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Messages By: tkebobby

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October 8, 2005, 10:36 am CDT

Condoms/sex ed

As noted by Dr. Phil on the show it is important to have the right kind of education, one which should include both abstinence and the proper uses of birth control. But the real reason I'm am writing this is to say that abstinence is a moral value. More so than anyone else in a child's life, it is the parents' job to instill the moral values which they want their children to follow (as to how they should do so is a debate for another time). But, if parents value abstinence and later find out that their child is sexually active, continuing to try and teach them abstinence is pointless. the parents in this case have done too little to late!
 
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October 9, 2005, 4:34 pm CDT

Single Parenting

Quote From: jamalldeb

What do you do when you live your life right, your kids do everything the way they should (go to school, work, volunteer at the ages of 14 and 15) and someone comes along and tells you your son has done something you know he hasn't done and your family's life is turned into a living hell for 4 months and more?

This is a bit vague. What is/was your son accused of? Who accused him, and with what proof did they have? What proof do you have he did not? What was the result of this accusation?  

 
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October 12, 2005, 2:32 pm CDT

Single Parenting

Quote From: jamalldeb

My son was accused of assaulting a woman living on the same street as us.  A kid came out of the bush, grabbed the woman from behind, she sprayed the kid with a hose and he ran away.  She was not injured in any way.  My son was out delivering his newspapers at the time.  He saw the kid run past our house and gave the police officers a complete description.  The officer pulled me aside and said, "I know he did it because he knows too much."  I responded, "Well, he would also know that if he saw the kid!"  The police officer said, "Yeah, but teenagers don't notice details like that."  OH really!!!!!!!! 

  

I am a single parent.  I am also a professional in my community, volunteer, and I have just completed my Social Work degree.  The supervising officer bellowed at me that night "I don't care!  Go tell someone who cares!"  and other things including threatening to lock up my son until the court date if he did not sign the papers right then and there, without having a lawyer to talk to about it.   

  

The description of the kid does not match my son.  My son did not have time to commit the act.  His brother told the police officers details that verify what his brother said.  He does not have the personality to commit such an act.  He is more the type who would help if someone was being hurt.  He represented our community in the Provincial Spelling Bee, delivers newspapers, is in his high school junior concert band, the Reach for the Top team, soccer, and bowling.  He has volunteered the past three summers working with kids.   

  

Before giving her statement to the police, the woman canvassed our neighbourhood with a general description asking people, including my younger son, if they knew a kid with curly hair and a red tshirt.  My younger son said that his brother "has kind of curly hair and red tshirts".  She asked if he has a red backpack and my younger son told her "No".  SHE decided it was my son.  The police spoke with her at midnight that night and had made up their minds by the next afternoon. 

  

This all happened in June.  My kids had to drop the one newspaper route so that they would not have to walk past the woman's house.  We have been forced to move to try to find peace.  My son was not able to do his volunteer work this year.  I have gathered about 20 or so reference letters attesting to my son's good, calm, and caring character.   

  

The pretrial was last week and the Crown attorney is pursuing the matter despite all the discrepancies including statements made by the woman that she saw the kid who attacked her walking down the street at times when my son would not have been walking down the street.   

  

Thanks for asking!  It's been a living hell!  My family has had to seek counselling to try to deal with all the stress involved.  The issue is still ongoing.  I am told by the lawyer that I have to just sit back and let things go through the system.   

  

Take care. 

In terms of the logistics involved with managing the situation, your lawyer is probably right. There isn't much else you can do but let the courts do their thing so to speak. This is probably also true in terms of the way you live you life. You, and your children, seem to be leading productive (In an E. Erikson sense) lives. Yes, this event did occur. And yes, it has it's consequences and those consequences need to be dealt with (i.e. seeking help to managing the stress). But, don't let this interrupt your (seeming) very productive way of life. And IF (I say if merely because it is not my place to make claim that your son has or hasn't done something) this is a misunderstanding, you certainly should not see it as a result of your actions as a parent.
 
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October 12, 2005, 3:12 pm CDT

Licenced to parent

We can all say that as a result of good parenting a child should become and adult who does/doesn't  ________. We can all fill in the blank with hundreds of things good people do or don't do. But How do we get there?  

  

Good parents start with good people in a good relationship (between spouses)... opposite or same sex. Before I go any further, I need to address that statement. Children need to have two adult in their home lives to give them the best opportunity to live a full life. At a very basic, superficial level the child gains one of two things: a) two incomes (and a whole host of things associated with socioeconomics)  or b) the full time attention of at least one parent. I understand that their are some situations where this is not possible (and shouldn't happen) I.E. Death, abuse (physical, verbal, or psychological), neglect, etc. However, the growing trend in the country is to leave our spouse for reasons other than those examples. I'm not claiming that children of single parents can't thrive, I know many who have. What I am saying is that those people had to overcome a lot of unnecessary hardships. Furthermore, putting children in those situation when it is not necessary ought to be illegal!  

  

But what is "good?" 

"having desirable or positive qualities especially those suitable for a thing specified"  

"full: having the normally expected amount" 

"moral excellence or admirableness" 

I could go on with the technical definitions (and feel free to consult a dictionary if you want more of them) but isn't "good" a subjective term? Isn't "good" relative to those things not seen in a favorable light? Then who am I to call someone a good parent? Who are you to say the same? Maybe it's not our place to call someone a good parent. But we do it every day in our society. I'm not talking about judgments you can I make, I'm talking about adoption. Two people who have a one night stand, with no intentions of having a child, can have a child no on is going to tell them otherwise. But if two perfectly willing people, who physically lack the ability (one or both) to have children, want to adopt we as a society make them jump through a number of hoops to prove they are "good" people who can provide a child with the best opportunity to live a full, healthy life.  

  

So, someone has defined what a good parent is and frankly no one argues with the idea that we should screen adoptive parents. So how is that so far fetched from licencing people to parent? Yes, there are some "bad" parents who slip through the cracks of the adoption system. But, there are by far and away more "bad" parents who had absolutely no regulation what-so-ever. How can this idea offend so many when we use the same screening process on (mostly) very willing couples who want children? 

 
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October 13, 2005, 2:06 pm CDT

Missing information

Quote From: downey6977

 I am a single mom to a 4yr old daughter.  She will not talk to me and she is very hateful towards me.  Her father is not in her life.  He could care less about her.  She visits his mother every week and when she comes back from their house, she acts like a totally different person.  Like she is mad at me for some reason.  What can i do to get her to talk? 

  

Well, there is good news and good news! The good news is, there are a lot things that can be done here from a behavioral aspect. The bad news is, I have no idea what is really going on in the situation. Anyone reading does not have any kind of background on what you do as a parent. Second of all, if the behavior, as you say, changes after seeing the grandmother... perhaps you should be questioning what is going on there.  

 
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October 13, 2005, 2:08 pm CDT

Single Parenting

Quote From: tkebobby

Well, there is good news and good news! The good news is, there are a lot things that can be done here from a behavioral aspect. The bad news is, I have no idea what is really going on in the situation. Anyone reading does not have any kind of background on what you do as a parent. Second of all, if the behavior, as you say, changes after seeing the grandmother... perhaps you should be questioning what is going on there.  

Sorry, I meant good news and bad news 

 
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October 16, 2005, 3:37 pm CDT

Good Parenting

Quote From: cscutie79

 Desperately need some advice .          I am a 26yr old single mom of a very beautiful and intelligent 8 yr old. When I found out I was pregnant for her I broke up with her father because I finally saw who he was( Liar, Cheat and troublemaker). Well a couple of yrs ago he talked me into letting them meet. My daughter was quickly drawn to him but I realized he was never going to change. Shortly after he got into trouble and was placed behind bars.My Daughter didn't know him very long but she fell in love with her "dad" and now I am torn about what I should Do.  Should I let him fade like some distant memory?   Should I tell my daughter that he is in jail???   I feel like she is happy and we have a stable home...
I never Bad mouth him...As a matter of fact I always remind her that He does love her very much and I'm sure he misses her.   Do you think knowing her dad is a bad person will affect her?? Should I allow him to write or should I keep on telling my daughter that I am clueless to his whereabouts?
I don't want her to be angry at me when she gets older for not telling her, but on the same note I'm not sure if children should know that one of their parents is BAD.   Please Help me If you can...

I am not a parent, so if you don't find me credible that's alright. But any interestion between two people is a relationship, be it parent/child or not. One of the important things about any serious relationship (and by serious I mean those relationship which are more than task related i.e. those which are usually temporary and get us to a short term goal, for instnace the relationship that any Wendy's employee has with a customer) is that, among other things, communication must be open and honest.  

  

For purposes of argment lets assume most people who go to jail are guilty. Good people don't go to jail! Jail is there to punish bad people who have broken laws (Wheather this works or not in a whole other issue!). As you established in your message, you feel he is a bad person too.  

  

Back to open and honest comminucation... it's agreed that he is a bad person. You need to be honest about it. Dad cannot be an exception to this rule. If going to jail is bad, than Dad is too. Otherwise, what happens if someone starts thinking "My Dad is in jail, but that's ok because he's my dad." or worse yet "My Dad isn't a bad person, so being in jail isn't bad." 

  

Second of all, a good parent begins with being a good person. Normally, I don't support single parenting. However, when one party isn't willing to be a responsible adult and do things that are necessary to provide their child with a good life, sometimes there are no other options. Clearly, he wasn't willing to do/not do whatever it was that was needed for him to stay out of jail, and be a parent and provide for his child. That being said, you say he will never change, in which case you should never let him near his child, until he proves that he can be a respinsible adult who is willing to give his child the best.  

 
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October 16, 2005, 3:54 pm CDT

Single Parenting

Quote From: downey6977

My daughter's father is not in her life at all.  It comes in and out of her life and I think this is very hard on her.  He abused me in front her on several occasions.  She sleeps with me everynight b/c she will not sleep by herself.  She will wake up crying.  I leave the light on or the tv on for her and it doesn't help.  I have said something to the other grandmother but it doesn't help.  They let her have her way on everything.  She tells them when she wants to take a bath and go to bed.  Not them telling her.  It is very hard b/c when she comes back, if she doesn't get her way then she whines.  Hope this gives you some more info.

How old is your daughter? (rhetorical)

How old are you, the parent? (rhetorical) 

  

How old are the grandparents? (rhetorical) 

  

Why are the grandparents letting her do whatever she wants? When you entrusted your child to them, is it fair to assume that you have put them in charge of your child, and not the other way around? And if you know that this is going on while you are not there, and you know that is causing the behavior problems, why then are you still allowing them to treat your child like this?  

  

I'm sorry if that sounds snide, but that is the honest truth. You are the parent, you take control.  

  

On to something else you mention. The abuse that went on, and the inability to sleep with out you there... In terms of psychopathology (mental illness, irregularity if the word illness scares you) children are much different from adults in their expression of some things. So, it is hard to say what/why but there is almost certainly a link between the abuse and the sleep problems. (e.g. Post traumatic stress disorder... a common cause of chronic sleep disturbances). However, before running off to a child psychologist saying some undergraduate psychology major said to see you, if you haven't already, ask why she can't sleep alone. Not whether she wants or needs to sleep with you, but why can she? There might be some explaination (e.g. monster under the bed or something). If this is not the case, then seeking professional counciling might be nessicary.   

 
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October 16, 2005, 8:33 pm CDT

Single Parenting

Quote From: sky1514356

Hello everyone reading this, 

  

I am a single mom of a great 5 year old boy, his father has not been around since birth and has recently decided that he wants to be involved in mine and my son's life again. However he also has another son (my son's half brother) who is only 9 months younger than my own son.  He has not paid child support and my son does not have his last name. I have mixed feelings about allowing him to see my son, nor do I know how to go about introducing him to my son. So far me and his father are getting along well but it has only been a few weeks since he has come back around. If anyone knows how to introduce them to each other or has been in a similar situation PLEASE respond with sugestions.     Thanks     INDIANA MOM 

Well, first off I am a firm believer that a child should have two parents. However, both parents need to be responsible adults. As far as allowing him to see his son, it is a good thing IF and ONLY IF he is ready to be this child's father, and that means for the rest of his natural life. Things that might suggest this, for starters, paying child support. No money, no kid. That is not to say that money and material possesions are everything, but lets face it, kids are expencive! Furthermore, I'm even saying that he needs to pay to see his child. What I am suggesting is that the money be a sign that he is being responsible, he has a good job and is willing to provide for his child. You need to have a clearly defined number of things which he must do to prove to you he is willing to be a good father this time around. And he needs to be clearly told, until he has done those things (and continues to do them afterward) he will not have gained your trust.   
 
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October 17, 2005, 2:51 pm CDT

Single Parenting

Quote From: downey6977

my daughter is 4 yrs old and Im 23. The grandma is in her late 50s.  I don't know why she lets my daughter do anything she wants.  My opinion is that she is taking the father's place. She did this with her son and I think that is why he is like he is today.  She has babied him all his life and never disiplined him.  He has never been taught responsibilities at all.  I have said something to her, but all I get is I just give in and can't let her cry like she does.   

  

I have asked why she doesn't like to sleep by herself and she tells me that she is scared.  She won't say of what though.  I have thought about seeking professional help with her.  B/c I don't want her to suffer later on in life b/c of the abuse that she has seen. 

The reason I ask your ages, is not because it's important how old you are. What is important is that you and the grandparent are oldER than your child, therefore YOU are in charge the child's life, not the child and not the grandmother. And it seems that you try to establish that in your relationship with your child... hence the problem from one setting to another. But if the grandmother isn't doing so, why do you allow that kind of parenting (or lack there of) to continue?  You're damn right that's why your child's father is like he is today. His own mother never held him responsible for his actions, why should he feel responsible for his child? So if the grandma's parenting style (again, or lack there of) caused her son to act the way he did, which ultimately put you where you in this situation... WHY ARE YOU ALLOWING HER DO THE SAME THING TO YOUR CHILD? Frankly, you shouldn't allow her to see grandma. If she stops seeing grandma, it will stop reinforcing this "I can do whatever I want" mentality and the behavior problems will subside. Because that's what is happening here. She learns that she can do what she wants, and Grandma doesn't stop her (reinforcing the idea and behaviors). If you cut off the reinforcement, you cut off the behaviors. Everyone needs  allies/friends/social support in life, particularly children of single parents, but when that "support" really isn't supporting healthy growth and good behaviors... bye bye! It is much easier to cut that connection between her and Grandma than it is to change Grandma's parenting style (which she's been using her whole life!)  

  

Furthermore you need to explain to your daughter that people can't always do whatever they want or not want to do. "Man, this life thing would be a lot more fun if I didn't have to work so much." We've all thought something like that before... but we don't do it, we don't just stop working because we want to. Your daughter needs to understand we can't do everything we want all the time. Ask her, "What would happen if Mommy wanted to have fun and not work? Would you get food? Would you get to go ______ (some activity she enjoys)?" 

  

One more thing, regarding the sleep. Again, it is more than likely that the sleep issues have some connection to the abuse. Someone (be it you, or a professional) need to find out what it is she is afraid of. At this point, for all we know it could be "a monster under the bed." (By the way, easy way to fix that, take the frame way and just lay the mattress on the ground.)" But if you are not able to find out what it is she is afraid of, then someone (a professional) needs to.  

 

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