Messages By: natagirl

My husband and I have a healthy relationship, and we could never imagine ourselves with anyone else.  We dated for 7 years before getting married, and are going to celebrate our 2 year wedding anniversary at the end of this month.  Here's the thing: we never had a sexual relationship until 6 months before our wedding, and just about 2 months into our marriage I became pregnant and did not feel in the mood for sex and in general did not feel good.  Somehow we got through all of that, maintained a sexual relationship--but one in which I was frustrated because he just wouldn't leave me alone and would molest me (in my opinion) in hopes to magically get me turned on.  I would just break down and give in to him to get him to leave me alone afterward.  I was also upset that he worked so much to where he mostly did not have any days off from work after we returned from our honeymoon, so there were times that in my pregnancy I was sick and he wasn't there to help me out.  I guess at times I resented him for putting his job before our relationship, yet expected me to be a sex goddess when he was around! 

  

After I gave birth to our daughter, things were not too bad, and he actually started trying to be more sensitive and listen to what I told him would help me get in the mood.  But lately I am dreading sex again for another reason: oral sex.  For months he went on and on talking about it, how much he wanted it, etc.  But I always was grossed out--maybe because of some hygiene issues I have about bodily fluids and germs--and he couldn't understand that.  But one day to show him how much I do appreciate him in my life, I surprised him by giving him oral sex--with plastic wrap!  I know that sounds weird, but I didn't know what else to do because I didn't want to actually put his penis in my mouth.  I also have a thing against swallowing hair, and I would really freak out if I swallowed a pubic hair. 

  

So now I created a monster and my husband wants oral sex every time we make love.  For a while, he started having edd to where he'd ejaculate prematurely, and he was really embarrassed about being in bed with me.  He wanted me to perform oral sex instead.  Feeling frustrated rather than glad, I gave in.  I understand the whole plastic wrap thing is not even attractive, but I couldn't think of what else to do to combat my issues.  Finally I told him I'd consider using flavored condoms if he still wanted me to do that for him--so he bought some and we tried them out.  I really have no incentive to even give him a blow job, and when I do it I can't wait until I can be done with it!  I know that sounds horrible, and I don't know what to do about feeling that way.  I know that I would NEVER want him to give me oral sex, because that too grosses me out.  But what has been really bothering me lately is that he is trying to get me to put more of his penis in my mouth at a time, and as it is I feel like I want to gag, but I don't want to tell him that and offend him.  What should I do?  I'm so afraid that everything is falling apart and I just want to have fun in the bedroom but not have it to be just oral sex and having intercourse.  Could someone give me some advice? 

Hey there, and thanks for replying, even if you were unsure of helping me!  I have to say that I had to think about what I wanted to respond to your question, because I am not entirely sure I've let all that go completely.  That said, I should mention that initially, I knew my hormones were all across the board after having our daughter.  That alone makes for an emotional meltdown.  In fact, I have varied in my hormones so badly since having the baby that it sometimes has affected my monthly cycles.  I did talk to the doctor about that, and he said that birth control would help.  I was going to look into an IUD, but then found our insurance wouldn't cover the procedure at all and I figured we would just use alternate methods.  For the hormones, I've simply adjusted my lifestyle a bit to boost my moods.  But it also took a lot of soul-searching with what I wanted out of the marriage, what I wanted him to do to get me in the mood, what I loved about our relationship, and how I needed more help with our child.  It was hard at first, because even now he still can get too excited and forget to be more sensitive, but I have to say we've come a long way.  When I thought back to how much I loved him back when we were dating, or even when we got married, I kept those thoughts in mind more often, and forced myself to change my habits around him--i.e. taking the initiative to kiss him first, surprise him with bear hugs, stuff like that.  The non-sexual things that still show affection.  Because I still had feelings for him even with all the hormonal imbalances, but not to where I wanted to jump his bones!  So to me it helps to still do the small things so that it gets me moving. 

  

You might also want to see about changing your lifestyle with your husband so that you are able to go out alone one night a week to reconnect.  Plus, do one weekend activity together as a family.  We've tried to do that and see a world of difference in the way we treat each other--we simply can't help it!  I strongly believe in maintaining a balanced diet as well, because what we eat really does have the power to influence our mood.  Graham crackers with milk as a bedtime snack helps you unwind (I really am serious about that!) rather than alcohol that gives you a high and then a low.  Pasta can also boost your mood, as would protein.  But keep everything in balance to avoid unhealthy habits.  At one time, I wanted to be a nutritionist, so I had researched on this topic.  Now I'm more of a health writer instead.  Hope I was able to assist you in some small way--I know that everyone is sure different, so different things work for others.  This is just what worked for me.  And it's still a work in progress! 

Hi there, I know it's been a while, but I finally got my life back on track with my husband.  We are now enjoying a more fulfilling sexual lifestyle than we ever thought was possible.  It all started when one night we were actually arguing about each other's shortcomings, and how I was wanting my husband to open up to me to let me know his feelings, and he was saying how he wanted oral sex because he felt that that is the only time I would be giving him the attention to make him think I think he's attractive!  Well that was crazy in some respects, because I married my hubby for who he is.  I love him dearly, and it broke my heart that he felt that way.  So believe it or not, I prayed about the situation and that night itself gave him the surprise of his life!  *wink, wink*  Since that time, we have both been a lot more mellow around each other, and have actually had sex more often, better quality, and we are feeling like those months that we were robbed of during our honeymoon phase are the ones we are living in right now! 

  

The only advice I can suggest to anyone else going through an issue similar to mine is to really see what it is you are afraid of, and to see if you could see yourself without your spouse or not over the fear.  In my case, I couldn't imagine losing my hubby, and no matter what grief he might have put me through at times, he does love me unconditionally, and I think I sometimes have not come across that way even though I see myself as being so.  So I had to change my thinking, and in some way I think that changed his. 

As I write this, I am wondering just what kind of response I'll get back.  And I feel like I am being very revealing, and this is something I definitely don't like sharing out loud.  I have uncharacteristic body hair. 

  

When I say that, I don't mean some thin light hair that you don't even notice--I have an Anglo-Indian (Asian) background--so it is dark and coarse.  It's not just on my face, but is the darkest on my face, the back of my neck, and my arms.  I have always been teased about it growing up, even by family members.  My mom always denied she ever really saw any hair, which used to irritate me, but what also irritated me was how my dad would take it personally that I didn't want to look like him, and he never understood what I meant about the hair.  I've seen my hair in pictures, and was always nicknamed by kids in school as hairy or moustache girl, or monkey.  All I ever wanted was to fit in.  Seemed like my hair was always keeping me from having other girls accept me into their playgroups.  I did tend to have more friends who were boys, but there came a point where even boys would laugh at me.  I didn't start out having much hair on my upper lip--it was more on my arms.  That you can see very clearly in photos, and when I've compared it to my dad's arms, I'm embarrassed to say that they look the same! 

  

I have to say, I am happily married to a man who thinks I'm sexy no matter what.  He and I dated as teens, and he's witnessed and defended me during a brutal verbal attack on me about my appearance, so I know that I can feel totally safe with him. 

  

At age 9 my mother used to wax my underarms, but when I was around 16 or 17, I began waxing the lip, chin, and cheeks, and felt totally excited in being able to get all those hairs away!  When I first saw myself without my facial hair, I cried because I finally looked normal.  But I still had the arm hair to deal with, and never much wore short sleeved shirts in public until my hubby and I started dating.  At that point, I would use creams to make the hair disappear, but I would only get that done professionally so that I wasn't stuck in the bathroom so long doing it myself.  Having the long hair didn't make it easy for it to just fall out. 

  

Only when I was out of high school did I first get my arms waxed.  It was incredibly liberating!  The pain was worth it, and my arms felt so smooth and I was amazed at how much lighter my skin was without it. 

  

So why, do you ask, am I writing this?  Well, here's the thing.  I'm not one of those people who has problems with my image to where I want to keep spending money to look good.  In fact, I am wanting to do the OPPOSITE to look good.  I hate that waxing is not a permanent fix, and that I have unsightly stubble to deal with when the hair is growing back.  I hate that I have this fairy tale that evaporates so quickly after waxing, that just when I get the chance to be used to the smooth facial complexion and sexy arms, it's time to wax again.  It takes up so much time and energy to do it.  I know how to do all the areas I would get done professionally, so that I don't have to have it done professionally as much.  But it really tires me out, and I don't have all that much money to justify doing it very often.  So I go maybe 2 times a year to get everything done, and the rest of the time I wax only my lip and chin.  Sometimes I even use a cream on my arms, but then have to use a razor to scrape off all that long darn hair that just won't stop clinging to me.  During the summers, I do tend to have the pros wax my arms, and that can last maybe 6 weeks before it starts to be noticeable that my hair is growing in, and not just looking like I have some hair. 

  

So I would be happy to still have hair, if only it weren't so dark and thick.  I know body hair is normal and is there mostly for a reason.  But I hate that I have to wax my face now about once a week, and having a baby didn't make it any better on my hormones.  The vaniqua cream for hair minimizing did nothing but give me blemishes, and birth control did nothing either.  I am afraid to invest more money on trying to just maintain myself from looking like a orangutan, only to have it not work--like laser treatments or some of the other things that have been touted to be guaranteed to work over time. 

  

Is there anything that you could foresee could help me????? 

First off, I apologize if this doesn't quite fit on here.  I couldn't find just the right topic board to ask this question.  So please bear with me! 

  

My husband and I have known each other for 10 years, and I love him for him, not for what he looks like.  He has always been a slightly overweight guy, he admits that, and loves life and food and I'm ok with that.  I am totally opposite him in weight, and my family sometimes has been superficial about his size versus mine.   

  

We've been married now for nearly 3 years, and I know that even before we got married, he's been trying off and on to lose the extra weight.  I try to motivate him, but I don't push it.  I don't want him to think that I only see him as being attractive if he's thinner.  There for a while, he did start dropping between 5 and 15 lbs, and I could really see him start to have more vitality to him. 

  

Let me say that the only reason why I would even want him to be thinner is so that he can be healthier.  His father died of a blocked artery-induced heart attack, and the man was like 500 lbs or so, and the men in the family were prone to having heart hardening.  This was a couple of years before my husband and I got married.  When he passed, that scared everyone into wanting to be healthy.  I know how much my mother-in-law struggled and my husband did too, in trying to look after my father-in-law because of the health issues he had in being obese.  My husband used to have to give him baths, and help him dress/undress.  I know he hated it, and I know he wanted to make sure he didn't have that happen to him. 

  

Well, I notice that my husband is big boned, so it's not like he is too much overweight.  He IS prone to laziness sometimes, which is the pitfall from being in a profession where he is working strenuously for an extended and often unknown amount of time.  It leaves him to just sit on the couch and eat when he is home.  We have tried to eat healthy in our home, and do limit the amount of fats we consume.  I think we do a pretty good job, but the exercising I have to force him to do.  In fact, he hasn't exercised, and I actually think that because of the physical demands of his job, he really doesn't need exercise, but he needs SOMETHING.  What, I don't know.  He tried diet pills before, and it scared him when he started having side effects.  He feels good when he's on vitamins, but so far it's seemed to make him horny and not less hungry. LOL 

  

My reasons for wanting my husband to be thinner are: 

1. For him to live longer than age 50 and be there for our daughter and other future children we might have.  I don't want to outlive him and get stuck trying to still parent a bunch of kids when all it took was him looking after himself better. 

2. For him to feel healthier.  He often is tired out, has sinus problems, mostly breathes out of his mouth, and doesn't like doing many physical activities.  I hate to see him suffer like this! 

  

So what can I do, and am I crazy to be concerned??? 

I agree with the top post! 

Hi there--if the reason why you don't believe in it, divorce isn't considered a bad thing if it is done with a few things in mind.  People who are unhappied in marriage should NOT stay together "for the sake of" the kids, because that NEVER works if all the couple is doing is putting on a false facade in front of the kids to make things look like nothing's wrong, and the kids are not stupid--they will pick up on the underlying tension in the house and react on that.  So don't underestimate your children!  Also, it is not wrong to divorce if you are trying to keep your children from danger or a bad lifestyle.  I mean, if all else fails with your trying to work things out with your husband, that is.  It sounds like he is uncooperative, and that is hard to handle.  I'm sorry you are going through that!  Have you ever sought counseling before to see what was suggested you both do to try and repair your marriage? 

Oh yeah, and by the way, look how many Christian marriages are just as easily falling apart anymore...and many of the very people who feel that divorce is wrong are all the ones who are stuck in dead-end marriages!  I am a Christian, but had to endure my parents' own difficult marriage.  They are still married, but it has been rocky.  So many times I wished they'd divorced.  I know that today is different because my mom prays consistently for my dad, more and differently than what she ever did in the past.  I truly believe that has made an impact, even though my dad is agnostic.  And I know that if any marriage has an unwilling Christian partner or non Christian who doesn't want to help the marriage, then divorce is not wrong.  It is a case of being unequally yoked in that instance, and sometimes you don't even know that until after time goes by after being married.  Some people only show their true colors then, or change for some reason or another.  Sorry for blabbing about faith on here if it offends anyone, but that is just my humble opinion...