Messages By: gallen

I don't know what makes Ken act the way he does, but I am quite certain it has nothing to do with Diana. 

I may have missed your clarification for this condemnation of Ken. Your statement sounds to me like you think Ken is at fault for any contention or power struggle that is in their home. Have you considered Ken's thoughts? He has asked his wife to create an environment where they can be comfortable together. It sounds to me like he has adequately funded the project, so there are many options available. 

Ken is responsible for choosing how he will react to a situation. Say he has played the nice guy for long enough and simply didn't say anything about a lack of effort from his wife but now feels like something has got to change! Wouldn't you eventually want to rip the walls off the foundation of your own house if you were constantly biting your tongue and holding your breath - lest you utter a word that came across as overly critical? Really people, there are two side to this issue and I think the comfortable position to take and to defend is the one where rally to support the powerless wife that has no recourse from the overbearing husband. People are all over him for holding his wife accountable for something that apparently she signed up for. Pregnancy and little children make everything much worse than they are normally, and this is VERY important for Ken to factor into his expectation equation.  

Hey Julie, 

Thanks for posting that little bit about Kiefer. 

I see where choosing just to be happy, and doing whatever it takes, can crowd people out of your life that don't share your same enthusiasms. Would you choose to be tidy, organized, sane but lonely - or would you welcome chaos, clutter and the frustration of being unorganized that comes with being a people person? Some days it is a very difficult choice to make.  

Thanks for staying in touch. 

Grant. 

I know that there has to be a happy place between what I perceive to be two extremes. 

On the one hand, I see the granola people from Berkeley that hold no expectations for anything or anyone and are content with another day to love the world. These people just experience life as it unfolds in front of them. I think these are the parents that don't monitor their kids at the playground and let other parents handle the kids pushing at the top of the slide, fighting over the swings, and other unacceptable behaviors. I have often wondered if they would prevent their kids from running into the street (of course they would). These are the folks that don't really care what their world looks like or how it is organized. I think these people have a strong affinity for Subaru cars and Internet cafes. I look at how relaxed these people appear to be and think "that would be nice". They genuinely seem to be happy with how things are. There lifestyle seems a little to casual and free-form for my liking. At an extreme, I think they are a little too close to the reality/fantasy land border. The Fockers, from "Meet the Fockers", are this type of people. 

I don't know what to call the folks that live at the other end of the spectrum. I think people are eluding to the idea that Kiefer is a little like this extreme with his cigarettes squared with is nightstand. I think these people are very directed in what they set out to accomplish. I think attorneys, engineers, surgeons, law enforcement and military people fall under this umbrella. I think a downside to this lifestyle is a lack of flexibility to life circumstances. After years of living a Saturday morning routine, I know people, in this category, that nearly slip an o-ring if they get pressured to see a grandkid playing a soccer game. I think these people are like the Burns, again from "Meet the Fockers".  

There has to be a happy medium - one that is unique for everyone. I imagine that people like the Fockers will tend to outlive the Burns' because their lives are more relaxed and they are probably happier people. I think it would be really really cool to have a room where everything was placed just like I wanted it. This idea might really seem strange to a lot of people, but people build elaborate gardens in their yards around this very principle. Zen gardens, from the kiosks in the mall, are a cheap fix for this kind of ambition. Depending on if I feel more stress at home or at work, I have a little rock garden that I move from place to place.  

Kelly and I are working through Relationship Rescue. I got a little sidetracked in the first chapters and spent a lot of time getting things sorted out. We want to work through the 14-Day couple thing together - that's our goal. Does anyone have a success story or other words of encouragement to offer about this process? 

Grant. 

Kelly and I were up at my parents house last night, picking up the kids from Grandma and Grandpa who babysat while we went to see the Sentinel (starring Kiefer Sutherland, and others, how ironic). The Dr. Phil subject came up after a while. The question was raised "So Grant, is anything good coming out of this experience for you? Do you just love the attention?" I guess the E Channel did a little spoof on me talking about my wedding ring. I haven't seen it, but a family friend said it was funny.  

I think something good is coming from this experience. Let me condense for you the answer I gave my parents (that consumed nearly two hours). 

People say you can not control the world around you and you can't demand perfection. Saying the words 'can't' and 'impossible' to an engineer is asking for a fight. If you tell me something is impossible and can not be done then I'll tell you that you either haven't thought about it long enough or you aren't smart enough to figure it out. Just about anything is possible. I think that some of the wild ideas don't get off the drawing board because of two other words: reasonable and practical. As human beings, we have invested hundreds of years in controlling our environment to suit us. If something is a concern to me, there are countless things I can do to see that it is taken care of. I can put in place redundant backup plans. I am fairly certain that if it is important enough to you, you can make it happen. (I'll never win American Idol so there are limits).  

What I have recently learned is that frequently the energy and resources that controlling my surrounding to my wishes would require are prohibitive. I just don't have enough time to be on top of every little thing that I could worry about. Even if I wanted to do that, my life would be a neurotic ruin if I micromanaged everything that I would like to. That is one of the big things I have learned from this experience. I don't buy a lot of the psycho analytical stuff - it is too soft and squishy. I can conceptualize that each of has 'X' amount of energy to spend how we choose. I could foolishly choose to play man to man on everyone of my little concerns and probably die at 45 from stress related heart failure. I am working on backing off a little bit on the small stuff and choosing to engage where I think it matters most.  

To put it short: I won't ever agree that it is impossible - but it is certainly impractical. 

I have taken to the idea of creating a "my zone" - where I can escape to a place where things are the way I would have them. I am waging a war in our garage right now, trying to make it hospitable and usable for me. It has been a really long time (at least by my own recollection) since Kelly and I have gone head to head over cupboards or something. I have focused my efforts and energy on what it take to really make me happy - NOT what I think someone else should do to make me happy. It isn't as easy as it sounds, and hasn't gotten much of a warm reception, but it is something different! 

Grant. 

I thought I would just drop in and read over the comments everyone made during the heated furry right after the show aired. Things are better in general. I try to make more time to be home with Kelly and our three kids that I did before, despite increased responsibilities at work. I arrange my schedule so Kelly can get out at least one a week and go do really whatever she wants. CSI Las Vegas comes on at 8pm Thursday night, so I have the kids bathed, wrestled and worn out, read too, and ready for bed by 7pm. It seems to be helping there a little more, she looks forward to getting out. Not everything has been just cheery - there have been some significant bumps in the road and I think I'm fortunate to still have my family together. There are a lot of things that have changed since you saw me talk with Dr. Phil. It was a very good experience.

Grant