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Messages By: elomboy
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October 31, 2005, 2:34 pm PST
 Quote From: nrsejenn I am sitting here with mixed emotions right now. I just watched the part of the show regarding Melissa and her two beautiful little boys. I do not feel as though it is anyone's business, other than the parent's, to decide whether or not the children are spoiled. It sounded as if Melissa's sister, Jessica, was jealous. She stated that her children wonder why they can't have toys like their cousins. Why should Melissa have to stop buying for her children? Why should she have to change for her sister's sake? I, myself, am a single mother of two beautiful children. I have a daughter, who is three, and a little boy, who is one. When I first had my daughter, things were very tough for me. Her father up and left me all alone. I had to skrimp and save for everything for her and myself. There were times when I wouldn't eat, just to make sure that she was taken care of properly. She had few toys, enough to keep her occupied, but nothing extravagant. I worked very hard, and put in alot of overtime, to get my feet back on the ground. I just got my head above water, and was in an absolutely wonderful relationship, when I got pregnant with my son. My son's father, however, had a dark side. A dark side, that he didn't reveal until I was pregnant. There was no way, that I was going to let someone like that in my children's lives, so..... Again, I was all alone. This time with two babies. Again, I worked and worked. My children are three and one, and we are very comfortable. I am not rich, but I am no longer struggling. Everyone thinks that I spoil my children. My family, friends, current boyfriend and his family. Everyone makes comments all the time about how many toys my children have for being so young. I don't feel as though they are spoiled, however, they have no wants for anything right now. And when they do, if their behavior has been well, they get rewarded. I want my children to have everything I didn't when I was growing up. I see nothing wrong with that. To an extent. I do not intend to grant their every wish as they get older, however, they are only three and one. I intend on instilling good values, and morals in my children. Along with teaching them the value of a dollar, and of hard work. I do say "no" to my three year old when she asks for something that is just not in the budget. This past summer she wanted the new Barbie jeep, I just didn't see the need to spend $300.00 on something like that. So, she got a big, fat "NO", for that request. When she asked, "Why," I just told her the truth. "Mommy just doesn't have the money for that right now." I really feel as though I don't spend outside of my means, I have never not paid a bill, to get my children toys. But, if I have the money, and I feel like getting them presents, I by all means, will do so. I like to spend my money on educational toys, such as puzzles and books. So what if my daughter is only three and has about twenty-five wooden puzzles, and about thirty of the cardboard kind. That is alot of puzzles for one little girl, but do you know who is the one who sits there and does all the puzzles with her? Me. And so what if my son is only one and probably has about twenty-five toys of his own, laying around on the living room floor, do you know who sits there on the floor and plays with him? And helps him learn his shapes, and learn how to walk, with his three different kinds of push-along toys? Me. As much as I am spending on these children, I am also spending just as much time with them. As I said earlier, in my mind, as long as I am not spending outside my means, I see nothing wrong with this. My daughter does have a friend that comes over to play and everytime she leaves, she keeps asking her mom over and over , why she doesn't have as many toys as my daughter. Well, then in turn my daughter's friend's mother calls me, and kind of whines to me about it. I feel bad for her, having to answer her daughter's questions, but why is it my responsibility to stop buying for my children, because she can't? There are alot of families out there, that cannot afford to spend how I do, and I feel bad for that. I used to be one of those mothers that wished they could do more for their children. And what I couldn't do then, I made up for, just in smaller ways. I would go to the local dollar store and buy fun little projects to do with my daughter. And it was cheap. We used to go for walks all the time and to a local park. I would save up all week to take her to McDonald's on Fridays. And she knew that Friday was our special day that we got to eat out. There are alot of things that you can do without having alot of money. I don't know how much longer I will be comfortable enough to keep up with this lifestyle and if it comes to an end again. Then, it does. No amount of money or gifts, can take the place of quality time spent with your children. Everyone should stop concentrating on who has what, who is spending too much, who can't afford to, etc.... Let's all just make our children our number one priority!!! And if you can afford to spend, do it. And, if you can't, don't. I can't tell you whether your kids are spoiled or not. I do think it should throw up red flags if people close to you are telling you that you are spoiling your kids. I also think an attitude of "sorry lady, it's not my problem" is a horrible attitude and one easily picked up on by kids. There are so many constructive responses to a mother "whining" (in your words) about how much your child has.
I think too much spent on toys develops an unhealthy expectation. If your daughter has over 50 puzzles she will eventually be sick of those and expect more and based on her current inventory, she may expect 50 more. I don't neccesarily think that the amount is a problem if you are not buying her everything and anything she asks for.
As for the families on the show, 250 DVDs?? Big Srceen TV? $1200 in toys so one wouldn't feel jealous of the other?? And then the nerve to say her kids won't end up like Evan! Lauren? Over her limit and writing bad checks... one of two things will happen, her parents will bail her out or her credit will be in shambles in 6 months. I see these kids at college as a Dorm Supervisor. I hear them telling each other, "oh my God, did you see what she was wearing?" We have parents who drop their kids off at the beginning of the year with a case of beer. We have a donation to local homeless shelters at the end of the year and have clothes with the tags still on them, computers, calculators, textbooks... generous? I thought so until I heard one student telling another, "If I come home with all theses clothes, my mom won't buy me new ones" And you wouldn't believe the excuses I hear when students don't want to take responsibility for their actions. I can't tell you how many students have lawyers for parents, or have informed me that their parents will sue me for trying to make them accountable.
Love your children. Absolutely. Make them your number one priority. All for it. There's nothing wrong with having things, but the message kids recieve when they get too much can be as bad as the opposite extreme--sometimes worse. |
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November 9, 2005, 1:39 pm PST
Quote From: moteasuh I have a son who is 34 years old that I have not heard from in 8 years. He came to live with us in 1997; he did not want to go to work; he slept til late in the afternoon; ate anything he could find; bummed money for beer and cigarettes. I told him plain and simple that "if anyone was going to live in my house and not work, it would definitely be ME". He left, didn't bother to say goodbye. I have not heard from him since. This was not a new situation; it was ongoing for 10 years. I had helped him in the past many times. When the time came for him to work and help out, he would get mad, storm out, go off and pout. Then he would find someone else to mooch off of. When they got tired of him, he would call me, crying, saying he was hungry and didn't have a place to live. After hearing that so many times, and his not taking responsibility for his life, I got tired and put my foot down. It broke my heart but it was something I had to do, and something that I live with. He made his choice and I made mine. I feel for you and hope that one day your son will grow up and invite you back into his life. I agree with your decision. He's going to do what he's going to do and if the choice is for him to do it to himself or take you down with him, you have to let him go. |
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November 9, 2005, 1:46 pm PST
Quote From: rosie314 I HAVE A 30 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER THAT CAME HOME 5 YEARS AGO AFTER HER AND HER HUSBAND PARTED. SHE HAS 2 BOYS 13 AND 11 AND THE 11 YEAR OLD HAS DOWNS. HER HUSBAND PAYS NO SUPPORT THOUGH ORDERED (BUT THAT IS ANOTHER SHOW) AND SHE DOEN NOT WORK. MY HUSBAND AND I ARE IN OUR EARLY 50'S AND BOTH WORK FULL TIME. I HAD TO GO BACK TO WORK TO HELP PAY BILLS. MY PROBLEM IS HOW DO I GET MY DAUGHTER TO FIND A JOB AND GET OUT OF OUR HOUSE AND ON HER OWN. BABYSITTING IS A BIG PROBLEM FOR HER BECAUSE OF THE CHILD WITH DOWNS, HE CAN'T BE LEFT WITH JUST ANYONE , ALOT OF PEOPLE CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS. SHE HAS NEVER HAD TO WORK AND I THINK SHE THINKS SHE DOESN'T HAVE TOO AS LONG AS SHE HAS MOM AND DAD. HAVING A DEAD BEAT AS A FATHER OF HER CHILDREN DOESN'T HELP AND NEITHER DOES THE COURT SYSTEM. DR. PHIL WHAT CAN I DO TO SOLVE THIS PROBLEM, I CAN'T JUST THROW THE 2 BOYS ON THE STREET. You should check with your state or county for resources available for your grandson. In California they are called Regional Centers. They can help you find and pay for childcare for children with developmental disabilities. You should also call the local school district. Your grandson should be in school if he is not. If he is then there is 6 hours a day your daughter could be working. |
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November 9, 2005, 1:56 pm PST
Quote From: lyanna96 First let me tell you what happened.
I come from a very dominating matriarchal family. As soon as I graduated, i went to college about 5 states away from my parents. I met my husband, we bought a 5 bedroom house, had a baby, and were working careers in the computer industry that let us live comfortably.
I had been gone for about 10 years and became pregnant with our second child when my parents called us and asked us to move back home to take over the family business so that they could retire. They owned a small software corporation.
After some thought, we sold our home, paid off all of our debts and squirrelled the rest away as a down payment for our new home once we got there. The three (and a half) of us went to upstate NY.
At my mother's suggestion, we moved in with my parents so that we could look for a house without feeling like we had to take the first one we saw. Also, she said, that would make it easier to train us on the ins and outs of their jobs and clients.
After a few months of training, they told us that there was a customer not paying their contract off timely enough for them to make their ends meet that month. Would it be all right if they borrowed some $$ from our savings- temorarily- until that contract came in? It shouldn't be more than a week.
So we loaned them the $$. It totalled about 9 G. It hurt a lot since we were already living off of our savings (groceries, gas, doctor's appts.) until we could take over the company officially.
After another 2 or 3 months, they still hadn't paid us, and Mom came to us again.
"Things aren't working out very well. We've hit a big slump and we don't know when it'll ease up. Dad's looking for work outside of the business. Maybe you should too- just until we can get more contracts."
I even helped my dad write a resume.. he hadn't had to write one for about 40 years. But here we were with no house and nothing in our savings, a baby on the way and a toddler needing care too, and no way to care for them! As well, who will hire a visibly pregnant woman? No one! They know that I'll need maternity leave almost as soon as they hire me.
Fortunately, my husband is very experienced and in a much demanded career, so it wasn't too long before he got work. My father got work, too.
Another month goes by and my mother comes to me again. How are we doing? Do we have enough to get by? They're in a spot and need to borrow about $2000.
Ok, we're not stupid. We told her we didn't have that much left. Suddenly there's no heat in our section of the house. She says something must be wrong with the propane tank. We should probably move out into the guest house until it gets fixed....
My husband checked the propane tank. The feed to the house was shut off, but mom was adamant. We needed to move out until they could "get it fixed."
So we moved our (now 4) family into the tiny (made for 2) guest house. We're paying for all of our own utilities, groceries, etc- the same as before, but we refuse to help with anything. No mowing, trash service, snow shovelling, etc. We are paying no rent. And we are avoiding any "fun" activities whatsoever in order to quickly recoup our losses and have our house built.
I badgered her for another month until they paid back a third of what they borrowed, but we're not expecting to see the rest ever again.
Mom is over about 2-3 times a day without even knocking to tell us exactly what we are doing wrong with our children, our housekeeping, our finances (*snort*), and on and on and on...
And recently, I caught her admitting that there was never a slump and that my dad never needed to or did look for a job! They just didn't want to hand over the company.
Even at the earliest, we won't have a proper down payment until at least next summer and then will still have to wait a few months until the house is actually built. Renting an apartment will only slow us down to get our own house done, but I don't know if I will be able to keep my temper in check that long.
Any advice that anyone wants to give will be appreciated more than you know! We feel like moochers but we know we aren't. HELP!
I'd say start talking to Lenders. There are a lot of creative financing options out there that don't require a "proper" down payment. It may cost you a little more, but given the situation you describe it may be worth it. If you've bought a house in the past and have little or no debt, you shouldn't have any problem qualifying. If your husband makes a good income, you would save thousands or tens of thousands in taxes by buying as soon as possible. If your income is low to moderate, you may qualify for programs to help you with the downpayment. You also might not want to box yourself into a new home right away. If you find a nice existing home, you could have a place to live and after as little as 3-5 years, you could use it as a downpayment for a new home if that's what you want. |
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November 9, 2005, 2:11 pm PST
Quote From: boogiebear I live in NC. We have lost so many jobs here. People, good people have been out of jobs for months, and everyday some new company is laying off, or shutting down moving out of the country. I am not excusing their behavior. These kids needs to learn how to live an adult life. When I was in school in the 70's, we were taught that we either went to college or we did not, but we would work for the same company all of our lives. That company would take care of us, and help provide us with health care, plus other things we need. We would in turn be loyal and be honored to work there. Whether you were making 17 dollars an hour at American Tobacco Company on the production line, or you were in some office, somehow using your degree to make your company the best it can be. You would retire with a good plan, and your children would then be working there also.The American dream has been ripped so far away from what it once was. Now companies fire people who work there, just to hire temps to save money. They move overseas just to make a bit more. This is effecting so many people, and their attitudes about life and work. It has changed us as a whole. It is stressing us out as a country. It is something that needs to be talked about, either how we deal with it, or how we deal with the stress of such an unsteady workforce, and lack of security. I agree with you, but people can and do adapt. I'll agree that it's stessful and difficult. I think we need to be willing to change-- our location, our skillset, whatever is necessary. You're typing this comment and sending it instantly where in the 70's you would have mailed it. Your state may have had to lay off a few postal workers since then, but somewhere else there are computer jobs created. When Ft. Ord closed, my parents almost lost their business, but my mom took advantage of retraining programs and now Dad runs the business on his own and mom makes more than he does. They're doing better than their best year running the business by itself. Unions have done great for the people lucky enough to get in, but the benefits they enjoy decrease the number of jobs and lead companies to look to other countries to lower costs. Maybe new company ways of doing business are partly to blame, it doesn't give anyone an excuse to give up. |
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November 16, 2005, 12:29 pm PST
Quote From: joylaprade I AM A PAGEANT MOM, MY DAUGHTER HAS BEEN COMPETING SINCE SHE WAS 1 YR OLD, SHE COMPETES ON THE STATE AND NATIONAL LEVEL, AND I AM SICK TO DEATH OF THESE SHOWS THAT PUT DOWN PAGEANT KIDS!!!!! SHE LOVES PAGEANTS!!! SHE LOVES HAVING HER HAIR AND MAKE-UP DONE, SHE LOVES THE STAGE,AND WHEN SHE ON STAGE YOU CAN TELL IT. MY HUSBAND IS A BLUE COLAR GUY THAT PAYS THE BILLS, AND TOTALLY SUPPORTS OUR HOBBY. YES, THEY CAN BE EXPENSIVE, BUT SO CAN ANY OTHER SPORT. HAVE YOU CHECKED OUT THE COST FOR FOOTBALL, UNIFORMS, SHOES, ETC.... WHAT ABOUT COMPETITION CHEERLEADING, IT IS ON ESPN ALL THE TIME, THOSE GUYS AND GALS WEAR ALOT OF MAKE-UP ALSO... WORK REALLY HARD TO COMPETE ON THAT LEVEL, BUT YOU DONT SEE SHOWS ABOUT THEM. LEAVE THE PAGEANT KIDS ALONE!!!!! WE HAVE GOTTEN SUCH A BAD RAP, THAT WE DONT EVEN LIKE TELLING PEOPLE WE DO THEM BECAUSE OF THE LOOKS WE GET.. THAT IS NOT FAIR! MY DAUGHTER SHOULD BE ABLE TO BE PROUD OF HER SPORT!! OR HOBBY!! SHE IS GOOD AT IT. IT HAS HELPED HER W/SELF-CONFIDENCE, SELF-ESTEEM, AND IS GREAT EXERCISE WHEN SHE DOES HER PRO-AM ROUTINE. IS THERE HAIR AND MAKEUP INVOLVED, YES.. SHE IS ON STAGE, UNDER ALOT OF LIGHTS.. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO THE THEATRE AND THE ACTORS NOT WEAR MAKEUP, THEY WOULD LOOK WASHED OUT.. IT IS NEEDED. MY GIRL GOES TO SCHOOL JUST LIKE ALL THE OTHER LOCAL GALS, SHE RIDES HER HORSE, SHE PLAYS IN THE DIRT, SHE GETS DIRTY, SHE CHEERS AT THE LOCAL REC CENTER, TAKES GYMNASTICS, AND ACTS JUST LIKE ANY OTHER 7 YR OLD, EXCEPT WHEN SHE IS AT A PAGEANT, THEN YES... SHE IS A LITTLE DIVA, AND SHE LOVES IT!! SHE FEELS SPECIAL, AND IT IS A FUN GIRLS WEEKEND. WE HAVE MADE ALOT OF OUT OF STATE FRIENDS, AND SHE LOVES GETTING TO SEE THEM AT THE PAGEANT. YOU PEOPLE NEED TO LEAVE US ALONE AND LET US ENJOY OUR HOBBY! OH BY THE WAY... THE GIRLS ARE NOT IN ANY DANGER FRM PETAPHILES... THE PAGEANTS ARE USUALLY HELD AT A NICE HOTEL, IN THE BALLROOM. THE AUDIENCE CONSISTS OF MOMS, DADS, SISTERS, AND BROTHERS, AUNT OR UNCLE, AND EVEN GRAND PARENTS!!! THEY ARE NOT ON DISPLAY IN FRONT OF ALOT OF SICK STRANGERS LOOKING AT OUR LITTLE GIRLS DRESSED UP!!! THERE ARE OBSESSED MOMS IN PAGEANTS, THAT MAYBE PUSH TOO HARD, BUT YOU CAN FIND THAT IN ANY HOBBY!!!!
AND ONE LAST THING.... ALOT OF THE BAD PUBLICITY ON PAGEANTS STARTED W/THE TRAGIC DEATH OF JON BANAY RAMSEY... THE SAD PART ABOUT THAT IS THAT LITTLE GIRL WAS NOT A TRUE "PAGEANT KID", SHE HAD NOT BEEN IN PAGEANTS FOR VERY LONG, AND HAD ONLY COMPETED IN A HANDFUL OF PAGEANTS; BUT SOME REPORTED CAUGHT WIND THAT SHE HAD DONE A PAGEANT AND SAW SOME PICS OF HER AND RAN W/IT... PAGEANTS DID NOT CAUSE HER DEATH!!! BUT ALL OF OUR PAGEANT KIDS ARE PAYING FOR IT!!!!!! I have a 2 year old... at one he enjoyed being held and when I chased him. You say, "she is a little diva", it's purely semantics, but that's not really a positive term to me. I'm sure she loves dressing up, all kids do, it's dressing up, parading in front of a bunch of strangers and then having your self worth tied up in whether or not you conformed to thier idea of "beauty" Competitive cheerleading, football and sports in general are abosolutely NOT the same thing. You don't spend $500 in a whole season playing football and it's over in 3 months and you can try something else. There aren't 7 year olds in competitve cheerleading contests. That being said, there is a common thread between pagents and little league-- over zealous parents. I see this as teaching your daughter to be the center of attention. All kids should experience that, but it shouldn't be their goal in life. What will she turn to in the future to be center of attention?
By the way, I'd be willing to bet that the winners in most child beauty pagents directly correlates to the amount the winners' parents spend at the pagent. I challenge beauty pagent parents to try it. Do your own hair and make up, buy a dress off the rack, tell them you'll skip the glamour shots this time and see how much attention you get then. |
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November 16, 2005, 1:37 pm PST
Quote From: karasmom We make time in our lives for all our children. If we must split up for the weekend, we do. If we must take turns, we do. And you are so wrong about which kid would be chosen over which. For instance, my oldest son actually plays in a Basketball tournament Sat. Kara has a huge show Sat. I will be taking my son to the game, while my husband takes Kara or vice-versa. He also plays during the week. My husband takes off work early or comes straight to the game and meet us there. And WE DO NOT MAKE ANY MONEY OFF OF KARAS PERFORMANCES. I read a lot of the message boards and notice that in most cases, the show participants don't participate. Some mention them on future visits saying, "wow, I couldn't believe what people are saying about me." Often show participants who post seem to be trying to convince the world they are right. You have an answer for everything. You weren't invited on the show because Dr. Phil thought you might be able to convince him, he thought there was a concern there.
I realize your daughter loves to sing. But you can't pretend this is all her idea. She didn't wake up one day and say, "I want to be the next LeAnn Rimes. I'll need voice lessons, to make a CD, I'll need you to push me every day to practice and make me practice even more if I screw up. By the way, I'll need a website, photos so I can give autographs, my own CD, and see if you can book 40 or more venues in just over 6 months for me."
By the show and your comments, I don't see your daughter quite as motivated as you suggest. If she was as motivated as you say, would she really need you to make her practice? Wouldn't she know her mistakes and work on them willingly. Would she need you to point out your observations and direct her practice sessions? Don't you think she would tell her friends she couldn't hang out with them because of a performance or practice instead of asking you if she could go?
Your daughter may be well prepared for a carreer doing this and then not make it. But it seems to me your daughter said, "I want to be LeAnn Rimes" and to your credit you didn't just say, "that's nice honey", but you set a course where you are implying a guarantee of success. If she just does as you say, she will be a star. God willing, she will, but God help you if she doesn't. |
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November 16, 2005, 2:28 pm PST
Quote From: twink26 I just want to let you know that pageants aren't teaching girls to be the "center of attention". These girls learn how to present themselves in a interview and how to show all their best qualities. You can always tell a childs personality and confidence in just their presentation.
**By the way, not all the pageants require the big expensive dresses, big hair and makeup or the glitz pictures. "These girls learn how to present themselves in and interview" Maybe it's just me, but I think 4 or 5 might just be a little too young to need work on your interviewing skills.
"show all their best qualities"-- In a beauty pageant setting??? So like, they share with each other, present their report card, or what... what are their best qualities to you?
"You can always tell a child's personality and confidence in just their presentation" It has absolutely nothing to do with coaching from parents right? In every pageant you've been to, the child with the best personality and most confidence won?
** I didn't even know ANY of the pageants REQUIRED big expensive dresses, etc.... My point was that it seems to me that MOST of these pageants involve some degree of business interaction secondary to the pageant itself. (i.e. Let us make your hair perfect for $xxx!, We'll do your make-up only $xxx!, Stunning one of a kind dresses $xxx!) call me cynical, but I'm virtually certain that in MOST pageants participants who have purchased those services are the winners. |
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November 16, 2005, 9:31 pm PST
Quote From: cablekidz That would be an interesting concept - moms and daughters competing as a team to be judged. I think a lot of moms see it that way now, only the moms are "behind the scenes" contestants. It would be interesting to see the mom's have to their own looks, clothing, talent, poise, and composure judged on stage while people are judging their children. I'm just imagining the two mothers on the show going through what their kid goes through!!! What a great lesson!!! |
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November 16, 2005, 9:38 pm PST
Quote From: anastasiab I am a professional musician and former music educator and I thought the girl singer sucked. Even though the mom puts her, down, I see her having a big ego(so typical of singers) in the future. She already goes to the principal or whatever and asks why she wasn't invited to sing the anthem at certain sporting events. As a former educator, I've had to deal with attitude problems from kids with pushy parents...We should never allow bad singers to butcher the National Anthem!!! Obviosly, the mom has no clue about music and the kid did not seem to be having fun. I'm not a professional musician, but I've had a lot of training and I also noticed she was rough, but she's nine and she definitely has a good voice. For as much as her parents argue about how good this is for their daughter, they haven't helped her stay on pitch and listening to her songs on the website, she's needs some work getting through her breaks. No reason at all she can't work on that, but her mother seems so set against anyone's opinion but her own, I could see how a voice coach would have a hard time getting the point across. |
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