them, when he was still with the ex, due to the children. But since that's not the case anymore, we don't see the need to visit them. We send b-day/xmas cards, and a phonecall once in a while, but only when they call us. I have talked to his mother twice, in the last two years, and only because I answered the phone without checking ID.....lol. 

Another thing about the father in law is, that when they came over to visit us, like for Thanksgiving, they would stay with us for 4 days, Thu-Sun. Well, he would sit in front of the tv, holds on to the remote, and doesn't say a word.... During the meals, he can only talk very negative... I don't need a person like that in my house. So, I told my hubby, that people like that are not welcome. When I have friends/family over, I expect to have certain conversations with them, have fun, socialize, but definitely not being ignored... No matter, who this person is, his parents or mine, they are just not welcome. I don't need that negativity in my life. People that are dragging me down.... Life is just too short. Hubby agrees... 

His mother is telling his ex, that I am wearing the pants in the family, and my husband does whatever I tell him to do.... Hubby and I are now, laughing about it, because it is so not true, plus we know we can't change them, the ex or the parents. The last two Xmas holidays they invited themselves over, to spend a few days with us, and both times we declined. We really don't feel the need to spend the days with them.... it supposed to be fun. 

Anyways, the plan is that I will stop working , when we start our own family. I don't like the idea, of working 40-50 hours per week, and missing out on all the fun stuff, raising a child. Especially the first few years. We truly believe, we can't be honest about that, with the in laws, or the ex, because of their reaction. Hubby's ex will definitely be jealous, because she did have to go to work, 3 months after birth. She wanted to stay home, but they just wouldn't make it financially... If the ex would find out, I stay home, there is a big chance that she wants to take him back to court for more money, just because of that reason. She will say, that since I can stay home, we should have plenty of money, and she can have some more.... She still compares our lifestyle to what she had with my husband, which is not even close to being the same. They really lived two different lives under the same roof, while right now, hubby and I are doing everything together. We commute to work, go to the gym after work, spend the weekends together, and just have tons of fun.... just being around eachother. We both love to stay home, while she can't even sit still for 5 min. with a book....  

It's good that we live over 1100 miles away from eachother, as well as the in laws, so that way we can tell them whatever, and there isn't really a way for them to find out what really is going on. We tried so many times, to have a "friendly" relationship with the ex, it just isn't possible. So instead of keep trying we gave up, and decided we are not going to waste anymore time on this. It's just not worth it. 

Thank you for your advise, and no, the ex would probably never see the child(ren). My husband has changed a lot, when it comes to his attitude towards the ex. In the beginning he was trying to keep everybody happy, (especially the ex), not seeing that he was hurting my feelings. I kinda had to point it out to him, that it is not his job, to make her happy. She lost that right, when they divorced. He then also recognized, that that is not his job, and really changed things around. Right now, he doesn't take any BS from her anymore, something he did for the 8-9 years they were together. She noticed it too, that he changed... and I LOVE IT.... she can't get away with anything anymore. One day she called, and then at one point, she said, well, that whore of yours.... click, he hung up, he is not gonna listen to that.... then three days later she called back, and said, hello, how are you doing... He then said, fine, but before we go any further, I would like for you to apologize, for calling my wife a whore.... click.... she hung up....... only to call back 10 minutes later to apologize... she is such a looney.... but he won't take it anymore, and made that clear to her, thank goodness. 

It is sad for the boys, but I believe they will come around, a few years from now, and see that we just didn't have a choice... They have seen the yelling and screaming, and how crazy the mother can get, and how I always kept my mouth shut, and never got into a fight with her.... even though I wanted to soooo badly.... She doesn't get it, that the boys are the "victims" here, and not us.... right now, there is nothing we can do. Some people say, that my husband shouldn't give up on his sons, and keep calling them, but he doesn't see it that way. When he keeps calling, and every time, the boys hardly pay attention to what he tells them, or hardly give any answers to his questions, it is hard on him as well... so he rather just not call, then being thrown in front of the bus each time... He has feelings as well... 

Hi, 

Thank you for your story, and reading this, I know I am lucky when it comes to my childhood.... most of the time at least. I am happy for you, for the relationship you have with your dad, cherish it..... that's just awesome. 

My parents divorced as well, when I was 3, and my dad dissapeared for ever, and paid once $300, that was it. I have two older brothers, who were 8 and 9 at that time. My mom met somebody else, who she married when I was 8. To me he was my dad, and I called him dad. 

My mom, didn't work, and so she was always there, when I came home from school. She made a big pot of tea, and had cookies, and we would sit down together, and chat. About anything and everything... Looking back, this is what I want with my (future) children.... 

Of course, there were some ups and downs, but overall not bad... 

I was married before, but no children involved... thank goodness. But the divorce was the easiest, best one out there. I really wasn't happy with my ex, and so I told him, it just didn't work anymore, and I wanted out.... Well, I went to a legal store, and picked up a package of legal documents for us to fill out. We sat down at the dinner table, filled it all out, and filed it at the family court for less than $200.... Six month later, he went back, for the final signature, and it was a done deal.... Divorce finalized for about $210.... this is like totally opposite... and the way I like to handle things, no matter what it is... I am just very matter of fact, and keep emotions out of the picture.... 

I have a feeling, that the ex of my hubby, is just interested in the money. She doesn't do anything, to motivate the children, in calling their dad, or trying to stay in contact. She just loves it, that her now husband, is called "dad", and she can "play" family with him and the boys.... The raising is being done by the grandmother, she is the one, that is there for the boys.... Right after the divorce, she moved away 125 miles, not easy for my hubby to see his kids, he still drove out there, every other weekend, and they were being dragged around, to aunts, uncles, grandparents, because she just didn't have the time to raise them. Instead, of deciding whats best for the children, like living with us, so they have a stable life, oh no... that wasn't happening. No stranger (me) is raising her children, plus she likes the extra income, even though, she made more than enough money herself.  The kids would ask me, who would be picking them up from school, the following day, while being with us on the weekend.... She doesn't understand that the only worries a child should have, is what/who am I going to play with tomorrow.... not who is picking me up, where do I spend the nite....  it is sad... so right now, it's better for us, to stay away, so she can't go crazy on us, and won't disturb the boys life..... 

I don't know exactly where to post this one, so I hope this is the correct one... 

For the last two years, my hubby and I have discussed/decided to have a baby. 

He is 37, has two children from a previous marriage, but due to the ex-wife and the distance, (1150 miles) he doesn't have a relationship with them.... I am 36 and don't have any, and REALLY would like to have a family of our own. 

Hubby made an appt with his urologist for coming April, and see if everything is OK, so he could go for a reversal; he had a vasectomy, 10 yrs ago. Now today, he dropped the "bomb" that he will cancel the appt. and that he decided that he doesn't want more children. He wants to enjoy life, go travel, etc etc. 

We have a great relationship together, we go workout together, have same interests, and really don't really argue about anything.... except now this. 

For certain things, we are in a different stage of our life. He actually hardly traveled, while I have seen half Europe, and made many trips here in the States/Mexico/Caribbean. His childhood sucked, not having siblings, and having a mother that has one priority: her husband, his dad.... still til this day no real relationship with them. It was just never about him.... 

So, now he wants to really start to enjoy life, and have the materialist things, while I have done all that, and would like to start a family.... this is where we are very different. 

He told me today, he was getting tired of this "back and forth" thing, over the past few months, and he needed to stay focused on his job, which was really hard.... I told him, that he is the one that is going back and forth, not me.... I know what I want... so he said, well, I made my decision, I do not want to have any more children... We just need to "move on" and enjoy life... Easier said then done... He is the one that made the decision, based on his needs and wants, so of course, he can easily say that we need to move on.... But what about me, I just need to "give in" and ignore my desire to have a family, and hobble along with his needs and wants about travel, bigger house, nicer car, etc.... 

I told him, that well, great that he made the decision for himself, and I will let him know, what my decision will be.... he asked what I meant with that.... I said, well, you made the decision that you don't want to have any more children, and I just have to say sure, I agree.... No, for 2 years now, we have talked and decided to have our own children, and just because today, you say no, no more, I just have to put my feelings to the side, and agree...  

He was a little shocked about it. He is like great, so now, I have to wonder for the next few months, if my wife will stay with me, because she might want to have children, and I don't.... well, that's not a good way of life..... 

What is he thinking... Just because he is ready to "move on" and concentrate on us only, and his work, that I am ready too, just like that... I don't think so.... 

I have no clue what to do next. Yes, we have a great relationship going on, and a great life together, but I am really afraid, that that will not be enough for me. I would love to have a family, and raise a child together... I am afraid that when I am 45, that I will regret not having children.... Yes, we will have less money to spend, but you get so much back.... 

Do I forget about my wish for having children, and just enjoy the two of us, for the rest of our lives.... and have all the materialistic things I want.... or do I pursue my dream of wanting a family.... with or without him.... 

You have done your part....  

Somebody that wants to "start over" but doesn't want to include you, doesn't really want to start over. 

To me, it isn't even worth the effort anymore.  

Don't include people in your life, that will emotionally/spiritually drag you down... You want people in your life, that uplift you, those who make you, your hubby and children HAPPY...  

It seems like, your MIL doesn't respect her son, your husband. Otherwise, she wouldn't have the contact she has with the ex... 

Life is too short to be miserable. Concentrate on your family, and let her slide.... If I would be in your husband shoes, I would have told my mother to quit calling. I would tell her that I am committed to my wife, and children, and if she can't accept that, then she will have no part in my life... The spouse comes before the parents, in-laws, etc. 

Don't fight the battle, it seems like there is no battle to fight, as long as hubby and you are on the same page.... that is the most important thing right now... It really isn't worth it, to get on that rollercoaster with your MIL... at one point it will only get worse..... Let it go......... 

Good luck.... 

You are doing absolutely the right thing. 

You will notice, a few weeks from now, you will feel so much better, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. 

I have done the same thing with my mil... She is buddy buddy with my husband's ex. I told her, that even though I can't tell her what she can and can not do, I can decide for myself what I do. And if she keeps the relationship with the ex that tight as it was, there would be no relationship between her and I.... Well, since the ex and mil are still "buddy buddy" hubby and I have distanced ourselves from the family... girl, life is WONDERFUL.... no headaches, whatsoever... 

The in-laws have invited themselves, already 3 times for the Holidays, and 3 times we declined... We really don't feel like having them over. The fil is really an a-hole, he will come over for a 3-4 day visit, but doesn't say a word, unless spoken to, which is during the meals, otherwise he just watches tv all day long... he totally ignores both of us... I don't want somebody like that in my house... I expect to be respected in my own house, plus a little conversation would be nice.... if not.... you can stay away, family or no family. We both don't need that in our lives.. 

So, right now, birthday/annivesary/x-mas cards are being sent back and forth, and hubby talks to his parents maybe 4 times a yr... I don't talk to them at all. I tried in the past, but all they can say are very negative comments, or they tell the ex whats going on in our lives. So, hubby talks to them about the weather, other family members, and that's it. His parents have no clue what is really going on in our lives. It's sad, but they chose to have this kinda relationship.... I told them, I lived 33 years without them, I can do another 33, not a problem.  We can't trust them, and if they choose the ex over the son, then we are so done with that.... 

Based on what I went thru, no, never again.... 

I must say, my relationship with hubby is great, but it wasn't like that in the beginning... It actually had nothing to do with the children, but very much so with the ex... she tried to interfere with EVERYTHING, especially with the rules we had set for the children. (the children did accept me since day one....) 

One day she called my hubby, and said, I heard, the boys were only allowed to have 2 popsicles when they were at your place. When my husband confirmed that, she tried to tell him that the boys should be able to eat as many as they want to, and if the freezer was empty, we needed to buy more!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How about that.... and this is just one example, of the 100's of issues we had with her.... 

So, no, I would never ever get involved again with a man, who has children, unless they are already adults and on their own....