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Messages By: shyhappy

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October 7, 2005, 12:52 pm CDT

breast feeding in public

 Your guest was right. Though she wasn't willing to make a political statement- I am. We have to start normalizing breast feeding as something natural so that prudish people are desensitized. Women were once accused of being immodest when showing their ankles- we don't need to be ashamed anymore. Women should not relegated to do normal things in hiding. If YOU don't want to publicly show your breast- you do not have to-- but mind your own business if others choose not to feel ashamed of their bodies.
 
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October 8, 2005, 8:54 pm CDT

The Other Woman

Quote From: aurora

 Hi, I'm in dire need of some advise. I'm 45  and have been divorced for 3 years.  My  problem is with a relationship I'm in now.  The guy I'm with was never legaly married but has lived common-law with two other women. He has 12 kids with #1 and two kids with #2. I get along with the kids ok. I have two kids from my former marriage also. All the kids are grown up . The majority of his kids all work for him and are living in housing and have everything all paid by him. #1 and #2 also live in housing and do absolutely nothing as he pays everything for them too. #1 has definite mental problems and lives in a fantasy where she thinks that he's going to come back to her, it's been over twenty years, he's since lived with #2 and he hasn't gone back. She's still here.  She's caused a lot of problems for me besides.  He allows her to get away with it too . #2 used to be a book keeper  for him but he found out she was embezzling funds. .He pays her a wage still even though she no longer does the books. About 5 years ago, he moved out to prvide care to his 90 something mother. he told me that it was a good excuse to get away from #2 in the hopes she'd move away. She didn't. In the last five years I helped look after his mom as well as taken care of his needs . I thought that things were over between him and #2 but when his mom past away, I was told that I wasn't to go to the funeral as I'd cause trouble. I thought he meant amonst his brother's, but later found out on the day of the funeral that it was because of #2. She never even went to visit his mom, nor has she even been around in all that time, she just showed up out of the blue. It was left up to me to drive all the way to where he was working to tell him his mom had passed away. Now his daughter is getting married. I was told I could go, but I didn't because he's still claiming #2 as a wife. I wasn't formally invited to the weding but the daughter had told me verbally to come.  I must be totally insane, becvause in spite of all this, I still love the man. He wants me to marry him, leagaly even,  so he says, but I can't help but feel that he's just stringing me along, I don't know what to do anymore, am i just a sucker for abusive relationships or what. Please if anyone anywhere has any advise, please post it here, thanks in advance.
 I am sure you know deep down that this is not working well for you. I don't know you- and don't have all the facts but in my view- generally speaking- when a man wants something, he gets it. By that I mean, although he says he wants to marry you- if he wanted to he would marry you- not talk about it. The talking about it seems to me like a good way to keep you interested and hanging on.

You can plainly see that he is stringing the other women along just that he sees you- and you are all falling for the same ploy.

After divorce it probably feels good to have someone just pay attention to you- and at 45 you're probably thinking this "promise" of marriage could save  you from being all alone for ever- but do you want this guy? Do you want to be always wondering if he has yet another girlfriend?

And why are you not even worth a real invitation to the wedding? Are you not even worth the paper it's printed on- and the postage??

I am sure you know what's right.
 
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October 8, 2005, 9:08 pm CDT

Sex

Quote From: fat_kitty

Hi, maybe you all can help me. Who knows?

Okay, here's my situation. I have known my husband for 12 years and we've been married for 6 of those 12 years. We used to have a happy and healthy sex life. Now? We haven't had sex in 2 years.

A little background:
We are both in our mid-thirties and don't have kids. We get along great and believe we are each others soul mates. Yes, there have been problems in the past. I'm not sure, but here are some things that may contribute to why we aren't having sex:

-My husband is an alcoholic. He has been sober for almost 10 months now. He used to hide the fact he drank and would go to great lengths to hide it from me. I felt betrayed and lied to, so this hasn't helped the situation. I understand it's a disease and he is very sorry he hurt me. He is doing great now and I believe we are stronger for going through this. Even though I feel better about us, there is still a small part of me that doesn't trust him. Could this be my problem?

-I lost 25 pounds. I feel great!! But there was a time when I felt fat and ugly and didn't want to be touched. Even though I lost the weight and feel so much better about my body, I still kinda feel that way. How can I get over it?

-The no-kid thing. We both do not want children. I have been on birth control pills and they all reak havoc on my body. I've been on 7 different kinds. We used to use condoms and a lot of the time, we didn't use anything. This would make me very, VERY nervous... almost to the point of where I couldn't relax. To me, I equal having sex to getting pregnant and that terrifies me! It terrifies me to the point of not wanting sex at all.

I love my husband very much. Other aspects in our relationship are great... but I know this one is a biggie, so I am hoping someone can give me some insight... any help at all is greatly appreciated. Thankyou.
 if you know your reasons for not having sex- then there's half of it. There are other bc options- as i am sure you know- a UTI can be installed and then you never have to think about it. . .for example. but if you both don't want kids, why doesn't he get a vasectomy? I am from Canada, and my husband hasn't had one- so forgive me if there is a HUGE cost associated with the procedure in the US- I don't even know what it costs here.

For help on your body image- you need some postive self talk- right? your husband can't fix that.
Sex isn't just about making babies- it's about being a healthy couple- so it's worth getting back on track. Your husband may assume  you don' t want it b/c of your past and is sick of getting turned down....you may need to do the initiating. then you could do it your way-- low lighting or something that might make you feel more comfortable in your own skin.

AND congrats on the weightloss- that is a true accomplishment!

 
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October 10, 2005, 8:39 pm CDT

gender roles

 I have a problem with gender roles.

I think people are individuals.  How two people divide up the work in a household should not be determined by gender.

For a while, my husband was in charge of ALL the laundry - eventually he got sick of laundry so we traded jobs- when I got sick of laundry we decided we'd each do our own for a while. From the first day we started living together we always grocery shopped together and this is something that has always worked.

To say that wives should be responsible for domestic duties because in hunter gather times the men went out and killed animals and picked berries while the women stayed home with kids- is a little limiting. It's nice to have choice and voice and we should all use it to set the terms of our relationships to suit both people.

If that lady and her husband are happy -- and she likes "changing her shirt and putting on makeup before her husband gets home from work,"  then good for them. I don't think she should say all wives need be like her. Live and let live.
 
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October 12, 2005, 7:51 pm CDT

10/10 Wifestyles

Quote From: gallen

I think I understand the crux of what you are saying in your post. 

I didn't see where you say if both of you are working, or both of you are out of work... 

  

I don't think that just because she is a woman, my wife must stay at home and be responsible for the household duties. We decided to structure our lives that way. I committed to make sure that she had a home to raise our children in, give her every tool she needed to do her job, and support her with her work. 

 All I was saying is that duties can be divided up according to what  works for any two people.  We need not be tied to traditional gender roles. For some couples the tradtional division of labour (women doing domestic duties, while men work outside the home) may be what works best- and for them- that's great.

Then I made reference to the specific guest who said wives SHOULD behave as she does. . .I think no one has the right to say what others SHOULD do. 

Because you asked, in my relationship, we have been taking turns:  one of us working, the other in graduate school, and because we both hate cleaning- we have a cleaning person come in every 2 weeks to do the hard stuff. We keep renegotiating the duties, as our lives continue to evolve.

To decree the proper duties of a wife is just nonsense- each wife is different and each relationship is different.
 
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October 19, 2005, 8:57 pm CDT

punishment

Quote From: djbart

My daughter has girlfriends that come and spend the night, however, when things get pretty chaotic while they are having fun, they seem to lose repect for my house and damage it. For instance, I heard alot of laughing and loud noises and I came up to see what was happening.  They said "sorry" and told me to look around the room.  What I saw was a hole in the bathroom door, as big as a softball"  I was shocked.  My main question is, how long and what should be the punishment for this? I do know who really did this but since it happened in my house and I was not witness to this I can not make the parents pay for this. Can anyone tell me what kind of grounding I should do. Because my daughter needs to realize and maybe she will tell her friends to be more respectful of her house since she's getting the punishment. 

   

Thank you   

 If it were my daughter- SHE would pay for the damaged wall, either with her regular allowance or through work around the house. AND no friends could come over for a very long time.

I would also call the parents and let them know that although you are not accusing their kids of anything, you know that some damage was done to your house when ALL the girls were over and so their daugher and all the friends in the gang were not welcome at your house for the time being.  I would be very polite- say things like, "I am sure you understand my position, I need to teach my daughter some respect for the house, etc." They will each handle their own kids and no one "gets away with it"


 
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April 3, 2006, 4:44 pm CDT

jessica's mom is DISGRACEFUL

I could barely stand to look at her. Whiney, defensive, worthless and selfish: that's jessica's mom. She really made me feel outright rage. I don't know why she scrounged up such strong emotion in me, but she really inspired disgust. Jessica- GOOD FOR YOU FOR DEMANDING MORE! You're worth it!!
 

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