Messages By: houstongal
|
October 25, 2005, 12:27 pm PDT
 Quote From: beatlesfan I have been married for going on 3 yrs and he says,,, his money is his money. he doesnt want a joint bank account. he doesnt like giving me money. i make him give me an allowance sice he doesnt want a joint account like otehr normal husbands. i have him give me 350.00 a month and i can do what ever i want to with it but he argues over it. i say if hes not going to be like other husbands and have a joint checking account then he needs to just give me an allowance. other wifes have their names on the husbands accounts and they spend freely from it so if its not what hes going to do with me then hes going to give me an allowance. he says its his money and hes afraid id spend it all so he wont put my name on his account. so with the money he gives me it helps me,,because of it i work only part time. i own the hose so we dont havea house payment. we have no bills and are not in debt. he wants me to seel this place so that the new place will have his name on it. he wants me to put all the money i get from this place down on the new place...for instance... i get 290.000 for this place and we pay say 350.00 for a new place... . i put the 290.000 all on the new place and we have 60.000 only owing on new place....... so that means i am the one that pays for most of the new place...... and he still wants me to pay half the house payment on new place which means hes gets a 350,000 house for 30,000. the place-a halfplex- i owned it before we got married so its mine and only mine. he is mad casue he wants to own property. he thinks cause i got the place for free when my mom passed away then he shouldnt have to pay anything for the new place. all of this may be hard to follow. if you follow then,,, any sugestions???? I feel for you and your husband. I am hopeful, though, that his selfishness will change to more trust in you that you will not spend all y'all's money. The old, traditional idea of marriage is that two become one. He is clearly NOT getting this. How can I say that he is being a leech w/o sounding too harsh? That's the truth, sorry. He wants to live free at the house that was all yours to begin with, but it doesn't stop there--he wants you to sell it and he wants to profit from that sale! Seek counseling is what I would do at this point. He most likely won't go with you; but it may help you to become stronger and more assertive in your relationship with your husband if you have a professional or two tell you that he is NOT doing his job as a husband. He's not even doing his job as a roommate, by what you've said regarding your finances. So seek counseling; and if you're a praying woman, do some of that, too, and THAT will help a great deal. Bottom line, though, DON'T let him bully you. He is supposed to be your husband--your provider, lover, best friend, and the one who puts you above all others except God. Do NOT continue to allow him to bully you financially. A good husband DOES NOT take advantage of his wife. Not financially, not in ANY way! Best wishes and God Bless. |
|
|
October 25, 2005, 12:56 pm PDT
Quote From: shilom Hello everyone I am new to this board! I am hoping to get advice for a seemingly hopeless situation. Forgive me for this will be a long post, I just want to get it all out there so if anyone has anything for me they know the situation.
Basically my husband refuses to get a job. I am terribly stressed out about this and have tried talking to him, we communicate and compromise VERY well usually but he refuses to work. We have been together 4 1/2 years, when we met he worked for the first 2 years and was laid off, then he milked unemployment for a year, all this time paying his share. Since that ran out he has worked odd jobs here and there and at the very least looked out for himself. But since May he has stopped.
It started when I bought this house on land contract about an hour an a half away from where we were. I work from home so it doesnt really matter being close to work and he wasnt working, and I got a great deal on the home and could afford it fine without him if it came to that. We werent married yet and the condition that he moved with me and son was that he had to get a job and pay the utilities, which total maybe $200/month, plus his own needs (cigarettes, gas, whatever). He agreed and promised so long as I let him move in first since it was so far away and he wanted to be living here before looking, so I agreed.
We were engaged and had already been talking marriage, like I said our relationship is good and we love each other I just wanted him to contribute. About a month after he moved in, and still no apps out but he HAD asked around and looked, we found out we were expecting, which was great as I had been wanting another child. At that time we decided to go ahead and get married before I was too far along, as we were going to anyways and it seemed like the right time, we didnt get married because I was pregnant and I realize now we should have waited because since then its all been hell!
First he says he doesnt want to put out apps until after out wedding/honeymoon because of asking for the time off. I understand and it makes sense, and we got married August 3rd, and I was making great money this summer, so I said fine, but come fall you have to get a job. (we also had planned camping 10 days with his family at augusts end) So I gave him the benefit of the doubt.
Now it has been 2 months and the excuses are lamer and meaner. Everything from "why should I work for peanuts when you make so much?" to "If you loved me you wouldnt make me" and calling me a goldigger and what not. Now I have been supporting him 100% since May, paying for his cigs when I dont even smoke and everything else. I am self employed, and while I do OK, I do not make GREAT money, and even if I did I dont understand what kind of man just doesnt want to contribute?
Now fall is my slow season, and I mean DEAD, I have only pulled in about 1k a month and our bills our double that, so I have been really on his case. I feel so used, and weve only been married under 3 months, but I have told him if he doesnt get a job I will leave. I dont understand it, I mean he told me from day one he would never support me and let me be a stay at home mom (which is why I worked my butt off until I found a stay at home job) I accepted his feelings and compromised and made it work. But how is it HE should get to stay home, he made this decision without my choice. I have tried to talk to him and normally he is very sensitive and understanding and willing to compromised, but he just keeps blowing me off and making excuses to not find a job.
I would be supportive if he was unable to work, but there is nothing wrong with him except that he is being a mooch. He even blames it on my hormones saying he cant wait til I have this kid so I get off his back about a job! And I am worried I will have the baby and come home working around the clock my first day home because we are broke! We have no money to even buy anything for it yet, and at this point I am ready to cut my losses because he is no longer dead weight, he is draining me. He smokes $200 worth a month plus is an extra mouth to feed, and I know at this point financially I would do better without him because he wouldnt be spending that plus hed have to pay child support whether he worked or not. But I love him, and I so want to work this out, I just dont know what to do anymore but I cant take him walking all over me a second longer.
As I write this I dropped him at his parents for the weekend and I dont plan on picking him up anytime soon, he doesnt know this yet but I am just so stressed and I cant deal with him right now when he is so stubborn and set in his ways and refusing to work. We dont even have health insurance I told him just work p/t just to pay for his stuff and maybe get insurance whatever, but he is upset I have such a "cake" job he thinks I owe him I guess, I just feel so used and I know I dont deserve this. I dont want to be a doormat but I dont want to throw my marriage and 4 1/2 year relationship with a man I truly love away just yet. I am also scared to be alone so far from everyone when i go into labor.
I know I guess it seems obvious what I SHOULD do, but I am just hoping someone has some advice or idea to get thru to him that might just make it work? I have told him everything I feel and have typed above and even wrote dr phil hoping for some help, I am just at my wits end and could really use someone to talk to about this! Why not just take it one step at a time? Here's what I might do-- First of all, I would NOT be buying cigarettes for him. If he wants to give himself cancer, he'd have to do it on HIS dime, not mine. Hmmm...for that, I guess he'd need a job, right? ;) Just tell him you've reevaluated the cigarette issue and you no longer feel it's ethically right to contribute to the tobacco industry. My grandmother was a heavy smoker, so I wouldn't have a problem doing this. Dying by smoking related complications is never a pretty sight. Next, let the house phone get shut off. Do you have a cell phone? Use only that for yourself and let him see that if he does not contribute to paying the bills, then utility companies don't look too kindly on that, and that's why the house phone went out. Lights could be next unless he puts out a few apps, eh? I guess what I'm saying is that you have to make him SEE that he absolutely MUST contribute to this relationship. Otherwise, he's NOT your husband-- he's just an overgrown child that you're taking care of. Good luck and may God Bless you and give you strength and the wisdom to do what is best for you and your unborn child. It's not too late for annulment, but I'd try those few tests I listed above first before I went to the courthouse over this. Take care and God Bless! |
|
|
October 25, 2005, 1:57 pm PDT
Quote From: dreamer77 i am not working, i am a stay at home mom and my husband thinks that all the bills are more important then food in house with two kids. everytime i get a job he don't want me to work i might find a nother man or he don't want to watch kids after he gets off work. I don't know which one really. He owns this house, I don't, it was given to him by a family death. he uses that in our fights and money problems. he took a loan out and now the bank has it untill its paid. so our problems get bigger and bigger, but it's all my fault.. One of y'all needs another job! If he's not man enough to go out and get an extra job, then you have to do what's right for your kids and get a part-time job so that you can at least buy them food. Do you have mom nearby or aunts or neighbors who can watch the kids part of the day while you work somewhere? Or what about babysitting someone else's kid(s) during the hours your husband is at work? You can earn some extra spending money like that. Let him know that it's not about "finding another man" but that y'all both need to be mature and responsible and have food there available for those babies! It's all about the kids now-- not about what your husband wants. His selfishness and insecurity needs to take a back-seat now that there are kids to look after. Counseling will DEFINITELY help, but it's so hard getting guys like him to go with you (trust me, I've been through this before!). If y'all are Christians, please try going to church and getting some help there. They will stress your husband's obligation to your family's needs. He will see that he is failing as a husband AND father! Good luck, best wishes, and God Bless you and your family! |
|
|
November 3, 2005, 10:31 am PST
Quote From: merumsal Hi there. I'm a 43yo divorced mother of three (27,22,16) and am currently in a 3 1/2 year relationship with the view to marriage. We do not live together - I live with my elderly father and the youngest two of my children. We've had a few problems in the last few months which have been based on my feeling that the man in my life has become distant - showing little affection, no interest in sex and not wanting to talk about what may be happening to have brought this on. We decided to set aside a month where we limited the time we spent together, to allow for a little "space" to try and work out our feelings etc. (we normally spend a lot of time with eachother during the day as we work together in his homebased business). The whole idea was that, we spend time apart regrouping our lives and have certain times where we would hang out as a couple, kind of like dating, and talk about what we had been doing (in regard to the regrouping). After three weeks I called quits to what we were doing because within that time he became even more distant (not wanting to spend any intimate time together at all) and only wanting to meet for a "coffee" and was guarded in talking about "how things were going" for him. I found it extremely difficult feeling so emotionally and intimately shut out of his life in this way. I became very tense and guarded on our last "coffee" meeting and I could see that he was becoming frustated at my behaviour so I sugested we go somewhere more private to talk. We talked and through his frustatration he said that he hadn't had time to think about "us" much and he wasn't even sure he wanted to be in a relationship with me anyway. I was stunned at hearing that. I walked out on him because I didn't quite know what to say and I didn't want to say anything I would be sorry for later. I didn't hear from him for a week so I decided that I would go to see him and talk things through to either end the relationship or decide whether we were going to work through this patch. We talked for hours. We talked about working together on being together - it was really wonderful to be relating at such a deep level again. Today we talked again and he told me that his problem has been that he won't marry my while I still have my children living with me. He doesn't have children of his own and would find it difficult living with me and my family because so much of what happens in "that" household goes against his value system. Once again, I'm absolutely stunned. We (my children and I) live in what I would call an almost boringly typical parent/child existence. He's never spoken of this before and when we talked about "working things out together" I imagined that part of that would have taken in blending our family (well, my children, him and me). He wants to keep our relationship going with the view to marry when my brood have all flown the coup. I understand the difficulties of second marriages with children involved, that's why we didn't rush in to marriage in the first place. We had talked about allowing everybody to get to know eachother slowly to give everyone time to become accustomed to "us"; to build on our relationship during this time and our future (hence working together). At the moment I find his "offer" unacceptable and I'm quite cranky about the whole thing. I'm wondering whether I'm just being altogether too emotional, maybe his suggestion is the most logical one and maybe I'm simply taking his rejection of my children all too personally. I don't know. If anyone can think of any questions that maybe I should be asking myself - I'd be more than grateful if you would share them because I'm feeling just a little too lost in the forest to think of any right now. Cheers! If your kids aren't good enough for him, then neither are YOU, ma'am! That's what I would have told him. The REAL TRUTH is, HE is NOT worth putting your kids second place. God gave you those precious kids to raise and be there for them whenever they need you. God will decide when your motherly duties are over with-- not some dude who SAYS your kids are the problem and acts like they are in the way. You were those kids' mom well before you were that guy's girlfriend. Please don't sell your wonderful children short. They need to know that they will ALWAYS be first place in your heart. If your bf was the RIGHT kind of guy, he'd treat the children as extensions of you and show them love, as well. Please do really think about whether or not he is the sort of person you should be spending your time and living your life with. I think you will soon realise that there are much better and more worthy men out there. Good luck, be strong, and may God Bless you and your children. |
|
|
November 3, 2005, 11:50 am PST
Quote From: vtchick I say kick that jerk the hell out. You obviously are a self-sacrificing person and he can't appreciate you. I dissagree with the last person, sorry. I think that you will never forget the betrayal of him cheating on you and throwing this other person in your face. And you shouldn't forget. You sound like a very caring person and we don't deserve that kind of treatment!
Remind yourself of this when you feel down-don't let him have the upper hand of making you feel bad and not in control. Don't give him the satisfaction. You sound very sweet and you deserve better!!
If you need to talk-I check the boards every few days or so and I will look for you. Don't do anything drastic-you are better than that. Take care. ...at a time when God wasn't first place in my life. And God CERTAINLY wasn't first place in my husband's life. He was on drugs BAD (he'd become someone TOTALLY UNLIKE the man i'd married!) and his equally sick sister introduced him to someone more "exciting and fun" than I. I am not sure exactly how; but we got through all of it. If I hadn't turned to Jesus, I don't think my husband and I would have made it. He could have OD'ed or had illegitimate kids w/the druggy/dancer gf; but I chose to run to God for help. My husband decided to clean up his act and now goes to church w/me. No more girls, no more drugs. It didn't happen overnight-- the drugs were a REAL problem. But over time, God has worked on his heart and he no longer has the craving for drugs. I am not trying to give you false hope-- I just wanted to state that what I THOUGHT might be impossible to mend WAS PROBABLE to mend, but only with God's intervention. If you try seeking Him, see what good things He's got in store for you, as well! :) Best of luck, and may the Lord bless you as you are healing... |
|
|
November 16, 2005, 10:20 am PST
Quote From: leoniez
There are so many great things about being single again. Thank God my emotionally and psychologically abusive husband found a girlfriend and left. Now, there's no one here to tell me I'm too fat at 130 lbs. No one to give me chocolate covered cherries and then mock me while I eat them, No one to tell me why his girlfriend is better than me.... Now who cares if I walk wrong or communicate wrong or park too far away from him while exchanging the kids because I don't want his nose in my car...The best part is that time heals, while you are getting on with life. I was devastated when my husband left but now I'm just hugely relieved that I can relax and be myself again, eat what I want, indulge in myself enough to find out who I am, what I want and like to do.... I've gone back to college full time and met a wonderful man that just shocks me all the time by being normally supportive and kind, I'm constantly amazed at how good it feels to be with someone who is kind to me. Life is so good if you just refuse to settle for crap in all your relationships. If I could live in an emotionally abusive relationship for 11 1/2 years and survive, I can do anything, most of all, enjoy life!! It's like it's new all over again. Leonie Thank goodness you've got your head on straight! You can do whatever you wanna do now and he can't say crud about it! :) It's so weird-- it's amazing how little things like getting your hair done or upgrading your cell phone seems like such an awesome and HUGE deal! Why? Because once you finally allow yourself to do stuff JUST FOR YOU, you finally realize all the stuff you were permitting this JERK to deprive you of! What is sad is that some other poor gal is gonna put up w/the jerk's crap for probably just as long (if not longer) than you or I did. By the way, I'm the one who recently got my hair done. And I upgraded my phone today! I used to be terrified of spending money because I knew he'd get angry. I'm so glad I finally woke up, though. It's my money, so on what planet is it normal to ask someone else if it's ok to use your own money? I've been in my emotionally abusive relationship for just over 3 1/2 yrs, and I'm JUST getting out. In fact, I still have clothes and some small items that I need to move out of the house. So, guess what-- I haven't heard any crud about my hair--he actually said that I "look beautiful"...It's funny how their tune can change when they realize they're losing a good thing. I do wish him the best of luck, and he'll always be in my prayers. Everyone has potential to be a better person and live a good, positive life. But you know what? I'm not sticking around to see if my ex is going to get better. I hope he does, but in the mean-time, I'll be busy living my "best life NOW," as my pastor says... Best of luck and God Bless you, ma'am. You ARE right-- if you can get through over 11 yrs of abuse, you can get through anything! Keep positive, keep your head on straight, keep your eyes on God and you'll go far. HE wants only the very best for us, and it's up to us to make that happen. |
|
|
November 16, 2005, 11:22 am PST
Quote From: leogirl I talked with my husband last night regarding the whole cheating subject. I asked him why he cheated on his ex-wife (they were divorced in 2000). He said that she wouldn't cook, clean and refused to have sex with him. His family also told me that she was abusive toward him. I asked him if I was doing everything that I needed to do to make him happy. He looked at me as if I were insane and replied by saying "h*ll yea baby! You make me feel wanted and needed. You go over and beyond to make sure that I am taken care of. You make me feel like the sexiest man alive." (I am 110 and he is quite a bit overweight but still VERYsexy to me). Of course, it is a two way street. He makes me feel the same way. I told him about the show and the only response I received was "you are watching way too many talk shows." (with a grin on his face) :-)
Jenn know the whole story before you believe him. what if there were some reason that the ex-wife COULDN'T cook, clean, or have sex? What if she was ill? Every story has at least 2 sides. What's HER side of the story? If your husband likes it when you make the bed in the mornings, and for some reason, you just stopped making the bed, does that make it OK for him to cheat? Under WHAT circumstances is it OK to cheat in a marriage? Answer that for yourself. Or ask your hubby under what circumstances would it be OK for you to cheat on him. I'll bet when the tables are turned like that, he'll say it's NOT ok for YOU to cheat on him. Cheating is NEVER ok. Period. Let's give him the benefit of the doubt and say it WAS the cooking, cleaning and sex that made him cheat on his last wife. Why did he CHEAT? Was cheating going to miraculously MAKE her cook, clean and have sex w/him again? No, those issues would still be there. If it WERE those things were such a problem for him, why didn't he choose to be honest with her and have everything out in the open? He could have at least had the guts to say, "honey, I'm not happy w/how you don't cook, clean and have sex with me. I think we should get a divorce so that we can each have the opportunity to find someone with whom we are compatible." By just CHEATING, he showed no integrity whatsoever. Think about that, and watch out. Don't let him make a fool of you. I hope he never will...but in order to protect yourself, just don't let your guard down. God Bless and best of luck to you. |
|