Messages By: amurphy

I have been dating my boyfriend for close to two years. We moved in together and alot changed. 

I didn't think he was one of those guys that expected the woman to cater to his every need until he said I should wake up at the crack of dawn to make him breakfast. He leaves at 6am to go to work. I work full time too outside the home, but I don't have to be at work until 9am. I like to stay up late and wake up when I need to to go to work. He's complaining about that and says I should go to bed early and make him breakfast in the morning, or I should wake up make him breakfast and go back to sleep! Well, needless to say, I did not do that and I still don't make him breakfast. Why doesn't he make me coffee and breakfast since he's up before me? He doesn't.  

Then he went on to say I would make a lousy mother because I can't take care of him and a wife is supposed to take care of her husband and If I can't take care of him how am I supposed to take care of a kid - all because I won't make him breakfast. Well, we don't have kids and should epect him to help. Anyhow, I saw a post about a husband who brings his wife flowers and gifts and how she surprises him sometimes by dressing up in high heels and meeting him at the door and how they respect eachother. Then it dawned on me. This is sad, very sad. But he never ever got me flowers, never a gift except for christmas, never a gift on Valentine's Day or my Birthday. Never a surprise anything. I have mentioned this too him and all he says is so. I realised I am not emotionally fulfilled. I don't feel like we even have a relationship. I cook and clean the house. All he does id complain about things not being done or done right and he doesn't lift a finger to help. I am starting to feel like his hired help. My resentment is showing in our relationship. I don't do nice things for him anymore - I have, but feel like I didn't get anything nice in return - ever. Because I don't wake up to make him breakfast, he has made me feel like I am not good enough and that I don't fit what he has in his mind that a woman/wife should be. So, that made me angry and hurt. (However, I have my own expectations of what a good husband is, and , at the moment he isn't filling it! ) He doesn't mention it anymore but I think somewhere deep down he won't marry me because of this - or thinks I would make a lousy wife. I also have a career. When I mention working late he says I should tell them I need to go home and cook my boyfriend dinner. Excuse me, do you think my boss would like that - Oh, I can't work late because I have to go home and cook dinner????  

When he met me I had a career, I am not going to change that to take care of him - especially because we don't have kids! It would be different if I was a stay at home mom with kids. I have bills to pay too and I need to work. I am confused. Is he just using me to clean his house and cook for him and trying to get whatever he can from me, or, is this just what he really thinks? 

Should I leave him or discuss my concerns with him? 

That's another thing, whenever I do talk about problems at work with co-workers or whatever, he says he is sick of hearing it and just forget about it or get a new job. When he asks how was work all he wants to hear is good or bad - no elaborate detail. 

I feel like we don't connect. There is no bond. I don't feel like his girlfriend. We don't go out anywhere. He never does anything special for me. He comes home from work and sleeps on the couch until the next day. He has a problem with the fact that I like to sleep in on the weekends and says I need a schedule. Well, he comes home, plops on the couch at 5pm and sleeps until 7am the next day!! No wonder he is up at 7am, he went to bed at 5pm the day before and he has the nerve to tell me I can't sleep in on weekends!!!!!!!! Then, he doesn't like it when I tell him this. He gets defensive. He can tell me what to do, but if I tell him what to do he gets an attitude. 

I had no idea he was like this until we moved in together. I guess that's a good thing - I didn't find out AFTER we got married at least. I still have time to change this. 

So, why am I writing you ask? 

I want to know if my expectations are too high of men, are all men like him? Alot of you sound like you have great relationships. I need advice. How do I know I found a great guy? What is a good boyfriend? Should I talk to him about how I am feeling (I think I have avoided this because he might say - just leave or something. I am not ready to handle that just yet - but close to it)? Do you think he can change? Should I invest time into this relationship and try to change him, or should I leave and start dating again? Is he trying to break it off with me maybe? He also critizes me in front of his family - like I can't fold pants or this or that - stupid things. He tells me how to work out at the gym (very annoying) but he won't go with me to the gym. I don't even remember the last time he said anything nice to me. 

So, are there good guys out there or am I asking for too much? 

Thanks, 

I need the advice. 

A 

Thanks for being upfront with me about this, but I think you are being a little harsh. We talked about marriage alot before we moved in together. It wasn't until we moved in together that I realised what his views really were about gender roles in a relationship. What I am finding out since we moved in together is disturbing. I am sure if we got married then moved in together, he would still be the same way. I just would have found out a little later. I understand what you are saying about the "milk for free". I guess I believed everything he said before we moved in together. I trusted him and he didn't give me any clue as to how he really was or that he really didn't want to marry me. To be honest with you, he doesn't want a penny from me - so I am not giving him rent. The only thing he has to gain from this arrangement is a clean house and dinner. He actually spends more on me. I think that I am not meeting his expectation of a perfect wife who waits on her husband, and he isn't meeting my expectation of what a good husband should be like. Anyhow, I am not saying you are wrong. It could have been a huge mistake moving in with him. I guess I just trusted him. 

A 

I would like to know why a 29 yr old guy would tell a girl he loves her, makes her believe they are to get married, treats her like gold, they move in together, then have sex and then tells his friends she is a slut after they have sex (even though it didn't happen until they knew each other for a while - it wasn't the first date or anything) and that he is trying to get rid of her and she thinks they are going to get married and that she is ugly even though he told her she's beautiful ????  

This happened to a friend of mine. We all thought he was a great guy - until she overheard him talking about her like that. He even told his family this and now the sister in law is calling her a slut and won't even let her husband be alone with her in the same room.  

My friend is not a slut. She was in a 4-1/2 yr relationship before this guy and that's it. She even told him she takes sex seriously. Why would he go around saying stuff like that about her? 

Anyhow, he did start treating her badly after they had sex. Why? 

I am interested in the part where you mentioned legal recourse. 

I started a job once and a co-worker was going around saying I was stupid and no one likes her and lets fire her. She never even met me. She felt threatened because the comapny was downsizing and  she thought they were trying to replace her with someone who would except less money to do the same job. She ended up being my coach ( like a supervisor but only responsible for your review.) She gave me a lousy review and tried to get me fired. I requested to speak to a manager about the situation. He refused to believe me because "several people" complained. Well, the "several people" that complained were all in her group of friends who also felt threatened. I did above and beyond what my job title was. I was blamed for mistakes I didn't even make! In fact, I found mistakes others were making! I ended up getting fired. I filed for unemployment. The unemployment office even said there was no proof of poor performance because there was no poor performance. They said stupid things in my review like - I didn't take notes. Sometimes I didn't but this had no bearing on my job performance. I have an excellent memory and don't have to write every little thing down.  

I was young at the time and didn't know how to handle this. I got fired because of a group of girls that were outto get me and spread rumors that I was stupid. 

What could I have done in this situation? Could I sue for slander? Can I still? Or should I let forget about it? 

I am currently in a similiar situation. I have been going out with this guy for two years. 

He was romantic, loving, caring, outgoing, spontaneous, and incredible in bed. My friends were very impressed by the way he seemed so interested in me and attentive. 

Then, one day, his attitude changed. All he does is sit on the couch and watch TV. He doesn't want to go anywhere. He says he isn't a sociable person. He doesn't want to go out with me and my friends. I told him I am sick of sitting at home doing nothing. He says go ahead, go out and have fun with your friends, go out without me.  

The sex was good for about eight months, then absolutely nothing for about three months! And the sex hasn't been the same since! No foreplay - he says he used to do that in the beginning but it's too much work - he says you know how much work that is? Sometimes he says I am too clingy if I try to get sex. 

His idea of turning me on (when that does happen - which is about once a month) is getting naked, lying on the  bed, starting to touch himself, and then he expects me to finish arousing him and hop on top! He doesn't even kiss me or anything!  

He even says he's too tired. Is it me - is it an excuse? The relationship has really gone down hill. I am starting to look else where. He's not the same guy I met. I also can't even imagine marrying him - the sex is horrible.  

I have tried to talk to him about it. He sometimes says he's too tired. Other times, that foreplay is too much work. Sometimes he says he gets me aroused by his organ. I told him I need foreplay. 

When he just lies there and expects me to arouse him now, I get angry. I ask him why he doesn't give me any foreplay. He says he doesn't know how to arouse me. He sure did in the beginning of the relationship! What could be really going on here? He won't even touch me! All he does is touch himself and expect me to touch him and that's it. He was great in the beginning.  

He also said why don't I give him more foreplay and he's tired of always initiating and that he wants me to initiate. But, when I do, I either end up giving him oral with nothing in return, or, I arouse him and he expects me to jump on top. No kissing nothing. 

All I want is some intimacy, some romance. A foot rub. A back rub. A hot bath with candles. All I want is to be touched! Kissed! What happened? 

I am going to end up leaving him if things don't change. 

I go out without him because all he wants to do is sit around the house and watch TV. I go to the movies alone, go out with friends without him. He won't even go to the movie rental place with me. He wants me to go, pick the movie, and then he falls asleep watching it. We don't have meaningful conversations because all he does is come home, sit in front of the TV. I can't even talk to him because all he ever does is sleep or watch TV!!!! 

One day his cat went missing for a day and a half. I realized I take care of his cat and spend more time with his cat, and that his cat is actually filling a void that I don't get from him - companionship! 

I feel alone even though I am in a so called 'relationship'. He didn't buy me anything for my birthday or Valentine's Day. Christmas was only because he knew if he didn't he'd really dissappoint me for all the other times he didn't get me anything. 

I told him how I feel. He said if it's that bad then break up with me. 

He's right - I should. But it's so hard. 

Could it be that that is what he wants? Is he trying to get me to break up with him or is he depressed? 

I am starting to look - on line and when I go out. 

If I met someone else, I think he would be out of the picture. 

The trouble is, I thought I met MR. Right - Mr. Incredible when I met him. Now, I don't trust myself anymore - my judgement. I don't trust men anymore. I am afraid they will all just end up dissappointing me after I fall in love with them because they were being something they are not, and then the true colors show later. I thought I knew this guy. I am scared of making the same mistakes again. 

I want to get married. I am 33. I don't have much time to waste. He told me he wanted kids and marriage when we first met. Now, all of a sudden he doesn't want kids and he is afraid to get married because his parents divorced when he was young. 

I really just want to be happy in a relationship and find a genuine guy who won't lie to me. 

I want trust and intimacy.  

I am so scared because this seems to be a pattern. I've had similiar experiences before - they seem great then turn into something else. 

This time, I was really fooled. He seemed terrific. I am still starting to realize he was a fake.  

How do you know you met the right guy and he isn't going to turn into a frog later? 

HELP!