Messages By: humblepie

I am a 40 year old married woman with three great kids. I am depressed about my child hood pretty much all of the time. I have tried everything to rid myself of this burden but can't seem to do so. I have a husband who is nice most of the time but we do clash in certain areas.  

My father was an alcoholic and my mother was critical and over bearing. I have to learn to live with this because I don't think I can change her after all these years. It breaks my heart that she will never be sorry for hurting me like this. I want to let go of the past but I can't. I want to be happy with my life but I can't.  

My friend told me that this was a good place to unload my feelings and just maybe get some help. I could use that because  I really need the hurting to stop for good. Thanksgiving brings up all of this for me. 

We had them here too but no one in command seemed to take them seriously. That complacency scares me and makes me sad too. I also read what you wrote about winter. Winter is a scary time for me as well, a time I worry and worry if I will get through it okay.  I don't drive and the thought of taking my children six blocks to school in the snow really brings me down. Today when I took them I came home with three big bags of groceries for thanksgiving. I was so tired and in such pain that I just kept stopping to have rests and cry.  

I am sorry to be running on. My friend said that this was a good place to do that. 

Dee 

You used to talk with but I can not say her name (she has asked me not to) but she has told me about you. That is all we can say, she is a good friend and I would never want to cause her pain. I am in Canada not the US and I am so sorry for all of the suffering that your country has had to endure. 

Thank you for welcoming me. 

Dee. 

I will try again tomorrow.  

All the best. Dee. 

I actually do have a buggy but was too stupid to think of it. I get up at around 6 to get the kids going and seem to be running from that point on. I have one somewhere in this messy house and I am going to make an effort today to work that out. Usually I buy only a few items at a time that I need so that I can keep myself mobile but I freaked out and bought all of this traditional food for my family's feast this weekend. 

My mother called me this morning and told me that she was worried about me. She hasn't talked to me in two months. Then she said she just called to tell me that they were all going to my sister's house. Was I invited to be with them? No. They think they have made great strides with me because she took the tie to call me and tell me where they are going. But would they invite me again? No. In a way I am glad because at least I can focus on my own nice little family. The thing is it still hurts me so much. Breaks my heart even. 

I have injuries on my hands as you do but they are old. I have arthritis too and that is hard as well. I guess I was just such a big crybaby over all of this yesterday and I just have o pull myself to together, and force myself to live with this all over again. It feels like I give myself this talk at least three or four times a year. I get better I get worse.  That is good that you thought of a student because I looked around for one but no luck.  

You are very kind to help me with this..although I get that you are also quite a toughy. I do like the idea of a volunteer, and may look into that. I am Canadian too, and you know what I will find out more about that. 

Thank you Mary! You help me to feel less ashamed of my limitations. 

God Bless! 

Dee. 

I am new here, well sort of, my name is Dee and I wanted to tell you that I have read many of your posts to Mar and to Tammy etc. I have been reading a long time before I came on here and my friend told me that you are a very supportive person despite all of the terrible pain that was inflicted on you as a child. I read your post a few pages past and I just wanted to say something to you... 

It breaks my heart that you are in a position where you feel you have to explain to everyone why you feel you have the right to be here. Everyone has the right to be here! You have suffered big time. It is not up to us to decide who is and who is not worthy of attention and support. You most definitely are and i commend you knowing what I know on how far you have come. 

Sometimes I feel so bad about myself, infarct I always feel bad about myself but sometimes are worse than other times. I have found a picture of me as a child as well, as a toddler tied up to a tree. They claim I was tied there to keep my safe from walking into the lake. I don't believe in my heart that is the reason I believe that they viewed me less like a person and more like the dog. I am hard pressed to find many happy pictures of me in my childhood and I always thought that it was because I was less than everyone else. Because I thought that I didn't deserve better. Through having my own family and building my own life I have realized that I do deserve better.  

I am sorry that you have lost your marriage but maybe this is a sign of better things to come for you in the long run. You can focus on you and your daughter and not feel you are not being trusted or appreciated by your husband. I can see you are a strong women, goodness you have to be, you will fine, and maybe I just will too. 

God Bless! 

Dee. 

It is very nice to meet you too! It took me so long to talk to everyone and now it is like I am probably saying too much! I just think that this is a special kind of place that ideally should be open to everyone.  

How are you feeling these days? I read that you were sick and also just had some OR. How are you feeling now? Much better I hope. 

Dee