Messages By: marihop60

I am a 58 year old widow and have broken off my 4th long term relationship ( durations of 3-5 years) in 18 years. This Christmas would have been our 5th Christmas together. I told him from the first dates my intentions were to get married and if those were not his plans I needed to leave the relationship. About two months into the relationship I mentioned potential marriage and he told me he loved me.  My guy was 9 years older and introduced me to skiing and sailing. Plus, we cooked together and there was not a topic we did not discuss. We spent every weekend together  and some nights during the week occasionally and he was truly my best friend. He would do anything for me. We had a mutually exclusive relationship from day one and went to all social functions on both sides as a couple. He enjoyed my kids, sisters, my Mother, and my relatives.  He commented throughout our relationship how well we got along and recently more so. Last Christmas I expected a ring but I did not receive one but did not mention it. I honestly was expecting a ring this Christmas because we had such a wonderful comfort zone. Last Sunday evening after having such a great weekend I thought I would bring up the topic after going shopping for his gift. I asked him when was he going to marry me. He said he had not made up his mind. I asked him to give me reasons. He said he had been married twice and did not want to do it again. I was so hurt. I told him he wasted my time and he knew I wanted marriage from day one. (I through the years had brought up the topic of marriage and he did not commit but said we would be together). He said he loved me and had me a very nice gift and asked me not to push. I knew there was nothing else to say or do. We were at a dead end. I knew there was no point in even staying together until after Christmas as I would not have been able to control my feelings of disappointment.  As he was leaving, I told him he would be back and his response was no he would not. I was and am so hurt. With each of my former relationships each was getting better. This one was great on both of our sides. I  honestly thought this man was the one.  Dr. Phil has mentioned on his show that most marriages wind up in divorce. I want to have the sanctity of marriage but apparently don't know how to get a guy to commit or know how to pick one that can commit. Maybe it is just too late for me to have a marriage. At this stage I don't even know where to start over again plus I am running out of energy. I am open for advice. 

I am a single mom, I work part time and am a full time nursing student at college.  My husband of seventeen years left the home when I was in my first semester at school.  His main objective is to cause me to fail, and I totally refuse to quit.  My grades are better now than ever and I think its in part to my determination to "show" him I can do it without him.  I hurt so bad that the marriage fell apart, but it was due to the fact he got us so deep into debt and caused so many financial problems for us.  He see's now he made a mistake and wants to come home...I refuse to let him come back, I don't have a swinging door policy.  After a six month separation, we finally have a court date this week.  He is claiming he is broke (was self employed and made 300,000.00 last year) He took on a blue collar job to prove to the court that he has no money (temporarily closed down his company).  So....his support will be based soley on the job he currently has.  He makes 600.00/week.  IF my court ordered support is not enough for me to financially survive, I have thought about letting him have his boys until I finish school.  I would move in with my sister.  He has agreed to take the boys if he gets away with not having to "dish" out alot of money in support.  I will finish school in a year, be a Registered Nurse and be able to financially support myself and my boys.  I have always been at home with my children, and chose to begin something new for myself by going to college and HE wants me to fail....Am I wrong for wanting to finish, am I wrong for letting him have my boys until I finish school.  I feel selfish at times, but I will have a career in a year.  The boys would live about 6 miles from me while I finish school.  Please someone tell me what you think.  

Hi 

I would think that if your BF isn't ready to communicate, he won't.  I used to have the same problem but it's just because my BF and I solve things differently.  It used to be that I always felt shut down, and sometimes still do, but at the very least we've talked about HOW we fight.  My BF is the kind to just shut down, walk away and never want to talk about things again...which is opposite of me.  Things will eat me alive if I don't talk about them right away and it makes him so mad when I continue to solve the problem when he just wants to be left alone.  So, now I will leave things alone and the next day, we will discuss the problem...works for both.  But...it can be really hard for me to leave him alone especially if my feelings were hurt because it feels like he doesn't care, or want to acknowledge my feelings.  Now I know that's not true, it's just his way of dealing with things, as hard a pill as that is for me to swallow.   

Part of the way I deal with my frustration is by confiding in a friend or my mom.  Maybe that would work for you, just so you can feel like you're being heard in the mean time.  There has to be some compromise so that each of you feels like you're being heard and understood.  If he's not willing to do anything, then you're just a ticking time bomb...and that doesn't work. You're opinions are important but it sounds like you're ready to ditch this guy.   

Another thought....don't use the "We're done!" because this only creates a false sense of urgency for him.  He knows you won't follow through with it and thus it gives him more power where he doesn't have to change his behaviour.  I was once told to say how you feel "I feel frustrated...shut down etc...." and walk away.  If he refuses to communicate or compromise with you then let him know that you will have to do some serious thinking about your relationship.