Messages By: jennife72

Quote From: 2ndthought

        Hi! Okay so this is my situation and any help would be greatly appreciated --- My boyfriedn and i are both 27 and we have been toghether for 7 months. he tells me all the time how he sees me as his wife and how i am the one. however, when i asked him about our future and where he sees things going about marriage he tells me he doesnt know and it could be 1 year or 2 or 3 -- maybe by hes 30! I told him i do not want to know an exact date but something to show that he is serious and the relationship is going somewhere. he tells me he is not ready -- -not jsut with me but with anyone. i find it hard to believe that our age u would wait 3 or 4 years. if u know i am the right one then what is the problem. he says its money but i tell him no one is ever 100 percent "secure" i have told him that i think he has doubts aobut me being the one and that is fine. maybe we should date other people. he inisists that i am the one and he will marry me but he has commitment fears and he doesnt know when they will stop, maybe after dating for 2 years maybe not. my dilemia is that i do not want to waste my tiem being with a guy who says one thing but yet on the other has no plan and says he is afriad to commit but wants to get married. i think he doesnt want to marry me. am i right?? i want to get married and start a family with the right guy and i thought it was him but now i am having my doubts as well.  i dont want to invest all this time in a relationship that may not end in marriage b/c he may never be ready. i suggested seeing other people -- although neither of us wants to -- what should i do??

Quote From: lunabar2

I have a feeling you are a mom who "does too much". Excluding the two year old, try letting your older three experience the consequences of being lazy and forgetful in the real world. They are old enough. Maybe they forget an assignment and get in trouble with the teacher. And, perhaps if they get poor grades, you can take away a privelege, like no sleepovers at Jon's house, or no extra-curricular activities until grades improve.  

  

It sounds like they are too used to you being their "brains"- memory, reminders and day planner, etc.  

  

And with the home issues, stop yelling, but instead think about all the things that irk you about their behaviors. THEN, think of each boy and what they would be devastated at if they lost a privelege (Maybe one son loves video games, maybe the other likes something else.) 

  

If they ignore you, do not yell. Just immediately enforce the consequences. No TV, or whatever, for X time. And STICK to it. With 4 boys and no father around during the day, you have to play hardball and earn back your respect. If they think they can walk all over Mom, they might. I don't think it's malicious or anything, but kids, even good ones, will often go to the "pushover" parent to get their wants gratified or get away with something. 

  

And don't feel guilty about administering consequences. THEY did it to THEMSELVES, when they mouthed off or neglected their responsibilities. 

Quote From: 2ndthought

    thanks for replying. the problem is that i dont think u and i are in the same boat b/c ur boyf is telling where he sees a future. mine cant. we dont have any kids. he tells me he has committment issues and doesnt want to feel trapped --- what guy who truly loves their gf would view marriage as being trapped?????????????? I know its only been 7 months but the bottom line is that he has told me all this stuff aoubt how he thinks i ma the one and wants me ot his wife etc etc but told me he just doesnt know when -- i told him he may never be ready if he has fears of being trapped.

Quote From: lsgunter

I am newly engaged of about 3 months and I'm 20 years old.  Many of my friends are also getting engaged and getting married.  I am very worried that my generation isn't taking marriage very seriously in the sense that they have no plan - they just want to "live on love."  I think it's great that they have that passion and commitment, but I believe marriage is entering into sharing your entire life with a person which includes finances, jobs, and religion, among others.  Many of my friends don't have any financial plan or even full-time jobs.  Because so many marriages end in divorce especially over financial problems, it really scares me for them.  My fiance and I have already started to map out our budget for when we get married in about 10 months, and it really makes me feel a lot more secure that we have a plan.  I know this doesn't ensure that we won't encounter money problems, but I do feel like it is more preventative than doing nothing.  This could be a big concern of mine because I'm in school to be a marriage and family therapist, but does anyone else share my fear for society's lack of seriousness concerning marriage?

Quote From: linusida

Your son feels safe with you.  

He know that you are there for him.  

That is why he talk back and disobey you and no one else. 

My children do the same thing to me, but not to anyone else. 

In public they are well behaved. Try not to give in to him when 

he is talking back to you or disobey you. Be stubbern. 

When he is with his father try to rest so that you can be calm 

and have a lot of patience when he returns to you. 

  

Quote From: linusida

Your son feels safe with you.  

He know that you are there for him.  

That is why he talk back and disobey you and no one else. 

My children do the same thing to me, but not to anyone else. 

In public they are well behaved. Try not to give in to him when 

he is talking back to you or disobey you. Be stubbern. 

When he is with his father try to rest so that you can be calm 

and have a lot of patience when he returns to you. 

  

Quote From: tkebobby

First of all, you are correct, the behavior is not helping your daughter. Why is it that she can't fall asleep? That might be a good place to start, as far as actually helping her sleep. As for your husband, the only way for you to stop the problem is to change his behavior (as your child hasn't really done anything wrong). You need to put your foot down and tell him that his behavior is NOT healthy, nor it it helpful. "...unheathy and sick..." Normally, I wouldn't see a problem with a father sleeping in the same bed as his 8 year old daughter if she couldn't get to sleep, if it were once in a while. (By the way, have you tried letting her sleep in your room?) But this pattern of consistancy over 8 years REALLY worries me. I'm not making accusations, and I need a lot more information to come to this conclusion, but initial when I read this it lead to be believe something terrible is going on in that room. It is possible that she is being molested. One HUGE indicator of molestation in children is night terrors (more than your average nightmare). Again, I'm not making any accusations, but this really made me worry. EITHER WAY, the behavior needs to stop.

Quote From: tkebobby

The first thing you should do is, literally, write down what your dad did as a father that you didn't like. Then, figure out why he might have done what he did. I never understood a lot of things my parents did until recently, and a lot of them were for the better (I still don't like to admit they were right). If you still really feel that the things you have written down were wrong, then come up with a specific plan as to how you are not going to do the same thing and what you are going to do instead. E.G. My parents like the "because I said so" reasoning. I now know that explaining things to kids tends to work better, and it what I have decided to do. So, what did your dad do, can you MAYBE see his side? And if not, what will you do? Again, literally write it down or type it out. Second, kids are EXPENCIVE... just a fact. A good paying, stable job is a must (for one of you anyway, doesn't matter which one). I know no one has "the right way" to raise a kid, but some a sure as hell better than others. Start buying books, again, they may no all be right, but it's probably better than trying improv. it. There are far more things that help make a good parent, or things that parents can do to raise their kid correcty, infact far more than I 1) am willing to type about, and  2) know about.

Quote From: dragonfly2

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 16 months and purchased a house together a year ago.  When we first met, we shared all our hopes, dreams and nightmares of relationships.  We were open about how we did not have time for games and what we wanted in life.and out of our relationships.   I am 40, dating someone for 10 years and dumped 3 months before the wedding for another woman and he is 37, divorced from a rollercoaster marriage of 10 years with 2 kids.  I have recently been concerned with numerous phone calls he recieves and makes to an old girlfriend who he saw for the first time in 16 years about 4 months ago.  She was recently remarried in June and lives over 2000 miles away, but I have found where he sent her flowers with an I love you balloon and I think he is sending her pictures of himself.  I have asked what is going on, and he says nothing.  He does not know that I know of the flowers.  I keep remembering a comment he made when we began dating,"the first six months of a relationship is always the best."  Does he thrive on the newness of a relationship?  Is this just a fling? Is it just exciting for 6 months?  I don't know how to ask or tell him what I know without him knowing I am searching through his personal stuff.  What do I do?  He continues for us to invest in the house, plan future things to do with his kids, allowing his kids to become so close to me, but marriage has not been discussed in months.  

I love him with all my heart.  I know he loves me, but I am not sure if he is in love with me.  He left today for 3 months in Iraq, I hope that this time away can give me some time to figure out what to do.