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October 11, 2005, 7:04 am PDT

just looking for some advice

Although i'm not married, my boyfriend and I are planning on getting married. We have been together for over a year and have lived together going on 4 months. We know we are ment to be together we have been glued at the hip since we first started dating. Anyway, I do have a question about a myth. The myth that if a child was abused or witnessed abuse he will grow up and be an abuser. I don't think this is a myth I think it is a fact. But, does it mean that every abused child will grow up like their abuser? I'm asking this because I recently found out that my boyfriend's father abused his mother physically, and emotionally and sexually. My boyfriend didn't tell me this though, his mother did, and when I asked my boyfriend to talk about it with me he got extremely upset and said when he is ready he will tell me, but he siad he won't be ready for a very long time. I'm a strong woman and I wouldn't stay with a man that abuses me no matter what form it is in. My boyfriend has never been abusive to me. We have gotten into some huge arguements but he has never raised his hand to me, and never sexually abused me. As far as emotion abuse, he has been nothing but supportive and encouraging. When we have had our arguments in the past he does get right up in my face. I love my boyfriend and I do want to spend the rest of my life with him. However, I'm now afraid that he will end up being like his father. Will he be? what do you think? I don't want to get married and then find out he is abusive. He won't talk to me about it at all but he has insured me that if he ever became abusive he would leave me cause he wouldn't be able to live with himself. Am I looking too much into this? Am I even on the right message board? I want to tell my boyfriend everything his mother told me but his mother has also binded me to secrecy and I know he will go back to his mother if I tell him. I can't stop thinking about this, and what I should do. I decided to just wait it out and see if he will ever tell me about his childhood.

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galatea

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October 11, 2005, 7:23 am PDT

What Should We Do?

My boyfriend and I are planning on getting married. We have been together for over a year and have lived together going on 4 months. We know we are ment to be together we have been glued at the hip since we first started dating. However, I do have a concern. I recently found out my boyfriend witnessed abuse. Is it true that if a child was abused or witnessed abuse he will grow up and be an abuser. I have always thought they end up just like the abuser. But, does it mean that every abused child will grow up like their abuser? My boyfriend's father abused his mother physically, and emotionally and sexually. My boyfriend didn't tell me this though, his mother did, and when I asked my boyfriend to talk about it with me he got extremely upset and said when he is ready he will tell me, but he siad he won't be ready for a very long time. I'm a strong woman and I wouldn't stay with a man that abuses me no matter what form it is in. My boyfriend has never been abusive to me. We have gotten into some huge arguements but he has never raised his hand to me, and never sexually abused me. As far as emotional abuse, he has been nothing but supportive and encouraging. When we have had our arguments in the past he does get right up in my face. I love my boyfriend and I do want to spend the rest of my life with him. However, I'm now afraid that he will end up being like his father. Will he be? what do you think? I don't want to get married and then find out he is abusive. He won't talk to me about it at all but he has insured me that if he ever became abusive he would leave me cause he wouldn't be able to live with himself. Am I looking too much into this? I want to tell my boyfriend everything his mother told me but his mother has also binded me to secrecy and I know he will go back to his mother if I tell him. I can't stop thinking about this, and what I should do. I decided to just wait it out and see if he will ever tell me about his childhood.

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galatea

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October 21, 2005, 12:40 pm PDT

Thank you

Quote From: chantalh

When I read your story it made me think of the horror stories my mother had told me. I am only 24 but come from a very colourful history. My mum being the oldest of 9 kids grew up with a very abusive father, not only did he abuse my nan but also my mum and her siblings, emotionally, physically and sexually. Did they all end up the abuser? No, not all, but one of my uncles learning from him did sexually molest me when I was about 9. My mum on the other hand was the absolute opposite of what she grew up with. Never did she lay a hand on me or was abusive to me at all, some of my other uncles have never abused their kids or wives. It's not as cut and dry as saying yes or no, really the decision to be an abuser is the persons. As for whether or not you should trust your boyfriend, well only you can decide on that one. You have this information, use it to keep an eye out for any signs but don't be paranoid with it. It's not easy opening up and talking about any type of abuse, witnessing or otherwise. He knows your concerns and hopefully in time he will open up about it understanding that it is important to him moving on and also important to your relationship going forward. I do believe that he is probably just trying to bury what he remembers, I can guarantee you that those memories are something that probably haunt him and are hard for him to deal with. Be patient, if you love him which I believe you do, then just be patient but don't forget yourself in this either and what's important to you to know and be sure of. Remember this is something that will be a part of him and who he is forever.

And as for telling him what his mother told you, I would say best not to do that. From my own personal experience I know that if you aren't ready to talk about it, you aren't ready to talk about it, no matter how hard someone pushes the issue. I didn't remember my abuse until I was about 15, it took me until I was 19 to finally deal with it and tell my family and friends about it so I could deal with it. I had to be ready to do that, just as he will have to be. Again, patience is important. Good Luck and I hope you guys go forward and have a great and wonderful loving life together!

Thank you for taking the time to reply, I really appreciate it. You're right, it is up to the person on whether or not they end up like the abuser. That is why I believe my boyfriend won't be like his father. I have tried talking about it with my boyfriend and I just reassured him when he is ready that I will be here to listen. You're right, I have signs to watch for now and I know if anything does come up in the future I'll be able to understand and deal with the situation. Thank you for helping me and sharing a bit of your story as well.

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galatea

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October 25, 2005, 9:19 am PDT

Thank You

Quote From: ritehere

It's really too bad that your future MIL made you promise not to say that she was the one who told you about the abuse. It would probably help both her and your fiance to get counseling, separately and together.
You are not wrong to want to address this issue before you commit to marriage. I would tell him that it has come to your attention that he witnessed abuse as a child and that you are concerned for the future of your marriage and possible children because of the examples he was shown as a child. Do not make him feel that he is defective, but let him know that you care for him and want to have a happy life together. He may have every intention of not following in his father's footsteps, but life can throw us some nasty curve balls, and it's possible to slip into learned behaviors when we are stressed.

Counseling can help him come to terms with what he saw and the feelings and thinking he took away from the experience. There's no guarantee that he would fall into abusive patterns, but it's better for everyone involved if it's addressed openly now.

Tell your boyfriend's mother that she is a very courageous soul and that she did the right thing by stepping up to tell you about this. I hope she gets help for herself also. She deserves it.

Thank you for your reply. Yes I think counceling would help. I'm already looking into premarital counceling. I just want to make sure these issues are delt with before we get married. I know he has been in counciling him self before, and for all I know he could have delt with this a long time ago. But, I still would like to talk to him about it. So right now I have just told him that we have to talk about it before we get married and that I'm there for him 100% to talk about anything he wants to get off his chest. As for my future MIL I know she needs to get some help for this. Again she tried talking to me about her marrige problems ect. and she began crying. I felt so uncomfortable that I tried to comfort her the best I could then I cut our visit short because I didn't want to listen because I honestly don't know how to help her with her demons. I mean I wasn't mean about it or anything, I comforted her the best I could. I just really think she needs to talk with someone her own age and with someone that can relate to her problems, and give her advice. Thank you for your insite though. It's very much appreciated.

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galatea

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October 25, 2005, 9:29 am PDT

Thank You

Quote From: l_oving

I'm interested in your situation. I do have some insight for you, however I would appreciate it if you would like to e-mail me at hasina15@yahoo.ca and I can talk more. But first, let me tell you that domestic violence begins in the heart and mind; the way one acts begins with how one thinks. (James 1:14,15). It's very good that he is not abusive now. But there are bad influences out there and no matter what a person tells you, they will still hurt you, whether intentionally or unintentionally. So what there is needed is a solid foundation to a marriage before you get married. The same with your boyfriend. You need to discuss your feelings with him and go from there. In time, your boyfriend will talk to you about his past, but it would be better to know where you stand before you become committed and something breaks up the marriage. There will be problems in a marriage but the idea is how to handle them before they become too hard to deal with. To stop any violence, the abuser needs to transform his way of thinking. I know you said he is not abusive now but he does have some issues you will have to assist him in. Let me tell you, gaining accurate knowledge about this situation will change a person and they will be able to put on a new personality. (Ephesians 4:22-24; Colossians 3:8-10). If this interests you further please don't hesitate to e-mail me. Thank you.

Thank you for your reply. It really helps me knowing that there are people out there that can offer advice when I don't know where else to turn. I have been looking into premarital counceling for my b/f and I. I think this will help us out a lot. I have discussed it with him and he thinks it is not that necessary b/c we don't really have any problems. I told him it will help us talk about things and open up about our past. But we talked about it more and he has agreed to go when I find someone to go to. I have let my boyfriend know that I'm here for him and am ready to listen to him when he is ready, and be there for him. He appreciates that. Thank you for your email address I will email you when I am ready to talk about this more. Once again thank you for your posting.

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