Messages By: feliss75

Alright then, you're dense and oblivious.   

First, forget the 'signals'... urban myth, evolutionary mumbo jumbo, add puritan sexual mind games, God knows what else and we're all screwed and off the track...no one does what we're supposed to anymore. 

Another reason to forget the signals is they are a complete stereotype (boooo).  Women are individuals, with individual reactions when we are attracted to a man.  Some of the clearest 'signals' we send are things that possibly no one else will do... you'll learn subtle is a good thing. 

When a woman, stranger or recently introduced, is being friendly...you're being friendly...feels nice but you don't know, you're not interpreting it... 

friendly smile, 

and ask her, ask her, she knows 

...are you flirting with me? 

I am a 35 year old single mom.  I have tried the internet thing.  I attend church regularly and have a ton of friends.  I have decided to stay single.  The reason for my decision is because I can not find any "real" men out there.  Everyone I have run into whether it be in my church or on the internet is fake and not true to who they are.  They will tell me what they beleive I want to hear.  Being a Christian they will pray with me, quote scripture to me, tell me how much they would love to be a father to my son, and then turn out to be totally lying.  It will turn out they are not commited to God.  They are more interested in sex than anything else.  They are using my son to get me to fall more for them.  They have turned out to be married, say they have a job when in fact they are not working, say they have their own place when in fact they still live at home with their parents, etc.   

I have seen posts on here regarding women that do not tell the truth.  Well, I for one am not one of those.  I am upfront that I am a Christian.  I am upfront that I will  not have sex until marriage.  I am upfront that although I am not looking for a millionaire, I am looking for someone that is financially stable and can at least take care of themselves and live on their own.  I take care of me and my son, I just don't want the responsibility of having to financially take care of someone else.  I am tired of being single, but I am not wiling to throw out all of my morals and values in order to be in a relationship.  Most of my friends and all my family are married.  I often feel like a third wheel at family functions and when around my married friends because they can talk about their spouses, their sex lives, and other marital things that I can't.   But, I have now chosen to stay single rather than settle for someone in my life that is going to lie to me in the beginning about who they truly are.  I am not doing the internet thing anymore,  I do not go to bars,  and my friends that are single....We get together and hang out with our children, and have a wonderful time. 

I'd have it on all the time and teach it to everyone.  That would tend to make more guys act nice, because they'd be so easy to spot and we'd call them on it.  They'd either clean up their act, or slide away.   

Working on your self confidence is great.  You're right, there will always be things along the way to shake us up and it gets difficult to trust that we're actually confident, able, and not crazy...  mostly. 

Meeting guys is easy when you're already at a social.  Men love to be met.  Friendly smile, say hi and ask if they're having a nice time.  Not easy maybe, scarey, eek, but you know...they're as nervous as we are.  Ask how they know the host... who you might know in common, how they like the band...who did they arrive with.  Short meeting, friendly...la la la, no sweat here and then mingle around.   Go meet others the same way, men and women.  It's good practice for boosting your confidence, you don't focus so much just on the men, and one of those ladies may have arrived with her handsome cousin. 

Confidence in yourself, that you are able to take care of yourself, will make it easier to tell who is good and who is bad for you.  Trust that you are okay and don't desperately need a man, right now, means there's no need to accept a man who doesn't fit into the basic picture of the kind of man you want.  

Self-confidence makes it easier for us to tell people what we want, and to stick up for ourselves.  Unacceptable behaviors we choose as a deal-breakers, what we are not willing to negotiate, those things want to be addressed soon as they come up.  Those selfish men were probably selfish right from the start.  Early in relationships we tend to forgive behavior that isn't cool... we think it's cute, he's mad, he means this, he means that....  Call him on it, ask him what he means right there and say how it affects you.   

You can't spot the good ones from the bad ones just by looking, and first impressions can suck.  Some of the best people you want to know give a not-so-good first impression.  Communication is key.  I think it's good advice to really listen to people, to the words they choose.  I tend to believe people when they tell me what kind of people they are.  Not right off the bat at first meeting, but when a new friend is constantly 'forgetting' to return calls, or is often late... talk to them about it and they blow you off with something like, 'oh, I'm not really very good at that kind of thing...'.  Take that literally, that they really aren't very good at being considerate and 'that sort of thing'.  

The one BIG thing I got from Dr. Phil's show is that we all have secrets - some are really bad and when we suppress them, we become prisoners -- never breaking the bondage from child to adult. 

I guess I have to admit that I'm a SHAME JUNKIE now.  Any time and I do mean any time I feel SHAME - I tell / talk about what I'm experiencing.  Cause when I do, I am giving myself permission to take the next small step forward. 

And yes, GOD is very supportive on my quest / journey. 

self-reflection - and how friends remember this most. 

The book 'Believing in Myself' by Earnie Larsen & Carol Hegarty is excellent. 

Each date has a quote, with explanation and the main point in bold at the bottom. 

I'll share a few a bit later. 

I'll try to put a few different topics into it. 

Taemanai 

Hi Feliss,  

it's so true that we teach people how to treat us.   I have had exactly the same experience with people who I thought were selfish, immature, and thoughtless.   When I was a kid I learned not to be selfish, not to complain, not to be demanding, not to act as if I were the center of the universe.   We didn't talk about feelings or problems we were having... you take care of it yourself and come back when you're happy.  It kinda got screwed into a pattern that my emotional and personal needs always seemed to come last.   

I had no self confidence in personal relationships.   I didn't choose people, people chose me...or not.   That's how it seems when I think back now, and when things got nasty I would leave. 

Long story.   Working on self confidence isn't easy, but the tools you learn are little miracles.  Telling someone I was upset with them because....(whatever), was so hard the first time.   Practice builds even more confidence and courage to speak up.   The learning was slow for me as well; maybe not so much the actual learning as the practicing of it.   

Please don't feel badly because you think you treated people too well.  When you treat people well it reflects that you're kind, considerate, interesting, caring, honest...all those great things and more.  Don't be sorry, don't stop treating other people well, don't change that about yourself.       

When we boost our self-confidence it starts a falling domino effect; it makes us treat ourselves better, we're confident enough to share more of ourselves with others, and that attracts people who are more the way we are.   I also believe it makes us better freinds for the good friends we can now weed out from the crowd.  

Good luck, don't loose that determination.   You said it, old inlearned ways are difficult to break, but you're not going to miss them one bit when they are gone.   We do teach others how we want to be treated.  Learn how that is by practicing the tools for building your self-confidence, because in practicing them you are also teaching yourself how you want to be treated.   Treat yourself with respect, forgive yourself and promise yourself this change, show yourself the love... :).    

It is all quoted, a bit shortened, from the book: 

Relationships 

'quote: 'Relationships are not answers to problems.  They are rewards for getting your life in order. - Horst S. info: Many of us think that a loving, trusting relationship would be the answer to all our loneliness and self-doubt.  ....Often a relationship is our reward for dealing with life in such a way that low self-esteem, repressed anger, chronic evasiveness, and the inability to share feelings are no longer pressing issues.... they ae the rewards and results of living a life capable of producing such treasures.  summary: How can I enjoy a relationship unless I'm capable of enjoyment?' (was from Jan 19) 

Some points from March 13: 'quote: 'A sound mind in a sound body is a short but full description of a happy state in this world' - John Locke 'summary: ....isn't it odd that no one ever taught us abot mental hygiene?..... five simple prescriptions.... 1 assert yourself: no one can resspond to what you don't say 2 be teachable: the ignorance you won't admit will catch up with you. 3 find confidants: Friends double your joys and divide your sorrows  4 Contribute something: Takers end up empty-handed.  5 Live today:  Anyone can be strong for twenty-four hours. 

Another for Nov 30: 'quote: 'Truth telling is not compatible with the defence of the realm - George Bernard Shaw' info: 'Healthy self-esteem grows from self-acceptance based on self-knowledge....' summary: 'To be honest about the depth of the hurt is the only real honesty'. 

It is difficult to give an idea of all the points without copying it all and that would take too long.  Just that all the quotes, information and summaries (meaning in a sentence), is extroadinarily well put, with preverence given to gradual realisation and understandings of famous quotes,put simply, over a year. 

If only we could summarise our entire lives that way (over a year) that well: each little obstacle, each torment, each door opened, each past belief blown away, each new chance, each anxious moment, each hole we need to get out of, the balancing of me, each calamity overcome, approach to new things (with one foot or two), and with such potent views about living. 

Me too!!!  When I first started this journey, I used a dictionary to discover the meaning of feelings & emotions.   That was way back in the early 90's.   Now, I have some really good reference books: 

1. Harriet Lerner's FEAR & OTHER UNINVITED GUESTS
2. John Gray's books
3. Rhonda Britten's FEARLESS LIVING

The 2nd book was the first author that introduced me to handling my emotions - he explained what they were and how they affected me. 

I just discovered Harriet's book this summer and it really gives a great definition to:  REJECTION, SHAME, ANXIETY, & FEAR.   I'm recommending it to my support group to read now so that they can understand what they are feeling. 

Rhonda's book, is something that built on Harriet's book.