Messages By: downey6977

I now realize that I can even thank him because he (and my time with him though I used to think it was wasted time...) helped to mold/make me the person I am today.... 

Well, there is good news and good news! The good news is, there are a lot things that can be done here from a behavioral aspect. The bad news is, I have no idea what is really going on in the situation. Anyone reading does not have any kind of background on what you do as a parent. Second of all, if the behavior, as you say, changes after seeing the grandmother... perhaps you should be questioning what is going on there.  

What do people think?  My husband and I have been separated a couple of months.  We have a 9 and a half month old little girl.  Things in our marriage weren't always ideal -- I wouldn't say he was abusive generally but there were about 10 really bad times (slapping, choking, pushing, shoving, breaking things, leaving me without transportation at restaurants, etc.).  Sometimes, I knew I shouldn't say anything that he might view as "testing" him.  But for the most part, we were ok and I wasn't living in fear.  These incidents didn't happen before the marriage -- they started about 6 months in.   

I eventually did something horrible -- I cheated on him a few times and I'm not really sure why.  Now, we're separated in part because I felt he was going back to that really angry place after our baby was born.  I've told him about the prior cheating and now he doesn't think he can forgive me, which I understand.  He is getting professional counseling and I know he's made progress with his anger, but I still dread the day that it all comes back.   

What really upsets me through all this is that he says he loves our daughter, but I haven't seen it.  I am taking all the responsibility for her and he says we shouldn't have had her because now we're ruining her life.  I am trying to be a great parent and I don't understand why he lets our bad situation affect his relationship with her.  I am afraid that even if we could forgive each other for the relationship issues, I would always have a grudge when it came to the way he's treating parenthood now.  We're both kind of uncertain about each other at this point.  We both have done horrible things and we are regretful.  He is seeking help and I am too.  But is it just time to say goodbye?  We have a lot of issues, but we also have our baby.  If we could both change and find ways to get over all the hurtful things we've done to each other, we could be happy.  But those are big "if"s given our situation.  What do you think?     The fact that we've been separated for a few months and still can't seem to have a slightly uncomfortable discussion without fighting shows me how hurt we both are right now. 

How old is your daughter? (rhetorical)

How old are you, the parent? (rhetorical) 

How old are the grandparents? (rhetorical) 

Why are the grandparents letting her do whatever she wants? When you entrusted your child to them, is it fair to assume that you have put them in charge of your child, and not the other way around? And if you know that this is going on while you are not there, and you know that is causing the behavior problems, why then are you still allowing them to treat your child like this?  

I'm sorry if that sounds snide, but that is the honest truth. You are the parent, you take control.  

On to something else you mention. The abuse that went on, and the inability to sleep with out you there... In terms of psychopathology (mental illness, irregularity if the word illness scares you) children are much different from adults in their expression of some things. So, it is hard to say what/why but there is almost certainly a link between the abuse and the sleep problems. (e.g. Post traumatic stress disorder... a common cause of chronic sleep disturbances). However, before running off to a child psychologist saying some undergraduate psychology major said to see you, if you haven't already, ask why she can't sleep alone. Not whether she wants or needs to sleep with you, but why can she? There might be some explaination (e.g. monster under the bed or something). If this is not the case, then seeking professional counciling might be nessicary.   

The reason I ask your ages, is not because it's important how old you are. What is important is that you and the grandparent are oldER than your child, therefore YOU are in charge the child's life, not the child and not the grandmother. And it seems that you try to establish that in your relationship with your child... hence the problem from one setting to another. But if the grandmother isn't doing so, why do you allow that kind of parenting (or lack there of) to continue?  You're damn right that's why your child's father is like he is today. His own mother never held him responsible for his actions, why should he feel responsible for his child? So if the grandma's parenting style (again, or lack there of) caused her son to act the way he did, which ultimately put you where you in this situation... WHY ARE YOU ALLOWING HER DO THE SAME THING TO YOUR CHILD? Frankly, you shouldn't allow her to see grandma. If she stops seeing grandma, it will stop reinforcing this "I can do whatever I want" mentality and the behavior problems will subside. Because that's what is happening here. She learns that she can do what she wants, and Grandma doesn't stop her (reinforcing the idea and behaviors). If you cut off the reinforcement, you cut off the behaviors. Everyone needs  allies/friends/social support in life, particularly children of single parents, but when that "support" really isn't supporting healthy growth and good behaviors... bye bye! It is much easier to cut that connection between her and Grandma than it is to change Grandma's parenting style (which she's been using her whole life!)  

Furthermore you need to explain to your daughter that people can't always do whatever they want or not want to do. "Man, this life thing would be a lot more fun if I didn't have to work so much." We've all thought something like that before... but we don't do it, we don't just stop working because we want to. Your daughter needs to understand we can't do everything we want all the time. Ask her, "What would happen if Mommy wanted to have fun and not work? Would you get food? Would you get to go ______ (some activity she enjoys)?" 

One more thing, regarding the sleep. Again, it is more than likely that the sleep issues have some connection to the abuse. Someone (be it you, or a professional) need to find out what it is she is afraid of. At this point, for all we know it could be "a monster under the bed." (By the way, easy way to fix that, take the frame way and just lay the mattress on the ground.)" But if you are not able to find out what it is she is afraid of, then someone (a professional) needs to.