Messages By: karlar2

  

Hi Kileen and to all the women experiencing the heartache of infertility, 

  

I feel your pain and I truly know what you are going through. I am 37 years old and my husband and I have been trying to have a baby for over 4 years.  It has been a long journey for us and we have literally tried everything to become parents. I too miscarried almost 3 years ago at 17 weeks; I was to have a boy.. My sorrow still exists, and I still dream and think about the what if!!!! Even though, I know it's still OK to grieve and mourn my loss. I have learned to rationalize my thoughts better because it can consume your life, your psyche and your marriage. What is important, is to stay strong and focused about your future decisions and options of continuing your plight to become parents.   

  

It may be hard to see a bright future now, but as long as there are options and hope, your dream of having a child will come true. (I know, coming from a woman who has been trying for over 4 years, right!!!!) Yes, it's been a long time "waiting" for me and hearing this advise after trying a year may sound to you, not very promising or reassuring but it can be. Just knowing that you're not alone and that there are women out there who feel your sorrow and are rooting for you!!! 

  

I remember when I started infertility treatments; I would go to my clinic, which unfortunately, is like a huge factory. I'd sit there with my head down emerged in reading a magazine because I did not wish to acknowledge that I was in the same situation as all these other women around me. God for bid, I accept my problem, that I too share their shoes. I guess you could say, I was sort of in denial. It took a long time for me to realize how important it is to talk about my infertility and to reach out for support.  Not only can it be a way of healing from the pain, the sadness and the sense of failure we've all felt. It can also be a valuable asset  for future treatments and other family options such as adoption.  

  

Having resources, tools and the support of other infertile women has really helped me to cope with the many difficulties and roadblocks I have encountered through my journey of having a baby...  I have learned so much about myself and infertility. This is a real problem for women today; too many women are going through the same thing as us. This issue is so personal and private and we are all so vulnerable!!!      

  

Since my miscarriage, I have had many more infertility treatments, a failed adoption and I'm still in the game. Believe me, I have had many emotional breakdowns where I thought about giving up. However, each time I came to this conclusion, I'd fight it, pick myself back up again, and find the strength to go on.. Thankfully, my emotional outbursts have been reduced to a minimum.    

  

I guess the point I am trying make in short, ( yeah right ) is that don't give up!! learn all you can about your infertility and research all the information that's available to you and your particular problem. Ask your doctor as many questions as you wish, because if he or she is good, than they will answer you happily...  Again, support can be a great asset not just emotionally; it is also extremely informative about ART.  I have truly met and spoken with so many wonderful and amazing women that have been through so much and yet, through their struggles, became  successful in having a baby!!!!! I know someday soon, my story will have a happy ending too.. 

  

Reaching out for support can be a slow process. After all, this is a delicate issue to discuss and so you need to feel ready... I'm even surprised that there are so few messages on this topic. Although, maybe its because I am a new member and I'm just not aware of past messages .. 

  

Just know, all you strong women out there, that I'm rooting for you and if I can be of any help what so ever please reply!! I am more than happy to share my knowledge and experiences of infertility/adoption with you or if you rather, just simply listen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

  

Yours truly, 

  

Karen 

My name is Karen and my husband and I have been on this “follow the yellow brick road-like” quest to have a baby for these past four years. I know you have helped many other hopeful parents like us. My great aunt, Tina, is a huge fan of your show and she has been calling me nonstop, insisting that I share my story with you.  We are extremely close and I value her advice.  If she believes you can help us, I do too.

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

         

  

 

  

My husband Larry and I have been happily married for almost six years.  Our desire to have a baby began almost immediately.  However, a year and a half into our marriage I was not conceiving and as a result sought medical advice.  After meeting with several doctors, having two surgeries, and getting many unsuccessful infertility treatments, my husband Larry and I decided to do invitro-fertilization (IVF) and to our amazement I became pregnant.

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

We were incredibly overjoyed and delighted. We were finally there; we were having a baby!  Within a few weeks, we learned we were having twins and we felt even more elated (if that was possible!)Unfortunately, six weeks into my pregnancy, I miscarried with one of the twins. After four months, to our astonishment and disappointment, we miscarried again; the remaining twin would have been a boy. Since our loss, we have IVF four more times, and four more times we were disappointed.  Four more times—and counting—in which we put all our hopes and trust into our doctors, believing they are gods. Not only have I had to take all kinds of drugs and give myself injections day after day, but we have spent an exorbitant amount of money, money that is far from disposable. Furthermore, our social life declined  We missed the simple pleasures of going out with friends; fun was beginning to sound like a foreign word. 

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

With all this, however, the hardest part of infertility treatment was, and continues to be, having the endurance, having the patience, of waiting for a positive pregnancy result.  Larry and I have literally put our lives on hold to have a baby.  Fortunately, our struggles to start a family has made our marriage is stronger and our love for each another more evident. 

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

But infertility treatments are only one part of our story. The emotional roller coaster had already been in warp speed when, during the same time period, we decided we would actively pursue the option of adopting a newborn domestically.  In our opinion, adoption is an amazing gift of life, a wonderful opportunity for us to have a family.

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

Our journey of adoption began in May 2004, when a New Jersey lawyer gave us the tools we needed to advertise in various states looking for a birth mother.  A toll free number was installed in our home and our Home Study was in process.  Joyfully, after two and half months of marketing ourselves we had found a birth mother in Fort Smith, Arkansas!

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

A woman responded to our ad by saying she had a niece who was too young to have a baby.  Out of five hopeful couples who placed personal ads wishing to adopt, the aunt chose us! (She told us she had liked the cute picture of the “choo-choo train” we placed in our ad.)  The next day, which felt like an eternity, we received the call we had been waiting for: the young teenaged pregnant girl finally phoned.

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

 Her name was Carla.  She was three months pregnant and just fifteen years old; she was young, sweet and seemed very vulnerable.  She spoke freely about everything going on in her life and she felt giving up her baby through adoption was the best answer for herself and her child.  I was very nervous when I spoke to her at first, but I was also excited at the same time.  What if I say the wrong thing or she just decides she didn’t like me?  However, this was not the case; we clicked instantly and began developing a warm relationship.

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

Our attorneys, both in New Jersey and Arkansas, had advised us that having a young birth mother would make our adoption a high-risk situation.  The percentage of teenagers changing their mind during this process is much higher than adult birth mothers.  But, after much thought, Larry and I decided to take the chance and continue our relationship with Carla in the hopes of adopting her baby.  We learned very early on through conversations with Carla that she had many troubles.  Both her parents are deaf. She lived with her father, younger sister, a 23-year-old cousin, and the cousin’s young child in a small two-bedroom home.  She had been a runaway, spent time in a juvenile center, and had missed so much school that at age fifteen she was just entering into the 9th grade.  Both Carla’s father and cousin were not working. Basically, their means of support came from her dad’s disability checks and food stamps. 

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

Looking back, there were many red flags right from the beginning. However, to us, all of Carla’s problems only gave us more incentive to want to adopt this baby and offer him or her a wonderful loving home.  We felt Carla’s situation was awful.  There was no way she could possibly change her mind and raise this child herself.   She was just a kid and this baby needed a chance.

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

The first thing we did was set up prenatal care for Carla and made sure that she took good care of herself.  In addition, we set up an account with our attorney to help pay for Carla’s living expenses: food, rent, utilities, transportation, and doctor’s appointments.

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

As our relationship progressed, Larry and I decided to fly out and meet Carla.  She was such a pretty young lady.  She was around five months pregnant at this time and really beginning to show.  As nervous as we were, we hit it off beautifully with her and her family.  We went out to eat, we went shopping for maternity clothes, and we also bought clothes for her family.  Their house was dirty and pretty bare.  The bathroom was rusty and unclean with ants crawling on the toilet.  Larry and I felt empathy and concern for her and her family.  We really wanted to help. During our visit, we arranged time to accompany Carla to her doctor’s appointment.  While we were there, we viewed this incredible ultrasound of the baby: it was a boy!  Experiencing this moment together made it even more a joyous reality for us that we were going to become parents.

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

Everything seemed to be going great with Carla. From the beginning we spoke on the phone everyday, sometimes a few times a day.  She cried to us often about her trials and tribulations.  For instance, there was one phone call in which she told us the police were going to arrest her father for writing bad checks. She also told us about the family’s constant fear that their gas and water utilities would be turned off because they could not afford to make payments. Justifiably cautious, we began to wonder whether or not this young girl was taking advantage of us and our vulnerability in seeking a baby…. Or, was this a young girl trapped in unfortunate circumstances, having no choice but to grow up fast and take charge of herself and her family? 

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

As Carla’s due date was approaching, our conversations were becoming less frequent.  We were becoming concerned because it now seemed she was only calling in times of crisis.  I tried to be delicate when questioning her about our concerns that she would change her mind.  She responded, reassuringly us that everything was okay and that she still intended on going through with the adoption.  It was January 2005 and Carla was due to deliver our son in February.  But instead of feeling elation, we felt insecure and feared the worst. 

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

We shared our concerns with our Arkansas attorney, hoping she could guide us in what to do.  After much discussion, we decided it was time to intercede and confront Carla as to her intentions.  But each time we decided to speak up we would have second thoughts. We wanted our baby so much!! 

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

Larry and I finally arranged our flight to Fort Smith, Arkansas for February 8th even though Carla’s due date was the 15th.  Our thought was better to be early just in case.  Throughout my conversations with Carla, we often spoke about the birth and what to expect.  She would always tell me how happy and excited she was that we were going to be there.  And I would always tell her I couldn’t wait to be her delivery partner and how she must squeeze my hand whenever she was afraid or in pain.  Larry and I often expressed our gratitude of being able to share this amazing moment with her.  We were going to be there every step of the way during delivery; we wanted to encourage her, guide her, and help her feel less fearful. 

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

We even had sent Carla a beautiful duffle bag with pajamas and lotions for her stay at the hospital. Looking back, I knew it was a mistake to be as generous as we were during the pregnancy, but our hearts reached out to Carla and her needs. She was just a kid!  She was young and could have been our child!

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

A few days before our flight, we called Carla during a routine visit with her doctor--but she abruptly hung up the phone! I tried calling her several more times, but her cell phone was turned off all day.  Immediately, we contacted our attorney and insisted she call Carla’s physician to find out what was happening. We also requested, if possible, that Carla be induced on or around the time we were to arrive in Fort Smith. 

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

To our dismay, Carla’s map of deception was unraveling. We learned the doctor planned on inducing her labor all along! In fact, he informed Carla of his intention a few weeks earlier so that we could plan our trip accordingly. She conveniently forgot to tell us.  

  

 

  

         

  

 

  

          Fast forward to only two days before our flight; we were literally packed and ready to leave.  But, instead of getting last minute sundries, Larry and I were subjected to a stressful conference call between the doctor and our attorney.  It was apparent to all of us at this point: this adoption was not going to take place. The whole situation was a mess, a bad dream we were hoping to wake up from. 

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

After confronting Carla about her dishonesty, she broke down crying.  She had changed her mind.  Worse, her father was now against the adoption and told her that if she went through with it, he would contest it.   

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

I waited a couple of days before checking on Carla.  Our dialogue simply ended with my saying, “Carla, we care about you and this baby.  Please, if you need us for any reason, do not hesitate to call.”  As hard as it was, I decided that I would not phone Carla again or try to change her mind.  I felt if it were meant to be, she would call.  The truth is I felt she would call, at least to talk because of the friendship we developed. In my trusting mind, I thought she needed us as much as we needed her.

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

Larry and I felt terrible for days. Not only did I feel sorry for us over what we had just endured, but I also felt pain for my family and for Larry’s family.  They were so excited about becoming grandparents. I am the youngest of three siblings and I just had my 37th birthday on July 2nd.  My brother, sister, and brother-in law do not have any children.  This would have been one spoiled special little boy….

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

A short time later, while Larry and I were trying to recover from our ordeal, we received a call from our attorney. We learned that we had a huge outstanding bill from the taxi company we had set up for Carla to help her with transportation.  This service was to be used solely by Carla and that she was not to abuse this assistance.  However, we knew she always had a family accompany her.  But by no means, were we aware or prepared for these huge charges.

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

The first invoice we received was in the amount of $667.00.  Fine, we paid it and told Carla how much it was.  We asked that she try to use the taxi only when she needed to and not misuse this service.  When the second invoice arrived, it was even higher-- $735.25. By now, it was about a month after everything had already fallen through. Larry and I were trying to go back to our regular lives when our Arkansas lawyer called us about the latest taxi bill.  It was $2,251.25! This outradgous balance was a contrived in one-month.  I was shocked and speechless.  It wasn’t even so much the money, but the fact that we had been completely taken advantage of. Pure and simple, we had been scammed….

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

 I am no longer really angry with Carla and I wish her well.  In the end, she’d said to me that she intends on proving everyone wrong and that she will give this baby a good life.  She will get a good job and go back to school.  I can only hope so.  I still often think about Carla’s son and hope the little guy is okay.  But I have to forgive to move forward.  And I guess writing you this letter, Dr. Phil, is also a way for me to heal.

  

 

  

  

  

 

  

I have dreamed of becoming a mother my whole life.  I never thought it would be this difficult.  I thought when Larry and I were ready to start a family, it would just happen, but, boy, was I wrong.  Since our adoption fiasco, I have taken time to reflect on our experiences. I have echoed past thoughts, asking myself these questions:  Why has life been so unfair to us?  What does this all mean?  Is this God’s way of telling me I’m not meant to have children?  After all, I have always tried to be a good and giving person.  Is my misfortune some form of punishment for something I had done in my lifetime?  Sometimes I feel like such a failure, and feel so sorry that my husband too has been subjected to all this pain as well.

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

But throughout my journey, I have always tried to think of ways to stay positive and grounded, not only for myself, but for my husband. Since my early days I have a much-changed attitude.  I still have my moments, but thankfully, my emotional breakdowns of feeling sorry for myself have been reduced to a minimum.  I have a goal, to start a family.  Clouding my mind with negative thoughts is simply unproductive and will not speed up the process of having a child.   I know this now.  I have also recognized the importance of reaching out to the people/professionals that really do care about our situation and wish to help.  

 

  

 

  

I have been ready to talk for a long time and share my experiences with other women going through the very same thing.  In fact, I have met some pretty amazing women through my journey and through support groups.  The women I have encountered have endured great heartache.  Yet, these women continue to stay strong throughout their struggles.  I guess by being able to share our stories, it has helped us all gain a sense of support, a sense of solitude, a sense of union, but, most of all, a means of healing. I no longer feel helpless and alone.

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

          After thinking long and hard about all the possibilities we have, from using an egg/embryo donor to more drugs to starting the adoption procedure all over again, we are still uncertain if one of these approaches will solve our problem.  Once again, we are in a waiting game, waiting for the results of a pregnancy test, waiting to hear back from an adoption agency, waiting to see if we have to go through again all the feeling of disappointment and failure.  But as I tell my doctor and adoption counselors, “If you could guarantee that one of these approaches will work, I’ll gladly give you everything we have.”

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

          As entrenched and painful as my story is, I know it’s not unique. I know that many other perspective parents go through the maze of the big business of infertility, the bureaucracy of the adoption industry. We are not alone.

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

          I am writing you this letter, Dr. Phil, not only to tell you our plight, to see if you can help us adopt a baby, but to show the world these unsung heroes: the husbands, wives, and partners who will face the unknown with courage, dignity, and hope—however long it takes.

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

          Thank you for listening, Dr. Phil.

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

          All the very best,

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

  

  

  Hi Kileen, I understand what your going through and as hard as it is just don't give up hope.  As far as other people's wacky opinions and judgment's, they just don't get it because they are not going through it!!! If you ever need support just reply back and I'll send you my e-mail....     

My name is Karen and my husband and I have been on this “follow the yellow brick road-like” quest to have a baby for these past four years. I know you have helped many other hopeful parents like us. My great aunt, Tina, is a huge fan of your show and she has been calling me nonstop, insisting that I share my story with you.  We are extremely close and I value her advice.  If she believes you can help us, I do too.

  

 

  

My husband Larry and I have been happily married for almost six years.  Our desire to have a baby began almost immediately.  However, a year and a half into our marriage I was not conceiving and as a result sought medical advice.  After meeting with several doctors, having two surgeries, and getting many unsuccessful infertility treatments, my husband Larry and I decided to do invitro-fertilization (IVF) and to our amazement I became pregnant.

  

 

  

 We were incredibly overjoyed and delighted. We were finally there; we were having a baby!  Within a few weeks, we learned we were having twins and we felt even more elated (if that was possible!)Unfortunately, six weeks into my pregnancy, I miscarried with one of the twins. After four months, to our astonishment and disappointment, we miscarried again; the remaining twin would have been a boy. Since our loss, we have IVF four more times, and four more times we were disappointed.  Four more times—and counting—in which we put all our hopes and trust into our doctors, believing they are gods. Not only have I had to take all kinds of drugs and give myself injections day after day, but we have spent an exorbitant amount of money, money that is far from disposable. Furthermore, our social life declined  We missed the simple pleasures of going out with friends; fun was beginning to sound like a foreign word. 

   

 

  

With all this, however, the hardest part of infertility treatment was, and continues to be, having the endurance, having the patience, of waiting for a positive pregnancy result.  Larry and I have literally put our lives on hold to have a baby.  Fortunately, our struggles to start a family has made our marriage is stronger and our love for each another more evident. 

    

 

  

But infertility treatments are only one part of our story. The emotional roller coaster had already been in warp speed when, during the same time period, we decided we would actively pursue the option of adopting a newborn domestically.  In our opinion, adoption is an amazing gift of life, a wonderful opportunity for us to have a family.

    

 

  

Our journey of adoption began in May 2004, when a New Jersey lawyer gave us the tools we needed to advertise in various states looking for a birth mother.  A toll free number was installed in our home and our Home Study was in process.  Joyfully, after two and half months of marketing ourselves we had found a birth mother in Fort Smith, Arkansas!

  

 

  

 A woman responded to our ad by saying she had a niece who was too young to have a baby.  Out of five hopeful couples who placed personal ads wishing to adopt, the aunt chose us! (She told us she had liked the cute picture of the “choo-choo train” we placed in our ad.)  The next day, which felt like an eternity, we received the call we had been waiting for: the young teenaged pregnant girl finally phoned.

    

 

  

 Her name was Carla.  She was three months pregnant and just fifteen years old; she was young, sweet and seemed very vulnerable.  She spoke freely about everything going on in her life and she felt giving up her baby through adoption was the best answer for herself and her child.  I was very nervous when I spoke to her at first, but I was also excited at the same time.  What if I say the wrong thing or she just decides she didn’t like me?  However, this was not the case; we clicked instantly and began developing a warm relationship.

    

 

  

Our attorneys, both in New Jersey and Arkansas, had advised us that having a young birth mother would make our adoption a high-risk situation.  The percentage of teenagers changing their mind during this process is much higher than adult birth mothers.  But, after much thought, Larry and I decided to take the chance and continue our relationship with Carla in the hopes of adopting her baby.  We learned very early on through conversations with Carla that she had many troubles.  Both her parents are deaf. She lived with her father, younger sister, a 23-year-old cousin, and the cousin’s young child in a small two-bedroom home.  She had been a runaway, spent time in a juvenile center, and had missed so much school that at age fifteen she was just entering into the 9th grade.  Both Carla’s father and cousin were not working. Basically, their means of support came from her dad’s disability checks and food stamps. 

   

 

  

Looking back, there were many red flags right from the beginning. However, to us, all of Carla’s problems only gave us more incentive to want to adopt this baby and offer him or her a wonderful loving home.  We felt Carla’s situation was awful.  There was no way she could possibly change her mind and raise this child herself.   She was just a kid and this baby needed a chance.

    

 

  

The first thing we did was set up prenatal care for Carla and made sure that she took good care of herself.  In addition, we set up an account with our attorney to help pay for Carla’s living expenses: food, rent, utilities, transportation, and doctor’s appointments.

  

 

  

 As our relationship progressed, Larry and I decided to fly out and meet Carla.  She was such a pretty young lady.  She was around five months pregnant at this time and really beginning to show.  As nervous as we were, we hit it off beautifully with her and her family.  We went out to eat, we went shopping for maternity clothes, and we also bought clothes for her family.  Their house was dirty and pretty bare.  The bathroom was rusty and unclean with ants crawling on the toilet.  Larry and I felt empathy and concern for her and her family.  We really wanted to help. During our visit, we arranged time to accompany Carla to her doctor’s appointment.  While we were there, we viewed this incredible ultrasound of the baby: it was a boy!  Experiencing this moment together made it even more a joyous reality for us that we were going to become parents.

   

 

  

Everything seemed to be going great with Carla. From the beginning we spoke on the phone everyday, sometimes a few times a day.  She cried to us often about her trials and tribulations.  For instance, there was one phone call in which she told us the police were going to arrest her father for writing bad checks. She also told us about the family’s constant fear that their gas and water utilities would be turned off because they could not afford to make payments. Justifiably cautious, we began to wonder whether or not this young girl was taking advantage of us and our vulnerability in seeking a baby…. Or, was this a young girl trapped in unfortunate circumstances, having no choice but to grow up fast and take charge of herself and her family? 

    

 

  

As Carla’s due date was approaching, our conversations were becoming less frequent.  We were becoming concerned because it now seemed she was only calling in times of crisis.  I tried to be delicate when questioning her about our concerns that she would change her mind.  She responded, reassuringly us that everything was okay and that she still intended on going through with the adoption.  It was January 2005 and Carla was due to deliver our son in February.  But instead of feeling elation, we felt insecure and feared the worst. 

   

 

  

We shared our concerns with our Arkansas attorney, hoping she could guide us in what to do.  After much discussion, we decided it was time to intercede and confront Carla as to her intentions.  But each time we decided to speak up we would have second thoughts. We wanted our baby so much!! 

   

 

  

Larry and I finally arranged our flight to Fort Smith, Arkansas for February 8th even though Carla’s due date was the 15th.  Our thought was better to be early just in case.  Throughout my conversations with Carla, we often spoke about the birth and what to expect.  She would always tell me how happy and excited she was that we were going to be there.  And I would always tell her I couldn’t wait to be her delivery partner and how she must squeeze my hand whenever she was afraid or in pain.  Larry and I often expressed our gratitude of being able to share this amazing moment with her.  We were going to be there every step of the way during delivery; we wanted to encourage her, guide her, and help her feel less fearful. 

    

 

  

We even had sent Carla a beautiful duffle bag with pajamas and lotions for her stay at the hospital. Looking back, I knew it was a mistake to be as generous as we were during the pregnancy, but our hearts reached out to Carla and her needs. She was just a kid!  She was young and could have been our child!

   

 

  

A few days before our flight, we called Carla during a routine visit with her doctor--but she abruptly hung up the phone! I tried calling her several more times, but her cell phone was turned off all day.  Immediately, we contacted our attorney and insisted she call Carla’s physician to find out what was happening. We also requested, if possible, that Carla be induced on or around the time we were to arrive in Fort Smith. 

   

 

  

To our dismay, Carla’s map of deception was unraveling. We learned the doctor planned on inducing her labor all along! In fact, he informed Carla of his intention a few weeks earlier so that we could plan our trip accordingly. She conveniently forgot to tell us.  

             

 

  

          Fast forward to only two days before our flight; we were literally packed and ready to leave.  But, instead of getting last minute sundries, Larry and I were subjected to a stressful conference call between the doctor and our attorney.  It was apparent to all of us at this point: this adoption was not going to take place. The whole situation was a mess, a bad dream we were hoping to wake up from. 

   

 

  

After confronting Carla about her dishonesty, she broke down crying.  She had changed her mind.  Worse, her father was now against the adoption and told her that if she went through with it, he would contest it.   

  

 

  

 I waited a couple of days before checking on Carla.  Our dialogue simply ended with my saying, “Carla, we care about you and this baby.  Please, if you need us for any reason, do not hesitate to call.”  As hard as it was, I decided that I would not phone Carla again or try to change her mind.  I felt if it were meant to be, she would call.  The truth is I felt she would call, at least to talk because of the friendship we developed. In my trusting mind, I thought she needed us as much as we needed her.

    

 

  

Larry and I felt terrible for days. Not only did I feel sorry for us over what we had just endured, but I also felt pain for my family and for Larry’s family.  They were so excited about becoming grandparents. I am the youngest of three siblings and I just had my 37th birthday on July 2nd.  My brother, sister, and brother-in law do not have any children.  This would have been one spoiled special little boy….

   

 

  

A short time later, while Larry and I were trying to recover from our ordeal, we received a call from our attorney. We learned that we had a huge outstanding bill from the taxi company we had set up for Carla to help her with transportation.  This service was to be used solely by Carla and that she was not to abuse this assistance.  However, we knew she always had a family accompany her.  But by no means, were we aware or prepared for these huge charges.

  

 

  

 The first invoice we received was in the amount of $667.00.  Fine, we paid it and told Carla how much it was.  We asked that she try to use the taxi only when she needed to and not misuse this service.  When the second invoice arrived, it was even higher-- $735.25. By now, it was about a month after everything had already fallen through. Larry and I were trying to go back to our regular lives when our Arkansas lawyer called us about the latest taxi bill.  It was $2,251.25! This outradgous balance was a contrived in one-month.  I was shocked and speechless.  It wasn’t even so much the money, but the fact that we had been completely taken advantage of. Pure and simple, we had been scammed….

   

 

  

 I am no longer really angry with Carla and I wish her well.  In the end, she’d said to me that she intends on proving everyone wrong and that she will give this baby a good life.  She will get a good job and go back to school.  I can only hope so.  I still often think about Carla’s son and hope the little guy is okay.  But I have to forgive to move forward.  And I guess writing you this letter, Dr. Phil, is also a way for me to heal.

   

 

  

I have dreamed of becoming a mother my whole life.  I never thought it would be this difficult.  I thought when Larry and I were ready to start a family, it would just happen, but, boy, was I wrong.  Since our adoption fiasco, I have taken time to reflect on our experiences. I have echoed past thoughts, asking myself these questions:  Why has life been so unfair to us?  What does this all mean?  Is this God’s way of telling me I’m not meant to have children?  After all, I have always tried to be a good and giving person.  Is my misfortune some form of punishment for something I had done in my lifetime?  Sometimes I feel like such a failure, and feel so sorry that my husband too has been subjected to all this pain as well.

   

 

  

But throughout my journey, I have always tried to think of ways to stay positive and grounded, not only for myself, but for my husband. Since my early days I have a much-changed attitude.  I still have my moments, but thankfully, my emotional breakdowns of feeling sorry for myself have been reduced to a minimum.  I have a goal, to start a family.  Clouding my mind with negative thoughts is simply unproductive and will not speed up the process of having a child.   I know this now.  I have also recognized the importance of reaching out to the people/professionals that really do care about our situation and wish to help.  

  

 

  

I have been ready to talk for a long time and share my experiences with other women going through the very same thing.  In fact, I have met some pretty amazing women through my journey and through support groups.  The women I have encountered have endured great heartache.  Yet, these women continue to stay strong throughout their struggles.  I guess by being able to share our stories, it has helped us all gain a sense of support, a sense of solitude, a sense of union, but, most of all, a means of healing. I no longer feel helpless and alone.

  

 

  

           After thinking long and hard about all the possibilities we have, from using an egg/embryo donor to more drugs to starting the adoption procedure all over again, we are still uncertain if one of these approaches will solve our problem.  Once again, we are in a waiting game, waiting for the results of a pregnancy test, waiting to hear back from an adoption agency, waiting to see if we have to go through again all the feeling of disappointment and failure.  But as I tell my doctor and adoption counselors, “If you could guarantee that one of these approaches will work, I’ll gladly give you everything we have.”

    

 

  

          As entrenched and painful as my story is, I know it’s not unique. I know that many other perspective parents go through the maze of the big business of infertility, the bureaucracy of the adoption industry. We are not alone.

  

 

  

           I am writing you this letter, Dr. Phil, not only to tell you our plight, to see if you can help us adopt a baby, but to show the world these unsung heroes: the husbands, wives, and partners who will face the unknown with courage, dignity, and hope—however long it takes.

   

 

  

          Thank you for listening, Dr. Phil.

  

 

  

 

  

 

  

          All the very best,