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Messages By: lutt0031

lutt0031
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October 9, 2005, 9:25 pm PDT

I'm the other woman...

I had been seeing a married man for over seven months when his wife found out. He decided that he would work on the marriage and stay with her. They are going to marriage counseling but he has not stopped contacting me. This went on for about two months. Just recently he has decided that he really cannot continue to have contact with me if he is to really give his wife a chance. I am heartbroken. He's been married for over twenty years. God, she's had a chance to be a good wife to him. What the hell? She had to have suspected that he was messing around and did nothing. When she found out about me then she stepped it up. She all of a sudden wanted sex and now she wants to be this amazing wife. Why is it that she wants to do this after she finds out about me. I am crazy jealous right now and all I want is her to be out of the picture. I don't understand how he can be fooled by her.
 
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lutt0031
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October 10, 2005, 8:08 am PDT

I know he loves her....

Quote From: mrs_affair

Honey, your MM loves his wife.  There are always two sides to every story and I bet you haven't heard her side.  My MM was always honest with me about his wife.  I knew he loved her and I also loved my husband.  Neither of us wanted to be "found out".  Why we fooled around is still a mystery to me!  One thing I've learned is, it is very painful for everybody, especially the other woman.  I've lost alot of my self esteem and it sounds like you have too.  I hope we both can get it back.  My advise to you is to forget him, find someone who loves you, not just loves having sex with you.   

Thanks for your response. I do not doubt that he loves her but is he in love with her. They have had two children together and a life together. There is a history there. I know he is scared to walk away. I do not doubt that he is in love with me. I'm not sure that that is enough though. His kids and wife are pulling him back in and the longer he doesn't see me the more likely it will be that he stays. The thing is that she is on best behavior for now but she'll slide back to her old ways and he'll be left feeling unimportant again. Why would he allow this to happen again?  

  

I also am left feeling very competitive. It almost feels like I lost and she won. I know I shouldn't think of it in those terms but I do and it's a horrible feeling. It makes me want to call her and tell her all the things he told me about her. Why he was with me...how much better I was than her. The bottom line is that he is home with her and not me and that just SUCKS.  
 
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lutt0031
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October 16, 2005, 4:36 pm PDT

Not sure why you're upset...

Quote From: mls2005

I am very disturbed by your thinking in this situation.  What right do you have as the other woman to stick your nose where it doesn't belong.  First and foremost this marriage and the things that go on in it are none of your business.  This is not a competition.  This is a real life situation where the children will wind up a heavy price for your selfishness.  Why would you even want to be with a man who lies, cheats and manipulated to be with you.  If he cheats with you, he will cheat on you!  His wife and children are pulling him back for good reason.  You make the wife out to sound selifish, but all you know is what he's told you and that may not necessarily be the truth.  She may not have been the perfect wife, but I can assure you he was probably not the perfect husband either and that may have had a big influence on her negative feelings about him and the marriage.  There again, it is not your call, you really don't know what went on in their marriage, all you know  is what he told you and that may just be a big crock of lies!  Most men will do whatever, whenever and however to "get some" and is that the position you really want to be in??  How can you even begin to build a relationship that was started under lies and cheating?

First of all, I did not put my nose where it didn't belong. He put his nose where he shouldn't have been. This is not my problem. I was led to believe that his marriage was over and he was half way out the door. I do not feel badly for this woman. If half of what he told me is true then she's lucky she kept any man for as long as she did. I honestly do not feel sorry for her. I hate her, truly. She is the reason I am not with him. She is using her children to keep a man that she knows does not want to be with her. She has threatened that she will tell the kids all the affair details if he doesn't stay with her. How pathetic is that?  

  

I also don't buy into the mentality that once a cheater, always a cheater. I think that people make mistakes and sometimes marry the wrong person. I am confident that I would last with him. I do not think he would cheat on me. The problem with his marriage is that she wouldn't stop shopping long enough to give him any attention. She gets what she deserves. If there was a way I could break them up quicker, I would. His marriage is doomed. There is no way this woman is getting over his affair with me. She is already busting his chops at every turn. This will not improve.  
 
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lutt0031
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October 16, 2005, 9:48 pm PDT

The Other Woman

Quote From: a_n_other

You jumped into bed with a man who wasn't ready to leave his marriage.  He may be one day but in the meantime his wife is not to blame for your misery. 

You are way off on this one. His wife is very much to blame for this situation. He has been asking her to go to marriage counseling for years and she refused to go. He told her all the things that needed to change in the relationship and she made no attemtp to change. Not that he's had the affair all of a sudden she has no accountability. Give me a break. There are two people in a marriage and two people destroy it. He is trying to get out of the marriage with the least amount of pain for the children but she is making it worse by dragging them in. She doesn't want to be with him, she just doesn't want me to be with him. She's more afraid that her loser friends will see her husband leaving her for a younger, better looking and more accomplished woman.
 
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lutt0031
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October 17, 2005, 3:00 pm PDT

I Beg to Differ

Quote From: a_n_other

You jumped into bed with a man who wasn't ready to leave his marriage.  He may be one day but in the meantime his wife is not to blame for your misery. 

I do hold her responsible for my unhappiness at this point. She is only asking him to stay so he won't be with me. In between her ball busting and blackmailing using the children she has made it abundantly clear that she does not want me around "her" children ever. He is their father afterall. It's not like it was an immaculate conception. I accept responsibility for being duped into this as I was led to believe that he was leaving. I should have seen the writing on the wall but the bottom line is this woman will do ANYTHING to keep him from me. If she wanted him so bad she had 20+ years to do something about it.  I have no regrets except that for him, that he married such a nutjob.
 
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lutt0031
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October 17, 2005, 3:03 pm PDT

I Have No Problem with That

Quote From: a_n_other

OK they have problems.  She won't do as he wants or says.  Rather than just leave he has an affair.  She finds out and tells him to come back.  He does as he's told because he hasn't the courage to walk and defy her. 

  

That still makes you and he responsible for your misery.   She has no responsibility for your feelings.  Why should she?  You've made it abundantly clear you don't like her and it's hubby who ****ed and left you.  

  

Getting down to brass tacks: how do you feel about alimony, child support, visitation and dealing with the ex-wife until the children leave college unless you and he do a runner? 

You know I have no problem with his responsibility to his children or to her. He made his bed, he has to lie in it. The problem I have is with a woman who claims to be a good mother and uses her children to hurt her spouse. That is not a good mother...it is a desperate woman who just wants to ruin her husband's life in retaliation for his infidelity. I understand why she's upset but don't spend the rest of your life crucifying him. If you hate him, let him go and go find happiness elsewhere. How do you benefit anyone by being a bitter hateful person?
 
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lutt0031
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October 18, 2005, 10:11 am PDT

I am not responsible for his actions...

Quote From: mls2005

Bottom line here, no matter how you feel about her, you still have no right to be interfering in this relationship.  They are still married.  And, afterall, we've only heard you rant and rave and attack her character, there are two sides to every story and I would love to hear her side. 
I often wonder why others feel that the other woman should have any liability to the wife? I am not the one who took vows to her. She is no one to me. This is his issue. If he chooses to stay with her that is just the way it is and I'll get over it, in time. At the end of the day, no woman or man can break up anothers marriage if it is strong. As far as attacking her character, this woman attacked mine on numerous occasions. She's bent because he sticks up for me and tells her that I am his best friend. She has called me evil and a whore and fine, if that makes her feel better. I have no problem with what I did and I have no regrets.
 
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lutt0031
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October 18, 2005, 5:10 pm PDT

Still don't agree

Quote From: jspot2005

Finally someone who has the courage to stand up for the moral fiber of family.  I am a wife and at the present time there is another woman in my marriage.  Granted my husband made his decision however he did not make it alone.  Women who feel they have no obligation to another womans marraige is one lying to herself and to that man.  Both are for what is within their best interst, at that time therefore to make a comment that "I have no obligations to her" is insane.  Maybe you don't but its obvious you want intimacy, love, and commitment so why settle for her marriage instead of possibly waiting for your own?  Sure no strings attached appears to be fun however time brings about a change and both will reap what they sew.  It is natural for a wife to fight for her family whether it be physical or otherwise.  The most effective is through scripture but how many of us have that kind of patience?  Being a wife is both rewarding and hard work and quite frankly I don't intend to fight sitting down, however those of you who  enjoy being the other woman need to take a hard look at reality and see the big picture.  You all assist that man in destroying his family only to say I had nothing to do with it.  This is real life, real souls,  with very real consequences. Think about it.
I am the other woman who posted and said that I have no obligation to her. I stand by what I said and here's why. When I met this man he told me that he was marriage was ending. The two of them were "together" for the children. He led me to believe that his wife had no interest in him either mentally or physically. This was entirely evident to me because he spent a lot of time with me either in person or on the phone. She does not work and the kids are in their late teens...they do not need a nanny. She shopped all day and bitched at him constantly. He let me listen to a few of the phone messages she left him. I've even heard the two of them speak on the telephone. She's horrible. I would NEVER allow another person to speak to me the way she did to him. While I realize that he should have ENDED the marriage before seeing me, I agree, but that's not reality. People stay together for all kinds of reasons. I do love him and I have no doubt that he loves me. Where was this woman when he spent all this time with me? Why did she not bother to inquire where he was or who he was speaking to for hours on end? Why did she wait until she found out about me to get a reality check? Why am I the "wake up call"? This is total BS. I understand that people take each other for granted but don't sit around and do nothing to work on your marriage and then play the victim. Yes, he cheated and he is wrong but it takes two people to make a bad marriage. He may have went out and cheated but she negelcted him.
 
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lutt0031
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October 18, 2005, 5:14 pm PDT

No Loyalty to Her

Quote From: latingirl

You are 100% correct in SOME on your comments.  He is too blame for his lack of respect for his family and his wife.  He choose to believe that the grass could be greener (most of the time, it's not!) and he is the one that took the vows.  But you as a human being also should have morals and you dare sit here and say you have no problem with what you did and no regrets.  Well I would have a reality check here Miss, because if the tables were turned....you would be smacked in the face with hard core reality.  He is the unfaithful one...YES BUT you too know it was wrong to be with a married man who has a family and children and having no regrets does say a lot about your character.  She does have every right to hate you and hate him, she wants her family back.  But if she only knew, he is better off with you than with her.  Because you two apparently have the same morals.  I am not saying everyone is perfect, NO WAY.  But you too need to take responsiblty in part of this as well.  Not for breaking up the marriage, because that was his doing but for the lack of respect for another person's feelings.  

I do not believe this is a "human" issue. This man chose to spend time with me. He decided everytime he came to me that I was who he wanted to be, not her. He is the one who should have thought of her and his children. Don't put the burden on me as this is what is wrong with women, in general. We tear each other down. A guy who cheats is referred to as "boys being boys" and "oh, he's a dog". Women who cheat are homewreckers and whores...this is such a double standard. Dr. Phil says I have no business being in on another woman's turf. The fact remains that I am not stealing anyone. You cannot steal a person unless they want to be stolen from their horrible life.
 
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lutt0031
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October 19, 2005, 10:40 am PDT

The Other Woman

Quote From: latingirl

I do agree with you, men are always looked at as boys being boys.  But it's us women that let them think this way.  I WOULD never think of you or someone in your position as a whore or homewrecker, it's the cheater that is the whore and homewrecker!  That burden is NOT on you.  But like I said.  We do make choices and you choice to be with a married man.  Yeah I see he lied to you about where his marriage really was.  But until you are in this position, you can't speak for his wife or her husband because you only know him as your mistery man but not as the one that came home to his family.  I know people stay together for the kids sake, I too am divorced with children and we talked about that as well.  But it doesn't work and we all know it.  The kids need parents but they don't have to live in the same household to still be a good parent.  She may have taken it all for granted but he still was the wrong person in all of this.  And the only reason I seem to come down on you is because you sit here and say you have no regrets.  But if you knew about all this before, wouldn't you have changed it from the beginning.  If he wanted to leave, he would!  No doubt.  She can't force him to stay.  Nobody can force you to do anything....so if he really truly wanted to out of this marriage, he would be.  And in regards to your wrong doing.  SInce you didn't know about the truth to begin with, I can see how you are not wrong either.  BUT you do know and you still sit here and blame her for it all and how she treats him.  Well I guess she pushed him away into your arms, but that doesn't mean she deserved to be betrayed and lied to.  What type of man are talking about, you are acting like he is worth all of this.   

I think he was lonely and befriended me. Neither one of us planned on it getting this intimate. We certainly didn't think we'd fall in love. I think he was in some kind of coma or something because he just thought it would all work out. He was not planning on his wife not throwing him out. She seemed like she didn't want him either. I hate the idea that I may have brought them together. Do you know how much that sucks? I love him for many reasons. I don't like that he cheated on her. I do feel bad that HE betrayed her but I still do not believe that I should have thought of her for one second. If he called me today I'd be there for him. I am still in the very hurt stage where he still has power over me. I am hoping that each day I'll get stronger and hold him more accountable for all these. I am angry at her for many reasons, (1) she still wants him. I would never tolerate this level of betrayal and yes, I know, I'll be told that if he does it with me, he'll do it to me but I don't buy into once a cheater, always a cheater. I do think there are always special circumstances where people make bad decisions, (2) Why didn't she acknowledge the fact that for 7 to 8 months he was gone. I mean gone in every sense of the word. He was traveling to see me and when he was home he was speaking to me on the phone or e-mailing me. She never asked once why he was so distant. She just let his paychecks keep rolling in and went shopping. She has a nanny, a housekeeper and doesn't work outside the home. i'm not sure what this woman does that takes so much time away from paying attenion to him.
 
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