Messages By: gallen

Quote From: spazzed3

The couple where the husband wasn’t satisfied with anything his wife did really hit home.  While listening to Kelly, I was surprised to feel tears flowing down my face, as that was me 20 something years ago.  My husband was very similar to hers and I remember feeling the same way.  It’s amazing how something so long ago can be brought to the surface so easily just by hearing about it. At the end of the show Dr. Phil asked the husband if he wanted his wife to feel knots in her stomach when he came home. That’s exactly what I felt. It was a complete feeling of dread. The whole situation not only brought down my self worth, etc., it affected our children and the overall quality in our marriage relationship as well. Today, things are different. A few years ago I decided I wasn’t going to deal with it anymore and gradually took my “self” back. At first my husband was not happy with the transformation, but he ended up adjusting to it. Today, we have a great relationship. He has learned to be more considerate, and does a good job of making me feel accepted and loved for who I am, and not what he thinks I should be.  Neither one of us can imagine our lives without the other, which was not always the case.  While I cannot go back and change how things were, I can learn from my experiences, and appreciate how they are at the present.  My hope for that Kelly and Grant is that they correct the situation now, and not let 20 years go by after it has affected not just them, but their children.    

  

  

  

  

  

  

Quote From: judyblue22

Then what?  In our marriage we dig in and wait.  We bite out tongues and we live on our love for a while.  

  

Are you certain that there is a relationship that you could be a partner in that would fully satisfy you?  No one can put 100% in all the time, can you accept that you need to kick it up to cover for her sometimes? And are you going to spend your whole marriage weighing the effort each of you make to ensure you didn't  do more? That sounds like thin, niggardly love to me. 

Quote From: jettav

I believe if husband and wives would love and respect each other and have communication meaning they talk to each other about goals and values that EACH one has and talk about how they can help meet each others needs and wants without making the other feel inadequate or worthless, Couples need to be encouraging and boosting each other up, not sriticizing everythignt he other does, complimesnts are always good. All of us need a break now and then and sometimes that might mean an hour away from the family, long enough to take a nice, relaxing bubble bath or maybe a day out shopping with frineds or even alone and maybe even with just the spouse with no kids, and sometimes it maight mean an over night trip, maybe a retreat type place, nothing wrong with getting some alone time to rest, pray, meditate, refeck, whatever needs to be done. Just last nigth I had a nice break from home, I went to the Ladies nigth out at church and I was gone for about 8 hours, we had massages, crafts, door prizes, hair cuts, lots of food with a chocolate table that was faboulous and even had little tea parties. It was wonderful and knowing that my children were safe and happy with daddy was a great gift as well. Wives deserve to be pampered and treated and respected as well as the men in their lives, I believe women need to love and respect their husbandsa s well and know his needs and give a little as well, it is a partnership and for a marriage to be loving and lasting it takes both being a part of the marriage 100%. as far as women being treated better then men, it could be becasue men are not as out spoken as women and men do tend to keep things to them selves when it comes to issues at home, they tend to deal with them in other ways which may be different forall men, some men just stay silent and say/ do nothing while others try to control every move that their wives make, some men go away and hang out with the guys and expect their wives to be home when he gets there catering to his every need. what ever the case, husbands and wives are to love and respect each other, be aware of one another needs and be help mates and encouragers, not to degrade the other and make the other feel worthless and mediocre(sp?)but to let their spouse know that they are the best..........................................

Quote From: judyblue22

My lip is getting use to being bit, teeth getting accustomed to the grinding. I think I can get a good handle on this one. It does make sense. To be honest, however, I still think I should be able to keep a picture, so to speak, in the back of my mind of what I want. Complaining will not help her, but conceding to her won't help me either. 

 

If staying in this marriage requires this much anger and way more concessions than you are willing to make, it is a mistake to stay.  If a marriage can be saved, I believe in saving it at all costs but if it is going down, the quicker you do it the better it is for everyone.  You aren't doing any favors to your family by staying.   

  

Staying and raking Kelly over the coals about your dissatisfaction just reduces her confidence in herself further. Hanging around now and then leaving when the kids are older and in school just means that they will have a more severe feeling of loss and they will have known you during their formative years and will have instilled in them a feeling of not being good enough too. 

  

With respect to your feeling of persecution by females, if a man came on with the same story and feelings as Kelly, his wife would have been told the same things.  And, if you didn't notice, Phil is a guy and he didn't give you a pass either. 

Quote From: lilmom38

Grant, you need to lighten up and enjoy life more.  Let the engineer Grant stay at work.  You take the fun-to-live-with Grant home to your wife and things will be much brighter. 

  

Cudos to you for having the guts to go on national television and try to help your marriage & all the others out there who are married & watching.  That takes courage.  Take that courage to carve out for yourself a positive attitude towards your wife.  Try to see her through the eyes of Christ.  It really works. 

Quote From: judyblue22

I don't care why your first marriage failed.  I just found it rich for you to lecture me after- what is it? 4 years married this time around? In 22 years, my husband and I have had many tragedies, illnesses, joys and triumphs.  We see issues from one side-we are a team.  That is how we have succeeded in working through them. 

  

However 

-I don't have to live with my real self being destroyed in inches by a critical, chronically unhappy husband. 

-My husband does not have to live grinding his teeth in fury every day. 

-My children don't walk on eggshells when daddy is home. 

  

Besides, I'd bet good money that Grant has already consulted an attorney...to discover how much it will cost him, not how to stay involved in his children's lives. 

Quote From: momisme2

I have to agree that by Grants postings it does indeed sound as if he has one foot (if not two) out the door already.     

  

A while ago he started posting about watching the show again and spoke of the last comment the doc made to Kelly about asking what this marriage was costing her.  He said that was what he was focusing on and thinking about now.  Not his culpability, not his critical ways of acting, not his wifes pain, but that one last comment by the doc(which he made to Kelly) was his focus now.  Well... how very easy for him!   When I first read that I thought it was great manipulation ploy on his part.  Like he was attempting to scare Kelly into compliance.  I didnt say anything about it cus I figured I may have misinterpreted that post.  But the more Grant posts the more I think my intial reaction was dead on.  He keep speaking about that!  Sure strikes me as an excellent manipulation ploy on his part!    "See?  Im not happy and now I must think about what this mariage is costing me.  Seems its costing too much so I will listen to the doc and start heading out the door since you wont comply with my demanding wishes!"   Funny how that is the only thing he seems to listen to the doc about!  Well actually it isnt funny but incredibly sad. 

  

In response to my questioning why he never once in all his postings speaks of the hurt and pain Kelly displayed on the show he says he will address Kellys pain in this (the post responding to me) message.   But if you go back and read that post he never addresses her pain just speaks all about himself.  He seems to be one of the docs guests that just doesent get it nor has any desire to get it.  He wants to be right and blame Kelly for his unhappiness, blame the women who are challenging him(apparently he is not used to being challenged by women LMAO!) as some kind of women libber bashing groups(not his words but read between the lines)blame his chosen career, just blame any damn thing as long as it isnt himself!   

  

Now hes off on the "Whats this marriage costing me?" tangent.  Good grief!  What exactly could it be costing him anyways?  He doesent have the most organized of cuboards?  Well hell!  Thats cause for divorce right there!  His three children take up an immeasurable amount of Kellys time so sometimes he doesent get his A+ dinners?  How dare she?!  Lets just all stone her right now!     He doesent have that Stepford Wife he says all men want?  You know... basic compliance and all of that?    

  

This man is living in some serious fanatsy world.  I truley think he has some problems that a shrink needs to address.  Start with NPD and work from there!   

Quote From: judyblue22

Regarding the children-when your home was on camera, they were in the room during a nasty exchange where you said something about putting the dinner you had prepared up against Kelly's meals.  From that on-camera event, I assume that that kind of nasty, competitive inter-spousal snapping is the norm when you are home and perhaps worse when you aren't on camera. Right? Your kids aren't a different species than other kids.  Their guts are knotted up when you do that. 

  

Regarding the attorney, if you have a friend that is in the same boat, perhaps you have only questioned him to discover where you will stand instead of paying for individual advice but you  admit that you have been considering it.  And the courts do their best to be fair and just, just not to the people who are responsible for the mess.  The ones who should suffer the least (and make no mistake everybody suffers) are the children who had no choice. 

Quote From: judyblue22

The way I left my business self behind for good in my non business life was to really leave it behind.   

  

-I never wear work clothes at home (I change as soon as we get home, before we walk to school and pick up the kids). 

  

-I never take work calls at home.  If a client somehow gets my number, I will only say-I don't take business calls here. 

  

-I never take work home and I don't go back to the office in evenings and weekends.  I have learned to be very efficient in my work hours and vigilent that I don't take on more than I can handle. 

  

-I am much more relaxed out of doors. If I've had a stressful day, we all go for a walk or bike ride.  When we come back my mood is guaranteed to be brighter. 

Quote From: amytuori

Actually I have a three, four, and six month old.  I am a sahm who also goes to school part time ( biology soon to be pre med) and to the gym six days a week.  And before you say anything I do give 100% to everything .  I take night classes, my house is clean, and I never miss any pageant , practice, or game my children are involved in.  I am on the PTA at my oldest  school and I still manage to have a 4.0 My husband is a chef on a cruise ship and recently shipped out for five months. I believe I am doing the best thing for my children.  I am showing them that woman aren't here only to marry, have kids and serve a man.  That we can be educated, smart ppl who contribute to society.