Messages By: chitownil

Ok all... I need an honest opinion on this.  I need to fix this right away. 

I have a 16 year old daughter who dated a boy for about 14 months.  This boy spent a lot of time with our family.  He went on family vacation with us.  He spent the weekends here because his family is a mess. They cannot give him anything.  He doesn't have what kids his age should have.    Mother likes to party.  Dad just moved here from living out of state.   I did a lot for him, picked him from his house rather than have him walking 5 miles in the rain/snow to visit my daughter etc.  I made sure he was safe on the weekends by letting him stay here.  I made sure he ate & had clean clothes. I had plenty of arguments with my daughter about him being here all the time, but it is what she wanted so I gave in and allowed it.   

Recently, out of the blue, my daughter broke up with this boy.  When I asked her why, she just said that he was always with her and she wanted her freedom and that he didn't do anything wrong to her.  She won't even have a conversation with him when he calls.  It's one or two words & she hangs up.  He told me that he misses the entire family because nobody has ever accepted him like we did.  I told her that this breakup is a loss for me too.  I grew to care about him like a son.  

I feel horrible about this.  I don't want him to feel abandoned.  I want him to know that if he needs something, he can call.  I want to help him get the things he needs so that he stays on the right path. 

I got into an argument with my daughter about him the other day (and there have been a couple previous arguments about the same subject).  I told her that I thought she was being rude to him and that it wasn't fair because he didn't do anything bad to her and she should at least be civil.  

She told me that she was going to her dads (we are divorced).  She doesn't go visit her dad at his house.  Her and her dad have an pretty good relationship.  They do see each other sporadically throughout the week (maybe an hour each time) and ocassionally will go have breakfast on Sundays.  He calls her a couple times every day.   When she said that, it was like sticking a knife in me.  I was hurt. She also told me this the last time we had an argument.  She hasn't stayed with her dad since he got re-married a year and a half ago.  She tried it, but clashed with his new wife as she is jealous of the attention my ex gives to our daughter.  Her & my daughter clashed before and his wife moved my daughters bed out and my ex brought all of my daughters things to my house.  He married into having 4 step kids.  I am not fond of his new family.  One of his step daughters lived at the house with her boyfriend and has since moved out.  The other daughter moved out with her boyfriend & had a baby at 17, but now is back home with the baby.  The other daughter moved out at 17 & lives with her boyfriend.  The son is always in trouble.  Her father gives her more leniency than I do as far as curfew and things of that nature.  I asked her if she wanted to stay at her dads & she said she thought it would be good if she stayed there a few days a week.  I told her that she would have to either live by his rules there or my rules here.  

She came home from school & started packing some things to go to her dads.  I asked her to leave her house key which she did.   I told her that if things got tense between us that she could go to her dads for the day and visit if she wanted to but she didn't have to move any of her things there.  She told my sister that I didn't want her here because I took her house key. 

I know I need to just let her be and make her own decisions.  If she chooses not to talk to her ex, I know I need to accept that and I'm working on it. I don't want her to think I don't love her and that she can't come home but I don't want her thinking she can run away every time there is a disagreement.  I haven't spoken to her in a day and it's killing me.  I don't want to push her away.  I want her here, not there.  She hurt me and I'm sure I hurt her back.  What do I do?   

I appreciate your reply.  You are right.  I did get attached.  The subject of her ex-boyfriend doesn't come up on a daily basis.  I knew from the get-go that they wouldn't last forever and I'm not trying to get them back together. I had just hoped they could keep the friendship.   

I did talk to her today and told her that I would no longer bring him up.  She did explain all of this to me and I just didn't want to hear it.  She did say exactly what you said in that she didn't want to give him hope that they would get back together and that is why she is avoiding him. I realize being in that situation makes it very uncomfortable for her and she shouldn't have to be uncomfortable.  I am seeing the light.  I told her it was her decision and that I have to accept that.  I told her that it probably is the right thing to do right now because he still cares about her.  I also told him that I am stepping out of what happens between the two of them.   We do talk about her day & her friends etc.  We have a pretty good relationship, but I know I let my concern over this boys well-being interfere in our relationship and I can't do that.     

I don't think I'm giving her the message that she needs someone to be valuable.  I actually think I'm trying to tell her the opposite.  I tried to tell her back then that she should be doing more with her friends instead of sitting in the house and focusing on just her boyfriend.  But she wasn't hearing me.  This was a boy that she was "so in love with", went on birth control, was her first love and then she dumped him shortly after like he had no meaning in her life.   That is what I don't understand.   

One month after their breakup, she told me she is dating another boy.   I don't want her getting involved in the same sort of situation.  I want her to enjoy her freedom, go out with her friends, have fun, do good in school and not worry about boys.  I don't want her to jump in the same sort of situation.  I am very uneasy that she is dating someone else so soon knowing that she was sexually active with her ex-boyfriend.  I don't want her to be the same way with this new boy.   I know I know... it's life.  It happens. 

I understand that it is her life, but she's 16.  I just don't know what to think or do.