Messages By: ralphy

Hey Jenny  

My name is Sarah and I recently turned 21 also...I have battled annorexia since I was around 15 and a half.  I can relate to other people perception that you should just eat.....For me eating menat feeling and I have had a few experiences in my past that emotionally I have wanted to bury.  I managed to bury them but at the same time neary dug my own grave.  It is hard to admit that there really is a problem with your eating.  An eating disorder is like a best friend but trust me it will start by standing beside you but gradually it no longer just holds your hand and instead starts dragging you along.  It has taken me years to recognise why I could simply not bear the idea of eating.  Being forced to eat only meant I had no choice but to get ride of the food by either hiding it, exercising or vomitting.  These rituals comforted my anxiety but fuelled my eating disorder to the point of near death.  I have been hospitalised numerous times and am finally making progress with the help of a really fabulous team.  Hang in there...once you start to let go of your eating disorder and recognise why it started...your future starts to become more positive and worth being healthy to live and enjoy!!! 

Your intense fear of weight gain and your goals to eat less each day and early warning signs that an eating disorder is beginning to appear right next to you.  You may think it makes you feel good or makes you stronger, smarter, prettier or even more acceptable but that eating disorder will not stay standing next to you for long....The more weight you lose and the more fear you get of eating the strobger this shadow will become.  I trusted my annorexia since I was 15 and half until my 21st birthday...yes that means I did not celebrate my birthday because I was stuck away in hospital.  It take so much away from you that you are left drained, exhausted and feeling like their is no hope.  I have been down this road and the euphoria of losing weight soon wears off as your life becomes restricted by harsh routines and unbreakable demands.  Your social life fades, your friends disappear and you are seperated from the world and the life you could truly fufill.  Trust in someone close and seek out a good consellor.  It won't be easy and you will want to turn to your old habits to ease the discomfort but fight hard and each day will become a little less of a battle...and eventually you will laugh again...and see yourself as worthwhile!! 

You have three beautiful kids who will want a mother to play and enjoy life with.  Trust in someone and share your thoughts...because a problem shared is a problem halved.  It will be a hard battle but each day lets you live a little more and laugh a little more because you don't have your annorexia dragging your thoughts here and there.  It is hard to accept that people are really genuine and could even slightly understand the pain you are in when you look in the mirrror...anything anyone says goes in to your head and is suddenly spun into to a negative..I swear sometimes annorexics create a severly negatively geared mind.  So battle hard and stay strong... 

Sarah!