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Messages By: teenhelp

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October 23, 2005, 8:34 pm CDT

advice from a teenager

Dear parents, 

  

I am 18 years old and as a teenager, I am sure that the key to a good relationship between parents and their children is communication. Once that is established, the rest follows. Sure, you don't need to be your child's best friend, but they are certainly more likely to ask you for advice about anything if you communicate regularly. 

Just because regular communication is a must for any good relationship, this does not mean that parents and their children need to agree on everything they talk about. I remember when I was 15 years old and first told my mum that I was sexually active, and she absolutely lost it and called me hurtful names for nearly a fortnight. I was so appalled that she would react in such a way, because I believed that if I was ready to be honest and tell her about it that she would understand that I was being mature about it, and be thankful that I was being honest. Although my actions did not have the immediate results I expected, my mother has eventually come around and now we are able to talk about things like the pill in a mature, responsible way.  

  

It is important that children can be able to talk with their parents about sex, contraception, drugs, gambling and alcohol, with the parents constantly baring in mind that teenagers will experiment, and that they were probably up to the same at that age. My parents have always been available to talk with about such issues and I believe that I have been raised right by my parents because I could talk to them knowing that they would not judge me and that honesty and openness can keep the friendship alive. 

 
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October 23, 2005, 8:44 pm CDT

We Disagree On Punishment

Quote From: catfish05

My 13 yr old daughter brought home a bad report card. It had a 50 in math a57 in language and a 69 in science. the rest were A's and B's. She was grounded all last year( yes the entire year) for C's. She shows pigs and we raise them she has learned alot from this. And she has won many things. This is something she is very good at and something that she loves. She is in extra  help for math. My husband is very strict on her. He has taken all the pigs away from her I mean sold all of them, he has grounded her, and now he thinks we should just be mean to her everyday. He spanked her 3 times last night because she did not have the amount of math problems done in the time that he allows. I think this is alittle extreme. He has only been her father for 4 years.( her real father doesn't care. He stated that he would sign away his rights to her so my husband can adopt her. which he does want to do.) He thinks because he can feel as if she  was his own she should automaticaly feel the same. I mean she loves him. but now she has made the statement she does not want him to adopt her. How can I explain to him he is hurting the situation? 

I think that he is extreme and that he still need to make sure she knows he loves her. 

He told her last night he did not want her to say anything to him about school because she was a lier. because she lied to us. I think that he should still offer for her to talk to him, then we can check it out to find out if she is lying. 

Any advice will help. 

I honestly think that your husband is bad for your daughter. She obviously seems to be trying really hard, attending extra help maths classes and all. Perhaps your husband has to accept that your daughter is not gifted or talented academically, and perhaps she is better at a sport, or cooking, or at showing pigs as you say she does. There is no reason at all why your husband should make your daughter feel depressed because she is unable to do well academically, especially as she is trying hard. Indeed, maybe she doesn't feel as though she can do well academically because she receives such low-self-esteem remarks from him all day at home, and he may well be the cause of the problem. Your husband should also accept that he is not her father, and even if he was, no father has the right to treat their daughter like that and make them feel bad for their academic ability. Like you said, he is hurting the situation. She doesn't seem to be able to do any better than she is doing, and his behaviour towards her is only going to cause her to resent him in the future, and perhaps cause her to want to do badly to spite him. 

You need to talk to your husband about the possible long term effects of his actions towards your daughter. 

 
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October 23, 2005, 8:53 pm CDT

We Disagree On Punishment

Quote From: djbart

My daughter has girlfriends that come and spend the night, however, when things get pretty chaotic while they are having fun, they seem to lose repect for my house and damage it. For instance, I heard alot of laughing and loud noises and I came up to see what was happening.  They said "sorry" and told me to look around the room.  What I saw was a hole in the bathroom door, as big as a softball"  I was shocked.  My main question is, how long and what should be the punishment for this? I do know who really did this but since it happened in my house and I was not witness to this I can not make the parents pay for this. Can anyone tell me what kind of grounding I should do. Because my daughter needs to realize and maybe she will tell her friends to be more respectful of her house since she's getting the punishment. 

   

Thank you   

Well they obviously do this because they feel that there will be no consequences for their actions at your house. Your daughter is the main ring-leader. Just because a friend may have caused your house some damage does not mean your daughter couldn't have stopped it. She is allowing her friends to do this to your house and she deserves the punishment. 

First and foremost: THIS IS YOUR HOUSE, so what you say should apply. 

Second: THERE SHOULD BE CONSEQUENCES. These may be that your daughter cannot have anyone over, and that the next time she does, (since she has lost your trust about these matters) you should supervise them the whole time, and once they have proven to you that they can behave responsibly and curteously that maybe next time there won't have to be so much supervision. 

Third: YES YOU CAN MAKE THE PARENTS PAY FOR THIS, as their child has done damage to your house and they are responsible for bringing up such a disrespectful brat. In turn, you must expect that if your daughter breaks anything at anyone else's house that you will be paying for it, which is only fair. 

Fourth: YOU DON'T HAVE TO KEEP GIVING YOUR CHILD CHANCES. If she continues to break the rules, she will never be allowed to have friends over again. 

And your daughter should lose some privelages over this, such as she must be made to clean up after dinner for a fortnight, or not be allowed to watch the television for a month. 

 
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October 23, 2005, 9:03 pm CDT

We Disagree On Punishment

Quote From: dirtracer8

I have an on going serious dispute with my spouse which is causeing us personal problems.

My children have been trained by my spouse to only eat Nuggets, PB&J, Frozen Pizza, and Raviolis.

When we make other things they refuse to eat and our dinner becomes a big fight. My spouse has just conceded and fixes them what they want. I am of the belief you control what they eat, when they go to bed, who they see, ect. I feel that the children are out of control. and we have lost. I always have to look like the big bad dad, forceing them to eat other things.

 

My spouse is a wimp.

The truth is, what they want are boundaries, not junk food. They may not realise it now, but when they are obese with heart problems, they will only have your spouse to thank. 

I'm afraid that while dinner becomes a big fight when they eat healthily, you and your spouse will have to bear it until the children eat good food. Your spouse feeds them crap simply because it evades a fight and is therefore easier. Unfortunately, she is actually doing wrong by the children. By putting "peace" first over a child's nutrition, your spouse is only setting themselves up for a fall. It has been proven that with good nutrition comes good behaviour, and in addition, by reinforcing to your children that by fighting they will get what they want, your spouse is encouraging them to fight, because they know they will win. 

Be strong. Your kids will not like it, and you will not like it, but long term, they will never know how much they owe you for providing them with nutrition, and ground rules. If you stick to your guns (both of you must agree on discipline for it to work) you will raise children who know how to discuss the things they want, not just throw a tantrum in order to get it. 

It will not be easy. 

 

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