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Messages By: lizabeth

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October 10, 2005, 8:55 am CDT

It is a working family NOT WIFE>

The word is marriage.  I am a full time working mother.  I have been in a very bad marriage.  Where nothing was equal.  I was expected to be a full time mother.  Clean the house head to toe. Everything had to be in a specific spot and place. The house was to be a museum and it was not to be lived in. It was a cold atmosphere.  He was abusive and controlling.  I am now remarried and have a wonderful husband.  But due to expenses of the last marriage I do have to work full time.  

  

 

What I know about a good marriage is that it is compromise on both parts.  We have to be there for each other.  You always have to have I love you and I care about you.  You have to look at each other with love and not spite.  You have to know each other weaknesses and embrace them and not use them against each other. We both have a job.  We both work full time.  But at the same time we BOTH are full time parents (of a combined family of past marriages).  This means that he can not come home and just sit down.  I can not come home and just sit down.  Because as a working mother I can not do it all on my own. And we work together.  We do not put each other down.  We do the chores together.  And in front of the children all we do is show support for each other. 

  

 

But there are times when I am out of work.  And during that time my full time job is at home.  I put in the time in cleaning, and having dinner on the table. You never get away from the eight hour job.  If it might be at an office or at home. Then the full time parent job is both of ours together and we have time with family and each other.  We always make time for each other.  A hug when we see each other.  We never fight in front of the children.  We always make up and work everything out.  I have times I am so exhausted and so is he.  Things just don’t get done.  But we do not put each other down for it.  The key is understanding.  He never comes home from work, eating dinner and ignoring me.  The work of the family is still going and we sit down and rest together.  I did my eight hour job at the house; he did his eight hour job at the office. Then comes the time of our job of   FAMILY…. 

  

 

I have seen so many mothers that stay at home and don’t do anything.  They just get up and expect everything to do all on its own.  And leave the husband to put in the hours at work. When the husband gets upset they just don’t understand.  He just sits at a desk doing nothing I just don’t get it.  I will tell you what.  I have done that job at the desk and it can be just as draining as a physical job. 

  

 

Then I have been and have seen women that have killed themselves doing it all.  While the husband just sits on his tail. All he does is complain.   

  

 

I am marriage with children, which means a full time job.  It may be at work on a job or at home.  But if I had the choice I would be at home cleaning and having the dinner on the table every night.  And letting him just work on the job.  The children suffer when you have to do both.  They need the stability.  The job of staying at home is not easy.  Despite what many men may think.  Working a full time job and raising children is even harder.  When you are married and have a good husband and he works with you it is so wonderful.  When I am tired, he worries about me.  When he is tired, I worry about him.  We take the load to help the other person.   There is always praise.  Or it would not work.  I have been in a marriage where I was put down all the time and almost killed.  And now I have someone that all he does is treat me and my children with full respect and love.  That is what a marriage is in my oppinion.   

 
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October 10, 2005, 9:16 am CDT

The only one that can make you happy is you.

Quote From: punkbabies

(((BigHugs))) for you. Your post brought tears to my eyes. The reason why is because about six months ago I could have written your post. First I was a SAHM to our two boys. So, EVERYTHING was my responsibility, he wouldn't even help with the kids by just playing with them after work. He'd put them in front of the TV and he'd sleep or play on the computer. Nothing was done right and there was only ONE right way to do it. I didn't do the laundry right , I didn't do the grocery shopping right, I didn't pay the bills the right way. Then,  I started back to school. I was in school full-time and he said I didn't get paid for it, it didn't benefit our home so everything was still my responsibility. He said that all I did was sit on my butt in class all day so there was no reason I couldn't handle everything else. Then, I got pregnant with our third. We knew we would need more money, so I got a job. Before this anytime I said we needed something his response was, "Get a job!". So, I got a part-time job and was still a full-time student. I was also very sick with this pregnancy all day and all night long. Well, my job wasn't good enough. I was a part-time bank teller, but, that didn't qualify as a 'real' job so, the house and kids were STILL my complete responsibility! I was so sick that in the evenings all I could do was just feed the kids and lie down b/c I was vomitting 10-20 times a day and had been hospitalized several times. Once, I had just come from the bathroom from once again puking my guts out...well, mostly just dry heaves b/c there was nothing to come up. I sat down on the couch trying to recollect myself. The house was a bit messy and dinner hadn't been made. This idiot had the nerve to say to me, "You know, the kids deserve to live in a tidy home."  

  

Well, to avoid making this reply longer than it already is, my husband is now my soon-to-be-ex-husband. Back in March when I was still pregnant and very sick, I packed up my children and went to a women's shelter. No, my idiot husband wasn't hitting me, but, my therapist helped me realize that what he was doing was emotional abuse and was just as bad, if not worse than physical abuse. Your husband is abusing you just as mine was. Oh, and the sex-on-demand is sexual abuse, my ex did the same thing. If I wouldn't have sex with him he'd hold me down and masturbate. I too felt like a servent or a possession and was tired of it. I just couldn't do it anymore. I finally realized that I deserved so much better. What's even more important is I realized what it was doing to my children. If things stayed the way they were my boys would have grown up to believe that women were merely servents put on this earth to please the men in their lives. Either that or they would have allowed other people to treat them as their father treated me. Do you want this for your son? 

  

Now, if you are determined to stay with him and try to make yourself perfect for him, you are setting yourself up for a huge failure and disappointment. This is not about you. It's about him. You ARE a good wife and mother, his attitude has nothing to do with your abilities. Now, to keep your own sanity there is a great system I use to keep myself together. I'm taking care of three boys under the age of four, I'm working and going to school. Have you heard of Flylady? Check out www.flylady.com. Its a wonderful home organization system that will help you. However, even if the house is perfect, the food is perfect, everything is perfect, don't expect your husband to suddenly start treating you like a human being.  

  

Sweeite, this man is mistreating you. He is abusing you. You deserve so much better and so does your son! Your son needs a happy mom, not one who feels pushed down and stepped on. Do you want your son to think that this is what a marriage is? A co-worker was in a similar situation. She finally left when her 8-year-old daughter said that she didn't want to have any babies b/c then she'd have a husband who made her sad and she would never have any fun again.  

  

My heart truly aches for you because I've been there. Right now I am tired, I am stressed, I don't know how I'm going to pay the rent and my car is falling apart. But, I'm happy, I'm finally happy and I finally like myself again and realize that I have worth and I am a good mother and a hard-working person! That alone is worth all the stress and work.  

  

If you EVER need to talk, vent, cry, or you need advice on something PLEASE feel free to email me at: momluvspunx@hotmail.com  I would love to hear from you and would love to help you in any way that I can. 

There are so many men that don't understand and they won't.  Because of how they were raised and so forth.  I have always learned with this type of person, when talking to them keep it in the I.  Meaning what I need is some love.  What I need is when I have done this work I need a hug or some love.   

  

Do not ever say you don't do this or that.  They take it as an attack.  In the olden days women may have taken care of the house.  But it was their domain.  They said what happened in it.  Them men did not have time to just sit down and complain.  They took care of work, the land, the animals and forth.  So even then when women took care of the house.  The men still had a lot to do.  Today many men think that all they do is work.  Look at the hours he is doing things.  Is he getting rest and so forth.  That plays a big role.  Remember even if you think he is wrong.  He thinks he is right.  You think you are right and he thinks you are wrong.  Try to talk it out. If you can't you may need to get some help.  And sometimes that doesn't work.  So you have to decide to what  you need to do to make YOU HAPPY.  Because if you aren't happy, you won't have happiness in the marriage.  A marriage is not what makes you happy it is the two people in the marriage.  

 
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October 11, 2005, 7:35 am CDT

The gut instinct

I believed that you should stay married not matter what.  But you have to know when it is not healthy to stay in a relationship.  If there are children, they can get hurt more with you together than apart if it is not right.  You can not change someone unless they want to be changed. We should not try to change for someone if you don’t want to.  We all see signs ahead of time that say.  This person is this way.  But many of us ignore it because WE WANT TO BELIEVE THAT PERSON IS FOR US>>>>>>

  

 

  

 

We all know when it is time to leave. We just don’t want to listen to that voice inside of us.  I was in a very abusive marriage.  I am now on a disability because of his abuse. We were high school sweet hearts.  He was very jealous and possessive.  The gut instinct told me it would not change and I needed to go on.  I got pregnant and we got married.  It never got better and his verbal abuse went to physical abuse.  It took him almost killing me to leave him.  It was hard.  My kids and I were basically out on the street.  I was stalked and went through years of problems trying to get on with my life.  I then met another man years later after my divorce. 

  

 

  

 

With the low self esteem due to the physical damage to my body and sole, I got myself into another bad marriage.  I had that gut instinct that said it would not work but I just did not listen.  We went through counseling and the counselors felt that since he would not listen then sometimes it is best to end a marriage.  The emotional abuse got worse and it affected my children.  It then turned to physical abuse. 

  

 

  

 

Not only did I suffer but so did my children. 

  

 

  

 

You can not change someone.  If they are someone who gets upset on the drop of a dime.  Or they are more interested in video games, friends or drinking than they are you.  If they just do not listen.  If they are a constant complainer and have nothing good to look at in life.  They don’t get along with others, self indulged or jealous.  Or just don’t have any ambition in life.  It won’t change.  It only gets worse. 

  

 

  

 

You have to decide what you want in life.  Are you a person that likes to have friends (if he is a jealous type, or secluded this will not work).  If you are someone that always looks at the good in everything and are a happy go lucky person (he is always unhappy and miserable, you can not make him happy), he will pull you down. 

  

 

  

 

They say opposites attract.  That may be true, they will not stay together.  I have been through two marriages that hurt me and my children.  If only I had gone on that gut instinct. 

  

 

  

 

I decided a head of time what I needed in a relationship.  I wrote it down and evaluated it fully.  I then decided that I would not settle for less.  I needed to be loved and have someone that I could love.  That would treat me like I should be treated.  Who would be my best friend and anything else.  I realize the men are not perfect and I would not find the perfect person.  But it just had to seem right. 

  

 

  

 

I met a man two years ago.  We took our time to get to know each other.  We kept sex out of the picture so that it would not confuse things.  But we became the best of friends.  He laughs at his mistakes.  He does get sad and has spells just like everyone.  But it is shared by asking for a hug or talking out what is bothering him.  When I am sad he makes me laugh.  If some one whistles at me while walking down the street and laughs and says she is mine.  And we have full trust and consideration for each other.  We talk about everything.  He is everything to me.  We have been married for a year.  And each time I see him it brings joy to my life.  He looks at me with a look that I can not explain. 

  

 

  

 

When I met him it was a gut instinct that said this is the one.  I had a peace and it is something that I can not explain. When it is right you will know.  It is better to be alone than with someone who is not right for you. 

  

 

  

 

I believed that you should stay married not matter what.  But you have to know when it is not healthy to stay in a relationship.  If there are children, they can get hurt more with you together than apart if it is not right.  You can not change someone unless they want to be changed. We should not try to change for someone if you don’t want to.  We all see signs ahead of time that say.  This person is this way.  But many of us ignore it because WE WANT TO BELIEVE THAT PERSON IS FOR US>>>>>>

  

 

  

 

I have gone through abuse my whole life and through two abusive marriages…  I got beat over the head one two many times before I realized that I do not deserve this.  When you leave a bad relationship it seems like it will not get better.  In my case I went through 15 years of hell by ex-spouces. But now I have the most wonderful man in my life.  He spoils me and treats me like I am a friend not his possession.  All I get is love and loving words.  I am lucky and so are my children and for the first time they can see what a relationship should be….  And MAYBE they will have the chance that I did not…………  He is not their father and he does show them love and respect.  They have a hard time accepting it and it is hard.  They have learned the ways of abuse from their father.  But he stands by me and we stand together in all decisions.  He is helping me teach them that physical and verbal abuse is not the way…..  I think his calmness upsets them more than anything.  They do not know how to react to it.  Sometimes neither do I.  But I am enjoying it and taking it all in.  I used to think that love was just a fairy tale.  But now I am living it and believing it.  Gut instinct it is there we just have to use it. 

 
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October 11, 2005, 8:05 am CDT

You have to enjoy life.

Quote From: aintaho

Hey I think I justneed to vent, I am not looking for people to tell me what is wrong or what is right, i would like to know how common this is? My problem is this, I have been with this man for 16 years and we have two kids. He doesnt go out , he's not a drinker, he works 40 hours in a week, no more because he hates to work, and lets me know it all the time, but he does have  a serious problem , I think. He play video games, and not just for fun, example, he just had 11 days off, and I clocked him for 4.5 of those days, his hours spent on the machine was 59.5 hours. I ve done this before for a whole month becasue people told me there is nothing wrong with him playing his games, his monthly hours were 248.  our daughter gets mad sometimes and tells him all he ever does is play his games, but he brushes it off, and says she's just trying to get her own way. I have tried talking to him and telling him about ignoring us all the ime, because he puts on headphones to play these, so I cant even talk to him, now he has online things so he talks to strangers all over the world when he plays them, and i sit here and watch TV and am alone. He thinks I am controlling when I try to tell him how I feel. i dont want him to stop, he enjoys it, but i think hes missing out on his kids and Im afraid that when the kids move out, I wont stay either, because it's hard to be ignored day after day. He set his goal on hold for us. He's suppose to be playing music but quit to support us, and Im afraid that this is the reason why he plays, he trying to forget. Although when he did play music, he still played games as much as he could, so maybe it's not  the reason. He'll go over to his cousin's house at least three times a month and maybe stay over so they can play till 600 in the morning, and i'm told at least I know where he is, but it's not that comforting. he's 37 and I am at a loss now, I dont know how much I am suppose to put up with. I have to say I am very cranky and moody because of this and I am afraid that when the kids go, we no longer have anything in common, not that we do now. He never takes me anywhere, and this is becasue he says we cant afford it, but we always manage to afford the new games or a new system. Please if someone out there has some advice or know s what I am going though, I would love to get some help on this matter, I just dont know what else to do anymore,. Thanks all.

Are you sitting there getting mad because he is playing the games?  What you doing with you life while he is playing.  Why wait for him to take you somewhere.  Pack up the kids and go to the park or what ever.  There are so many things that you can do that don't cost money.  My husband gets distracted with the computer.  A new program so forth.  All men like their toys.  Which is fine.  But it needs to be limited.  You have to teach the kids that the games are not everything.  If everyone is just sitting around watching dad.  What does that teach them.   I distract my husband.  Come up behind him and hug him, nibble on the neck, what ever it takes when he is engrossed in the computer.  If I just ask him to get off it does not work.  But you can not get as engrossed in getting upset about him as he is in the games.  He will either keep playing the games or join you.  Either way you are having fun and getting your mind off of his game playing.   

  

My husband and I are in a community band.  We go once a week just to keep our minds off of other things.  You don't have to play to be in a band and have it to consume you.  There are local bands and things that just meet every once in a while.  It is a wonderful way to have fun and not spend money.   

  

If he likes games go bowling with the family.  I don't know.  There is no answer.  It is all in what you want to do with life.   

  

See, even if you divorced him and left him.  What are  you going to do?  What would he be doing?  I bet he would be on-line and so forth even more.  Every time you go to do something.  Like take a walk in the mall.  Invite him..  While you have a chance to get out of the house, at least so is he....  Evey time I go some where I have to let him stop in the computer section.  I go look at other things.....  And he is happy.  Most of the time I make it clear he can look he just can't buy.....  And he is fine with that.  We have an agreement that if something is more than $40.  We ask the other person if it is alright to get it.  So once a month he does get something.  I think it has given him incentive to spend more time deciding what he wants and a few more trips out....  So it gets him out of the house....  I may have to rent a so called guy flick once a month.  (Sports, action pack, so forth) and sit and watch it with him in order to get his time.   

  

So why be alone.  Go to a friends house, go walk around the neighborhood.  I don't know? But it is all up to  you........   He is in control of you and the games.  While he is playing, he is keeping you in the house as well.  Go to the gym anything.   Just find something that you can enjoy as well.  Not just watching him play.............  You local parks and recreation usually offers classes in different things for just a few dollars.   It is sad that you know exactly how many hours he has spent on the game.  I don't know what he played in the band.  Maybe you could learn it and play with him.....  No one has the answer but you...  You just have to figure it out......   

  

Best of luck...... 

 
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October 13, 2005, 7:11 am CDT

First Marriage was Hell

Quote From: aintaho

Just so you know, I don't sit and whallow or sit and watch him play his games. I do have my own life and so do the kids, unfortunately, its becomming to common to be without him.  I get involved in everything he likes to do. He has people who tell him how lucky he is to have the lifestyle he has, and a women who understands his needs to relax, that is not the problem. I can see that you don't know what it is like to have someone addicted to something, and it is not just as easy to do the things you are suggesting, it is not a hobby anymore, it is controlling the way he lives and we live. I was looking for people who may have the same problem, I needed to know that this is happening at other homes, and maybe they have suggestions, i appreciate your thoughts on the matter, but you dont really understand the problem, it is not as easy  as you seem to have put it. i am looking for an answer before I am too used to being alone, and the kids used to being without their Dad, because the games are more important..    thank you anyway for your thoughts and ideas...

I don't believe that you wallow or sit around and watch him playing the games.  I did have a husband addicted to video games.  And if it was not that it was football.  Then when it was not that it was hunting.  Never anything together.  You have to let him know that it bothers you.  But only he can change what he wants to do.  I found out that if I hounded him he would stay on the games even longer.  He got mad if the kids made noises around him or interrupted him.   

  

My kids have learned, who are now teenagers.  He never changed.  My kids do not take priority in his life.  We divorced and he feels that his fatherly thing is just to pay his child support.  To this day he just married a younger woman who does her thing and he does his.  She does not try to have to spend time with him.  But my kids learned that it was not right to do what he does, but he can't be changed.  When they see a parent that is loving and responsive to them and not what he is doing that makes the world of good.  You can't change him.  My ex it angered him that my kids had such a better response to me than him.  When my kids to go visit maybe every couple of years.  He still sits in front of that game.  What I am saying is don't compete with the game.  You have to enjoy life.  And he has the choice to join you or just keep doing what he is doing.  In the future you will have the memories with your kids and so forth.  What will he have......  If they see you getting upset about it.  It also upsets them.  It then turns him more to the game.  I have found out that with men like this it either upsets them and they change.  Or they just stay the way the are and it gets worse.  So many men and even women are addicted to these games.  My now husband lost his wife to someone else who played these games on line.  They went from playing the games to meeting each other and having...... games.   The point is if he changes then you have each other.  If he does not change then you have to either find something to get your mind off of him.  Or end the marriage.  Because the point is he is enjoying the thrill of the game more than life.  That is not your fault.  And believe me I had a collicy baby that put me in the hospital due to exhaustion and he was still more interested in the games......  It is 22 years later and he has not changed.  But I have and so have my children.  They hate that he stays on the games.  But the point is that they learned from me that it is not alright.  And I did not put him down for what he was doing.  He more or less did that on his own in his kids eyes.  If you don't want to work on a marriage you have to decide.  I am doing everything on my own anyway.  You have to decide what you want in life....  I will say some people even myself need the affection and the contact.  I did not get it from him.....  So many marriages break up because of computers, games, and expenses put in.....   

  

The second marriage we did not have children together and he had his obsessions too.  I could break him away from them....  I will say from experience that there are signs that they are this way, before it gets to be a problem.   

  

With my new husband it is his motor cycle.  But he will ask me if he can go riding.  I am lucky and have a good one this time.  But you can't change them.  They have to learn what they need in life....   

  

I would try to hide the games or what ever I could.  All it got me was beat up.....  You do have to express how it upsets you.  But in a way that they don't take it as an attack....  It is an addiction just like a drug.....  It is just weaning them away.   But some men or women just don't change.......  But the thing is not to let it eat you up inside.....  That is what I am saying.....   

  

Just like last night.  I was busy working on homework... I am trying to get a degree.....  Work full time and so forth.  I asked him to start dinner.....  What did he do..  He pulled up a chair and turned on the computer.... Had a new program he wanted to learn....  I got up and said I guess will just have to do it......... In a calm voice and go up and started dinner.  He still stayed glued to the computer..... We ate dinner with out him....  And then I went up and went to bed.   It took a while when he went down and asked where his dinner was......  I told him the family had dinner......  But since he was so engrossed in the computer instead of family......  He had to figure it out himself......  He then made his own dinner and we talked it out.....   

  

I learned I WILL NOT MAKE MYSELF MAD about a game or a computer ever again in my life.... If they miss out on time with me it is there loss and not mine..........   But no marriage is perfect and all men have flaws and their toys.......  It is not worth my blood pressure and health........  Best of luck.  If you can get him in counceling that might help... But you can't do it for him... Sometimes and outsider can help.....   

 

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