Messages By: marciek

I am married to a man that is verbally and  emotionally  abusive, and controlling.He has two faces though, the one he uses for friends and people at work, and the one he has for me. At one point about 15 yrs ago, he was physically abusive too. My mother in law is pretty much the same....hateful,manipulative and controlling. Over the years my husbands verbal abuse has gotten a little better. I have had the nerve to tell him a few times that he has crossed over the line....and I wouldn't take it. But it always comes back.

5 years ago I found out that his mother owns half our house...and I own nothing. Mind you, I knew she was on the deed, but I was told she only owned a small portion of the home, about 10%. A short explanation.....in 1985 (before I met him, she gave him money for the downpayment for his first home. She would only agree to do it, if he put her on the deed. So he did. Then I came into the picture. I moved in with him, married 3 yrs later, contributed the whole time with work, and money When we were building the house, he told me he had to put her on the deed again because he still owed her money. Told me that if I wanted my name on the deed I better plan on paying the mortgage. I made 900.00 a month....the mortgage was 1100.00. I said I couldn't afford it, so he said
"that's ok....you don't need your name on the house.....you'll be protected by the marriage". So, he and his mommy were on the deed. I have always contributed (Ihe makes 10 times what I make) and paid my own way.  Anyway , I find out she owns half the house......and here's the real kicker.....
she gets my house if my husband dies before her.  When he told me this I started to cry and said "but what about me, and , How did this happen".  He said "you have the life insurance, and if you don't knock it off  right now I'll take you off of that and then you will have absolutely nothing".  Then,
about 6 months later, my mother in law calls me (2 days after 9-11, and , she lives in NYC) and thereatens me saying "If anything ever happens to my son...you will have to live in an apartment because you will be poermitted to stay in MY house."   She has been totally paid back what my husband owed her, and she won't QC.  Also, she has never contributed a dime to this house. Not one dime. My husband refuses to take her to court, SCREAMING AT ME THAT "IT WOULD KILL HER".  I think he is a liar, and they did this on purpose.

He always makes me feel like a nothing, that nothing I do is of any value. That nothing I have done for the last 17 years has meant anything, and he never said a word to his mother about threateneing me. I have seen 2 different lawyers, a divorce lawyer, and a good real estate lawyer. I do have grounds for divorce, and to fight for half of the house. I am so fed up with these 2 Narcisstic people I cannot even tell you.  Oh, and like one of the gals on today's show......I fell down a flight of stairs in April and shattered my heel, tore all the ligaments in my ankle, and even now I need a crutch to walk at times. He has made me pay all the medical bills. Always make me pay whatever he can get me to pay for while he makes 93K a yr and saves 1K a month. One minute he's sweet and kind, the next I'm being screamed at for misplacing a tool. I am slowly saving money, have gained online access to a joint account, and am making plans to get out within  the year. I have a large dog and a cat, so finding a place to live will be tricky. And he and his witch of a mother will make the divorce hell, but, I think I have the law on my side. AT least I hope so.

 Most (95%) divorce lawyers offer free consultations. Get one or even two or three. During my 1st divorce, I had NO MONEY either. My attorney got the judge to order my husband to pay my legal fees, and he did....he had no choice.I think that is the case in most states. I live in CT, don't know if it's the same where you live, but filing for legal separation or divorce freezes all assets (except money to pay the lawyers) and starts the ball rowling to possibly get you temporary alimony and child support. YOU DO HAVE RIGHTS!!!  Finding this out for yourself will make you feel more empowered.  Going it alone will not be easy, but find a way to bring in some money of your own. I taught myself how to cane chairs, and 3 years later I'm making descent money, and I can do it from home. Think of things you're good at, and like to do. Can you also make money doing it? It will empower you also, and make you feel sooo good about yourself. If taking that step to file for legal separation is too frightening, just think that what's ahead will just be more of the same.

 I am also married to an engineer, and not to badmouth all of them, but they do tend to be micromanagers, sometimes without even knowing it. Todays hubby only seemed to "get" a small portion of what Dr. Phil said to him. Robin's comments were "right on". My husband used to complain constantly about the way I did everything, especially load the dishwasher.  I gave up and told him "if you don't like it, you re-do it, but don't complain to me about it". Our marriage has several serious issues, all relating to this hierarchy he feels he has in our marriage. This husband today is just like mine....it's all about them, and no one else. They have the right to tell you how to do anything and everything. I hate to say this, but these types of men (and there are women who are also like this) are very dense to get the idea that this is degrading and controlling. Thank You Robin for what you said to this confused and inconsiderate man. I hope it made as much of an impact on him as it did on me. It  only clarified for me in  my own situation that I deserve better than I'm gettting too.

 You are making perfect sense. I am in the exact same situation. My husband is a mechanical engineer in the aerospace industry. Over the last 17 years he has pummeled my self image down to a grain of sand. I have been making very large strides in the last year to overcome and heal my self image. A friend bought me a book   "Foolproofing Your Life".  The bible describes these types of people as  "fools". Its a great book. I recommend it to anyone living with a control freak.

Anyway.... I believe that these warped individuals think they are doiing you a "favor" by telling you the  "RIGHT" way to do things. They only  "get it"  when they lose what they have (YOU AND OR/KIDS), and sometimes not even then.  Mine went so far as to give his mother my half of out house (unknown to me until 4 yrs ago) to control the divorce factor, thinking if I dedided to leave, I couldn't get any part of the house.  Guess What??  WRONG, WRONG, WRONG". While I am building my self esteem back up I have also started a business, and slowly my income is growing. I am saving money, and getting info on all of his assets, copies of everything, and will probably leave in the spring. I broke my ankle and heel in the spring and I'm recovering from that too.

My hubby goes from the nicest guy in the world.....to the most viscous person I've ever seen.He acts one way in front of people, and entirely different with only me. He has made me feel like nothing I have done for the last 17 years has mattered or counted. I have always worked, contributed monies, cleaned, cooked, and been a good wife. At 52, I am still in  Sz 10, own my own business, and take care of the house, the pets, and help pay the bills, on top of paying for my own expenses including my medcial bills (portions that are not covered my insurance)  None of it has been appreciated. I had to laugh at the engineers remark about the  "tools". Oh God.....that scene has been played out in my house soooo many time.  A year ago he went outside to chop firewood and came in screaming "WHAT DID YOU DO WITH MY SLEDGEHAMMER. IT'S GONE!!!"  I told him I hadn't touched it.......thinking to myself that if I found it 1st I knew exactly what I'd do with it!   "sure" he said. Five minutes later he came in to get something and said  "I found it under the tarp". I said 'I THINK YOU OWE ME AN APOLOGY"  His reply was  "for what?"
I told him what he had done was verbally abusive. He tried to convince me that I was blowing it all out of proportion, of course, it's always me.  I said it again...you owe me an apology.....and he finially did say he was sorry. It has happened at least 20 times since over something else missing.

It's never enough........enough money.......enough time........clean enough.......organized enough.......thin enough........smart enough........, and I doubt it ever will be. His mother is one of the sickest people I have ever known, so I know how he got this way.

 I think we should start an online support group for wives of  "controlling" engineer husbands. I am also sooo happy to hear what you gals deal with, which is exactly the same as I do every day.  Feeling more and more worn down every day is hard to deal with. Anyone game to start a group? If so, email me at  :virgolady5153@yahoo.com.  Marcie

 Some of us on this messageboard who identified strongly with Robin on Tuesdays show , have decided to form an online support group for those of us who are married to, or in a relationship with, a contolling/demeaning spouse or significant other. 

You do not have to be married to an engineer to join. Also, this group and its name are not meant to be inflamatory to engineers in general.   Its purpose is to offer support to women, and men who find themselves in similar relationships.

 The group address was blocked when I posted, so I respect  Dr. Phil's site for not wanting it posted on this board. You can contact me at: vigolady5153@yahoo.com for the info.

 Mandy  I sent you the info you requested on our new group over at Yahoo for anyone who is in  a relationship with a controlling spouse or significant  other.

For anyone else interested in joining us....click on my profile. My email address and the address of the group are there. Come chat with us!
marciek

 Weeks later I can remember how this show affected me. I felt so bad for this poor gal whose husband was making her so unhappy with his critical remarks. Robin's take on it was great, and I think made the hubby take notice. I am also married to an engineer and know that they tend to be very complicted and critical people. After the show  last week  about controlling people with Robin and her husband, some of us formed a support group for wives (and husbands) of controlling partners. If you're interested in joining us, click on my profile to find the link to our group.
MK

 Dr Phil has made me realize there are many types of abuse. For me it is verbal and emotional, and using money and my sense of security as a weapon. My perfectionist husband tries to control me, and I like others have seriously thought about divorce. Some of us who have posted here who have controlling spouses have formed an online support group . Anyone dealing with this issue or similar issues is welcome. If you're interested , click on my profile and look in the notes section for the link to the group.
M