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Messages By: marihop60

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December 11, 2005, 7:11 pm CST

So many issues...

One is when we have sex, he likes to "talk" and it ends up sounding like a porn movie. Sometimes that's ok, but sometimes I wonder if he could ever really make love, and I'd like to feel love during the act, like I'm special, and not the F Me Baby. I have told him I'm not a Bit**,  and stopped movement when he said it, he got that hint and he has stopped calling me that. My problem is that I want the words I want to hear to come from his heart, not that I had to ask for them. How do you ask for something you wish for, but it would lose meaning if you have to ask?!!
 
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December 13, 2005, 7:09 pm CST

Question for PRINSCB

Quote From: prinscb

 Well, things have changed since the last time I was on here.  On our six year "anniversary", my boyfriend proposed to me!!!!  We are getting married June 24th!  We are so excited!  All of our friends and family are thrilled.  Maybe the old saying is true......Good things come to those who wait!
During your wait, did you ever leave him? Get discouraged? Were you living together all that time? My current BF is "scared" (We've all heard that before!LOL!) and I feel I'm just paying for what his ex did. We actually have more problems than that, and his getting married has nothing to do with me until he sees my car backing outta the drive! But anyway, I'm in a discouraged point right now. I really thought hw was the one, but if he was, wouldn't we want the same future? Did you ever have moments? TIA!
 
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December 18, 2005, 7:43 pm CST

It's never too late to marry...

Quote From: dewaters

  

I am a 58 year old widow and have broken off my 4th long term relationship ( durations of 3-5 years) in 18 years. This Christmas would have been our 5th Christmas together. I told him from the first dates my intentions were to get married and if those were not his plans I needed to leave the relationship. About two months into the relationship I mentioned potential marriage and he told me he loved me.  My guy was 9 years older and introduced me to skiing and sailing. Plus, we cooked together and there was not a topic we did not discuss. We spent every weekend together  and some nights during the week occasionally and he was truly my best friend. He would do anything for me. We had a mutually exclusive relationship from day one and went to all social functions on both sides as a couple. He enjoyed my kids, sisters, my Mother, and my relatives.  He commented throughout our relationship how well we got along and recently more so. Last Christmas I expected a ring but I did not receive one but did not mention it. I honestly was expecting a ring this Christmas because we had such a wonderful comfort zone. Last Sunday evening after having such a great weekend I thought I would bring up the topic after going shopping for his gift. I asked him when was he going to marry me. He said he had not made up his mind. I asked him to give me reasons. He said he had been married twice and did not want to do it again. I was so hurt. I told him he wasted my time and he knew I wanted marriage from day one. (I through the years had brought up the topic of marriage and he did not commit but said we would be together). He said he loved me and had me a very nice gift and asked me not to push. I knew there was nothing else to say or do. We were at a dead end. I knew there was no point in even staying together until after Christmas as I would not have been able to control my feelings of disappointment.  As he was leaving, I told him he would be back and his response was no he would not. I was and am so hurt. With each of my former relationships each was getting better. This one was great on both of our sides. I  honestly thought this man was the one.  Dr. Phil has mentioned on his show that most marriages wind up in divorce. I want to have the sanctity of marriage but apparently don't know how to get a guy to commit or know how to pick one that can commit. Maybe it is just too late for me to have a marriage. At this stage I don't even know where to start over again plus I am running out of energy. I am open for advice. 

A friend of mine that's 85 will be marrying soon! His blushing bride is in her late 70's! I'm in a similar circumastance, except my guy has flat out said, "I'm never marrying again." It's taken me a year to come to what terms I have at this point, and all the way through I fluctuate (and still do) between anger, "He could honor 2 whores, but not me?!" Sadness, and even somedays, acceptance." His not getting married has nothing to do with me, and I have to tell myself that over and over, however, I don't look at it as wasted time. I feel it is where I'm supposed to be at the moment. I know deep down that one day I will meet Mr. Right instead of Mr. Just Right Now. I'm getting ready to read alot and do some soul searching. I thought my BF was the one, but he can't be if he doesn't respect me enough, and I know as soon as I respect myself I will leave him. I get tired of settling for less. I know now to look for someone that wants to listen to me and will ask me what I'm thinking and care how I feel. I will definately be following the Mars/Venus advice about the steps and levels. I won't be so available next time.
 
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January 4, 2006, 7:00 pm CST

Ready for Marriage?

Quote From: prinscb

To answer your questions in general.....Yes!  We split up in '02 for about 3 weeks.  I came back home and things were great for about 4 months or so.  I was discouraged a lot of the time.  I mean, every holiday, birthday, "anniversary", etc., I would get my hopes up that he would propose.  And yes, we were living together.  We've lived together 5 1/2 out of the 6 years that we've been together.  I felt the same way about my bf....as far as me paying for what his ex did to him.  He got her a promise ring after they had been together for 3 1/2 years or so.  She cheated on him.  It broke his heart.  He didn't trust me for the longest time.  I would make it VERY clear to him that his not trusting me because of what had happened to him was SO NOT FAIR.  I told him I AM NOT HER.  I ended up paying  for her mistake for about 2 years. 

We have always wanted the same things for our future (i.e. living out in the country, eventually having two kids, etc.).  But, yes, it was extremely discouraging not having that "committment" and knowing that he could throw me out of his house at any given moment.  Like I said about holidays, etc.  WOW was I depressed, time and time again.  (Back in '02 after we got back together, we actually went looking for rings.)  Yep, just got it last month!  This relationship has really taught me patience.

If you believe in your heart that he is the one, dig your heels in.  Talk to him.  BUT, whatever you do....DON'T PUSH HIM.  It's easier said than done.

By the way, how old are you guys and how long have you been together?
 We are both 46, and will have been dating for two years next month. He had 2 ex wives that cheated on him. The first was a run-of-the mill bar floozy, and the second did a huge number on him, having him give up things in his career, and raising her 4 kids. She wouldn't even leave her state to be with him when he was transferred...
 
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February 27, 2006, 5:21 pm CST

Breaking Up

Quote From: rn2007may

I am a single mom, I work part time and am a full time nursing student at college.  My husband of seventeen years left the home when I was in my first semester at school.  His main objective is to cause me to fail, and I totally refuse to quit.  My grades are better now than ever and I think its in part to my determination to "show" him I can do it without him.  I hurt so bad that the marriage fell apart, but it was due to the fact he got us so deep into debt and caused so many financial problems for us.  He see's now he made a mistake and wants to come home...I refuse to let him come back, I don't have a swinging door policy.  After a six month separation, we finally have a court date this week.  He is claiming he is broke (was self employed and made 300,000.00 last year) He took on a blue collar job to prove to the court that he has no money (temporarily closed down his company).  So....his support will be based soley on the job he currently has.  He makes 600.00/week.  IF my court ordered support is not enough for me to financially survive, I have thought about letting him have his boys until I finish school.  I would move in with my sister.  He has agreed to take the boys if he gets away with not having to "dish" out alot of money in support.  I will finish school in a year, be a Registered Nurse and be able to financially support myself and my boys.  I have always been at home with my children, and chose to begin something new for myself by going to college and HE wants me to fail....Am I wrong for wanting to finish, am I wrong for letting him have my boys until I finish school.  I feel selfish at times, but I will have a career in a year.  The boys would live about 6 miles from me while I finish school.  Please someone tell me what you think.  

That's a really hard thing to do having lots of turmoil and going thru school for RN.  Can you prove he made all the $$? How is he as a father? I don't have any advice for you but my heart is with you. I'm in 3rd semester Pediatrics after Med/Surg Hades!
 
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March 17, 2006, 11:44 am CST

Backing up?

I moved in with B/F in Jan.  THEN I started reading  Love Smart/Mars-Venus and all the "How to do it right" books. How can you back up the relationship if you're under the same roof? I can't see it except to move out. I thought perhaps go volunteer with Habitat or at a Shelter in conjunction with when I'm already gone. (school)
 
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April 3, 2006, 10:29 am CDT

My favorite How -to

Quote From: youngmom22

on how to make a small income go along ways with three children?  we have a bring home income of like 1400 a month anyone got any tips on how to stretch the money so everyone gets what they need.  Food is taken care of basically bought half a cow and a whole pig with income taxes and stocking up on veggies and stuff any thing else?\
 Check out the Tightwad Gazette from the library, it really helped me! Some things I did, and somethings I didn't...
 
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April 3, 2006, 11:31 am CDT

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes...

Quote From: jb1982

I am a 24 years old. I met Steve in college and we have been together for five years. I was initially attracted to his sense of humor and laid back manner. Our relationship has functioned as a well-oiled machine over this time - we can spend hours on end together and we never argue. He and I moved in together a year ago, and we haven't had any overt problems - in fact, we make pretty good roommates. We are not married, but I know it is in his future "picture". My friends and family love him. He could give me the lifestyle I want, and I could probably be comfortable with him for the rest of my life. He is what girls I know call "good on paper". The problem is, I have cheated on Steve a few times since we began dating. Each time it happened, I swore it would never happen again. Our sex life was never good and has become a once-a-month thing since we moved in together. The laid-back manner to which I was attracted has turned into a very emotionally muted personality - while I love talking about life and love and reading and poetry, he doesn't and would rather watch television or go out to bars with his friends. I am feeling very emotionally and sexually unsatisfied, and I believe I look for this satisfaction with other men. I have been doing serious self-reflection, working with the Self Matters and Relationship Rescue materials. My question is: when is it time to move on? Much of your advice seems to apply to either "dating" or "married" couples, but not cohabiting. Do I treat my relationship like a marriage that has lost its spark (and thus, get help for my cheating and try to rekindle my relationship with Steve) or do I treat it as if we are dating (in which case, I may be better moving out and figuring out what I really want)? What are those "key things" that make a relationship successful? If I keep looking for them elsewhere, does that mean I'm not finding those things with Steve? Do I have unrealistic expectations, thinking I should be completely emotionally satisfied by my partner? I wish there was more advice for cohabiting couples.
 All relationships change and the things that attract you will now annoy you to death. Try the book "Love Smart" to work on figuring out what kind of man you do want.
 
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April 3, 2006, 11:48 am CDT

Communication

 I'm finding out I have alot of unresolved anger at my BF. When I try to talk to him about how I feel about things or what I think, I end up frustrated because my feelings end up getting negated, or he tells me what to do (in a typical Mars-Venus fashion).  I even got an ultimatum once that if I ever started feeling a certain way, or acting a certain way then "We're done!" At that moment I just thought, "I would hope that if that were the case, who I was with would work with me about it, discuss it and work it out." It was the realization of the feeling I've had through the relationship, of being shut-down. So here I am wanting to discuss my feelings with someone I believe couldn't care less what I feel as long as it's in keeping with what they want. How do you communicate when you don't think you want to be heard?
 
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April 6, 2006, 11:31 am CDT

Communication

Quote From: dbanana

Hi 

  

I would think that if your BF isn't ready to communicate, he won't.  I used to have the same problem but it's just because my BF and I solve things differently.  It used to be that I always felt shut down, and sometimes still do, but at the very least we've talked about HOW we fight.  My BF is the kind to just shut down, walk away and never want to talk about things again...which is opposite of me.  Things will eat me alive if I don't talk about them right away and it makes him so mad when I continue to solve the problem when he just wants to be left alone.  So, now I will leave things alone and the next day, we will discuss the problem...works for both.  But...it can be really hard for me to leave him alone especially if my feelings were hurt because it feels like he doesn't care, or want to acknowledge my feelings.  Now I know that's not true, it's just his way of dealing with things, as hard a pill as that is for me to swallow.   

Part of the way I deal with my frustration is by confiding in a friend or my mom.  Maybe that would work for you, just so you can feel like you're being heard in the mean time.  There has to be some compromise so that each of you feels like you're being heard and understood.  If he's not willing to do anything, then you're just a ticking time bomb...and that doesn't work. You're opinions are important but it sounds like you're ready to ditch this guy.   

Another thought....don't use the "We're done!" because this only creates a false sense of urgency for him.  He knows you won't follow through with it and thus it gives him more power where he doesn't have to change his behaviour.  I was once told to say how you feel "I feel frustrated...shut down etc...." and walk away.  If he refuses to communicate or compromise with you then let him know that you will have to do some serious thinking about your relationship.   

He used the "we're done",  I know that when and if I ever say it,  we will be done. Thanks for the insight, I wish it was that way for us, but it's more of a "My way or the highway..." with him.
 

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