Messages By: marhalee12

Ladies...I'm the adult daughter of one of these jackasses.  My father was exactly like Joan's "husband."  My mother not only put up with his controlling, abusive behavior for 23 years, but she forced my siblings and I to put up with it too.  Not knowing if we were going to find our mother alive or dead from day to day was torture.  He wouldn't "let" her bathe daily, wear anything other than pants, or go anywhere other than work (he dropped her off & picked her up) 

Joan...guess what-my father was so suspicious, jealous, and controlling because he was a sexual deviant...cheating on my mother with other women and then by molesting my sister (beginning @ 3 yrs old) and me (beginning @ 8 yrs old).  

If you think for one minute that your "husband" was sincere on this show today...don't fool yourself!  He's just trying to trick you into staying!!! 

If you don't care about yourself anymore, if you can't find the strength to save yourself-SAVE YOUR LITTLE GIRL!!!!! You have a choice here-she doesn't.  Give her a voice and set a good example of being a strong woman. 

P.S. Our only escape was that my father finally committed suicide 15 years ago-thank God!   

I am now 36 years old, and I am lucky to still have my mother-but I will always view her as weak.  She always put her "man" ahead of her own children...that's just unforgivable! 

Please, please, please...take Dr. Phil's help!  Relocate and change your name.  Don't let him find you, and for god's sake, don't take him back!  You deserve better! 

OK, Ladies-you have your choices and you're making them.  The sad thing is that the brave women before us fought tirelessly for you to have that choice.  They fought for your right to vote, for your right to have an education, for your equal rights under the law, for protection against discrimination and sexual harrassment.  And what do you do??? Revert back to the only choice that our grandmothers had?  What a waste!   

Hopefully one day our gender will be strong enough to enjoy the fruits of the strong women who went before us. 

Should be easy for most of you guys...you're used to living off the fruits of other people's labors, aren't you??? 

That is exactly right...but when your worth is based on how good a meal you can make or how clean you get a shirt???   

Sorry...but that is a waste unless you're getting paid to do it! 

Use your brain...not your broom 

You're being awfully preachy for someone who thinks that there is more than one way to skin a cat! 

A lot of women have careers now.  Some want to...some have to.  Either way it doesn't change the level of caring for our children...you really don't want to go there, Lady! 

The difference of the 45 year old "housewife" and the 45 year old lawyer when hubby leaves...the lawyer is going to move on without missing a step... 

Who's going to be sitting on her pity pot wondering what her options are now that her financial cushion is gone!  Um, maybe the chick scrubbing the toilet.  But then I'm sure Merry Maids will be hiring!   

LOL! Finally...it all makes sense. 

These SQV (status quo vehicle) driving soccer moms want to make those of us with a brain feel worse because they don't have the aptitude or ability to do any more than what they are doing! 

Geez...we should clone our eggs in an effort to bring intelligence back to the female gender! 

Dr. Phil, 

There has been a ton of discussion on the "Wifestyles" show...I wonder why you only had "traditional" roles represented and a short blip featuring a woman not wanting to marry. You left out a huge part of the country's female/married demographic-working mothers.  In my opinion, this is the group of women needing the most help in defining the roles in the household.  My suspicion is that your show is overly endorsing the "traditional" stay at home mom role of the 1950's June Cleaver era. 

I hope that you will rethink this position and communicate to the women of America the existance of and need for diversity in gender roles.  Over 50% of marriages will end in divorce.  In earlier times, a wife didn't worry as much about financial security because the divorce rate was next to nothing...divorce was considered a sin.  When divorce did happen, the woman relied on family, community organizations, and menial jobs to squeak by until she could find another husband to take care of her.  This support system is no longer a certainty for most women.  Spousal and child support is not a guarantee anymore...with world travel and new identities so accessible, husbands wanting to disappear can do so with ease. 

I feel that is important that you follow-up on this show... 

I certainly agree that the best possible scenario is for a nurturing parent (not necessarily the mother) be at home with children from birth-school age and that there should be a financial plan before the children are born, we both know that surprises happen (not always when it is finacially feasible for a family to survive on one income!)  Once the children are in school, the stay-at-home parent should hone up on their education and/or resume (even if it is volunteer work) to stay current in the marketplace. 

If the mother chooses to stay at home, she should realize that she must prepare for her own future and security.  She should make sure that she has an education and at least one marketable skill so that she could support herself and her children if she needed to.  She should make sure that the family is sufficiently insured so that in the event of the incapacitation or death of her husband, that she and her children are financially secure for a period of time.  My motto is "Expect the best, but prepare for the worst." 

Love your show, but get with the new millenium.  You may remember an important era in the country...happened in the '60's...the women's rights movement?  Good and bad news... the good news is that we now have equal rights under the law to be whatever we want to be!  The bad news is...now society expects us to be something!  No more weak female defense!  Encourage ladies to get strong and be able to stand on their own 2 feet.  Our worth no longer comes from how good our meatloaf is or how well we can starch our man's shirt! 

The next "Wives" show that you do should be to identify how society and the economy has changed and making men realize that traditional gender roles are now obsolete.  Encourage parents to teach their children (boys and girls) how to be independent...cook, clean, laundry, work, daily learning, communication, get them out of the "super ego" thought process, but rather think of others first.  Heck, the divorce rate may even go down!   

From personal experience, I didn't get married to become my husband's "mother!"  Such a thing can destroy the passion that you had before you had to start washing his dirty underwear!!! LOL 

Girl, I'm in the exact same boat...married 15 yrs, 2 active kids, 7 pets, and started a business a few months ago...  When I do get a few minutes the last thing I want is to have sex.  It's so hard to get out of "mommy mode" and into some sexual goddess mode.  I don't know about anybody else, but I need time to make that transformation emotionally.   

I don't know what the answer is, but I do that know that the following things are wrong in our relationship: 

-we don't get time alone together.  maybe we just don't make time because we have a hard time communicating that often we end up arguing anyway.  We can argue at home for free! 

-We don't communicate...flirting and laughing are important parts of a relationship.  I think that they are the things that make us fall in love in the first place. 

-There's no affection.  If we're in the same 3 foot radius, it's considered fore-play!  I would like more affection for no apparant reason! 

-Guys need to try a little... even though we're married, we still need to be romanced.  Don't just say..."are you ready? here I come!" 

-And lastly...he was much more attractive before I became his "mother!"  Can we really be excited over a guy for whom we clean his dirty underwear, bathroom aim problems, hear his nasty sounds, etc.?   

I think that  sexual issues are  more a symptom of other issues in the marriage rather than the cause of the problems... 

I don't think that it's mostly you...it's just life...take the good days (or weeks) with the bad and just do the best you can!   Sometimes I have to just poke myself to make sure it's still alive...LOL 

Hey Hon...just wanted to say how brave you are to get this out into the open.  It's so wonderful that your mom is supporting you.  Keep the communication with her open. 

My father molested me from ages 8-11 (I'm old now, 36! LOL)  He also molested my little sister from age 3, and a few of my friends as well. 

I always wanted to understand why...so I went into Forensic Psychology.  I guess I wanted a logical reason for me to know that it wasn't my fault.  Yes, I learned a lot of excuses...he was bipolar (manic/depressive), he was an alcoholic, he had been physically, emotionally, and sexually abused as a child.  He finally committed suicide when I was 22 (he didn't want to go to prison for continuing to molest my sister, so he punked out) 

Anyway, dear, there are no reasons why molesters do what they do...only excuses.  You'll find out with time, therapy, age, and wisdom that no matter what excuses they give, nothing explains the pain that they cause.   

Be kind to yourself...treat yourself like the princess you were born to be.  He doesn't deserve the time you would spend trying to figure him out.  Figure out yourself and what you want to do with yourself in the future.