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Messages By: shilom

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October 22, 2005, 9:58 pm CDT

Any advice would help!

Hello everyone I am new to this board!  I am hoping to get advice for a seemingly hopeless situation.  Forgive me for this will be a long post, I just want to get it all out there so if anyone has anything for me they know the situation. 

  

Basically my husband refuses to get a job.  I am terribly stressed out about this and have tried talking to him, we communicate and compromise VERY well usually but he refuses to work.  We have been together 4 1/2 years, when we met he worked for the first 2 years and was laid off, then he milked unemployment for a year, all this time paying his share.  Since that ran out he has worked odd jobs here and there and at the very least looked out for himself.  But since May he has stopped. 

  

It started when I bought this house on land contract about an hour an a half away from where we were.  I work from home so it doesnt really matter being close to work and he wasnt working, and I got a great deal on the home and could afford it fine without him if it came to that.  We werent married yet and the condition that he moved with me and son was that he had to get a job and pay the utilities, which total maybe $200/month, plus his own needs (cigarettes, gas, whatever).  He agreed and promised so long as I let him move in first since it was so far away and he wanted to be living here before looking, so I agreed. 

  

We were engaged and had already been talking marriage, like I said our relationship is good and we love each other I just wanted him to contribute.  About a month after he moved in, and still no apps out but he HAD asked around and looked, we found out we were expecting, which was great as I had been wanting another child.  At that time we decided to go ahead and get married before I was too far along, as we were going to anyways and it seemed like the right time, we didnt get married because I was pregnant and I realize now we should have waited because since then its all been hell! 

  

First he says he doesnt want to put out apps until after out wedding/honeymoon because of asking for the time off.  I understand and it makes sense, and we got married August 3rd, and I was making great money this summer, so I said fine, but come fall you have to get a job.  (we also had planned camping 10 days with his family at augusts end)  So I gave him the benefit of the doubt. 

  

Now it has been 2 months and the excuses are lamer and meaner.  Everything from "why should I work for peanuts when you make so much?" to "If you loved me you wouldnt make me" and calling me a goldigger and what not.  Now I have been supporting him 100% since May, paying for his cigs when I dont even smoke and everything else.  I am self employed, and while I do OK, I do not make GREAT money, and even if I did I dont understand what kind of man just doesnt want to contribute? 

  

Now fall is my slow season, and I mean DEAD, I have only pulled in about 1k a month and our bills our double that, so I have been really on his case.  I feel so used, and weve only been married under 3 months, but I have told him if he doesnt get a job I will leave.  I dont understand it, I mean he told me from day one he would never support me and let me be a stay at home mom (which is why I worked my butt off until I found a stay at home job) I accepted his feelings and compromised and made it work.  But how is it HE should get to stay home, he made this decision without my choice.  I have tried to talk to him and normally he is very sensitive and understanding and willing to compromised, but he just keeps blowing me off and making excuses to not find a job.  

  

 I would be supportive if he was unable to work, but there is nothing wrong with him except that he is being a mooch.  He even blames it on my hormones saying he cant wait til I have this kid so I get off his back about a job!  And I am worried I will have the baby and come home working around the clock my first day home because we are broke!  We have no money to even buy anything for it yet, and at this point I am ready to cut my losses because he is no longer dead weight, he is draining me.  He smokes $200 worth a month plus is an extra mouth to feed, and I know at this point financially I would do better without him because he wouldnt be spending that plus hed have to pay child support whether he worked or not.  But I love him, and I so want to work this out, I just dont know what to do anymore but I cant take him walking all over me a second longer.  

  

 As I write this I dropped him at his parents for the weekend and I dont plan on picking him up anytime soon, he doesnt know this yet but I am just so stressed and I cant deal with him right now when he is so stubborn and set in his ways and refusing to work.  We dont even have health insurance I told him just work p/t just to pay for his stuff and maybe get insurance whatever, but he is upset I have such a "cake" job he thinks I owe him I guess, I just feel so used and I know I dont deserve this.  I dont want to be a doormat but I dont want to throw my marriage and 4 1/2 year relationship with a man I truly love away just yet.  I am also scared to be alone so far from everyone when i go into labor. 

  

I know I guess it seems obvious what I SHOULD do, but I am just hoping someone has some advice or idea to get thru to him that might just make it work?  I have told him everything I feel and have typed above and even wrote dr phil hoping for some help, I am just at my wits end and could really use someone to talk to about this! 

 
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October 23, 2005, 2:36 pm CDT

Should We Get Pregnant?

Quote From: pumpkinj

 

 

 

On my good days I can be the most loving, caring, giving and nurturing person.  I can be your best friend, your psychologist, your confidant... you get the picture.  On my bad days I can be the most irritating, snappy, emotional, angry, selfish, evil person who needs a psychologist. 

  

 

The problem is I never know which one is going to show up.  I am 28 years old now and I think I want to have children on my good days but on my bad I am happy that I don't have children so I can't screw up their lives.  I have more good days then bad... but the bad days scare me.  I do not have a good relationship with my mother and I don't want my children to not like me or hate me or have my bad days mentally effect my children for the rest of their lives. 

  

So my question is, If I know all this going in should I have children?  Who would want me as their Mother? 

Wow, you sound just like me!  I am 26 and had bi-polar now since I was a teenager, so know all about those ups and downs.  I was so worried when i was pregnant with my first son for a LOT of reasons.  My father was abusive so I worried what if I become abusive?  Me and my mom have never been close and I worred I would lack the maternal instincts and my mom during a much needed time.  I was an only child until I was 12 and both parents remarried partners with kids and then each had another child, but I never got the hang of sharing, I am a generous person dont get me wrong, but only when I wanna be lol, and can also be selfish and self centered.  When I was pregnant I shared these concerns with a co-worker at the time who gave me the best advice; "If you are aware of these potential problems, youve already taken a stap in preventing them".  That hit me hard! 

  

Let me tell you my son is now 6 and I have one on the way.  Parenthood changes you 100%.  I can still be selfish but what I have found is that I am selfish also on my sons behalf, as in I look out for him and spoil him and then worry about my needs.  I can easily "snap" at times, but I am very aware of my sons feelings and what helps me are taking time outs for myself.  I dont care what anyone says you need them, a 20 min hot bath, an hour to yourself to read, whatever, if you dont look out for yourself and make sure to meet your needs and spend time with yourself then I dont see how one can manage without resentment honestly.  Because of my fathers abuse I am very aware and if I ever feel that rising out of me (like the need to hit/spank) I remove myself from the situation for a few mins until I calm down.  Time outs and punishing my son for his behaviour by taking away privelages has worked fine for us.   

  

My mom hasnt been much of a grandmother, or a mother.  I didnt have in during my wedding, my pregnancy, she hung up on me when I told her I was pregnant (because she felt old now) and refused to throw me a baby shower when I asked, saying that was for my sisters to do (who uhm were 8 at the time!)  What helped a lot was my exes mom she was very excited about her grandson and even since me and her son broke up she has been like a mom to me.  So even though my own mom wasnt a part in the most special thing in my life, and theres no replacing that sadly enough, I had a grandmother who loved my son more then enough for both of them and who was there for me. 

  

So what I am saying is this, if you want a child and know you can be that great a mom, go for it!  We all have our bad days, and once you have a child your whole outlook on life WILL change, and you will instinctively protect your child from the evil world, AND the evil you.  TRUST me on this.  I am a horror fan fanatic who reads all about serial killers and I am more then a little morbid, but my son would never suspect a thing, he only gets to see good mommy and good things.  I over shelter him I will admit, but I feel I was exposed to too much and I'd rather be guilty of over sheltering my son and protecting him too much then of anything else.  Now I'm not saying my child thinks I'm perfect or anything like that, just that I dont take things out on him.  Kids pick up on bad moods like everyone else and when I need a few mins or even just a "mom dont feel good tonight" excuse he understands.  Its the good days they remember if we know how to handle and minimize the bad days, or so I hope! 

 
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October 23, 2005, 4:04 pm CDT

10/21 Moms and Money Conflicts

Quote From: aquachic24

I am wondering why there are not more messages posted about the Nail 21 segment...did anyone else DYE laughing when they saw it??? I had taped the show and was watching it later in evening and I had the pause the tape because I was laughing uncontrollably. That HAD to be a joke. No one would put that much time and effort into such a useless product...she hasn't sold a single one!!! What is up with that? Her husband needs to put his foot down ASAP! It is shocking to me that she spent a quarter of a million dollars on a product that holds nail polish!!! That was the most insane thing I have ever seen. 

Personally I thought this was a great idea, just needs a little fine-tuning and marketing, the color options and stuff would be great.  I would buy this item, and would even give as gifts to my sisters.  I think the ONLY mistake in this womans dream, and not that it was a mistake just the lack of marketing/research, I think with any dream or invention its 1% creative thought and 99% effort, and its not a mistake theres just so much to inventing I would imagine!  I dont think anyone should ever give up on their dreams, this one is definitly marketable, but I can sympathize with her husband for all the money invested with no profit and the space taken up, but after the show and realization that she just needs some marketing (and boy did the product already get tons of publicity)  I am sure it will sell.  

  

 Kudos to anyone who follows there dream and SHAME on anyone who bashes others dreams!  What have YOU ever invented?  What have you pursued?  Without people out here thinking and making up these great new ideas, and sure some will fail, but WHERE would we be?  Isnt it bad enough our schools have less and less art/music programs?  I myself am a creative person and know the life of being looked down on for "living in the clouds" but boy is it SWEET when you succeed and see the looks on everyones faces who tried to push you down but you believed enough in yourself and your dream to show them, but more importantly, to show yourself:)  I hope to see more great ideas and inventions and personally I will be picking up a Nail21 for myself! 

 
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October 23, 2005, 8:30 pm CDT

10/06 "Stand Up for Yourself!"

Quote From: piers_

I posted before asking women in this thread to please be careful about what they post online; as abusive husbands often monitor their wives' computer usage. 

  

In surfing around I found some info on this topic from the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence: 

  

Internet Safety

WARNING  

Taking all of the actions on this page may not prevent an abuser from discovering your email and Internet activity. The safest way to find information on the Internet is to go to a safer computer. Some suggestions would be your local library, a friend's house or your workplace. Other safety suggestions: Change your password often, do not pick obvious words or numbers for your password, and make sure to include a combination of letters and numbers for your password.  

HOW AN ABUSER CAN TRACK YOUR ACTIVITIES

Email  

If an abuser has access to your email account, he or she may be able to read your incoming and outgoing mail. Even if you believe your account is secure, make sure you choose a password he or she will not be able to guess.  

If an abuser sends you threatening or harassing email messages, you can print and save them as evidence of this abuse. These messages may also constitute a federal offense. For more information on this issue, contact your local United States Attorney's Office.  

ERASING YOUR TRACKS

History/cache file  

If an abuser knows how to read your computer's history of cache file (automatically saved web pages and graphics), he or she may be able to see information you have viewed on the Internet.  

You can clear your history or empty your cache file in your brower's settings*  

Netscape:  

Pull down Edit menu, select Preferences. Click on Navigator or choose "Clear History". Click on Advanced then select Cache. Click on "Clear Disk Cache".  

Internet Explorer:  

Pull down Tools menu, select Internet Options. On General page under Temporary Internet Files, Click on Delete Files. If asked, check the box to delete all offline content. Still within the Temporary Internet Files section, click on Setting (This step may make it harder to navigate pages where you would like your information to be remembered, but these remaining cookies do show website pages you have visited. Therefore, use your own judgment as to whether or not to take this next step). Click on "View Files", Manually highlight all the files (cookies) shown, then hit Delete. Close that window, then on General page under History section, click on "Clear History."  

AOL:  

Pull down Members menu, select Preferences. Click on WWW icon. Then select Advanced. Purge Cache.  

Additionally, you need to make sure that the "Use Inline Autocomplete" box is NOT checked. This function will complete partial web addresses while typing location in the address bar at the top of the browser.  

If you are using Internet Explorer, this box can be found on the MS Internet Explorer Page by clicking on "Tools" at the top of the screen, then "Internet Options" and then the "Advanced" tab. About halfway down there is a "Use Inline Autocomplete" box that can be checked or unchecked by clicking on it. Uncheck the box to disable the feature that automatically completes an Internet address when you start typing in the Internet address box.  

*This information may not completely hide your tracks. Many browser types have features that display recently visited sites. The safest way to find information on the Internet would be at a local library, a friend's house, or at work.  

For help call the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) TTY 1-800-787-3224

  

I hope I haven't broken any rules about posting this information from the NCADV's website.  I worry that some women will find out as I did the hard way years ago when my now ex found out I was researching custody and divorce laws in my state on our home computer. 

  

I ended up getting out of the marriage by working nights as a cashier (no college education, hs diploma only) and I managed to do it even though I had bad health and a two year old.  I got a status quo order from the court where my husband had to pay all the household bills since he refused to move out and I had nowhere to go with my baby (My family thought I was making a mistake at the time, they now know different) 


I'm not saying it's easy. I'm saying you have to get creative, explore all the options, and keep the goal of freedom in front of you.  Not just for you, but for your children.  Start today, and be careful! 

Thanks for sharing this with everyone, I found out the hard way my husband was monitoring my every move.  It sucks too because he is a computer wiz, had keyloggers I couldnt even find (and I consider myself pretty computer savvy) and even when you delete the history it is still there, I mean I would delete the history from 2 places plus recycle bin and still he could see it all somehow, plus access to all my accounts, but even if you can delete everything that can spark their interest too because then they want to know what youre hiding then.  Most men probably arent as freakin computer smart as mine is, which I guess is a wayward compliment to him lol, but for those that are its easier just to stay on very safe grounds because I have found it is impossible to hide, delete, or cover up anything on my phones or computer from him (vonage is great but they detail all the calls)  Unfortunatly for me, I have always related better to guys then females much to my jealous husbands dislike, so he "banned" me from all male friends, and it sucks I feel so lonely sometimes, I cant even chat or email old friends now without getting caught, just because of his insecurity.  Of course he gets upset when I talk about stuff with girlfriends, pretty much anythign interesting in my life offends him I am telling our business.  Oh well.
 

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