Messages By: jandrus

My husband and I are not poor, but we aren't rich either. We don't have the luxury of taking vacations to exotic destinations, purchasing new vehicles every year, or keeping a full wardrobe updated with the latest fashions. Our recent wedding ceremony was about $3000 for 70+ people, and we thought that was a bit lavish. We do have a sense of class, but we don't let it rule us. Our plans for the future include purchasing a good chunk of land to build a small house on, learning how to garden and preserve our own fruits and veggies, raising enough small livestock to last us each year, and eventually incorporating enough "green" or energy-efficient technology in our living (such as solar energy, composting, etc.) that we won't have to depend on the government for water, septic, energy, or food. No, we aren't end-of-the-world fanatics or paranoid folks. We just can't see ourselves happy with a 3,000 sq. ft., $350,000 home, brand new SUV's, and in debt up to our eyeballs. We're strong believers in working to live, not living to work. We will both work our little butts off until I get my B.A. paid off, we get our land and house (which we plan on staying in for a LONG time) paid off, and we feel like we could survive on one part- or full-time income. Then we will do what we enjoy: entertaining guests and family, gardening, camping, keeping various poultry and goats, enjoying nature, and living a generally laid-back life. What are your goals? 

Other people are different. Some people actually seem to like moving from one expensive and not totally-paid-for house to another. Some people thrive on tropical cruises and European tours. Some people don't mind living paycheck to paycheck, always one or two paydays away from homelessness. Then there are the people that have been so well trained into our materialistic society that they can't see any way out of their debt or current lifestyle, or that they don't really need all the fancy toys and treats they buy to keep themselves happy. I can't leave out, as a final addition to my list, those who lead luxurious lifestyles because their income allows it. Sure we'd all love to have more money, perhaps even be fabulously rich, but for 97% of us it won't ever happen. C'est la vie. 

Learn what kind of person you are. What makes you tick? Do you need a manicure once a week? Can you see yourself working 70+ hours per week? Do you require at least two carats on your person at all times to feel whole? Do you even use those vacation days that you keep collecting? Do you plan on retiring at age 45? Can you feed your family on $20 a week if it comes to it? Do you like to always have the latest clothing, vehicle, technology, and high social status? Do you enjoy providing your own food and entertainment? Would you be happy with used clothing and other items? Do you see yourself staying put or jumping from place to place, job to job? Get to know what you want out of life before you decide to pair up. As Socrates said: Know thyself. Then you can get to know someone else and start blending your lives together.  

It's so sad that so many people are entering into a marriage or partnership without discussing essentials like money, family, labor, and life-goals. These are necessary topics. I can't see how something so huge could be tucked out of mind until after a crisis has reared up.  

It sounds like you haven't talked this out with your husband at all. I would start by making a complete list, mentally or on paper, of all the money-related and other problems that you have. Look at everything on your list and prioritize. What really steams your kettle, and what could you really just let go of? Figure out why these issues or topics made your list. Is this a problem that only you can solve, or do you need to involve your husband in the solution? Maybe you can solve your employment problem by hiring a good head-hunter to track down that perfect, well-paying job. Or maybe you and your husband are suffering from a lack of communication and you both need to just sit down one evening, lay it all on the table, and hash it out. If you think you could be suffering a chemical imbalance, or depression-related symptoms, then seek professional help. There are so many great therapists out there that would be able to talk you through your problems or prescribe something that will help you live a more normal life.  

Obviously I'm no pro like Dr. Phil, so don't listen to me if you don't care for two cents from a stranger. But please do something to help get yourself out of this misery. I haven't read all of his stuff, but Dr. Phil's books generally have some really good information. You can often find them at garage sales, used book sales, or libraries. He takes a very logical approach to solving problems, and forces you to think about all the ifs, ands, buts, and whys.  

My last comment on this: You have to be happy before you can even attempt to make anyone else happy. You are the most important person in the world, so take care.  

I would be horrified if someone, or a whole slew of someones, was following my every move trying to get a picture of me or my family to worship or sell to some sleazy magazine. I think that celebrities who have a problem with stalkarazzi's should all get together and pay other people to give the stalkarazzi's a bit of their own medicine. Take pics of the stalker's private life and send the pictures to all of their friends and relatives, bosses and employees. See how much they enjoy it. 

Then again, that would just be stooping to their level. I guess all any decent person can do to try to stop this horrific business is to refuse to be drawn into watching Entertainment Tonight or buying one of the many entertainment magazines that litter check-out lanes. 

Then there are the people that obsess with celebrity lives. That makes me so sad. Sure, they are drop-dead gorgeous, showered with gifts and praise, living a luxurious life that we can only dream of... but wouldn't you rather make something of your own life than try to be some pale copy of a famous person? I know it is said that mimicry is the highest form of flattery, but geez o petes. The odds are just not in your favor.  

And just look at the people that all the others want to emulate. Many of them inherited that life, or were discovered in extremely rare, chance events. And many of the people everyone wants to be like are so plastic. It's all showbiz and drama and make-up. Why can't we have astrophysics idols, or celebrity botanists? Maybe it's just the geek in me, but I would never give up my life of scientific research for fake body parts, constant pressure to appear perfect in public, and shooting the same scene hundreds of times in hundreds of ways just to get a perfect take. I wouldn't want to be idolized to the point where people cried at the sight of me, always bug me for autographs and interviews, or stalked me because the media has put it into everyone's head that I'm the newest hot thing of the day.  

Learn how to love yourself, for that is the only way you will ever find happiness and be able to pass it on to others. 

Forget religion. Forget societal pressures. Forget stereotypes. Now look at someone else. Look at a gay, straight, bisexual, white, black, yellow, fat, skinny, diseased, healthy, rich, poor, single, or partnered person. Do they still feel? Do they still love? Do they still share over 99% of their genetic material with us? Yes. We're all people. Respect yourself and everyone around you, or you can be darn sure others won't respect you. 

On a side note: I'm cool with religion. I don't mind other people having a different belief system than mine. What I can't stand for is people spouting off their ideals and demanding that everyone ascribe to the same beliefs as them. Please be considerate of the diversity of people who come here. Not everyone believes in your deity, and some do not believe in deities at all. There are other ways of stating your beliefs, comments, ideas, and criticisms than by insulting and mocking. 

Homosexual folks are pretty consistent in populations world-wide. No matter what country you look at, which belief system people belong to, population size, and whatever other factors you can think of... it's always around 10% of the population that is homosexual. It is normal. Whether you like it or not, it's a natural thing to happen. It's not only a strictly human phenomenon either. Did you know that at certain temperatures you can make groups of male flies form long mating chains? Did you know that there are species of fish and other organisms that can alter their sex to accomodate their community? Ever seen a hermaphroditic banana slug mate with another of its kind, then watch them each chew off the other's penile projection so the other can't mate again? Nature is full of fun quirks, and homosexuality is one of them. 

So what if we don't know what causes it. We'll figure it out someday. Most scientists are split between whether it's caused by environmental pressures or genetic changes. Nature vs. nurture. Homosexuality is a fact of life, and for anyone to deny that is just completely silly.  

Even more silly is for someone to think that their beliefs should come before personal freedom, equality, and respect for our fellows. Marriage should be something that anyone can participate in. It's a union between two people who love each other. I know that's beside the point, but it is very important.  

For those of you who seem to have veered off topic... here is a great bit to consider: 

Homosexual folks are pretty consistent in populations world-wide. No matter what country you look at, which belief system people belong to, population size, and whatever other factors you can think of... it's always around 10% of the population that is homosexual. It is normal. Whether you like it or not, it's a natural thing to happen. It's not only a strictly human phenomenon either. Did you know that at certain temperatures you can make groups of male flies form long mating chains? Did you know that there are species of fish and other organisms that can alter their sex to accomodate their community? Ever seen a hermaphroditic banana slug mate with another of its kind, then watch them each chew off the other's penile projection so the other can't mate again? Nature is full of fun quirks, and homosexuality is one of them.  

So what if we don't know what causes it. We'll figure it out someday. Most scientists are split between whether it's caused by environmental pressures or genetic changes. Nature vs. nurture. Homosexuality is a fact of life, and for anyone to deny that is just completely silly.   

Even more silly is for someone to think that their beliefs should come before personal freedom, equality, and respect for our fellows. Marriage should be something that anyone can participate in. It's a union between two people who love each other. I know that's beside the point, but it is very important.  

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I just thought I should reiterate that because it is pertinent to this topic. I welcome any intelligent feedback. Please don't repeat any more religious bushwah as that only incites pious people. We can all talk about this in a secular way. I would be interested if someone would take the initiative and post some peer-reviewed data on this subject, or if you all would take a few minutes to just browse through the plethora of well-written articles on homosexuality. There really is a lot of good stuff out there. Educate yourself, then come and wow us with your newfound knowledge.