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wierzb
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October 3, 2005, 1:26 pm PDT

Divorce

Quote From: blueonblue

Five years ago my husband's attitude and behavior changed dramatically after a lengthy business trip requiring several weeks away from me and our children.  No, he did not have an affair (his sex drive decreased gradually over these years), he simply had a taste of freedom and loved it.  He rarely ever travelled on business before this.  We recently separated after he refused to seek counseling either as a couple or on his own.  During our 23 year marriage, we rarely argued and never fought.  He says he no longer loves me and feels he's missing out on something by being tied to me, yet still tries to "share" his travels, social schedule, etc. with me.  I discourage this lately.  He is still a sloppy dresser and looks unkempt so he obviously isn't trying to impress another woman.  He has grown a mustache and goatee thing.  After 10 weeks apart, my life is finally coming together and I doubt I would take him back, but I haven't shut the door on that option just yet.  A part of me still loves him.  There is no other woman involved - he just wants the freedom to do whatever he wants (golf, roller skating, partying, skiing, etc.) whenever he wants.  (He did all these things before but not with my approval.) He no longer has to feel guilty about leaving me at home while he pursues his interests and has to answer to no one now.  He still supports us financially and sees our daughter (13) fairly often.  Our son (he's 19) could care less about his dad.  I have lost a lot of respect for my husband, but over time I am making a new life for myself.  I recently got a part-time job I really like and enjoy the company of some wonderful friends.  My husband has no friends he can talk to, only 3 meddling sisters who encouraged him to leave me if he was unhappy.  His two other siblings absolutely disapprove of his behavior and have told him so.  Is there anyone else who has experienced this with their hubby?  Is there any hope he might come to his senses?  I don't intend to grow old alone, but don't want to give up on a 28 year relationship and then regret it.  Apparently many men do not feel THEY have to honour their wedding vows these days.  I never imagined my husband could be so selfish as to sacrifice everyone else's happiness for his own.  People we know simply cannot believe we have separated because we had such a wonderful marriage.  They also can't believe that he could ever do such a thing to us.  I'd love to hear from other wives who've survived this ordeal. 
I am in the same boat and don't agree with Dr. Phil's thoughts.  Selfish is my husband's middle name too.  After 21 years of marriage, he has this tremendous personality shift from a family man to a single life 'I want to be alone and do my thing' attitude.  No reasons why except that he is confused.  We tried marriage counseling and the counselor dismissed him on the basis that he wasn't even trying to rectify things.  He then filed for divorce and I am proceeding accordingly but now he doesn't know what he wants.  He just turned 70 and I am beginning to believe there is a latent crisis of men who do this when they age.  He has chronic illnesses but seems not to consider that in his actions.  It sure would be nice for us victims of this to be able to understand why husbands do this late in life.  Are they trying to recapture their youth?  Thoughts welcome
 
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wierzb
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October 6, 2005, 6:47 pm PDT

Divorce

Quote From: ritehere

 I think many men, and women too, feel that time is running out. They feel that there are stones unturned and they have regrets. I think this is the cause of so many "mid-life" crises. Even the most loving, responsible people can fall prey to this.  As long as the spouse is not hunting for a new mate, try to be understanding and supportive.  You may even have a few adventures together again.
Under normal circumstances, I would agree with you, but what about the spouse he has left to wanderlust?  Midlife crises or not, that hurts especially when I have been a tolerant (more than tolerant) spouse and have put up with a lot of emotional abuse.  When I finally convinced him we needed marriage counseling, he swore at the therapist and walked out.  And now you tell me I should be tolerant, compassionate and understanding?  NOT.  Yes, I am lonesome, but guess what the bonus is?  non hurtful days for me and no abuse.  I would just like an explanation as to WHY and then I can move on.
 
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