Quote From: whattodo29This is my first time here, and I'm posting requesting advice I guess on what to do... this could be long.. so I apologize in advance.
This is about my relationship with my Dad. We had always been close... When my parents first separated, I was in the process of moving out of the house. I ended up never actually being on my own (with my boyfriend, who is now my husband) as Dad needed somewhere to go, so we let him stay with us. Those first few years, he never contributed financially other than buying dinner every now and then. My dad is a long distance truck driver, so sometimes wasnt there much, and other times would be there quite a bit. We recently learned he told everyone he knew, and his side of the family that he was supporting us. That obviously upset me, but I let it slide. He's done a lot of things like that over the years to make himself look the hero, but I've never paid much attention to it.
The big problem happened about a year ago.
My husband ran into bigtime financial difficulties. We had purchased a van, and Dad co-signed on it. All in the span of 4months, we had to stay with in-laws for 2wks, as our hydro at the farm we rented was turned off as we could not afford to pay the bill, we got caught up, and were able to move back home. The bills at the farm were monsterous, and we just couldnt manage everything.. and to be honest we werent very good at managing our money. The van got reposessed. I had to take taxi's back and forth to work, which cost a lot as I worked in a different town than we lived. I had access to Dad's bank account, and he had told me if we need anything, borrow it, and pay it back. I did just that, but like everything else, it got out of control. I ended up "borrowing" almost $1500 over a few months, and was unable to pay it back. I lied to him about taking the money. I told him I didnt. He started an investigation into the bank, thinking identity fraud, and I finally fessed up. I dont know what I thought, maybe that he wouldnt find out that it was me. I dont know.
He forgave me, but still holds it against me, which I dont blame him for, as I still beat myself up about it every day. We tried to make arrangements with the bank to pay off the $9000 left owing on the van, but they wouldnt, it was all or nothing. After a lot of deliberation, we claimed bankruptsy a few months ago. We were told by the trustee my Dad would probably NOT be affected by this, but it turns out he was. I just found out this weekend that the bank has gone after my Dad. My Mom told me this, as apparently everyone knows about it but me. I guess they came after him a few months ago. Dad and I have not seen each other or spoken in almost a year.
Dad had a heart attack the summer that the "borrowing" money happened. About 1 month after it went down. I completely blame myself for his heart attack. My mom and husband get angry that I do this, as Dad is overweight, and a heavy smoker. But I still believe the extra stress caused it.
I've heard from my sister and mom that Dad has stopped taking his heart medication and his diabetic medication because "he can't afford it". I blame myself for this too. I cannot believe that I would have done something so horrible to affect him the way I have.
I believe I am a different person now, than I was when this happened. I have post-traumatic-stress-disorder, I have for years. I'm now on a whopping dose of effexor to control the stress / depression etc. When all this was going down, I was incredibly suicidal. I only pulled it together because I have 2 young children. Thank God, I was able to do that. I look back and say how stupid I was, but I still cannot forgive myself, and I dont think I'm worthy of forgiveness.
The big issue, is its only a few weeks from Christmas. I've heard Dad is very lonely, still in the truck, and now not taking his meds. I'm worried that we will go by Christmas, and his health will deteriorate and I wont even be able to go to the hospital or worse case scenario the funeral as the whole family hates me for what I've done.
I want to call my Dad, tell him that I just found out about the bank coming after him. Tell him how sorry I am, and how much I love him. I want to tell him I've changed, and I'm better now. I want to tell him that I want him to take his meds, that i want my kids to see their grandpa for Christmas.
But, I'm scared. I know he's mad at me... why wouldnt he be? But, how can I possibly just up and call him, and ask him to have a relationship with me again? My Mom tells me I should call him, as his daughters are the most important thing to him, that he's a very forgiving man, and that he loves us no matter what.
But, still, I'm scared. I know just hearing his voice, I will fall apart, and become a blubbering idiot. I want to have a relationship with my dad again, but How can we? How can we get past everything I've done?
Please I need advice on what to do. Do I call, Do I not call? What do I say? How can I get past this? I think I'm a terrible person. Everyone I know, says I"m not, that I made horrible choices at a terrible time in my life. I've changed, but how can I ask Dad to forgive me, when i dont feel that I'm worthy of his forgiveness?
Please help...
thank you
signed,
What do I do?
I think I'm a terrible person.
Hi there. I'm new here myself. Infact my message is right under yours.
I want you to know something right now! you should'nt even hesitate! Don't ever wait to tell someone something that you feel needs to be said! You wouldn't want him to leave this earth not knowing would you?... I know all about being scared. 2 years ago I had to confront my father on our relationship troubles. I was scared to death! But I stepped up anyway, because it was just something I knew that I needed to do. I first put myself in his shoes. I thought about, what would I do if one of my children was feeling like an outsider to our family?... You bet all the money in the world that I'd want to know about it!
It was very scarey for me to do all the same. But I did it anyway, and even though the outcome wasn't as good as I had hoped, I said what I needed to say, and knowing that I tried was comfort for me. Remember, you are not responsible for other people and how they take things. He might even need time to let everything that you have to say sink in. But know this, for you the relief of just being said, and knowing you tried, will be worth it. that way you have been acountable with your own life's track. Good Luck! Now Go Call Him! Best Wishes, voyles
