Messages By: helenytt

Quote From: ricschic

Hi all...I'm new to this forum so I want to give a little background before I proceed. 47yo woman, 4 kids, two still at home. Had a baby at 42. Married over 20 years to husband who died of accidental drug overdose. He started using 12 years into the marriage, I spent 8 years mistakenly thinking I could help him get clean. My own mom died when I was 12, my dad sank to the bottom of a beer bottle and didn't emerge for years. I was living on my own at 15..went to school full time, two part time jobs to pay for my own place (you could do that back then). Married the first time at 17, partly b/c I was tired of taking care of myself. Divorced 3 years later. Married kids dad 3 years after that...had four kids with him. My 16yo son and 5yo son still at home. Two older daughters (22 and 20) live outside of the home. After taking 3 years to get my head back on straight, I finally reclaimed my life. Started going out again. Dating after over 20 years. Now living with my SO...who happens to be the love of my life and ten years younger than myself. I made my mind up to do things differently...I went for the "good guy"..the one who didn't need fixing, the one who had all of his faculties about him. He's truly a fantastic individual...and respects and loves me for who and what I am. To say that I'm fortunate is an understatement. My children really like and care about this man, and to my littlest one he's the only dad he's ever known. I really have a life that most would envy, and the kind I always wanted. At one point in my marriage, I weighed 256lbs. When I met my SO, I weighed 135 and most thought I looked anorexic. Ok. Whatever. I've gained weight however. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I hated being overweight. Something is wrong apparently, and I don't know what it is. I don't work, b/c of a back disability. I have sooo many limitations. I don't have friends, outside of the cyber variety. I think that is what is missing from my life....just plain old fashioned friendship. Someone to gab with over a cup of coffee. Talk on the phone with. I'd love to have a walking partner, or a workout partner. The weight gain is alarming me. I know it's b/c something is missing from my life, and I think that's what it is. I life in a rural area, and have reached out to people just to have them say "oh, yes..I'd love to get together" and then they never do. People are busy with their own lives, I understand that. They just don't have the time. Most people around here have family and friends that they went to school with to occupy their time. I don't have that. I'm not a "hobby" person. I guess I need to read "self matters" and find out what the hell is wrong with me and try to correct it. Everything seems to be perfect,and I truly am happy with the man I share my life with. That isn't the problem. I'm bored. You can only clean so much house. I've tried and tried to think of something that I can do with myself, that doesn't involve the computer. There is nothing. Too many physical limitations. I just need some friends....women friends. Who else to understand the problems particular to women or the good things for that matter, besides other women? I've talked about this with my SO, and he's brought up suggestion after suggestion...none any good for my particular circumstance. But he's a man...wants to "fix" things. Especially if it involves me. I just don't know what to do anymore. I've lost my motivation. I've lost my drive. And I'm getting fatter, and fatter. I've gained 30 lbs. so far. It's got to go, but I don't know how to get back that motivation that I had before about the lifestyle changes. I never considered it dieting...it was a lifestyle change that I didn't stick to. Food is my comfort..my company. I eat when I'm stressed...I eat when I'm bored. Which is often. Bored, that is. Is there really any way out of this? Am I just doomed to eat my way back to over 250? Where do I go from here? What do I do? Any feedback is greatly appreciated. Suggestions welcome. Anything.....