Messages By: tuffstuff
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June 28, 2006, 5:38 pm PDT
 Quote From: altmed Dear Marcie, I had a family like yours and thankfully left home when I was 15 years old. Things weren't easy, I put myself through school, and with two kids, and HEY! When it's not working, you need to get the he** outta there! Your family obviously doesn't accept you for who you are, or even value your life (e.g. - the selt bely not being on and hard breaking in a car, which could not only have injured you, it could have killed you! Face the facts, you have a sick family, they prolly didnt' love you when you grew up, thus your feeling out of place, the anger, etc., and they aren't going to love you any more. I felt like you were trying ot please them by getting the double major and applying to dental school... Face it... NOTHING WILL EVER BE ENOUGH for people like this... YOU ARE a SCAPE GOAT and you need to move out, don't tell them where you are, maybe, if you feel like it, send them a letter from there (so no postmark from your new location shows up) and MOVE ON!!! Some of have to realize that our famlies (Or certain members) will NEVER love us, and will argue, etc... You'll prolly notice, if you keep in contact with any family friends, or get back in touch with them later, that they've moved onto another scape goat for their problems. I know I got back in touch with my sister at my son's insistance, and sure enough, she had picked her scape goats the 5+ years I hadn't talked to her, and after just a short time, she turned back to me for that place in her life, and I again (this time with my son's blessing) cut her out of my life PERMENANTLY. NEVER expose your kids to people like this (long story short, my sister's daughter exposed my daughter to drugs, and then blamed me for it!?!?! - go figure!) I'm sorry I ever allowed my kids to ever be exposed to the manipulation, the BS, etc. Honey, get the HE** outta there and don't ever look back! You're obviously intelligent!!! My siblings that stayed in contact with a severely abusive father are abusers in their adult relationships themselves (my sister has called the police who knows how many times on her current and long-time boyfriend last I heard, and frankly, it kinda still saddens me, but it's not my life, and I have to let it go - he's abusive as well to her, thus those calls...) I call it an addiction to drama! Yeah! I was labeled the "black sheep" too, but I too am the youngest of 4 kids, was the FIRST to graduate from college (On my own!) and the second to leave home! Sure my mom gave me money and like yours went on about "how much" she was "helping me" (PLEASE! I never asked for it, nor did I want it either - it was just a way for her to attach strings to things and thankfully she died, but before she did, I let her know that I had NO intention of keeping in contact with my siblings, and I haven't for the most part since she's been gone.) I DID stick around for my kids' sake (so I though) when she was dying, but honestly, again me AND my kids would have been better off if they'd never known my family. Again, GET THE HE** out LONG before you have a husband or kids!!! GET OUT NOW for your own sanity! I can see right through the BS I saw on the show, and have been there! I'm not you, but I know when I cut all ties, I could relax, got off the medication I was on for anxiety & depression (and if you're not there yet, your headed there quickly!) Good luck and I hope you follow my advice! GET OUT NOW!!! Make your own family of your good friends!!! You can choose those!!! Altmed WOW! I am sorry you had such a hard life. But maybe you need to stop blaming others for all that you didn't get in your life (and had to do on your own) and get over being mad. Marci from the show needs to realize that society isn't going to accept her behavior and she will end up paying for it through jobs, marriages, family and friends. The same goes for you too. You seem really angry in you letter, and for your health and your children's health I hope you can get past the things that have happened to you. You said you went to college basically on your own; thats great you took responsibility and took care of it. Now its time to take responsibility for the anger inside and let it go so your kids wont miss out on something and feel towards their mom the way you do with yours. Good luck. |
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July 9, 2006, 11:09 pm PDT
Quote From: one4u2rem Yes - My son has had an IEP since Kindergarten. It is reviewed every 3 months. As far as I know the school is doing everything they can to "teach him" which is their job. The discipline and behavior is up to me and insurance covers only a certain amount of visits but the copay is $30 each visit! I am on government assistance and barely get enough food stamps to live on. All my money goes for "things that are needed at that moment in time."
I do not want anyone to think that I am putting money before my child. I want answers to why he does these things at school or away from me but not at home. He knows the consequences at home ... and he obviously knows the consequences at school. He was suspended TWICE in 1st grade ... after that is when I really started standing up to the school that there is something else going on here and if you can't control my child while he is with you ... I don't know what to tell you but don't send him home to play!" I commend you for trying to do what you can in this situation. It's hard.
I work with children who have disabilities, Autism, or who are emotionally disturbed. You say the behavior and discipline are up to you... What part does the school play in these two things at school? I'm not sure- legally -if he has a disability that they can suspend him either. (Find your parental rights booklet they gave you at the IEP and if they didn't give you one-they aren't in compliance, and get one.) If they are sending him home due to not being able to handle him then maybe he is actually in the wrong facility with the wrong teachers and program for him. Teachers can only do so much, and if they really are not qualified or know what type of behavior plan to make for your son they aren't doing him any favors. Along with the IEP should be a behavior plan that you agree too. This should always be in place until the behavior plan goals are met. Check it every time you have an IEP you wouldn't believe how many times these get put aside, then by the time the child gets a couple grades older or a new teacher the whole behavior plan is gone. Some cases the child doesn't need it, but most often they continue those plans so they keep learning right from wrong as they grow older.
If the staff at the school is not being consistent about what they want and expect him to do he will act out, it's a given. They have to make a plan of what exactly they want from him each day (every day should be somewhat predictable- similar schedule- warnings before your going to change to do some thing new. IE: "In two minutes we are going to do this"- this will help him to know what's expected and when) and then they have to be consistent in implementing it. It's easier on them to send him home than to deal with his behavior. They still get paid the same but he loses the chance to learn how to behave in a setting away from home away from you. It doesn't make it easier for you either, because what ever he did to get sent home will become much bigger the next time around. Sounds like you know that.
I know it's not always fun being the one who makes him have to follow the rules. The school should be helping you and being consistent. Maybe there is another underlying reason he is acting out, does he want to be there? What actually goes on during his day? If the people have a negative attitude towards him he may sense it and not be trusting so therefore setting his day into a bad motion. Just a thought.
See if your district has a specialist on board that can help these teachers make a behavior plan for him. Possibly your son may need social stories too so he can understand what is right and wrong. They really help a lot of kids.
About the $. If you are already on some assistance and or free and reduced lunch program contact your school nurse and see what other things are available to your son regarding counseling. They may know of different people who can meet your needs or some way you can get a type of grant. I have seen it done. If your willing to keep asking the questions and demanding the district give your child a free and appropriate education he will be the winner. Keep trying you'll make it and so will he. Good luck.:) |
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July 10, 2006, 9:41 am PDT
Quote From: allidc I don't completely understand the differences between kids who can help it and kids who can't. I don't doubt that many parents can do better. However, before you dismiss mental illness take a minute to live with it. It doesn't take long to realize that when a two year old can get angry enough to flip a full size bed, something is wrong. When that child doesn't respond to normal discipline and only escalates, there is something wrong. Don't be sure that we aren't "saying what we mean, and meaning what we say." My husband and I are so much more structured and consistent with our son than the average parent, that our lives are actually completely disrupted by the structure that must be in place for him to even function. My nine year old son has been diagnosed with ADHD, bi-polar, etc. and No. These aren't just tags that have been hung on him for excuses. We have actually switched drs. several times to try to get more help, and the expense is incredible. The community needs to figure out how to support those of us trying to save these children from prison, rather than blame us. His drs. and counselors tell us that we have hung on more than other parents that they have seen. I understand why parents give up, partly because people like you, point there fingers at us and say we should be able to do better. For the record, we have three other children who are on the honor roll at school, don't move clips or cards etc., and respond to discipline like children should. I could brag and say that "I trained them to be so perfect." But I'll say it like it is. I am blessed with three mentally healthy children and one who needs help every day just to face the world. Parenting 3 compliant children does not come close in difficulty to parenting one with problems. You can not love their pain away, spank it away, discipline it away.... I'm still trying to pray it away. These are God's children, and I just wish you wouldn't be so quick to assume that the parenting must be bad. I love my children, and will do everything I can for them, but I do not know that my son will ever be able to function properly in society. He has been "trained" to "act" properly. I get compliments all the time on his wonderful behavior. He is a Super kid, until something triggers a rage. Then, watch out. I'm especially sensitive today because he has had three rages in the last two days that have lasted for more than an hour each. I'm tired, stressed, and disappointed. You havn't felt helpless until you see that nothing you do is working, the medicines help, but not enough. And in the mean time, you're missing out on your other children. Please don't take what one person says to heart. They obviously really can't comprehend what you and your family-father/husband and other siblings go through every day. I wish I had a "fix" for you. Sounds like you are doing what you can by changing Dr's etc. Are there any support groups that your Dr. can suggest? What about groups on line? Maybe the nurse at school can recommend someone. (But you have probably already asked these questions) I do hope you can find what you need for your "whole family". Take each day as it comes, I know it's hard. Hang in there, prayers do get answered....Good Luck.. |
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July 11, 2006, 7:42 am PDT
Quote From: nalgirl About the mom with the little boy: I feel so sad for her. No one mentioned Reactive Attachment Disorder, but his actions are typical of someone with RAD: threatening with knives, lighters, yelling that he hates her, threatening to kill her, being cruel to animals. These are all signs of a child with this disorder. The mom says she went through a divorce when the child was 5 months old. The aunts and grandmom blamed the mother and said that she wasn't giving boundaries and was inconsistent. Dr. Phil's main "I told you so" moment was that he showed the child with a female producer from his show and he was sooooooo sweet and engaged. Dr. Phil says he is capable of this good, nice behavior. So, what's wrong with you. This is typical of a child of RAD. They charm everyone else around them so that others around them don't see how things really are. Poor mom. I'm praying she will get some support. I think you are correct in thinking that the child may have this type of disability. I too felt that Dr. Phil did a bit of the blame game. What really would have happened if the lady asked the child to do something that he didn't want to? Not let him be in control, saying " This is what you need to do now." I think things could have turned out very differently. As long as the child is feeling like they have some knd of control they are ok, if not be prepared. Glad you had the notion to write what you felt. Have a great day.: |
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