Messages By: themoi

this struck a chord.  I also had a controlling mom--not overprotective--controling.  To the point I was not allowed to associated with my friends, whom she knew, and also knew their parents and knew they were "good" kids not the type to get into trouble.  I can probably count on 1 hand the times I got to go places with them from the ages of 13-19.  Both my girlfriends got married at 19 and I never saw them again.  Because of being restricted to home, I didn't have a date or boyfriend till I was 25.  I didn't know how to socialize with people my own age, or how to have a relationship.  I thought if you gave a guy what he wanted (sex) he might want to have a relationship with you.  So I ended up with a lot of 1 night stands and no relationships.  Married an alcoholic and have been to 5 different therapists who all pin my relationship and life in general problems squarely on the controling mother.  One told me because of how I was raised I'd either end up an alcoholic or married to one, another said I was emotionally 10 years behind where I should be for my age, the last one said if my mom hadn't been dead already she'd probably kill her herself for the damage she did.   

So whatever you do--don't do what my mom did unless you want a screwed up kid with big shrink bills and bad relationships.   

at all this anguish on here.  First if there is a relationship, if there is no expressed commitment between the 2 parties, both are free to see others. That is something that needs to be discussed and agreed upon.   A commitment is that, "I commit to you to the exclusion of all others".   

Also all this anguish about wanting to jump into a dating relationship.  What happened to being friends first?  Keeping things cool and not thinking about them as a potential partner until you know them as a person?  My husband and I dated casually, we both saw other people, when he told me he had quit seeing the other person as he thought he and I were "serious", I knew then if I wanted a real relationship with him, I needed to cut out my "others" which I did.  Till there was that commitment between us, things were open.   

It's not rocket science.  Chill, people.   

my husband did come into my life when I had given up and was resigned to being single.  At that point all I wanted was friends, and we were.  Which worked.   

Are stuck in bad or dead marriges because they either can't afford to divorce or a divorce will leave them financally strapped?   

I know of at least 3 situations.  One the guy is in his early/mid 40's, has 2 kids he wants to put through college, a wife who won't have sex with him or clean the house which looks like a pigsty even though she doesn't work (and has a college education).  If he makes any comment about the condition of the house she gets mad at him.  He and the kids have tried to help with the house but it doesn't stay clean.  She insists she's not depressed and won't go to therapy.  He makes over $100,000 a year and fears she would take him to the cleaners and he won't be able to put the kids through college.  So he stays "for the kids sake till their out of the house" (yeah, right)  and has affairs .   

Another is in his early 60's.  Both he and his wife work, wife won't have sex with him, she has let herself go and is grossly overweight, she works also, but he is afraid of loosing financially to her in a divorce, being so close to retirement, but says he can't retire and stay home with her, it would drive him crazy.  He has had a series of girlfriends over the last 15-20 years.   

I'm married to a functional alcoholic whose weekend entertainment is watching TV, playing slot machines for points (not money) on the computer and drinking beer.  I want a life but I can't afford to leave as I have rental properties I'd have to split with him even though he's made no financial or sweat equity contribution towards them, because I found out my pre nup isn't worth the paper it's written on.  I'm looking for a part time job but nobody wants to pay anything to make it worth the taxes they take out.   

Is the devil you know really better than the devil you don't know?   

I have taken it to 3 attorneys who all said the same thing.  It is written in broad language saying anything owned before the marriage belongs to the parties who owned it, anything bought afterwards should be split.  It doesn't detail the property owned before the marriage, i.e. legal description, etc.  It was made by 1 attorney represnting both parties.  I didn't know we were to have our own attorneys to repesent each of us.  Before the marriage I owned 2 houses (one to live in, the other rental).  Since the marriage I have bought 3 more rental houses, we have established 401K's and IRA's we didn't have before, which aren't listed in the pre nup.   

I was advised to get a post nup, done by my own attorney and approved by his attorney to protect my assests.  Unfortunately he wouldn't be willing to put out the money to do that, and it would send a red flag that I was planning something, and that the other pre nup was worthless (which he doesn't know).  As it is now, I would have to give him either a cash settlement of unknown amount or one of the houses.  I have financed, purchased (deeded in my name), and done the sweat equity on these houses--not him.  He should not get a house free gratis just because he married me, which he would only turn around and sell.  Seems I'm in the position most men are--I'm in the position to get cleaned out, not him.   

Sarah needs to run as fast as she can back to the house, find a locksmith, change the locks, and throw this guys stuff (if he has any she didn't buy) out on the porch and say BE GONE YOU CREEP!!   If he has stuff she bought, keep it and sell it and get your money back!  She is enabling him to stay the way he is by continuing to keep him there and she needs to work on her self-esteem that she thinks she can't do better!  

I would never date much less live with or become engaged to a man who did not or would not work.  If he has no interest in supporting himself, why would he want to support you?!  Add to that a drinking problem, stealing (yes, let's call it what it is) steaing from her purse (that would have me pissed NO END) and his big ambition if she kicks him out is to find another SUCKER to take him in.  Oh yeah, that's real ambition at it's finest!  He is an adult and can take care of himself, if he wants to.  Obviously he doesn't want to so why enable the jerk?   

(been married for 16) because he didn't want to listen to me when I told him what he needed and I got tired of "servicing" him and not getting anything out of it.  How can you get anything out of it when it lasts for 2 minutes start to finish, no foreplay, he's done and rolling over, and you're just thinking of getting started, but he doesn't care.  Orgasm?  Forget it.  He didn't care as long as he had his, whether I was satisfied or not was of no concern to him.   

 I now have 4 lovers, 2 married, 2 single.  They came on to me, not me to them.  The 2 married ones have wives that either won't put out at all,  or put out once a month--if that, but he can tell she's only doing it because he wants it, she doesn't enjoy it.  They are starving--not so much for sex but for attention to them as a person, and most of all, the affection that they are deprived of at home.  Their wives do not appreciate what they do for them, and both are staying in the marrige because it would cost them too much financially to leave and start over, one being in their mid 40's and the other early 60's.  They bend over backwards for their women, but are treated like crap in the bedroom.  The 40 something has offered to go to counseling with his wife but she refuses since to her there is no problem.