Messages By: irishmom

 Hi! I'm brand new to this site today and it's my birthday so be kind. :o)  I don't have any toxic family relationships currently, however, my family relationships were toxic my whole life up until about a year and a half ago when I remarried.  My biological father was an alcoholic and drug abuser who abandoned me as a child because of his addictions.  At the age of 5 I witnessed one of my mother's boyfriends come home drunk and beat her, almost to death.  All I could do was cry in the other room and watch.  My half brother had/has brain damage and diagnosed with hundreds of different disorders ranging from ADHD to Scizophrenia.  He tried to kill me when I was around 6.  I married at age 18 to someone who was also an alcoholic and abusive.  After growing up a little getting out of those bad situations, I evaluated my life.  I could see that I was following in the same exact footsteps as my mother had and I knew that she was not happy.  A year and 4 months ago, my biological father, whom I had only met a couple of times growing up, ended up in the hospital.  At the age of 45 he died of Cerosis of the Liver and Hepatitus C.  To make this short, I just want to tell everyone out there, that although he was the source of so much pain growing up, I'm SO glad that I was able to stand before him on his death bed and tell him that I forgave him.  He did not ask me to, and it really wasn't for him; it was for me.  Abuse is very serious and we should not put ourselves in harms way, but we should try not to hold onto ill feelings toward the person who is wronging us, because in all realtiy, we become our own abusers when we do that.

I couldn't help but offer my opinions on these controversial questons.  As far as breastfeeding in public, I have to say that I was very nervous when my daughter was born because I didn't  think  I would   feel comofortable breastfeeding in public, but it's different once you have your baby.  I think that there are two extremes when it comes to breastfeeding in public.  Breastfeeding is natural and beautiful, not to mention essential to your child's health and well-being.  However, we do need to hold some standards of modesty in public.  I believe it's perfectly ok to breastfeed in public, as long as you are covered up.  I always kind of cringe when I see the woman who walks into the grocery store with a baby on her breast, baring it all for the world to see.  To me, breastfeeding is something sacred and should be done with some sort of modesty out in public. 

I DO NOT think that schools should be handing out condoms.  That is sending the WRONG message to children and I don't think it's the school's place.  Parents should be teaching their children about sex.  I think when we leave such topics up to a school to teach, there's bound to be chaos.  Our schools have enough trouble teaching our children in reading and writing.  Leave sex education up to the parents.  There are other places that children can get condoms if they so wish to do so.  (such as Planned Parenthood). 

I also do not belive that anyone else has a right to discipline your child if you are there.  If  your child is with another parent and you are not there, they need to be able to discipline your child. However, it would be a good idea to discuss acceptable discipline methods ahead of time.  I think if you are out in public and your child is acting up, it is nobody else's business to step in.  I know there have been many times I have WANTED to step in, but to do so would be rude and really wouldn't solve a thing except to offend the parent, which in turn would probably make things worse for the child!  If you see a parent abusing their child, however, then it MAY be appropriate to say somthing. 

Not knowing all the details, the best advice I can give is to keep your children away from the neighborhood children if they aren't good influences.  Do you attend a church?  If so, try to set up "play dates" for your children with children from your church.  It would be an opportunity for you as well to interact with other adults.  If you don't attend church, you could try looking for play groups in the area. 

I can tell you what worked with my two girls.  When you first start out, put the potty in the bathroom right next to the toilet, and everytime you need to go, bring her in with you and have her try.  After a couple of weeks, I brought the potty out into the living room (so they could be the center of attention).  I brought them to the store and let them pick out their own "big girl underwear".  In my opinion, they learn much quicker in underwear versus pull ups.  It's a bit more work, but worth it in the end.  My middle daughter picked out Dora underwear and I said, "Now we don't want to pee on Dora do we?"  When they wear underwear instead of pull ups, they can tell when they're wet easier and therefore, learn faster.  I think the most important thing is to MAKE IT FUN!!!  Don't get upset or try to push too hard because it will backfire.  (It happened to me).  When she does go on the potty, do a "potty dance" around the potty and make her feel extra special.  You might feel silly, but it worked for us! :-)

 Thank you for making the word CHOICE in bold....there are some instances when a woman has no choice but to bottlefeed.  I had to bottlefeed my first two because I was a single mother (going through divorce) and had to return to work one week after giving birth.  Because I lived in a rural place where good jobs were scarce, there was no way to find a job that would allow me to pump.  Now that I am remarried and have a 4 month old baby, I am able to stay at home with all three of my children and breastfeed for the first time.  It is amazing and makes me wonder how I ever bottlefed my other two, but I know I had no choice at the time.  Now that I do have a choice, I know that breastfeeding is the best and I wouldn't have it any other way.

When I first had my baby, I went into the bathroom to breastfeed to get "privacy"....someone who walked in was still offended.  Just goes to prove that you can't make everyone happy.  Someone will always have something to complain about, so I don't care about "privacy" anymore.

 The girl complaining about overweight people really disgusted me.  First of all, the girl just wanted to be on T.V....she just sat there like a statue.  Secondly, not all overweight people are overweight because of their own wrong doing, and "stop eating" is not an answer to the problem.  I gained 105 pounds between my 3 girls, and it's hard to loose weight!  Sure, I suppose it's my "fault" I got pregnant, but I didn't get overweight simply by sitting on my butt eating twinkies all day.  Losing weight is hard and is something to be proud of accomplishing, and people are MUCH harder on overweight people versus short people.  She proved that herself!

 I personally don't let any of my children sleep with us at night.  We have a queen size bed and I wouldn't sleep as well being nervous that I'd roll over on her.  Plus, a husband and a wife need "alone" time.  Sexual relationships are an important part of marriage.  I do (and did with my other two when they were young), however, let them sleep with me during nap time when my husband is at work.   

 I know you've probably heard this a million times, but it's SO important!  Be consistent!!  There needs to be set consequences for misbehavior and no matter what, don't back down!  It's easier to give in, but don't!  We have three children, ages 4, 5, and 4months.  (Our 4 year old just  turned 4).  We used the 1-2-3 Magic method with them and surprisingly it works like a charm!!  When we first read about it, we thought it was the biggest load we'd ever heard, but we tried it anyway, and we saw results immediately!  I highly recommend the book.  It's called 1-2-3 Magic.  It's great at addressing "stop" behaviors.  Don't argue, yell, negotiate, or explain.  Simply say, "one" when he starts throwing a tantrum.  Wait a few seconds.  If he continues, say "two", and if he continues again, say "three" and send him up to his room (or some other "time out" place) for time out.  (one minute for every year of age, so it would be 3 minutes for your son).  They catch on quickly, and soon, they will stop before you get to 3! 

 Tell your roomate you aren't the maid and he/she needs to clean up after herself!  (your husband too for that matter!)  Mothers have enough to keep up with.  There's no reason others can't carry their load.