Quote From: plagefilleI believe controlling mothers (and fathers) need to let go or they might end up chasing away all the people who love them. My mother was (and is) very much like the mothers on the show today. I believe her low self -esteem etc. was a major cause in her problems. Now my parents are divorced and my dad is non-exist. My mom lives with my grandmother and my youngest brother, she works as a CNA and has no propects for anything good to happen in her life. And as of last night I was chased away, literally.
I never felt as though I good measure up to my parents expectations. When I was a teenager I always tried to explain that we were good kids, we did not smoke, do drugs, drink, party etc. I had great grades and I participated in swimming and church activities. However, I still thought I needed to be better.
In collage I became so overwelmed that I eventally was suspended for bad grades. Apparently that took the pressure off because my parents left my alone when it came to school issues and when I returned to school I graduated in a 1 1/2 with almost all As.
But then I got married (planning the wedding was horrible in itself) and I have an 11 month girl. Now my mother trys to controll my baby's time and my life as a mother. She lives 2 hours away but wants to see me at least once a month. She gets mad if I do not plan to come for holidays and when I try to split time with my inlaws she makes me feel like I let her down.
Anyway last night when I was at her house I wanted to spend some time with my in laws but she assumed I agreed to do Halloween with her. (My inlaws assumed the same thing and they are now mad at me also). There was a fight between my mom and I. She held my baby weeping because my baby doesn't know her! She threated to take my baby if I left. So i left and drove the 3 hour drive home in the dark with only my baby.
As of this moring my mother left a message that she should just die because her kids all are leaving her alone and that I never have to see here again. She eneded by saying she will send my brother up in a rental car at christmas.
To be honest I am not mad at anyone. I just was trying to make everyone happy and ended up making everyone mad. I only want to have my own life. I wish my husband would get a job accross the country so I can get away.
I only hope that I do not do the same things to my children.
(by the way my brothers feel much they same way)
OMG!! I think that your mother is channelling mine!
My mom was upset that I decided to go to university. After all, a woman is supposed to get married and find a nice man to look after her, and education just makes people snobs, and BLAH BLAH BLAH! She even had my husband picked out for me when I was 17. She still brings him up when we talk, and that was nearly 20 years ago! If I hear 'why did you dump H.' one more time, I think that I will lose my freakin' mind!!!!
When I told her that I was pregnant (deliberately and happily unmarried to the father for the last 10 years), we had a huge fight. Even though this happened at my house (my partner's name is after mine on the deed), WE left because she wouldn't, even after my partner threatened to call the cops and have her removed. The worst part was that my two youngest nieces were there and heard the whole thing, even though I sent them to their room when the fireworks started. I was two months pregnant and didn't see her again until I was nearly nine months.
Anyhow, my babe is now eight months old, and we see my folks every couple of months. I refuse to see her when my father isn't there. The practical advice that I have for you, since our mothers sound so similar, is to not catch her guilt when she tries to throw it at you (my mom does the same thing ALL of the time). If that means not communicating with her until she backs off, then so be it. If she wants to put your brother in a rental car and send him up for Christmas, that's her choice. Make sure that you invite your grandmother, too. Eventually, your mother will get tired of sulking and want to come and play with the rest of the family again. When she does (or earlier, through another relative if the vieled suicidal threats are a regular thing) suggest, lovingly and gently, that she get some help for her depression. My mother has actually improved since starting medication.
Just remember what Dr. Phil always says, "We teach people how to treat us".
You're a grown woman, and your mother will only treat you as badly as you let her. I know that that's very hard to beleive, but it's true. Things with my mom have very much improved since I stopped letting her put me down! And yes, I do know that it's easier said than done.
Best of Luck!!
