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Messages By: debc1969
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February 7, 2006, 4:13 pm PST
 Quote From: alintime Hi everyone. this is my first time here and I am very glad that I have found this message board. I have never said this to anyone or out-loud or even wrote it on paper but I am abused..I guess it falls under emotional or mental.. I don't even know. what I do know is that it is destroying me as a person. I have seen myself change so much, I am not who I used to be. I am not who I want to be. I just am now, Like a shell of a person, with not much feeling b/c I have turned myself off to others and even myself. i have been with this person for 11 years and married for 3 we have 2 children, and a nice home. I have found over the years that we argue about the same things over and over, He always brings up the past, I am the one who is always wrong, and he wont stop till I admit that.. the last argument we had left me feeling empty. very empty, and I don't know who to turn to, I don't want to involve my family , most of my friends are to judgmental, I want to start therapy, and I am scared that he wont go b/c he doesn't think he has a problem... so sry for rambling, but I just have to get this all out. It eating me alive inside. I hate how I feel, I have trouble functioning some days, b/c I'm consumed with disappointment and fear and worry, how do I make this work and get our life's back on track. How do I find me???? I to have been right where you are at. I have been in a relationship where I was mentally and physically abused for years. I know how lost you must feel, how alone you must feel and how scary it can be. I know the feeling of unworthiness, I know the feeling of LOW self esteem. It is very hard to be in your situation. Knowing what I know now, I know how difficult it is to see how much you are hurting you and your kids and how especially those children are suffering the most. I had 2 children in my marriage who watched the abuse daily, and they are smarter than you will ever give them credit for. I was married to this man for almost 11 years, he finally left me for another woman. Amazing how God works. It was the hardest thing I ever lived through and I hope will ever have to but I did. It's been 7 years now since he left and I am in my second marriage, married to the complete OPOSITE of what my ex was. I am so blessed. I still have a lot of problems, I go to a therapist once a week, for awhile there it was twice a week. I have a lot of issues with abandonment and fear of men basically......in so many ways. I have written a short story about a few things I went through while being married to my first husband. I'm not sure if you would like to read it or not but I will give you the information anyways just in case. The story is on our church website, my dad just happens to be the pastor of that church. Here is the site www.beaconmbc.com From there go to the Women's page and scroll down to "Deb's Story" There is where you will find my story. I hope it helps, I know how hard it is when you are in that situation to feel like there is any hope, but there is and the ONLY person that can help you out of this right now is YOU. You are in my prayers, and I wish you the best. Let me know if you need anything. Debbie. |
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February 13, 2006, 5:45 pm PST
I just want to say what I'm going to say and hopefully be heard. I have tried getting help for this in many different avenues and I'm at a loss. I'm 36; I have a boy 17 and a girl 15. I am married for the 2nd time to a great husband but with him comes a 5 yr old step daughter. I was a preacher’s daughter growing up, and I hear all the time......."Oooooo you’re a preachers daughter, we know how they act". Tired of that one. When I was 16 I met a boy who was everything my parents would hate. I ran away from home when I was 17, dropping out of school and right after I turned 18 I was pregnant with my first child. After telling my dad he insisted we get married. 3 months later we were married. 2 yrs later we had our 2nd child and remained married for almost 11 years. Within that marriage there was a lot of abuse, physically and mentally. At about 9 yrs of marriage, after I had cheated on him several times, I found out about him cheating on me (Big Surprise). I of course instantly wanted him back and when it took almost 3 months to fully get him back after going through hell and back, he was finally mine again (whooppeeee!). I devoted my life to him totally. I shut out the kids.....to gain him back of course....and shut out friends and family. Instead of going to church I would drop the kids off and spend the day with him going to bars, drinking...giving him money for drugs, whatever it took. I did that for a year. Lo and Behold, he left me for another woman almost a year to the day. This time I didn't want him back, didn't take him back....Thank God I was the financial provider so I didn't hurt financially in anyway. But I hurt, I hurt really bad. I didn't think I would make it; I just wanted to lie down and die. Looking back on it, I wonder why....but when you are in those situations you don't see any other way. I remained single for about 4 yrs. A lot of partying, drinking and going out leaving my kids so that I could have the time of my life being single. HA HA!! Seems kind of crazy now when I hated it so much when my ex husband was doing that to me all of the time… Meanwhile I had become addicted to chat online and slowly my outside world became an inside world of online all the time. But chat is where I met my current husband (go figure) but oddly enough I know that God knew that was the only place I would find someone who would get me out of there and realize who I was leaving behind by being there....my kids. After meeting him it was love at first sight and we clicked like you wouldn't believe. He was separated, getting a divorce and had joint custody of his daughter with his ex wife. My kids and I moved 600 miles to be with him and after almost 6 months we moved in with him. Everything was great...DUN Dun dun (theatrical music) His ex wife is PSYCHO (go figure again) She tried to kill herself, ditched her kid and has been a major pain in our side ever since. We have full custody of the child but the judge gave her visitation in another state after knowing the mother was put in a mental hospital, ditched the kid for over a year and has still never lived on her own since they divorced. She has always lived with boyfriends or her grandmother. His daughter calls me mommy, because she was only 2 when her mom left and that's all she knows. But the mother insists on making things difficult because she doesn't like that the 5 yr old calls me mommy. Honestly, I wish the mother was normal so that she could help take care of her. My kids are almost grown and now I am raising a child who doesn't want to be with me in the first place. In a weird way (sounds weird when I say it anyways....) I feel like I am living with the other woman. When my husband spends time with her and does things with her then I feel left out, I feel like I'm sharing my time with him and her. I know it's selfish and I know that it's wrong because she's only 5 but you have to realize that I lived with the "other" woman in my first marriage when it took my first husband almost 3 months to decide whether he wanted her or me...which meant phone calls, and him living between her house and mine. Also it meant that one night he drove me down to a town that was 2 1/2 hours away to finally tell her goodbye "face to face" and he ended up leaving me in a restaurant with no money and only my cell phone for 9 hours before he decided to come back. This was from 9 at night to 6 in the morning. Thank God it was an all night restaurant. Anyways, I'm guessing this is why I'm having the "other woman" issues with my step daughter, but honestly I don't want to be around her and I don't want to raise her. My husband is not going to give her to the Psycho mother (and I don’t expect him to) and I don't know how long he is going to put up with me and my craziness. I don't know how to deal with this situation. I'm happy when it's my husband and my 2 kids but when my step daughter is around, I'm not happy. I feel like I need to start becoming prepared to be left again….Everyone tells me that my husband would never leave me, that he loves me to much, but I know how hard it would be for me to stay if my husband didn’t want to take care of my two kids. I have been in this little girls life for almost 4 years now, I’m not saying that it has always been like this and that I have always felt this way. I have tried; I have tried so hard to be her mother and to be there for her. I just feel disrespected in so many ways and I feel like she doesn’t want me. I know a child always wants their natural parent, I know this because I have 2 children of my own who want their real dad. I guess I just feel cheated because I have been there ever since she can remember and her mom hasn’t. She waltzes in and out of her life when she wants and the child loves her more and would rather be with her. I should stop here….I have written a lot. I just need someone to hear me, someone to listen and maybe someone to say….”I feel the same way”. It is so hard……I just want to be heard. |
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April 25, 2006, 2:15 pm PDT
It is tough, and you don't know how tough it is until you are in that situation. I don't condone what Barbara or Ed did, I think they have some serious issues they need to work through. I became a step-mom about 4 years ago. When I first met my husband he had joint custody with his ex wife. The arrangement was great I thought, he had her half the time and the mother had her for the other half. She wasn't the greatest mom but she was at least there. I myself was a single mom of 2 kids (who are teenagers) and their father wasn't in the picture at all. I worked a full time job and so did my husband (I guess boyfriend at this time). One morning almost 3 years ago now the mother tried to kill herself in front of her daughter, it was a horrible thing with abuse and trauma to a child who was only 2 1/2 at the time. Custody was immediately given to my husband and the mother disappeared for the next year and a half. I suddenly was put into a situation that I didn't ask for. I became very angry and resentful but at the time didn't realize that this was happening. I "came to the rescue" to help my husband and this child, I thought. I quit my job to stay home full time with this little girl. I married my husband almost 6 months later. I KNEW what I was getting in to. Almost 3 years later now and the resentment and anger is showing more and more. I don't want to feel this way, but being in this situation is one of the hardest things I've ever done. My husband has a great job and he works a lot. The mother, who now has some visitation but not much because she lives in another state, decided in court she would rather have more money from us than visitation with her own daughter. The mother has more visitation rights then what she exercises. I feel resentment towards my husband and his ex wife for what I feel is "making" me take care of THEIR child. I love her, but it is so hard to do. I realize she wants her mother more than me, I realize that she is traumatized by what has happened. I know that she needs her mother, that I am not her mother. I am in therapy now because I want to make this right and I do my best EVERY DAY! But, I have and had my moments where I feel like I hate this child, and I hate her mother for leaving her and putting me in this situation. Before you throw your stones at anyone, try to realize that none of us know how it is until we ourselves are in that situation. I am in that situation and I struggle every day. I have never wanted to kill this child literally but she pushes me to the edge so many times. It is very brave for someone to say all of those things KNOWING that she could go to jail for any one of those things she did. This is a woman CRYING CRYING CRYING out for help. I'm sure she did not go on National TV just so that she could be proud of doing this to a child, but because Dr. Phil is so great about helping people, I'm sure she was at a FINAL DESPERATION to get help. I know that sometimes the feeling of an "ultimatum" comes to mind when I take care of this child and she is testing me every step of the way. I know that I could never ask anyone to do something I know I couldn't do myself and I could NEVER give up my children for ANYONE or ANYTHING. It's just a cry for help and I'm sure anyone in this situation feels a little desperation at times. Again, I don't condone any physical or mental abuse, but everyone is human and no one is perfect. Love not Judgement, that is God's job. |
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April 25, 2006, 3:44 pm PDT
I met my first husband when I was almost 17, he was so great in my eyes TO ME. He was so good to me, never raised his voice and always treated me like I was the only thing he ever wanted. He was the opposite of what my parents wanted for me so at the time that was "awesome". We were married when we were just 18 and a few months later we had a baby (I was pregnant when we got married). This is the rest of my life (until HE left me)....
In the 11 years that we were married he beat me down physically, mentally, and emotionally to the point it was really hard to pick myself back up. In the 11 years of marriage I was pushed, shoved, slapped, punched, thrown into a glass table, thrown into a shower, shoved up against the wall, held on the ground and tormented, choked, pushed into a car, jumped out of a moving vehicle, threatened, spat upon, pee’d on, called every name in the book, lied to, had cops at my door and in my home numerous times, cheated on, left, abandoned 2 ½ hours from my home with nothing, slept in the back of a truck, begged for food, had to be on welfare, thought about dying, thought about killing, hurt my kids, hurt my family, lost friends, felt psychotic, became an adulterer, lost my way with the Lord, lost self esteem and self worth, felt fat at 115 lbs, lived in home after home, had to have my parents pay bills, had utilities shut off and a truck repossessed. I hitch-hiked, got into fist fights with people I didn’t know at bars and social events, listened to my husband on the phone telling another woman how much he loved her and missed her, gave my husband money for drugs and alcohol so he wouldn’t leave me, stranded at home because he would take parts out of my car so I couldn’t leave, be forced to have sex so I could go to the grocery store, etc. etc.
And he WAS nice to me when we met.....Was there signs?? Yea, definitely. He was jealous which I thought was cool because that meant he loved me so much. He was doing drugs and introduced me to them as well. He was never physical with me but VERY physical in fight after fight with other people. He disrespected everyone. But when your 17 you don't see those things. I was 29 when he left, I had 2 children to take care of....he didn't help, EVER. I did it, but it was the hardest thing I ever did. I'm 36 now with a new husband, the opposite of him and I have a nice life. No one ever understands the hell you go through unless you yourself have been there. It's hard to tell someone to get out, or to just walk away. They have to want to and they have to be ready to. My ex wanted to come back after he left me but I was to the point after 11 years that I was ready to say NO and mean it. |
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April 25, 2006, 4:08 pm PDT
Quote From: rubygal I find your comment, "I suddenly was put into a situation that I didn't ask for." a bit confusing. Perhaps my way of thinking is a bit askew but I've always believed that when you date someone who has children you should always be ready to expect the unexpected. Granted, we can never predict how a relationship will evolve when we begin dating. But, I think a person who is hoping for a long-term relationship, and does not want the possibilty of being responsible (in any number of ways) for their mate's child/children should think long and hard about dating someone who is a parent before committing to such a relationship. Being a parent doesn't mean just writing a check for child support and possibly seeing the child a few hours a months. Regardless of what the current situation may be, that is ALWAYS subject to change - as you have found out. I'm glad you are getting counseling and hope you can learn to be the positive female role model this child needs in her life. She is not responsible for having been born, nor to whom she was born. She is a child - you are the adult. And try to take solice in the fact that she will not be a child forever..... But she WILL always be your husband's daughter - at least if he's a good, caring, loving parent.
I'm not sure how that is confusing when anytime you get put in a situation that you weren't ready for can be a difficult thing and a lot of times you don't ask for it or even see it coming. I know all to well about being put into situations that I'm not ready for, but that is another story about my life that I don't think pertains to this. I think a lot of people get put into situations that they don't always want. Have you never had something in your life come up that rocked your world and made things difficult? Or are the few of us on here admitting our trials and troubles the only ones?? I never said that I'm NOT doing it or that I don't want to. Here I am the mother of 3 now, helping out in anyway I can. I'm still a stay at home mother so that I can take care of this little girl. My thoughts in this message board was just to convey that these situations aren't always easy and that sometimes people don't know how to deal with it. Being judgemental and attacking people because of it doesn't help anyone. Like I said, this woman Barbara may be desperate to find out how to deal with it. I know at times I feel very desperate on how to deal with this situation. God did not intend for divorces and blended families. I chose this, YES, I love my husband with all my heart. Is it easy??? NO WAY!!! Is any marriage a piece of cake? I don't think so. My husband obviously is a good man and a good father otherwise he wouldn't be the one with custody, a good job and a family who loves him very much. I just wish people on here would quit throwing around their judgements on people and instead just try encouraging them and help them however they can. |
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April 26, 2006, 9:56 pm PDT
Quote From: nadinecnc In reply to your write up........hey, if we sit idol and non-judgemental in this situation with Barbara and her goofy husband and little girl might just continue to be abused, or killed, neither acceptable for any child! Yes, blending families is hard, adults have to get it together preferably before they decide to try it, but we as adults have a responsibility to keep the children safe and healthy, Ambrea gets neither...so there really isn't a whole bunch of time, as in NONE to sit and play patsy with a couple heartless adults! It isn't all about the grown-ups, it is about the children...........we are responsible for them, get it???? I think y'all are missing my point....which is, we all go through crap and YES it's a horrible thing. I feel for any child that has to go through this. She came on the show, she is asking for help and she admits to doing wrong. I don't think anyone is sitting idly by and watching anything. I think Dr. Phil was going to jump on this situation quickly without hesitation making sure this little girl was safe from the step mom and the dad. I don't believe STILL that I ever condoned anything that was harmful against a child but instead was saying that there are a lot of us "step parents" having a hard time. YES, it's all about the children and we all need to come together to help the children. But again, judgment is for God...not any of you. Before you get quick to jump on me or anyone else, maybe sit down and think about the reality of life. Maybe your life is hunky dory but not everyone lives in your world. And AGAIN, I'm not condoning anything, I'm just saying no one is perfect and we ALL need some help at some time. Would you rather her hide it or share it so she could get some help??? Obviously the husband wasn't listening. This is my last reply, the people on here are too intense and judgemental for me. Thanks and God Bless!! |
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