Home Message Boards

Messages By: nobodygood

nobodygood
User Mood
Scared

Message Emote
blank
October 4, 2005, 10:07 am PDT

I'm back

  I'm sorry I left the way I did. For those of you who are wondering who I am, nobodygood = worsethan0.
 
Read Replies to this Message
nobodygood
User Mood
Scared

Message Emote
blank
October 4, 2005, 11:16 am PDT

Hello again

Quote From: bzbluiii

How are you feeling and are things going any better for you?  Since you changed your username I wish you had chosen something a little more positive.  Of course you are good I wish you could see that.  Somebody said you might have been in the area of the hurricane, is everything ok?
Hi bzbluiii , I'm feeling about the same as ever. I haven't had the courage to do anything to change my situation. It's easier to live like a prisoner since I've done it just about my whole life. It's the only way I know how to live. I'm sorry about the negative names, but is how I feel. I live in the Northeast....in New Hampshire far from the south, I feel sorry for all those people. They sure have changed this site. So, how have you been?
 
Read Replies to this Message
nobodygood
User Mood
Scared

Message Emote
blank
October 4, 2005, 5:33 pm PDT

Childhood Sexual Abuse

Quote From: bzbluiii

I'm glad to hear you weren't in the middle of that hurricane; I think I must have been confused about that.  I'm doing ok, good days and a few bad ones.  I'm sorry you feel like a prisoner.  What kind of changes do you need to make in order to be free of that?  I know fear does things to us that we don't like and finding a way to face the fear is difficult.   Sometimes our minds think things are far worse than they really are and even though it is frightening we have to take a step every day toward facing the fear and making it disappear. 

The only change I can make at this point would be to go to the police and hope they are able to protect me. I don't put much trust in people to protect me though. I'm hoping my abuser will die a  

most painful death and then I wouldn't have to worry about him anymore, of coarse that wont happen though. Wishful thinking! I understand what you mean about fear, it plays a big part in my 

life and I know that I have a choice, I can let the fear keep me prisoner or I can fight it and put my abuser back in jail where he belongs. I've never been a fighter though, I never quite acquired the family backbone, was always the shy, quiet, afraid to speak up type of person. Still am too. It's sad really, absolutely pathetic. But as long as I stay in my home nobody can hurt me!  
 
Read Replies to this Message
nobodygood
User Mood
Scared

Message Emote
sad
October 5, 2005, 6:37 am PDT

Please Help!

 Due to childhood experiences and an abusive first marriage I have always been afraid to speak up when something hurts me. I am now married to a wonderful, loving, caring man and I know that he would never do anything to intentionally hurt me. The problem is, is that during foreplay he gets carried away and his loving gentle touch turns into excruciating pain. I'm afraid to say anything and just try to block it out. Sometimes he can sense that something is wrong and he'll ask me what's wrong and I always say nothing's wrong, when I really want to scream out that it hurts! I know that I should be honest with him and just tell him but I can never bring myself to speak up.
 
Read Replies to this Message
nobodygood
User Mood
Scared

Message Emote
blank
October 5, 2005, 8:49 am PDT

Childhood Sexual Abuse

Quote From: bzbluiii

Nobodygood, that statement has me worried.  Your abuser is hurting you everyday that you stay home and are afraid to go out.  He hurts you over and over by still controlling what you do.  I guess you mean nobody 'new' can hurt you, that you won't make any mistakes, that you won't have to make any decissions, that you won't have to give anything of yourself to others.  Staying home is not good for YOU and that is what you need to do is take care of YOU. 
 I thought I was taking care of myself, I'm keeping myself safe. Living this way is for my own good. I don't know how I can explain this, the reasoning inside my head seems so logical. When I first experienced abuse at age 5 I was threatened into complying and I did so for fear that he would do what he said he would if I didn't. Since that day I have always done what I was told because of the fear of the things that would happen if I didn't. If I were to go out and be put in that situation again I'm afraid that the fear would take over again and I would feel like that same 5 year old all over again fearing that if I didn't comply the most horrible things would be done to me. I don't trust my ability to confront my fear. Does this make sense?
 
Read Replies to this Message
nobodygood
User Mood
Scared

Message Emote
blank
October 6, 2005, 5:51 am PDT

Childhood Sexual Abuse

Quote From: bzbluiii

 Your emotional development stops. It is arrested at that point because now, no one can ever touch you and you can never touch anyone without being suspicious of the motive. Every hand that's laid on you, you learn to be paranoid about. And that's a child's mind that decides that. And so you don't develop things like empathy. You don't develop things like the ability to care and love yourself. And let me tell you, this isn't about forgiveness. This is about healing ... You have been damaged mentally and emotionally. It's just like if you were a child that never learned to walk, you would still be crawling. And emotionally, that's what happened to you."

   

Ok, so my situation is worse than I thought. I'm 34 with the emotions of a 5 year old, great. I wonder if Dr P has any books out that would help me through this. I know I should get professional help but at this point I just don't feel safe to venture out and seek it.
 
Read Replies to this Message
nobodygood
User Mood
Scared

Message Emote
blank
October 6, 2005, 6:47 am PDT

Childhood Sexual Abuse

Quote From: lookin4hlp

What you said in your other post does make sense.  I can understand it.  The thing that helps me is to think of that mindset as a little girl coming to you for help.  What would you as a protective adult tell her to help her?  It is sometimes hard to think of it that way because it's you.  But if you can do it, you may find out what you need to do from yourself.  I am so much better at protecting and taking care of others than I am at taking care of myself.  That process of thinking gets my protective nature to work for my more vulnerable, powerless side that must be a 9 year old emotionally.    

I don't know about Dr. Phil books, but one book that might help is Getting Through the Day. 

You know you need someone that is trained to help you.  You have to trust yourself enough to protect yourself now that you are 34 to get what you need.  I am working on that for myself and it is not always easy, but I know I must do it to have a chance at something better. 

I never thought anyone would understand, I have a hard time understanding myself sometimes. Thank you so much for the advice, I will try that and I will try to get that book and read it. I know I need a lot of professional help it's just a matter of finding the courage to get there and the money to pay for it. Thank you again, it's such a relief to know that someone out there understands!
 
Read Replies to this Message
nobodygood
User Mood
Scared

Message Emote
blank
October 6, 2005, 7:48 am PDT

Get out!

 If you're in an abusive controlling relationship you need to get out and now! I wasted 11 years with my first husband. I always thought he would change but it only got worse. He was mentally and emotionally abusive and was extremely controlling. I wasn't allowed to go anywhere or have friends, I wasn't allowed to buy clothes when I needed them, I wasn't allowed to go to the doctors or the dentist when I needed to. He would tell me how dumb I was and how worthless I was. If I didn't fold his clothes just right he'd throw them on the floor and make me refold them. He went to take a shower once and there was a speck of dirt in the tub, he dragged me into the bathroom and shoved my head in the toilet. It just got worse and worse. I left him and after a week I felt bad for him, I thought he'd change knowing I'd leave if he didn't so I went back to him, big mistake! If you're in this kind of relationship you need to get out! Things will not change, they wont get better! LEAVE!
 
Read Replies to this Message
nobodygood
User Mood
Scared

Message Emote
blank
October 6, 2005, 8:40 am PDT

Childhood Sexual Abuse

Quote From: bzbluiii

You do make sense and I can relate to what you are saying.  I'm sorry for your situation.  There are times when I slip into that thinking of closing myself off to the rest of the world too, but family responsibilities pull me out and I know I have to push myself out the door.  I know you have a very frightening situation, but please seek help from professionals, whether it is a therapist or the police.  Is your abuser still in prison, or has he been released?  While he was in prison, was your fear as strong as it is when you think of him being out?
My abuser was released from prison back in 2001 which I don't understand why. He was sentenced 10 yrs to life, I thought that meant he was going to be in prison for life. I remember we had to be escorted by the police away from our home because his father was threatening us, we had to move to different motels so he couldn't find us. He was mad at us because my brother witnessed the murder and was the states eye witness. I just thought he'd always be in prison. I am much more fearful now that he is out. I remember the threats he made as if it were yesterday. I know what he'll do if he finds out I said anything. Even if I went to the police now and he went back to prison, the threats would probably start all over. It feels like I'm in a no win situation.
 
Read Replies to this Message
nobodygood
User Mood
Scared

Message Emote
blank
October 6, 2005, 10:30 am PDT

Childhood Sexual Abuse

Quote From: lookin4hlp

No wonder you are so scared.  I am so sorry for what you and your family went through and how it continues to traumatize you.  It is not fair that this person is permitted to roam free while you are feeling like the one in prison now.   You cannot control him right now and maybe you shouldn't put pressure on yourself to do that now.  What I mean is, you should focus on taking care of yourself first and then decide if you can do anything more about putting him back in prison.  I don't know if that's even a possibility.  Is he threatening you now?  Do you have any contact with him?  If he is an immediate threat, you do need to involve the police to protect you.  Can you carry on without seeing him?  I know you feel threatened by the thought that he could seek you out.  That cannot stop you from strengthening yourself.  Do you know what I mean?

I know what you mean. I'm not sure if it's possible to put him back in prison either, it's been over 20 years since the abuse. He's not threatening me now, no contact with him yet. I'm afraid of him finding out that I had told about the abuse. He doesn't know where I live but it wouldn't be hard for him to find out, any of my relatives would give him that information because they are unaware of the abuse. The only reason I'm talking about it here is like someone told me the first time I came here "nobody will know who you are". I still have to be careful what I say in here though or people could figure it out. I was going to post a url about my abusers release but that would have given me away if a relative of mine were to be in here. It's hard, very hard to feel safe anywhere. 
 
Read Replies to this Message

First Page | Previous Page | 1 | Next | Last
Return to Message Board