Messages By: dchmtx

Your daughter is 4!  She doesn't know how to talk about her feelings and emotions.  She may not grasp hateful tone with feelings of someone else.  

Her father not being in her life has nothing to do with your ability to raise her.  I am a single parent of an 8 yr old which I've raised alone from day 1.  Teach respect.  Explain to her about different "voices" or tones.  Kids don't know things unless they are taught.  If she wants to tell you something in a hateful tone, tell her you will not listen until she talks nicely.  If the grandmother wants to partake in her life, talk with her about her attitude when she returns.  You will not allow her to go if she can not behave afterwards.  When she respects you, then you will let her go.  Again, children will do what they are able to get by with (tempers, etc) and repeat what they are taught.     

He's a typical teenager who has reached the stage where "parents don't exist" or "I don't need/have parents".  Teenagers go thru stages where they don't want to be around their parents.  I did it!  I was preoccupied with my friends and trying to make my own life.  I didn't want to hear my parents lecture me, tell me what to do.  I wasn't into drinking or drugs.  My parents and I are now the best of friends!! 

Can you engage in any activities with him?  Shoot some pool, watch a movie, take him and a few friends out to dinner etc... and find out what his personality is like to see if it is truly something personal towards you?  

How often were you involved with him until this point?  You mention you go to his games,  but was this how the relationship was from the beginning with him?  

Kids -especially boys - don't make a point to call their parents.  Are you kidding?  They forget to mention when they are going to be home let alone  to say hi, how are you and let me hear about the people at your work?   

I don't know how close the two of you were through out the years but several of my friends have talked about this attitude as the child gets closer to being independant. 

Yes, when a person relinquishes their parental rights, they -in most cases- don't have to pay child support because now in the courts eye, they are no longer the parent and no longer responsible.   

My ex signed away his parental rights when we divorced.  I do not receive a penny in child support.   

If your husband is the father your child never had and you can live peacefully as one complete family with no interference and your husband is willing and lovingly accepting your son, then let it be said.  Allow him to adopt and get over the financial aspect.     

If he signs away his rights, he is signing away any and all responsibilities to the child including emotional, physical and financial support.  If/when he signs, the biological father will have no reason to contact or communicate you or your son again.  

If it is truly a bad situation, why drag it on when your child has the opportunity to be happy? 

DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT.  That is the advice I was given and trust me, it helped and worked to my advantage.  

I recorded phone conversations and kept receipts for clothings, groceries, b-day presents, etc... 

I had an ad-litem (child advocate attorney) who reviewed my records and documented phone calls and conversations.  I admitted when I hung up on him or denied visitations and why (due to late hour of arrival or sick child).  But it showed that I stuck to the rules and things weren't one sided. 

The courts can appoint a psychologist, play therapy and even a home visit.  A friend of mine who's daughter lives out of  town had a psychologist accompany the child across state lines and do a home interview with friends and family of the father (us).  Then compared how the child was with the mom vs with the dad.  The results were shocking.  My friend had child support reduced and had visitations increased!!  That's not what you want to hear but a psychologist or counselor can see thru the "acting" that might occur and see the truth -to your benefit. 

I just read your message.  I hope you are checking for replies still.  

I feel your exhaustion.  I work at a pediatric hospital where everything is urgent and critical.  I am so stressed by my coworkers and the demands of perfection.  I go home to an ADD/ severe ADHD child that has some learning disabilities.  I have  3 hours to fix dinner, eat, clean up, do homework (he's not able to do homework without constant one on one attention at the 3rd grade level because of ADD).  Then do any chores, run any last minute errands, baths and ready for the next  day.  Some nights we have soccer, PTA, family stuff.  I am so burned out and exhausted.  Oh, I'm a single parent by the way.  TV is out of the question. I catch headline news from the radio.  Luckily I have an hour commute each way and that is my relaxation and down time.  I unwind, leave my stress where it originated (either at home or work).  I think of what I have ahead and organize my thoughts and prioritize what needs to be done.  I look at rush hour traffic as therapeutic.  :)   

Then I've tried to simplify my life.  Do only necessary errands during the weekends and only plan one or two (if short) activities a day on the weekends.  This keeps me from still feeling rushed and stressed and doesn't over stimulate my son.  We have managed to find some great down time at home and able to do things with each other.  I  understand the demands of work taking all your energy and patience where none is left when you walk in your house.     

You are not alone in this big world!!  There are sympathetic people out here that know the sceario all too well.    Wow, a child that the parents can't control?  Sounds like they look forward to when school is in session.  Sounds like the parents need the help -which would make your life easier!  As long as you know you are stressed, you've identified the problems and can focus on your limits.  Most people don't recognize stress which causes so many more problems.  If you lose your temper at your boys- stop, count to three and very calmly repeat what you orginally were saying.  You'll get some strange looks for your boys thinking you have totally lost it when infact, you are recomposing : )     

We have had a birthday party every weekend.  2 coming up this weekend alone.  Then thanksgiving is here.  I'm so busy that I forgot to plan a get together with my friends for my OWN b-day.  That's okay.  Makes me feel young celebrating a child's birthday rather than my own. hehehe.  My friends and I have started scrap booking and letting the children go wild (within  safety limits of course) while we stay up all night.  I feel like a younger generation of old ladies quilting :)  Don't want to offend anyone who quilts because I want to learn to do that too.   

Just be sure to make time for yourself.  Get up early and take a long shower.  Sacrifice the dishes and soak in the tub.  Just plan time for yourself.    

I got married b/c I was pregnant which was a HUGE mistake.  Needless to say, I was soon going thru a seperation with an infant at the time.  My parents were splitting up, work was stressful, I totaled my vehicle, financial problems.  You name it.  My doctor wanted to intervene.  I told her "NO THANKS.  I'M NOT GOING TO WASTE MY ENERGY AND TIME ON THE THINGS I CAN'T CONTROL.  I CAN'T CONTROL MY PARENTS, MY COWORKERS OR MOST OF MY FINANCIAL PROBLEMS.  I CAN ONLY CHANGE WHAT I HAVE CONTROL OVER".  She tore up the prescription and knew I was fine.    Do what you can and start a new day when the alarm clock goes off (or a big big dog in your face -in my case).  

You are only one person.  Simplicity is the best remedy.   

I give you a pat on the back and applaud you for adopting an older child!!!!  I grew up with foster children in our home.  It was the greatest experience ever.  From a child's point of view, I had a big family.  I knew of each of the children's back grounds (all were school age and adolescents) but neither of us received special treatment for being foster children or biological children.  I have seen older children go thru "the system" b/c no one wants to adopt a child b/c they have issues, set in their ways, won't bond etc... Everyone wants the infants and babies that don't know their past.  

Because my parents cared for older children from abandonment, neglect, abuse, drugs etc... I see the hard road that lies ahead with the state -especially siblings that want to stay together.  I would love to adopt an older child.  Teach them to trust and love.  They have a new beginning. You are willing to protect them and a permanent home and family.   

I tip my hat to you for embracing an adolescent.  

If you are in a repetative abusive situation, the state fears the children are put in danger.  At what point will the abuse turn towards the children.  Will the children be running and laughing causing a parent to get angry and go off the deep end?  Will they get a bad grade thus a punishment be considered cruel and unusual? 

The state takes the children away because the danger and threat is still apparent. Until the that threat is removed and you can prove you are protecting and have the children's safety and best interest in mind, the children will not be returned.  

I grew up with 2 foster sisters because the mother refused to leave the man who abused her children.  Someone had to leave and she wouldn't make him -thus the children were removed instead.     

Use this period to build up the strength to correct the abusive relationship.  If you want your children back, you have to get out.